modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Friday, October 29, 2004 @ 1:19 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's just one problem after another. I just received a court summons for exactly next month. What else can go wrong??? Come on man! Give it to me! Haven't I had enough??? Apparently not! Sure! Bring it on! I'm supergirl remember?!

God! Is there a God in the first place??? Is this my punishment??? Is it?! Whatever He is doing, He's not helping with my faith of Him. I tried and tried, but the more I tried, the harder it becomes. I don't know how long I can take this. My mental state is slowly giving in. It's just a matter of time when I will finally lose it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 28, 2004 @ 1:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's 28th October 2004. 3 years to this day that Din and I have been together. He wished me a happy anniversary and that's it. 3 years and all I got was a greeting. Sometimes I wonder... if he's worth it.

I really miss D and I told him that. He misses me too. Are we walking on dangerous grounds here? It was supposed to be just about lust. Is it still? Wake up moddie! He already has a family of his own. You're just using him for sex. Full stop!

What am I doing to myself? "I'm driftwood, drifting under water. Breaking into pieces, pieces, pieces." Travis. I love Travis. I love that song. It's about finding direction in life. Have I somehow lost my direction? At one time, I knew where I wanted to go. I knew what I had to do.

Is this what being an adult means? Then I hate being an adult! I hate making all these decisions. I hate being responsible. I hate being in love. I hate being used and having to use someone. I HATE IT ALL!!!

Will I ever be happy? Is my search for happiness futile? What the hell is going on?!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 27, 2004 @ 2:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've managed to raise $300 so far. There's hope there. I've asked my dad for another $500 but I don't think he will be able to come up with that kind of money. For the first time in years, I've actually took a good look at my dad and it wasn't a very pretty sight.

He was mostly bones and his skin is sagging. His former tanned skin has now faded to a pale, fair tone. He's approaching 50 faster by the day. He used to look healthy so it was really quite a change. I hardly get to see him because our paths don't usually cross. So it was quite a sad sight to see him like that.

What else can I do? I'm 24 and a freshie in SMU. Should I quite school and return to the workforce??? My schoolmates asked me yesterday why I quit work since I was paid quite comfortably. How do you explain dreams and regrets to a bunch of 19-20 year olds?

I don't want to wake up one day with children (if I do have any) and a husband (if I do have any) and feel a sense of regret for not taking up the chance to study for free no less in university! I've seen that regret in my dad. That was why he was always pushing us to keep learning and at times, his push bordered on abuse.

Even Din doesn't understand that. He thought that with the qualification I have, it's enough to survive simply. I don't want to lead a simple life! I want to live a comfortable life! I want to be able to go on holidays as freely as I want. I want to go on fine dining as often as I want. I want to wear nice cocktail dresses to parties. I want that kind of life!

Am I selling myself short by being with someone who doesn't understand ambition? He's very content to his current state of living but I'm not. I'm always seeking for improvement. I want to reach for the stars, not just my ceiling.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2004 @ 1:44 pm

Dear Blogger,

I wish I could boycott DBS but the bloody bank owns POSB now. They took my baby in the middle of night!!! How could they?! I've stuff in the car! My bloody passport is in the car! How could they do this to me?! It wasn't like I wasn't totally paying my loans. Gosh!!! Fuck man!

Now I'm practically begging people I know for $100 loans. Out of the 10 or so people I've asked, only 3 replied and offered. So thanks to Juliah, Suwira and D. I've to settle this by 8th November or the mean people at DBS will rip apart my baby like some junk.

Where's Din in all these? He was the first I called and cried that my baby's gone. I begged and begged him to call and talk to the bank for me. I knew if I did talk to them, I'd make the situation even worse! He did but the bank insisted that I talked to them. So I did and it was really difficult to keep my temper down.

He has been very attentive even though he's at work. He's been SMS-ing me asking if I'm OK. He's been quite a shoulder. He may not help me financially but the emotional support he's been giving me is priceless.

At least I'm not lying in bed and crying my eyes out or have another go at the knife or Dettol. I'm in school and I even managed to present on cyber security! I was trying very, very hard not to cry in front of the class so I speed through my presentation.

