modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, September 30, 2004 @ 9:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

I thought I had made a breakthrough when I managed to arrange some viewings for a client. I painstakingly called each owner for a chance for my client to view the rooms for rental. The viewing was arranged at 7.30pm.

What does my client do? He closed a deal with another agent at 7pm. So what happened to me? I had to call each of those owners and apologised to them for the cancellation. On top of that, I got FUCKED over the phone by every one of them accusing me of wasting their time!

I'm just not cut out for this shit. I just don't have the mental and emotional stamina to go through all these. I'm not a businesswoman. I'm not a negotiator. I'm not a saleswoman. And I'm definitely not an entrepreneur. So what am I? God fucking useless!

I feel like quitting school and go back to work full-time. Going back to school full-time was a bad decision. Everyone isn't ready for me to quit work. I thought I was ready. I thought that this was an opportunity that I simply cannot miss because if I did, I would never get it again.

I guess not everyone shares the same sentiment. I guess I was too idealistic and even selfish. I've yet to hear someone support me on this. I mean, really support me on my decision to go back to school. Often, they ask me about work and how I'm going to support myself.

Don't you see?! I'm being beaten from all sides! Why can't anyone see that? Why must everyone think that I'm strong and I can handle anything? I'm NOT supergirl! Even supergirl has a weakness!

Dear God, is this my punishment? Why do you give me hope and disappoint me like that? Just look at me! Your servant is a WRECK!!! I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't even know if I still have faith! Just get it over with and condemn me to hell!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004 @ 11:29 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am having a bloody headache since this afternoon and it looks like it's not going to go away. Could it be the lack of sleep last night? Or possibly too much sleep?

I ate some oranges, thinking that it might help. I read somewhere that vitamin C helps to get rid of headaches. I also took some desserts because I also read somewhere that lack of glucose in your body might be the cause of headaches. I'm still having the damn headache. So, I guess the docs are wrong.

I went to the Children's Society this afternoon. For the first few months, I'll be helping out with data entry stuff. They're building up their database on possible interested participants for the IPSCAN (can't remember the full name now) conference next year.

It was either the kway teow goreng or the rainy weather, because I almost fell asleep while doing data entry. All I wanted to do was to take a nap. But I can't! I signed up for this so I have to be committed to this. Oh well. It was just the first day.

I attended a lunch time talk in school and the guest speaker today was Warren Fernandez. He's the foreign desk editor (or something) for Straits Times. He's a soft spoken fella but at least he knows what he was talking about. Needless to say, I was fascinated by his presentation. I was even inspired to be a journalist of sorts! He presented on politics and censorship in Singapore. Never a dull topic in Singapore.

Considering that I registered for the talk and I could say that I am a regular at such talks, the organisers could at least save some packet lunch for me. They were provided, as promised in the email! Just that, by the time I came, they were all gone! Today's menu, based on my observation, was fish and chips and sandwiches!

11pm and I'm horny. It's been quite some time since I've been horny without anyone influencing me. Probably the medication. This medication is doing wonders to me! Like a multi-purpose viagra!

I could sms D about it but he said that his Wednesdays are booked for rehearsals for his China gig. He's going to China in November for a week. He asked me along several times but firstly, it'll be exam period and secondly, I've no sponsors.

I could wait till the weekend. Afterall, absence makes the heart grow frantic right? I could get a Brazilian first. Well-maintained pubic hair is nice to touch but having no pubic hair at all is, let's face it, much more inviting and hygienic.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 3:30 am

Dear Blogger,

What am I doing up at 3 in the morning? I don't know. I was asleep after I wrote the last entry. I was lying in bed and my sister rocked me to sleep. She's good at that. Maybe she knows that her sister isn't doing too well mentally. Heck! We share the same room! How could she NOT notice the wet pillows and foetal positions?

I went through the Java e-learning programme. Yeah. At 2 in the morning. I called D because I know he's up. He's at Round Midnight, former Swing at Cuppage Terrace. He has a gig there. He sounded tired and sleepy. Who wouldn't be when you have to play from midnight till 4am???

