modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004 @ 10:56 pm

Dear Blogger,

Alone. Bored. Lonely... Lonely... Lonely...

"Nobody loves me it's true, not like you do..."

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 7:29 pm

Dear Blogger,

D is giving me mixed signals and it's confusing me. I don't want mixed signals! I don't want to be confused! I want it to be as simple as possible!

I've decided to not see him for awhile. I think it is for the best. I've just realised that the more we see each other, the more personal we've become. That is not good.

I need to distract myself from the problems in my life. What can I possibly do? Work more? I can't do that! I'll go berserk! Meet more people? I think the more people I meet, the more depressed I become.

Perhaps D was right. I'm not allowing myself to be happy now because I'm obsessed with looking for Mr Right. I'm going to be 25 soon. That's a quarter century old! And I don't even have suitors! I have had only ONE boyfriend in my pathetic little life. So don't blame if I'm yearning for companionship.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, August 28, 2004 @ 9:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I wish I could rid myself of my existence. Sometimes I wish I could be happy. Sometimes I wish my life was better lived. Sometimes I wish I am loved. But wishes don't come true, no matter what you have been told. There is no such thing as happily ever after. There is no such thing as dreams come true.

I've tried to be happy. I've tried to be thankful for what I have. I've tried. Believe me. I've tried.

Yet why do I still cry? Why do I still feel sad? Why do I still feel empty?

HELP!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 2:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to WOMAD last night at Fort Canning Park. I wouldn't have gone if I hadn't won 2 day passes to the event. I asked D along because I know as a musician, he would appreciate this kind of things. I don't know all the performers except Talvin Singh but that was OK. I just wanted to be involved in the WOMAD experience that's all.

I fetched D at Grand Continental at 7pm. I was starving by then. I didn't even have breakfast! We had dinner at Peninsula Plaza till 9pm. We walked up Fort Canning Park via the museums and ROM (I hate that place!). An African woman was singing accousticly when we arrived. The mainly expat crowd has already covered the lawn with picnic mats and baskets and coolers filled with wine and champagne. I planned to do just that early on in the day but decided against it because I didn't want to carry those things around and I knew D would not sit still for long.

D met two of his musician friends there and we hung out. They had beers while I had vodka tonic. Not my favourite though. Probably because my throat has been dry and itchy for days. Anyway, Talvin Singh performed on the main stage at 10pm. He was so bloody handsome and cool! I was so mesmerised with his tabla-playing skills that D was teasing me about it the whole night! I came across Talvin later at the food stands. I said hi to him like a shy schoolgirl and D laughed at it like it was the funniest thing he had ever come across.

D being a typical male, was eyeing at the pretty young things and bouncing boobs that came his way. I was not offended at all. I was enjoying looking at him admiring all these things! A girl at one of the counters had remembered him from one of his gigs. I asked him later why didn't he make his move on her. He said that if I wasn't with him tonight, he would have made his move. I told him I don't mind it one bit and besides, he could have her when I'm not available. He said no, because he already has too much in his hands. Just me alone is a handful for him. What a fucking charmer huh?

Close to midnight, D wanted to leave. He said the performances were getting old. We sat at one of the park benches outside and we talked. I don't know why but I told him about my bulimia and eating disorders, my depression and my... surgery. He was naturally dumbfounded with my revelations. Who wouldn't?!

We talked about all that on the way back to my car, which was parked at CHIJMES. He was trying to make me feel better but I told him that I was fine. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have told him all those things. He was quite quiet in the car. He looked exhausted. Then he asked me if I would like to meet his sons. I didn't think that was a good idea. We said goodnight and we went our separate ways.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 26, 2004 @ 6:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

Last night was the most fun I had in days! Firstly, the bistro was super busy. I thought it was going to be a super slow day at the bistro because it was a rainy day. Traditionally, business is never good on rainy days.
Last night was an anomaly. Customers came in and go every few seconds. Regulars dropped by and say hi. Even the owner surprised us with his presence!

The owner is a queer chap. He's in his 30s I think and he might be married. Guys these days are the same no matter what their marital status are. Anyway, it was the first time we were introduced and that was when I began to question my uncomfortable allure with some men.

This guy gave me smiles which made me think if I was wearing the wrong top or something. He wasn't the only one! Most of the male patrons gave me that look too! They were cheeky and flirtatious! It's not that I'm complaining but it's just not normal that's all.

D attributed this phenomenon to my Julia Roberts-like smile. He confessed that was how I nailed him! And he believed that he wasn't the only one! He warned me repeatedly about who I smile to. He said I gave the impression of a "green horn Virgin Mary" when I put on one of my irresistable smiles.