I am not going to just let this go away that easily. I am fucking working hard for this! No matter what I do, I still lose! GOD!!! I can't even take medication now because I'm bloody fasting.

If there's really kind souls out there, please help contribute to the Save moddie's BaBy Fund.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 25, 2004 @ 9:36 am

Dear Blogger,

It was latin night festival at the Hollandse Club at Camden Park. By the time I met D at Sheraton Towers in the evening, my mind was already far away. It had been a long day you see. I went to school at 11am for stageit production meeting. stageit is the school's production team and we're producing a musical next year! After which, I had a 2 hour group project meeting. But I still had time! I was meeting D at 6.45pm but it was only 3.30pm! So what did I do?

I tried to finish one of my papers which is due on Monday but my mind was too tired to think. I didn't even want to look at my notebook! Anyway, it started to rain. Heavily no less. So I took a nap, wandered around the school and daydreamed until I realised what a complete waste of time! Then I suddenly thought of Borders. The thought just came to me like a flashing lightbulb! Blink! Blink!

I reached Borders at 5.30pm but I didn't browse any of the books or products. Instead, I went window-shopping at M&S and the rest of the stores at Wheelock Place. I decided to scour for ideas for our anniversary next week. What shall I do or get for him? I thought of lingerie. M&S has some really nice lingerie. Expensive though. Then I thought I'd get him a pair of boxers. But M&S only offered them in packs of 3! I guess I'll just make do with what I have. Afterall, it's the thought that counts.

D and I arrived at the Hollandse Club at 7pm. He and his band did sound check. We all had dinner, which I think was paid for by the club, and just chilled till 9.30pm. I didn't really quite enjoyed the gig because first of all, like all other latin gigs, everyone else is dancing salsa except me. Secondly, the sound system sucked BIG time! I was stiff and bored until the DJ played Dancing Queen. Suddenly, I turned into butt-shaking Cameron Diaz! You could not stop me after that!

The gig ended at 1.30am but D had another gig at the Blue Bar at Central Mall. It's new and pretty contemporary chic. There was little crowd, mostly high or drunk. Even the bassist was drunk! The band only played 2 sets but it was nice. I had 3 sticks of ciggies. Not my usual menthol light so I was a little light-headed after 3 sticks.

At 4.30am, we were seated at our regular prata stall having cheese and mushroom pratas as well as the inevitable senseless teasings. He's leaving for China next Sunday. He has a week-long gig there organised by NAC. I reached home at 6.30am. What else did I do but crash on my bed? It was crazy times man!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, October 23, 2004 @ 1:18 am

Dear Blogger,

I came across a young Malay chap tonight on my way home from the multi-storey carpark. It was raining very heavily. So heavily that traffic along the PIE was slower than usual. I even had a hard time control my baby on the road.

Anyway, this young man was sitting, head between his knees, by the road side in the heavy rain, without any umbrella or rain coat. He was shivering with cold and I suspected, hunger too. I asked him if he was alright but he looked like he had been in the rain and crying for hours.

I asked him to go into the shelter because he will catch pneumonia if he stayed in the rain longer. He refused and he continued crying. I know for sure that he's very depressed. It takes a depressed person to know another.

I tried to get him to talk but more importantly, I tried to get him into shelter. He refused to move. I couldn't do anything else so I stayed in the rain with him. I shared my umbrella with him. He looked like he was not going to move so I called for help. I called the ambulance.

I've never called the ambulance before. It was kind of exciting. I didn't call the police because I didn't think that this was a police case. Besides, with the police involved, it might get too messy.

The ambulance arrived shortly. A matron of lady checked the young man for injuries. I told her how I came across him and what I knew of him. She said he was having depression. Duh!

After I was assured that the Civil Defence guys were in control, I left the scene. I would not have felt better if I had left him unattended. It was amazing how I didn't hesitate to approach him. I didn't even think that he would be dangerous. He did look like a young punk though. It was even more amazing that I stayed there until the ambulance arrived.