He said the gig wasn't worth it financially. So why play? It's relationship building. Another good thing about guys. They can separate emotions and work. I can't do that. If the work doesn't make me happy, I can't do it. The thought of producing something unsatisfactory is bad enough as it is.

I should get back to sleep, shouldn't I? I have about 2.5 hours to shut down my brain. Is that a nap? My sister is snoring right now. Din mentioned before that I don't snore but I breathe loudly. Did I mention that D and Din sleep the same way? The way they snore and the way they spread themselves in bad are so uncanningly similar. It was scary at first. I guess I only attract the same type of men.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004 @ 9:44 pm

Dear Blogger,

How are you? I'm fine. Have you been keeping busy? I don't know about you but I am keeping myself busy. Busy with insanity. Hahahahaha! What is insanity? Who determines wat is sane and what is not? The medical professionals? Are they sane???

Insanity. It's such a beautiful word isn't it? Let's say it together! IN-SA-NI-TY. That's wonderful! What does it mean? I don't know! Let's look up the dictionary. No! No! Not look up a dick! Look up a dictionary!

in-sa-ni-ty n. pl in-sa-ni-ties
  1. Persistent mental disorder or derangement. No longer in scientific use.
  2. Law. Unsoundness of mind sufficient in the judgment of a civil court to render a person unfit to maintain a contractual or other legal relationship or to warrant commitment to a mental health facility. In most criminal jurisdictions, a degree of mental malfunctioning sufficient to relieve the accused of legal responsibility for the act committed.
  3. Extreme foolishness; folly. Something that is extremely foolish.

You don't think I'm deranged do you? Nahhh! Jack Nicholson is deranged. I'm...

Sincerely,
modgurl.


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@ 8:09 pm

Dear Blogger,

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I wish I could do that for real. I couldn't! I tried but I couldn't. The screams just won't come out! I feel so exceptionally useless and helpless. I have no talents. I'm not smart enough. I can't even have sex to produce happy hormones right now!

I want to smoke but my ciggies are in my car. I want bourbon coke but I'm broke. I want to drive but my road tax has expired. I could ask my brother to give me a lift to some club in town but I don't want to trouble anyone.

I could stay in my room and think the worst of myself but what good will that do? I want to do something! I just don't know what I want. Oh no! I KNOW what I want. I just don't have the resources to have them!

Maybe I'm in the wrong school. Maybe I'm in the wrong family. Maybe I'm in the wrong race. Maybe I'm in the wrong country. Maybe I'm in the wrong planet!

Maybe I'm just... wrong. Maybe I was an accident. Maybe I was conceived too early. Maybe this is my retribution.

Where's PapaBear when I need him? Was Maroon 5 singing to me? "She will... be loved... She will... be loved..." Sometimes I think Adam Levine's singing to me. Leave me in my fantasies!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 27, 2004 @ 2:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

I couldn't get my phlogger to work. That's why it looked not updated for months! I wrote in to the phlogger people weeks ago but I've not received any replies from them. If there's no update from those guys after awhile, I'll just remove the phlogger feature from the site.

The Groove is playing at the Dutch Club on Oct 23. I'm sure it's going to be fun. D has asked me to help promote the gig. Well, that's the least I could do for him. He has been bringing me into gigs for free so... Do support the band ya!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, September 26, 2004 @ 6:57 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel bad today. I actually slept the whole of Sunday. It was as if I haven't slept in days! Not only that, I felt so useless because I just eat and sleep the whole day.

The reminder letters are coming in. I'm really tired of seeing them. I wish they would just go away. I'm not lazy you know. I'm working too. It's just that the money isn't coming in!

Singapore Power just disconnected the gas supply at home. Mommy hasn't cooked in days. It's really, really intense in the house but we all try to put up a brave front. If only I could help.

Last night was great. The band competition at Youth Park, Asian Beat 2004 wasn't that great though. The standards of musicians in Singapore have gone from bad to worse. And did it say anywhere in the criteria that every band must play rock music???

Where's the creativity? Where's the variety? Where's the talent? Well... I'm sure they're talented but they're just so raw and so not bothered to work on that talent. I pity the judges. I heard most of the bands got 0 out of a maximum 100! That's how bad our musicians are!