Secondly, I met D last night. Hanging out with D is fun most of the time. It's probably the moon because he was extra flirty and therefore extra charming. But I didn't mind it one bit. I was basking in his attention.
I was hungry. I had been sexually frustrated for so long that I almost gave up on intimacy altogether. D is very good at waking my hormones up. He just needs to nuzzle at my neck and I get all hot and flustered.

He is very "talented" and he gets aroused very easily. Too easily I think. His specialty: cunnilingus. Din gives better head but I should not compare. Anyway, I always look forward to his thrusts because he gets so hard and in control, I simply cannot resist! In within 2 hours, he managed to come 3 times. That I think is the most rounds I've had done in 2 hours!

There was this big hoo-ha about the baby packages that the government is dishing out. $300m to be exact. It seems fine now but by the time it'll be my turn to have babies (for real this time!), the government is going to take all the goodies!

D joked about having babies right now. Funny! If only single unmarried motherhood is not frowned upon here. D's solution: Be his second wife. Very funny!!! I'd rather be the other woman than marry him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, August 25, 2004 @ 2:41 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am having problems understanding my programming class. I did a fair bit of C programming 5 years ago but it was so distant that I don't think I qualify to claim any programming background at all.

How do you study programming? I'm studying java programming by the way. Do you study programming like you study maths? When I learn something, I'm always curious with the why. In programming, why isn't that important because noboby knows why the structure has to be such or why the compiler doesn't accept some methods.

The way my brain work is such that if my why isn't satisfied, I couldn't understand the subject I'm learning. I learn by understanding not rote learning. No wonder I'm not in medical school. I couldn't ask why most humans uses only 10% of their brain.

Anyway, back to java programming. I'm going against Indian students who probably had professional programming background. It would be sad of me to concede defeat at such an early stage but I'm really struggling here.

For the first time in weeks, it's raining cats and dogs here. Perhaps it's a reflection of my feelings the past few weeks. I haven't been feeling the brightest of moods and often, I find myself crying when I'm alone. Nobody can help me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2004 @ 5:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

If you go to my school, you'd notice that most of the parking there are of the parallel kind. I despise parallel parking. I can't even park straight vertically! Worse, the parallel parking is to be done on a hill. 2 of my worst driving skills! Arrggghhhh!!!

My class today was at 10:15am and ended at 11:45am. That's it for class for me. Seriously! It's such a waste of commuting time even though I'm driving! I reached home at about lunch time and I was supposed to take an afternoon nap for 20min only. I took 2 hours instead. Now my body clock is all fucked up. Got to stop doing this man. Got to set it right. 20min is 20min! Nothing more, nothing less.

All through out class, I kept thinking of D. We haven't had much chance to spend more time together. When I said that, I meant to be more intimate of course. Officially, I have been sex-less for 2 weeks. I think another week of such luck and I'll be a virgin again. Don't laugh! This isn't funny. Sex helps make me feel happy. It's the hormones thing. Go read up on the clinical research on sex. It's tried and tested.

I don't have to have the full-blown thing to make me happy. Just some form of intimacy would be ok. You know, like lingering kisses, fondles here and there. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 23, 2004 @ 8:21 am

Dear Blogger,

This is just one example of my Analytical Thinking homework that was given to me last weekend.

A highly superior being from another part of the galaxy presents you with two boxes, one open and one closed. In the open box there is a thousand dollar bill. In the closed box there is either one million dollars or there is nothing. You are to choose between taking both boxes or taking the closed box only. But there's a catch. The being claims that he is able to predict what any human being will decide to do. If he predicted you would take only the closed box, then he placed a million dollars in it. But if he predicted you would take both boxes, he left the closed box empty. Furthermore, he has run this experiment with 999 people before, and has been right every time. What do you do?

This, my friend, is analytical thinking. What the fuck???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, August 22, 2004 @ 7:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

Things are getting from bad to worse between D and I. He came across his cousin last night and I was with him. I seriously didn't see what the fuss was all about but the situation we were in were not in our favour. I understood his reason for anonymity but the least he could do was not to make feel like a shit! It wasn't like I was on to him like some mad woman. He came to me first remember???

I don't think I should even apologise. I don't know man. Why do I always end up being the first to apologise even if it wasn't my fault in the first place? I'm just so eager to please and be loved, don't I? I'm really pathetic. I don't have any self-respect at all.

Last night, I was given free tickets to watch Elvis performed at the Indoor Stadium. How was that even possible? Well, Elvis didn't suddenly crawl out from his grave for sure. He performed via giant screens. It was videos of his past concerts. There was a live band though and the band members were the original band members who performed with Elvis in his tours.