I guess as a depressive manic myself, I know that to leave someone in that state just like that will worsen him further. I hope that my presence there tonight had given him hope that there is someone who cares, even though we were strangers. I don't know him and I don't think our paths will meet again. I hope he will turn out OK.

I feel so... good, in a virginal and wholehearted way. Is this what pure kindness feels like? I do not wish to be in that situation again. Seeing another person in that state is just too much of a realisation that I too have done some really irrational things. Then again, when I do them, the most that I get are accusations that I'm just attracting attention.

If I were in him, sitting by the roadside in the rain, would there be someone who would approach and ask me if I was OK? I have yet to meet that someone.

Sincerely,
modgurl.



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Thursday, October 21, 2004 @ 11:09 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm really, really tired but I have to keep moving. Projects due, reports due, bills due. Sigh... When will all these end??? I was getting into the momentum of the fasting month when my menses came. Another sigh...

Din kept asking me if I had purchased the OCP yet. The way I see it, it's not like it mattered. I've been taking it for years yet he still thinks I'm unprotected. Well, it's his problem.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 19, 2004 @ 10:26 am

Dear Blogger,

At work last night, I was told that there were many unhappy staff in the department. They're mostly unhappy with the management. Phew! I thought I was alone there.

I didn't have a restful sleep as usual. I woke up when it started to rain. It took me about half an hour to go back to sleep. I had to wake up again for the morning meal. Another half hour to doze off. Woke up again when my sister accidentally thought I would be late for school. Sigh...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 18, 2004 @ 2:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

My last update was on the 14th. Today, it's the 18th. Either I've been busy, lazy or absolutely nothing happened in my life. The last one is absolutely nonsense of course. Something always happens in my life!

Ever since I've started work, I've been really, really busy. The job's OK but the management is really shitty. It's dominated by girls. Not women, but girls. I don't wish to sound like a snob but I think I'm well over-qualified for this job. I had to remind myself constantly that I'm doing this to save my baby.

Besides work, a lot of my time was spent hanging with D. It sounds very foolish now that I think of it but it's always fun being with him. He takes me to places which I would probably not go on my own!

Last night, I accompanied him to his gig at the new NTUC Building near Shenton Way. It was an Indian variety show organised and ran by this young Indian chap from Light Years. Kumar was the host, so the night wasn't really wasted. What is it with Indians and variety shows in Singapore???

Next, he took me to Indochine Wisma because he wanted to pass a CD to a friend who's performing there. I must say that the band that performed, a trio which consisted of vocal, guitar and some ordinary looking box, was really, really good! The way they improvised on the Top 40 songs was incredible!

After which, we went to Brix because another friend of his was performing. On Sunday nights, it's latin music in Brix. I didn't quite enjoy it because all those salsa dancing intimidated me. I became bored after awhile. The percussionist bought me a glass of long island tea and I savoured it in less than 10 minutes. Sometimes I amaze myself. It tasted like ice lemon tea anyway.

I only felt the alcohol effect later but I was still walking straight. My senses were just slower that's all. We went for supper at a prata stall in Bugis. D started asking me questions which I didn't really like. He was trying to understand why I am the way I am, i.e. depressed chick!

When people do that, they get themselves frustrated. So it's always best to not try to understand me. I don't even understand myself!

The night didn't end in a sour note. The long island tea was sure doing its magic. Let's just say that D got home with a smile on his face. No sex was involved though! Think more creatively.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 15, 2004 @ 11:44 am

Dear Blogger,

Last night was a rollercoaster ride. Din and I started on a bad foot. Again it was his fault! He says I'm his girlfriend yet he treated me like a stranger. He says one thing but does another thing. What the hell is wrong with him???

He pacified me nevertheless and he did buy me a damn good chicken bryani for dinner. We talked about corrution cases in Singapore and the coccaine bust. I've to write something about corruption in Singapore businesses. He said that commercial crimes are plenty here but not publicised for some reason or the other. He did give me some pointers on how to go about the research.

The thing was, I wanted to be with him last night but somehow lust wasn't in the picture. Sad to say, I wasn't really into sex. I just couldn't do it! I know I disappointed him really badly and it saddens me to see him disappointed. But I just couldn't!