The Jazz event at Fort Canning was awesome. D's band, The Groove, played latin music though but it sure got the crowd moving. It was mostly an American crowd because the American Association of Singapore organised it. I don't dance but I wish I could.

D said that in his experience playing at such gigs, Americans are generally a snobbish bunch. They don't like too many Asians in its events. He's partially true. When I came and laid my mat on the ground, the folks around me looked at me as if I had crashed into their party!

There were some really nice people but I don't think they're nice because they're Americans. They're nice simply because they're nice people! I met a few there and exchanged contacts.

I couldn't blame them if they don't want too many locals in their events. Singaporeans are known to have really bad manners. But it's just a difference of 2 cultures. It's good to be tolerant and accept differences.

Overall, I really did enjoy myself last night. I felt prettier and bubblier somehow. D was really cool. Sneaky kisses and flirty exchanges the whole day. It just makes me feel special. His friends were cool too. Life was great until I came crashing back to earth today.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 25, 2004 @ 2:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

There must be something about me last night. Strange men just came up to me and said hi. Me, being extra nice me, smiled and said hi too. That was OK until they started asking if I was available or seeing anyone special. I said I was a lesbian. That shut them up for awhile.

It was a very long day yesterday. I went to the Children's Society in Yishun in the morning to offer my unpaid services to its cause. I'm just doing it because I have to serve 80 hours of community service within 4 years of my study at SMU. It's compulsory and all 4 years of hard work is nothing if I don't complete 80 hours of community service. Geez!

Besides that, I like to help in raising awareness for women's and children's issues. The Children Society will be organising a regional conference next year on children's issues like child abuse, child labour etc. The conference will probably be held at SUNTEC in November. It's great that I'll be able to get myself involved in such a big event.

I went to a briefing in the evening, on how to become a room rental agent. It seemed easy and it's fast cash. All I had to do was match the tenants and landlords' listings, which are supplied to me daily. The hard work comes in when I've to call these people up to make arrangements, etc. That shouldn't be a problem right? Except that sometimes, the listings are not updated or they have inaccurate details. Plus, you have to be patient and friendly; 2 qualities which I find hard to maintain all the time.

It was 8pm and I didn't want to go home just yet, although I didn't go home the night before. So I went down to Riverside and met D. Oh God! He HAD to wear a shirt! Doesn't he know he look damn irresistable in a shirt??? He's a tall person and not too skinny so he looks good in a dark, untucked striped shirt, with open cuffs and... I could just go on and on.

I had 2 bourbon cokes, a Caesar salad, 4-5 sticks of Menthol Lights, an ice latte and I almost ordered a vodka Ribena. I'm like on a cigarettes and alcohol spree. D was getting concerned because first of all, he had never seen me drink bourbon coke like it was water and secondly, he had never seen me smoke.

I told him I was fine. I had been a very good girl for 3 weeks already so its about time I get it out of my system. Besides, I fucked Din the night before! And I fucking enjoyed it! It must have been the stress in school.

D paid for my dinner/supper. I told him not to. He's not obliged to. I asked if I could buy him another glass of Kilkenny. He said he gets it free at the bar. Then I asked if I could blow his mind. That made him sat up straight. I don't know why I said that and it sounded corny when I said it but the words "blow his mind" was like a bolt of lightning for him.

He was a happy chap after that. I was a happy lass after that (again!). We found our lust nest and we're both shaggadelically happy. He said I literally blow his mind whenever I go down on him. All Din ever said to me was that it was nice. So I didn't really know if I was good or just average.

It always amuses me to see their reactions when I'm blowing. I still think that the penis is a very hideous organ but I'm beginning to enjoy teasing it. It's such a fun thing to play with! The slightest touch can make men go ga-ga. Amazing!

2 nights in a row with 2 completely different men. Do I feel cheap? No. Do I feel used? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Oh yes!!!

Din is more gentle and intimate. D is more animal lust. But Din scares me most because he gets to the core of my heart everytime. I'm not too worried about D because it's just lust. I don't expect D to cuddle me after a romping session but I do expect that from Din.