It was really unique and people actually paid $300 to watch this concert. Amazing! I guess Elvis really is alive. I liked his rendition of Everly Brothers' You've Lost That Loving Feeling. It sort of made me cry a little. Just wished I was with someone instead of watching this alone.

You've lost that loving feeling... lost that loving feeling...
You've lost that loving feeling... now it's gone... gone... gone...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, August 21, 2004 @ 10:40 am

Dear Blogger,

After a week of classes, I've decided that school wasn't too bad. Most of my classes were alright except for this one class which teaches us how to be good analytical thinkers. Basically, it's philosopy disguised as analytical thinking. I didn't like the professor very much. I thought he was a show off. Plus, I had trouble understanding what he's saying and he's American. Generally, I understand American language but this guy is way over the top. Half of the time, whatever he was saying flew past my head.

I had been working at bistro for 2 nights now. It was cool. It wasn't taxing. I just needed to smile a lot and pretend to be interested. Most of the time, I was interested. Just on that rare occassions when some customers get into my nerves, I just wished I was somewhere else.

Last night, I went to the Riverside to watch D performed. I planned to have a quiet time there, a bit of time on my own but my colleagues from the bistro wanted to join in so that plan didn't really materialise. I don't know why but when I saw D, I just got a little frustated. I didn't want to end the night in that kind of note but... I don't really know man. I guess it's just not working out between us.

I guess my loneliness is getting to me. I don't want to find the right man. I just want to be in a stable relationship. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for a shoulder to cry on. Is that so hard?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 17, 2004 @ 4:52 pm

Dear Blogger,

Second class today early in the morning and it was the wrong class. It wasn't my fault! The lecturers changed the venue last minute! How the hell was I supposed to know that?!

Oh well... I wasn't the only one who went to the wrong class today. Part and parcel of student life. I'm still trying to get used to the way of life here.

I still haven't made any friends. I don't know man. I just can't seem to click with both guys and girls, especially the girls. It's going to be a very lonely 3-4 years. Maybe I'm a born loner. I'm better off in a mental institution.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 16, 2004 @ 10:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

Do you think someone better will come along? Someone who's not attached, engaged or married? Someone who's decent for once? I find that very hard to believe. Call me cynical. Call me whatever. I just don't believe there's anyone out there for me. I'm too insignificant to be noticed.

I've lost weight again. That's great isn't it? So am I not elated about it? Could it be that my weight loss was due to the amount of stress I've been facing? Could it be due to my bulimia? I have been sickly of late. Physical and mental. I'm a cuckoo.

My first class today was OK. My lecturer's cool i.e. not boring. Couldn't say the same about the students though. Most were trying too hard to please and I can bet you that these students are those from top JCs. How I despise them. I hated my 3 months probation in Tampines JC. I could have gone to Temasek JC but no... I chose the one that was closest to me. Anyway, no matter which JC I go to, it'd be the same. I'd still stick out like a sore thumb. I'd still be a lonely kid. I'd still be a misfit.

Some of the students were dishing out brand new notebooks. I'm all for technology but nothing beats pen and paper for notetaking. A notebook is cool for presentations and stuff but how the hell do you take notes in a notebook??? The school's promoting the use of Tablet PCs. Still, how do you take notes with those??? It kind of reminds me of that Reese Witherspoon movie, Legally Blonde. I know I'm not as gorgeous nor lovable nor popular nor rich like Elle Woods but at that moment in class, I could relate to her.

Everyone kept saying that I'd meet someone in school. I haven't met anyone so far. Bunch of bollocks! I had never dated a fellow student. Even when I was in polytechnic, the guys I've gone out with were older and working or in NS. So the possibility of me dating someone from school is as good as Singapore winning an Olympic medal, and I'm not even talking about gold medal here.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:57 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm still looking for jobs. I'm tired of looking but I have to persevere. Nobody is supporting me after all. I wish I have a rich boyfriend or benefactor. Then again, nobody gives away money just like that. There's always some form of pay back.

In the news today, Sex and the City getting boring. Duh! All the hype about city women not needing men for life but here comes season 6 which throws all that myth down the drain. If 4 gorgeous, successful women have no luck in love and men, what hope is there for us normal women???

D said something last night which threw me off my senses. He said, and I quote: " All I did was to love you". Ok... I don't want to make a fuss out of this but what the fuck does that mean?! Love??? Where did that come from? How did that happen??? Let's calm down here a bit. I'm in it for the lust and nothing more.

I'm gonna be in my first class of the year in a few hours. I don't know what to expect. I'm supposed to read up something but I'll get round to it soon. I feel like throwing up again. I just did. I feel sick. Is it just mental? Could I be a hypochondriac? Am I even fit for class???