I just wanted to do things that has nothing to do with sex. I wanted us to communicate and well.... you know. I was playful but I was just not lustful. If he'd just lay there with his arms around me, I'd be happy! I couldn't really blame him though. He's just being a man. Is it possible to love someone yet not wanting that someone?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 14, 2004 @ 10:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

The Almighty must have something to do with this. Just when I thought that I was torn between 2 men, D said that his wife will be at the Riverside tonight. D had initially asked me to be with him tonight but I'm meeting Din.

Why was I torn? I think I love Din but D is so much fun to be with. So He saved the day by making it impossible for me to be with D.

I told D that women have a way of knowing things. I won't surprised if his wife suspects something. Afterall, D's been going home very late at night, or shall I say morning, these days. How do I feel about it? Of course I feel bad! I'm not heartless you know.

I've reminded him time and time again to spend more time with his family. I'm not the other woman with no conscience you know.

Alright! That settles it! I'll be with Din tonight. No more headache there.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 3:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really had a great time last night. So much so that it lasted all night! And no, there was no sex involved. I had an awful day in the morning because I couldn't understand the Java programming concept that was taught. But the second half of the day was an 180 degrees about turn. I was determined to enjoy myself and I did!

I started my afternoon with a job hunt. I did find a job. It doesn't pay much but it's a start. The good thing about it is that I don't have to face customers physically.

Next, I tried to sell off my Sony digital videocam but the price quoted by the vendors was ridiculously low. $100 for a $2000 model??? I think not! If they had quoted at least $500, I would have considered but none did.

I planned to chill at China Jump later in the night but I was early. I hung around at Gramophone, listening to world music, jazz music, latin music and other types of music which most people would not ordinarily listen to. I think people should give these genres a chance. They're really good music you know.

I had dinner on my own at Long John's Silver, not because I was hungry but because I had time to kill. The fish and chips ended up in the toilet bowl 2 hours later. What a waste of $4.50.

I was still early at China Jump. There were few ladies in the bar but that was cool. I never liked crowds anyway. I had bourbon coke and a vodka ribena (yucks!). There wasn't much to do so I ended up having an SMS conversation with Din fast and furiously.

I'm beginning to think that we communicate better via SMS than by any other forms of communication. We have an SMS relationship! He wanted to meet me tonight. We shall see if that really happens tonight.

D joined me at China Jump at 10pm. Earlier in the day, I told him I was really, really depressed. I said that I wanted to love and be loved and I'm lacking all those. It's at this stage that our "relationship" became uncomfortably closer. I don't know how to explain it.

We headed to a new bar next door called Carnaval. It had a live band playing and it's free entry and drinks for ladies. I must say that the band, even though a cover one, wasn't that bad. It was playing songs that I wanted to hear. My songs! REM, U2, RHCP...

The night was still early and I was already on a high so I chilled at Round Midnight where D was going to play. It so happened that it was a singer's birthday last night so the pub wasn't dead like usual. The chocolate cake given out was good but I couldn't finish it because it was too sweet. The regulars in D's circle was present so it felt like a reunion of sorts.

Then things got a little tricky. There were this lesbian couple who, unfortunately, loves to get into people's personal lives. They forced D to admit that he was "bonking" me. He told me about it and I thought what was the big deal??? Everyone in the room is scandalous! We all know about it. It's just that we don't talk about it openly.

One of the guys even tried to hit on me last night! Why is it that it's always the undesirable men who hit on me? Anyway, nothing came out of it because I bruised his ego b-a-d. D's gig lasted till 4.30am. I'm surprised I held that long. We even went for supper! So obviously I didn't get home till almost dawn.

I'm still a bit groggy but I had enough sleep. It's going to be another long night and I hope it's worth it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 13, 2004 @ 8:51 am

Dear Blogger,

The fear still lingers. I can't shake it off. It's squeezing my heart so tightly that I'm having difficulty breathing. I want to be held. I want to be loved. I'm scared.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 12, 2004 @ 3:03 am

Dear Blogger,

There was little Dettol left in the bottle and I mixed that in my coffee. Why? I don't really know. I don't know what came over me. It tasted awful though. So I had ice cream with coffee to sweeten the taste.