I'm meeting D again this afternoon. He's one of the judges for a band competition at Youth Park. Later in the evening, he and his band is playing jazz at the Jazz under the Stars event at Fort Canning. Tickets to this event is $45 although I wouldn't even know of it if D hadn't told me. I will get in for free of course. The perks of hanging with a musician.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, September 24, 2004 @ 4:22 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's the end of the week and I'm exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night but it was good sleep. Just not sufficient enough. I was with Din last night. Yeah. He came home. And yeah. I told him of my new number. I can't say if we made up but we sure did make out. It was fun.

I'm just killing time till my next meeting at 6.30pm. That's another 2 hours. I'm bored and I am so tempted to drive home. That would be wasting petrol and money because I have to drive myself out again at 6pm. Why can't school be so much nearer?

I could do my AS (Analytical Skills) homework but my brain's nowhere to be found. All I want to do is to chill somewhere but I don't want to be alone either. So many wants but so little resources.

I thought of meeting D tonight at the Riverside. I don't know if that'll be a good idea. He's very busy these days. He has work to catch up. Here I go again. Thinking of others when I should be thinking of myself. The curse of being nice.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2004 @ 10:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

My Java programming test was easy but I'll fail it for sure. It would have been easy if I memorised the Java codes but who would do such a thing??? Of course you study concepts and you remember basic formulae, but you don't memorise the codes for a whole program do you? I'm really struggling in school and I don't know what to do about it! I feel like a sheep which has lost its herd.

I met an expat today for coffee. He emailed me one day and I just responded. He seemed decent, not like the horny ones who seemed to be flooding my mailbox. He's a high flyer at Oracle and the only reason we decided to meet up today was because his trip to Australia was postponed.

We talked about men and women and the problems of being an expat in Singapore. I really don't like talking about men and women with men but that's the easiest topic to talk about. Since he's a well-paid executive in Oracle, I don't it would be wise of me to talk about my business. My knowledge of that topic isn't exactly on par with his.

I was supposed to meet D after that. He said he didn't have any plans after 9.30pm. So I rushed home to get my car (I didn't expect to stay out late, so I took the train to Orchard) and I reached my carpark at exactly 9.30. I drove out of the carpark and he called to tell me that he had urgent matters to settle at the studio. Wow! What impeccable timing!

I don't wish to elaborate on that. Obviously, I'm really upset about it. I HATE last minute changes! I haven't been out anywhere besides home and school in weeks and when I finally felt good about being out and about, he had to spoil it all by telling me this last minute. I had 2 hours to spend before meeting him and he couldn't find the time to let me know about it within that 2 hours???

This is really getting annoying. Why am I so upset over a guy I've no feelings for? Oh wait a minute! I get upset everytime ANYONE does this to me. So it's normal.

I subscribed to an M1 line earlier. After 5 years with Singtel, it's about time I parted with it. Apparently, my loyalty with the telco doesn't mean much to it. I got a shocked when I saw my phone bill. $1100!!! Where the hell did that come from?! The last time I checked, I only owed Singtel $400!

After closer examination, I realised that Din was to blame for it. This is my parting gift from him. Geez! Doesn't matter. I'm simply too exhausted to be angry with him anymore. I have a new number now and if he tries to contact me, all he'll get is an operator message.

Thank god for anti-depressants!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004 @ 11:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

I studied Java programming theory for 3 hours and it's slowly driving me nuts! I want to sleep but I know I won't have a restful sleep because I'll always have this suspicion that I've not studied enough, which is true anyway.

My dad just gave me some pocket money. It's a big sigh of relief actually. Not much but I feel better knowing that I have a few more digits in my bank account. Embarrassing but relieved.

My breasts felt fuller than usual. They looked bigger than usual. I noticed them while in the shower. I panicked for awhile because it sparked memories of my terminated pregnancy. Did the oral pills fail me again? Who's the father this time? Din? or D? Will it be a boy or girl? Questions, questions, questions. Then again, I might be over-reacting. Could just be the effects of menses, which is due in a few days.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel guilty because I'm not doing too well in school. I haven't done enough preparation to do well. I kept reminding myself to read up before coming to class but I always end up taking naps instead. As a result, everyone's noticing the slack.

I "stumbled upon" my sis using my nick in irc and chatting with an idiot of a fellow about sex. It was quite shocking actually! Kids these days! Who is to blame? The media?

D called me while I was taking a nap. He came home last night and after finishing a bottle of rum at his friend's place, he remembered me! Oh jolly! Nice to hear from him again though.

I'm supposed to study for my test tomorrow. I'll do it after this. I'll defrag my notebook at the same time so I won't be distracted to go online. I guess I'm a net junkie. Once I get my hands on an internet connection, I can stay glued for hours!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 20, 2004 @ 2:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

I struggled through my report last night and finally managed to complete it this morning. It wasn't my best work but I wasn't bothered already. I think that's the problem with me. I don't follow through any activity till the end. I usually start with a bang and end with a whimper.

I had to read a case study on submarino.com, an online retailer in Latin America and write about ERP and what not. I still have no idea what ERP means. I just couldn't visualise it. I'm a visualiser. I won't understand anything if I can't visualise it!

I had to sit through another wedding yesterday. I don't know who the hell the bride or groom was. Only my mother knows. I really, really hate weddings. No matter how much I tried to put on my best face, I just couldn't! Weddings are depressing to me.

I saw D on tv last night. At first, I wasn't sure if it was really him but I think I'd recognise that annoying cap anytime. He looked suave though with his suit and tie ensemble.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 18, 2004 @ 7:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

A past of mine came back and handed me his wedding invitation. I wish I can say I'm sorry but I won't. I don't like weddings and therefore, kindly excuse my absence. Such a waste of an invitation card though. Should have written someone else's name instead of mine. Do you know how much these cards cost? Cheapest I think is 60 cents per piece!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:48 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm beginning to hate my Friday class. It's Analytical Skills class and it's about standard argument forms, logical reasoning, some latin words, etc etc. I really cannot catch up! The homework the prof gives us after every class is really a brain number. Don't I think too much as it is already???

I thought I'd do that homework last night and concentrate on my case study report this weekend (it's due on Monday) but I ended up sinking into the couch and watched tv till the wee hours of the morning. I've not done something like this for a long time. Here's what I watched last night:

  1. Cruel Intentions (Star Movies) - Ryan Philippe... *drool*
  2. Newlyweds (Ch i) - Nick and Jess looked so in love and I secretly hate them.
  3. Durian King (Ch i) - Adrian Pang was a riot! Met he and his family on several occassions.
  4. Even Stevens (Disney) - A breakup episode... *sigh*
  5. Sweet Home Alabama (Star Movies) - Reese Witherspoon's lead character was dumb to dump the JFK Jr-like man at the alter. He proposed to her at Tiffany's for heaven's sake!
  6. Playing by Heart (Ch i) - Ryan Philippe and Angelina Jolie... *double drool*
  7. Don't know title (Disney) - Something about precocious girl living at the Plaza.
  8. About a Boy (Star Movies) - Hugh Grant... yum! Love his new 'do.

I don't have much money left. Less than a hundred dollars in all my bank accounts in fact. I really need divine help at this moment. I couldn't ask anyone for money because firstly, I'm too proud for that and secondly, I'd rather learn to fish than get someone to do the fishing. Of course, I wouldn't mind if money miraculously appear at my doorstep.

I would like to start dating again but I'm invisible remember? It's very rare that someone would notice me and take the initiative to ask for my name. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not really good at Dating 101. Guys either find me too boring or too much to handle.

I miss D. I miss his calls. My phone has been so silent for days that it might as well be off! I do avoid some calls though. I don't answer numbers that I'm not familiar with and private numbers. Private numbers are really starting to annoy me. How am I supposed to return the call if it's a private number?!

I thought I had gained weight because I seemed to can't stop eating this week. My sister was even surprised at the appetite I was having. I just kept putting food in my mouth. Nibbles here and there. Several top-ups. Surprisingly, when I stood on the scale yesterday morning, my weight was actually down! It was the lightest I have been since I was 20! Something is not right here.

Sincerely,
modgurl.


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Thursday, September 16, 2004 @ 10:08 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel like my heart has just been ripped apart. Din and I have been having major disagreements over SMS because I told him last Monday, that I don't love him anymore.