When that didn't work, I started popping pills like they were M&Ms. Why? Again I don't know! What is it about me and self-abuse??? One minute I was sane, the next, I was... insane!

I started throwing up and my head felt like lead. I couldn't move without feeling the immense strength of gravity's pull. It lasted the whole afternoon. I wanted to call for help but I didn't think my condition was serious enough to waste any clinician's time.

I missed my test today because of my... insanity. I didn't have an MC even. How do you tell your doctor that you tried to kill yourself today? How do you tell anyone that in fact???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 11, 2004 @ 9:10 am

Dear Blogger,

I was afraid to get out of bed today. I was overcome by a feeling of fear. I don't know why but I was really afraid. Fear of the unknown? Fear of losing something that's dear to me?

I prayed and prayed for over 2 hours and I finally got out of bed. The fear still lingers though. It's a very uneasy feeling. Oh dear. I just want to cuddle up in bed again because that's the safest place I know.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 10, 2004 @ 7:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

Life doesn't seem to mean anything to me anymore. I tried to cheer myself up yesterday by hanging at the Esplanade. There were some promising performances but I was too deep in the dumps to appreciate them.

D was kind enough to hang with me. We hung out at Harry's, the library (yes, the library) and the outdoor theatre where Bushmen was playing. I sort of got a glimpsed of D's younger brother. He's a technician at Esplanade.

At NYDC at Suntec, I met some people, unfortunately. I don't know why I felt that way. I guess I didn't want to meet anyone I know in the streets. I was feeling like shit afterall.

D tried hard to cheer me up but I ended up crying nevertheless. It wasn't his fault. He's a man afterall. He's not good with crying girls, so he just remained his distance.

I'm having a toothache. I couldn't sleep last night and I was bawling like a baby because it hurts. I popped some panadols and that knocked me out till noon today. The pain's coming back again. I could have gone to the dentist but do you know how expensive the bill's going to be???

I'm losing my focus in life. Everything's a blur to me and there's no one to help me. Even though some tried to help, their approach just made things worse. I am so tempted to end it all.

Besides, who would even notice my absence right? I'm just a speck of dust.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, October 09, 2004 @ 11:43 am

Dear Blogger,

The bank called me early this morning, at home, just to give me a final reminder on my car loan. What a way to start my Saturday morning huh? The lady said that if I don't settle the August's installment by next Wednesday, the bank has no choice but to take "necessary" actions. Another reason to send me to IMH huh?

I've lost a baby. I don't want to lose another baby. It may be just a car to most people, but it's like a baby to me. Why? Because I've shed blood, tears and even my self-respect just to keep it. Oh who am I kidding? Nobody would understand. Nobody can help me. Who is going to give me $600 by next Wednesday? I can't even get anyone to lend me emotional support!

I need to get out of here. I'm having those horrible thoughts again. If I stay, I may just play with knives again. I feel like an empty can on the ground, getting kicked around by passers-by. My heart is wounded again and again. My old wounds have not even healed and new wounds are added. It hurts. It hurts too much. But no one can help me. No one.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 08, 2004 @ 1:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

Guess what time I reached home today? 6.30am! It's wild isn't it? I did sleep for 2 hours though, with D. We couldn't help ourselves! The bed was too comfortable!

I met D at the Riverside at midnight. I didn't have anything to do anyway. I was a bit dressed up last night and it was noticeable. The owner said I looked like a million dollars. It's great to be noticed isn't it? Well, I did feel like a million dollars.

I didn't have any drinks though. I just wanted cheese fries but none was selling it after midnight. It's frustrating isn't it whenever you want something, it's never there. I want CHEESE FRIES!!!