I don't know why he keeps up this charade. Obviously he doesn't love me anymore either, so why does he sound shock when I told him that? Is he trying to make me feel like the bad guy here?

Whatever manipulation he's doing to me, it's working. I've turned from victim to criminal. Oh God, how do I break this iron chain he has on me?

You know, at this stage, I don't mind being in an arranged marriage. I just want it to get over and done with. Somebody please make a decent woman out of me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:26 am

Dear Blogger,

I woke up this morning, twice in fact, feeling very uneasy. It's one of those feelings that tells you that something bad is about to happen. I can't shake it off! It's a very uncomfortable feeling. It's like walking the mile to death row.

If another person tells me that I deserve someone better, I'm going to scream! It's getting very annoying. I know what I deserve. So where is this "someone better"??? Until he decides to show up, don't tell me what I deserve.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2004 @ 9:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm back on medication again. I don't know how much that will help but the medication was supposed to balance my brain a little. It had somehow became imbalanced at one point in time.

I've overfed on fries. I like fries. Crinkle cut and no salt. My sister told me that fries are the number 3 food for depressed girls. Number 1 goes to ice cream and number 2 goes to chips.

I'm actively looking for a job again. Freelancing this time. What do you think of a room rental agent? Someone suggested it because the job's flexible and it pays so much more than those hourly rated jobs. Plus, me having a car is an advantage.

I've put up my car for rental. For now at least. Until I find someone to take over my car, I thought by releasing it for weekend rental would help keep the income coming in.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:58 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm now in class, my first since last Friday. My head's spinning and I'm on the verge of storming out of class. I also feel like throwing up. What the hell is wrong with me?!

I can't believe I'm crying in class. It happened while I was trying to figure out the loop statement. I just couldn't visualise it. The loop statement didn't make me cry. It was something else which I'm not too sure what that was. It's getting claustrophobic in here. I feel like the whole world is caving on me.

My former volunteer group is organising a gathering at the end of the month in Sentosa. It's sort of to celebrate the 1st year anniversary of the group. I don't know man. I'm just not in the mental state of mind to be surrounded by smiling, happy people.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 6:51 am

Dear Blogger,

I couldn't sleep well. I kept waking up at odd hours. My dreams or I thought they were dreams were "real". Real people in my life in real current situations. One of these days, I think I'm going to sleepwalk or halucinate or something. I'd be like that pregnant next block neighbour, who thought that she saw her baby out the kitchen window and fell 10 storey down to her death. It's a scary thought but I'm living in scary times.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004 @ 3:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

D called me before boarding and I missed it. How was I supposed to know that he would call??? I thought he was with his wife at the airport! He did leave a message though. That was really sweet. I hate to admit it but I'm going to miss him while he's away.

I watched this show on Channel NewsAsia this morning. Yes, I skipped class again. Anyway, the show, Get Real, was supposed to be an expose-like news feature. This morning's episode, a repeat one, was about Singaporeans and their philanthropic ways. We donated so much money last year despite the economic downturn. Yet, when it comes to physically helping the less fortunate, we are not forthcoming.

That's quite true actually. There's not that many volunteers here. Real volunteers I mean. Take me for example. When I volunteered for the Batam project last year, it was because I wanted to spite Din. I did care about the cause and effect of the sex trade in Batam but it was secondary. I just wanted to do something to fill up the gap that Din left me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:26 am

Dear Blogger,

I did call a hotline. I called the SOS helpline and I didn't regret it one bit. Kate, the recipient on the other line was very supportive and it was pleasant listening to her. She didn't pass judgements. She was very patient. I was on the phone with her for over an hour and it's really refreshing to talk to someone like that. She's probably had training on this and has listened to so many people in crisis. So she knows what she's doing.

I also emailed the unwed mothers' support group (www.flyinsolo.org), which was featured in yesterday's Straits Times. I wrote about how if there was such a support group back then, I'd probably wouldn't have an abortion. Someone replied. A lady called Ginny. It was really nice of her to reply my email because I didn't expect anyone to do so.

I emailed my school counsellor at 6am. I mentioned that I was depressed and I was not sure how to inform my professors about it. Afterall, I have been MIA since last Friday. I don't think they will understand what a depressed person is going through and like most people, they will probably tell me to "snap out of it".

Most people don't realise that saying such things to me is really hurtful. Things like "go jump down a block" or "get over it" are not really helpful at all. They don't realise how such words can affect my already fragile mind. Yes I am sensitive but it's made worse when people say things before thinking. Granted that sometimes, it wasn't their fault. They might not know that I've depression and bulimia but those who know me are unforgiven! They should have known better.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 13, 2004 @ 9:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was searching through the internet for support groups for depression in Singapore. Surprisingly, there are no such support groups listed. I'm sure there are but they're not making use of the power of the internet. I don't want to call a hotline. I can't even talk! So texting is the best option for me but none supports such methods.

I hope that my blog site will be a starting point for a support group. I would like to have an online conversation with people who are or been through what I'm going through.

I found this in IMH's website.

LIVING WITH A DEPRESSED PERSON – HOW CAN YOU HELP?

  • Get him to see a doctor so that he can be diagnosed and treated.
  • Offer emotional support. Spend time and encourage him to open up.
  • Offer a listening ear.
  • Encourage him to continue with treatment. Reassure him that he will get better.
  • If the depressed person has mentioned not wanting to live or suicide, it is important to tell his therapist.

And I thought this was extremely useful from SOS...

Do

  • Show that you care, be there for the person
  • Listen to his/her problems and feelings
  • Be accepting
  • Be patient and gentle
  • Stay calm
  • Ask openly and directly if he/she is thinking of self-harm
  • Encourage him/her to seek help and talk to someone they trust
  • Get help
  • Call SOS or other helplines

Don't

  • Make moral judgements
  • Give advice that wasn't asked for
  • Try to solve the person's problems
  • Give false assurances
  • Tell the person your own problems
  • Make statements like -- "it's wrong to feel suicidal" -- "Pull yourself together, I know lots of people who are worse off than you"

Sincerely,
modgurl.



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@ 4:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was in Sentosa since 10.30am. D and his latin band had a shooting for a foreign film set in the 50s. They played, what else but a band in a wedding setting. I was invisible in a field of blonds and blue eyes. It was fine by me. I excel in being invisible. That I think is the only thing that I can do very well. I don't know why I went. I had homework due at 5pm on the same day and I didn't even complete it! Mentally, I was still in space.

The sun was out in full force but it didn't do me any good. I still felt dark and hollow. The black hole was too deep I think. I am an eternal darkness. I feel like throwing up again.

My road tax is overdue. I'm $100 short. I'm not supposed to drive but the sun didn't support my idea of taking public transport. To top it off, I thrashed my car again on my way home. Maybe thrashed is a bit exaggerated but at my state, a little dent and scrape is a thrashing to me.

I have no choice but to sell my car but I don't know how to go about doing it. The people said I should do this, I should do that but none offered names or places to go to. It would be a real pity for me to sell my baby. I've barely had it for a year and it's body is partly damaged already. But what choice do I have??? It's not like people are coming to me to offer any assistance!

I chatted online last night with a girl my age who had relationship problems. Our problems were the same except that she has had several "serious" relationships while I only had one. We both wanted someone who really loves and respects us. She gave up on Malay guys while I... am going to give up on all guys.

D is flying off to Brunei for a week. He has a performance there. Some national cultural exchange gig. He said it'll be shown live on tele. As if I'm going to watch it. I'll probably be lying on a cold slab of metal at the hospital's mortuary by then.

I skipped class again. I don't see any point of attending. Why let my body be there when my mind's somewhere else, god knows where??? I really should do something about this. I should end this now!

Sincerely,
modgurl.


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Sunday, September 12, 2004 @ 9:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was on a world of my own since Friday night. I left my job. It wasn't much of a job. I was overqualified for it anyway. I left not because I was unproductive. I left because no one understood that sometimes, one becomes depressed and not know the reason why. And sometimes, one would not want to tell the whole world that she's been battling this condition for a long time.

Yes I write about it but telling it to strangers is a different story. You don't tell people that you don't trust these things. That's why it really upsets me when people who don't know me accuse me of being arrogant and having an attitude problem when in fact, I'm battling against my own demons! It is very tiring you know.