I find it disturbing that I'm always looking forward to meet D every week. I don't feel that way for Din. Sex between these two are like poles apart. Maybe because I don't expect anything from D but lust. I guess I expect more from Din and the worse thing is, he isn't performing. What am I going to do with that boy?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 07, 2004 @ 8:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really, really despise parking attendants. I know they're just doing their jobs but do they really have to be a blood boiler? If you want to fine someone, just fine them! Don't wait for that person and preach her on what's right and what's wrong! If it's wrong, just give us that damn ticket! I, as a driver, won't even have the fucking energy to defend myself.

Just what is wrong with these people? Why are they so bent on dragging people to court? Doesn't our court have better things to do than entertain us parking offenders??? HELLO! There's murders, rapers, corporate thieves out there who are waiting to get their cases over and done with. The judges don't need to waste their time on parking offences.

I think URA has nothing better to do really. Why don't they make themselves useful by redeveloping their carpark rates! Why do you think drivers take risks when parking? That's because we have no choice but to park somewhere that won't cost us a day's meal!

What more does the government want from us? I've just paid road tax damn it! The least they could do was to give us FREE parking! Do I have to be in PAP to have that privilege? God! What has this country turn into???

I swear to God, if any of my friends becomes a parking attendant, I will never contact that person again. I will denounce our friendship, no matter how close we are.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 06, 2004 @ 3:31 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to Riverside last night at about 11pm. I know it's kind of late but I did have an uncomfortably long sleep in the afternoon so I was pretty much wide awake at that hour. I should stop taking those extra long naps in the afternoon.

I thought D would be playing at Round Midnight at Cuppage Terrace but he told me that there was a last minute change of plans. When I met him last night, he looked a little tired and frustrated. Frustrated because it wasn't the first time that his band members had informed him of changes last minute.

I had a glass of bourbon coke, complementary from the owner of the bar. Drinks have been complementary for me ever since I told him I liked his pasta dish. I felt like I should repay him or something, so I ordered a glass of mango juice, which cost about $5.

I got extra cherries with the drink. I love cherries. It's a very suggestive fruit don't you think? I like to suck on those sweetened cherries by the stem and once the cherry's gone, I always try to knot the stem with my tongue. I have yet to be successful though.

D wanted to watch New Police Story last night but I told him that Din had already asked me. I went along with him nevertheless because he was still depressed. I thought that the only cinema still functioning at 1 in the morning would be Cineleisure. When we arrived, the box offices were closed. We missed the last movie at midnight. Apparently, the cinema runs 24 hours only on Fridays and Saturdays.

So we dropped by Round Midnight. I've never been to that club. There was a band playing jazz but it was playing its last set. So we left for prata. I had plaster and cheese and mushroom prata. Again, I should stop having heavy suppers!

D is going to work with Glenn Goei again on a musical this coming December - January. i.e. he'll be extra busy again. But I'm happy for him. He's doing something. He joked about the second wife thingy again. Hmmm.... Please don't go there.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 05, 2004 @ 10:33 am

Dear Blogger,

Din messaged me early yesterday morning, saying that he will be home by 10am but that he had to be back in camp by 5.30pm. I asked him what's the point? He should have been home for good!

I met him nevertheless. I didn't stay long. I had lunch at his place. He bought me mee soto with extra bagedil. We didn't talk much. He looked too tired to have a decent coversation. I shouldn't have come but he insisted that I do. It was a mistake really. He was just too tired! The result: One of the worst sex I have ever had.

I think I know what's his problem. He just wouldn't let go. He thinks too much. I told him don't think. Just go with the flow but I could see his brain working fast. His other brain on the other hand, weren't working fast enough. It was like he had lost his performance!

I went home at about 3pm. I did some research at home but the lavender oil I burnt made me too sleepy to continue. Now I remembered why I don't burn it often. I slept till 7pm. Had dinner and continued with my research. An hour later, I was in front of the tele till 11pm.

I wanted to go out last night. Maybe to Riverside. I didn't think there would be a band playing but I just wanted to chill somewhere. The tele made me stay put on my couch. I wanted to do something productive so I had a warm shower and shaved my legs. Don't ask me why but it seemed silly now that I think of it.