On Friday night, I was weeping at MacDonald's! I was already crying before that and I thought, if I had gone to a public place, then it would stop. But it didn't. I went home but all I could think about was me lying on my bed with blood dripping from my wrists.

I had attempted several times but fortunately or unfortunately, my penknife wasn't sharp enough. It didn't cut through my veins deep enough. I should make a mental note to buy a new set of blades. Why did I do it? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!

D called me several times but I didn't answer. He left some messages too but I didn't reply. He was worried. That was really nice of him wasn't he? But how long will this last? I can't go on with a married man forever even though I'm not in love or even infatuated with him.

He had suggested marriage several times and I really hope he was joking. I would never consider being in a polygamous relationship. Not now anyway. Besides, I won't want him to do the same thing to me like he did to his wife. I'm sure his wife is a wonderful person.

Even though our "partnership" is discreet, he still treats me better than how Din treats me. Din and I... I don't love him anymore. I don't have any feelings for him anymore. I finally realised that last night. Even though we were in each other's arms, he felt like a stranger to me. I don't cry for him anymore.

Sometimes I feel like getting into the "trade". I don't feel any different to those girls plying the streets at night. I need money anyway. What self-esteem? I don't have any. I don't have morals either. I am no better...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, September 10, 2004 @ 2:55 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm on the verge of another mental and nervous breakdown. I don't know what I will do. Death seems so tempting to me right now. I skipped class because I don't feel like attending it. I left home early because it felt claustrophobic. I'm not answering my calls because I can't find my voice. I'm a wreck and there's no one to help me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 08, 2004 @ 12:32 am

Dear Blogger,

I did my first mini-presentation this morning on my pet topic, healthcare. I treated myself to a MOS rice burger meal for lunch. It's always advisable to reward oneself after a work done. It need not be a big reward. Something small like a shower can be rewarding too.

You know what would a really good reward for me? A male companion. *sigh*

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, September 05, 2004 @ 9:34 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've just finished my first research paper of the term. I had 3 weeks to research and write it. I was only "inspired" to write something yesterday. The paper I had to research is about businesses in Singapore which for some reason or another, people had found issues with that particular business operations or actions. Probably some ethical issues or unfair business practice issues.

This paper would have been easy if my scope was not restricted to just Singapore businesses. Singapore is barely a dot on the world map and to find materials on unethical business practices or unfair business practices is like looking for a needle in a haystack!

But I perservered and I wrote about Singtel and its marketing methods for one of its services. It's not a thoroughly researched material but it's the best I could do with the limited resources I could find.

In March this year, there was some hoo-haa about Singtel's new service, an overseas missed call alert service. I was wondering when the hell did I sign up for that service back then and later I found out that it's an OPT-OUT service. That means, I have to request for the service to be removed if I don't want that service. For quite some time, I didn't even realise that I was paying for that service! Is that an unfair business practice or what?!

Anyway, I never bothered to look at my bills in detail. What's the point??? It won't make the payment any lesser. I stopped looking at my phone bill months ago. It also means that I've not paid my phone bill in months. That's why I'm kind of stingy when it comes to SMS and phone calls these days.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, September 04, 2004 @ 8:52 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's days like these that I miss Din the most. He may be a jerk most of the time but I can cry to him fairly comfortably. I can't do that with everyone else.

It's a Saturday night. Second Saturday night in a row that I've stayed at home. Second Saturday night in a row that I'm at home alone. I'm only 24 and already I'm living a pathetic life. No wonder I want myself dead.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:02 am

Dear Blogger,

In a moment of madness, I swallowed a pack of high blood pressure pills and a pack of anxiety pills. These pills were prescribed to me by my GP months ago.

I don't know why I do such things. The outcome of such madness didn't turn out as expected. I grew sicker in fact. Not a bad thing but I feel like I've been shot by tranquilisers. So this is what "getting high" feels like.

Do you know what loneliness feels like? It's a terrible feeling. You're yearning for companionship and you yearn and you yearn till you become obsessed with it. Till finally, the obsession takes you over and you can't do anything about it except to kill yourself. Even then, you are not guaranteed of companionship. It's probably lonely in the afterlife too.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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