D messaged me at 2am. I only realised it when I woke up at 3am. He said he was depressed. That's weird. I'm the depressed chick here! I'm not actually sure what it was that he's depressed about but I know better than to force him to talk about it. I hope to meet him today. Maybe he'll want to talk about what's bugging him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 04, 2004 @ 1:55 am

Dear Blogger,

I didn't have a chance to update since Friday because I've been busy volunteering at Insomnia48 at the Arts House, formerly known as the Parliament Building. The event's really wicked! It started on Friday and ended today, non-stop for 48 hours.

The first night I came, it was so wild! There was music, dance, videos, paintings. You name it. All forms of arts are at work! I liked the video by a Thai artist of a young woman reading poetry to corpses. It was really creepy because it was shown in the Chamber. You might remember it as the room where Parliament was held in the past.

D came about midnight from a gig nearby. There were free dance lessons going on at the Glass Gallery and D pulled me in. It was Cha Cha Cha and I swear to God, I have 2 left feet! I can't dance to save my life!

We left for supper at this sheesha place in Arab Street. We didn't go to the bigger one. We accidentally found this little posh restaurant when I made a wrong turn into Arab Street. I didn't try the food though because I wasn't hungry. I ordered almond milk juice which was rather sweet. The waiter said it was made with lesser sugar but it still tasted too sweet for my tastebuds. D tried a beef sandwich and ice latte.

Din called me and it surprised the hell out of me. He rarely calls! He sounded tired. I thought that he was home already. He did tell me that his training would end by September. It's October now and he's still in camp! Apparently, he's on standby for some minsterial conference or something.

D said I looked too beautiful to resist. I wore my black Jackie O dress you see. I wore it because I had some appointments and presentations on Friday. There was a talk by an UOB senior VP too so I didn't think being dressed like a student on that day would impress my possible future employer.

Anyway, I was glad that I made him crazy that night. I was like on heat or something. Possibly the moon? I still want more.

I reached home at 4.30am and I had to wake up by 8am because I have revision class at 10am. My mom gave me money for road tax so I rushed to the post office to renew my road tax. That was a huge sigh of relief. I reached my class late of course. Half an hour late to be precise.

I went to the Arts House after that and stayed till 2.30pm. I had to leave early because I had to accompany mommy to some wedding receptions. She did pay for my road tax afterall. Have I mentioned that I hate weddings?

I was really, really tired and mommy's wedding receptions are as far as Jurong! But I had to bear it and grin it. Mommy can drive but she prefers to be the passanger, lika a Madam. I was really, really shagged when we finally reached home. I couldn't do anything else so I crashed on my bed till the next morning.

I rented out my car today so I had to take the train to the Arts House. I was determined to learn salsa today and it was fortunate that the crowd today was much more manageable than on Friday night. We started off with the samba. I was so proud of myself when I managed to dance basic samba without missing a step or crashing into anyone.

Next I learned salsa and disco rock. 3 hours of dance and my feet needed massaging already. But it was good fun. I did what I was determined to do and it was all in good fun. I'm just so proud of myself. Maybe I'll practise those moves at D's gig on Oct 23!

Since tonight was the last day of Insomnia48, the curator, Ong Keng Seng, had ordered buffet dinner for the artists and crew. There was also a party, where a really wicked dance outfit from Indonesia pounded some really hardcore trance/techno beats, and I really enjoyed it!

I was very lucky to be part of this event. It was so much fun and I got to participate and chit chat with the artists from Thailand and Indonesia. I was given some Insomnia48 tees as souveniers. So cool! I hope theatreworks will organise this again in the coming years. How often do you get to enjoy and appreciate different forms of art for free and not just to a niche crowd???

I just finished talking on the phone with Din. Such ongodly hour to call me. We chit chat on the phone for awhile. He said he'll be back temporarily tomorrow but we shall see.

When D talked to me earlier, he sounded so much like Din. I told him that and he said that's great! I'm starting to sound like his wife and he's beginning to sound like my boyfriend. What a laugh! But it's not funny. It made me realise that we need a time out. So I'm giving myself 1 week timeout. I'll ignore his calls and messages for a week. A bit of space will be good for us. We don't want complications do we? God knows I've had enough complications in my life.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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