I can't do this on my own. Where's my shoulders??? Where's my support??? HELP!!! I'm drowning!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, August 15, 2004 @ 5:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

You are ELMO. You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of backstabbers, and you are worry free.

I guess the Sesame Street quiz is bollocks huh? I'm not cute. Nobody loves me. I'm not a best friend. I hurt feelings and my feelings are always hurt. Life is not a breeze. I'm not calm most of the time.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:20 am

Dear Blogger,

There has been a lot of changes lately. Singapore just sworn in a new Prime Minister. Not really new actually. It wasn't surprising either. The political scene in Singapore isn't really something to shout about. No wonder kids these days don't even know who's who in our Cabinet. They don't really give a fuck about politics in Singapore. Neither do I actually.

Why vote when everything political here is so predictable? The ruling party has been in control since my grandfather's days. There's hardly any opposition and if there is any opposition, they'll be suppressed. How are we, the people, to know what these opposition have to offer when they are not given the chance to speak???

Anyway, the new PM is Mr Lee Hsien Loong. Sounds familiar? That's because he's Mr Lee Kuan Yew's son. Has the elder Mr Lee retired? Not really. He's been given a new post as Minister Mentor. Whatever the fuck that means. Mr Goh Chok Tong is now Senior Minister. Whatever the fuck that means too.

In the local papers, nobody talked about how our leaders were not chosen by the people. The papers only showed how "people" were in cheers or joyful mood about the swearing in of the new PM. What crap! They're there at the Istana for the free food and 5 minutes of fame. The locals, I mean REAL locals talk about how disgruntled they are with the political scene here all the time, yet our fucking papers don't dare to publish our views??? I thought credible newspapers are supposed to be neutral? You just have to sit in a cab or pass by a coffeeshop and you'd hear all sorts of commentaries on every Tom, Dick and Harry of politics.

Obviously I'm in a foul mood. I didn't have a restful sleep. In fact, I think I cried more than sleep. I cried like a baby last night. I almost did something stupid but something stopped me. My sister came over and hugged me to sleep. I had bad dreams still. I'm a shit aren't I?

I don't know how I'm going to last 4 years of school. Nobody is supporting me. I didn't make any friends during fucking orientation. All I got out of that was a bloody aching body. Part-time jobs are not easy to come by especially for a full-time student like me.

Maybe I'm just too jaded for this shit. I can't seem to see the bright light even though people keep saying to be more positive. How the fuck am I to be positive when shit's thrown at me left, right and centre?! I'm not Mother Theresa you know! My patience isn't limitless. I have my weaknesses too.

I want to cry into someone's arms! I want to be held like a child! I want to be comforted! I want to be loved!

Nobody loves me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 12, 2004 @ 12:51 am

Dear Blogger,

It was the third day of orientation. This time round I was supposed to camp in SMU grounds for 2 nights. I have no intention of doing so. I was also supposed to report in at 8am today. Obviously, I did. I spent half the morning with D.

I didn't intend to spend my time as such. I did wake up early this morning. But I napped again after shower. I woke up again at 7.30am but I had diarrhoea soon after. I sms my facilitor that I won't be able to attend the morning session and I would make my presence felt later in the day, if I was feeling better by then.

I asked D if he wanted to have breakfast with me and he said sure! I ended up chauffeuring him from Loyang Secondary to Victoria Theatre and my breakfast was taken at about 10.30am.

Loyang Secondary School was staging a musical production and today it was having its dry run at the theatre. I didn't stay long for the rehearsal but all I can say was, there was a lot of rooms for improvements. I don't mean the artistic aspect of the production. I'm not qualified to comment on that. I was referring to the organisation of it all.

When I asked around about the purpose of the production, none seemed to know the answer very well. I don't get it! If no one is clear about the objective of a project, how is everyone going to achieve a common goal and product?

For example, some of the teachers might do this for their resume while others might do this for the honourable service to the school. The students most probably do this to skip the mundanes of schoolwork. The outsourced talents like D and the artistic director are doing it for the money. It's their bread and butter after all.

I left at noon and headed to school. I couldn't stand the hypocrisy at the theatre anymore. I joined my team for the games but because of the heat and humidity, I wasn't very enthusiastic about the whole event. I never really liked orientation anyway. The fact that I did show up at all proved that I made an effort.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 10, 2004 @ 11:55 pm

Dear Blogger,

Second day of Orientation and it was OK. It was CCA day or VIVACE. It's supposed to mean something but I don't know what. I signed up for lots of things but I don't know if I'll actually participate in all of them. I think not. I actually signed up for the stage production club, radio station club (SMU has its own radio station!), rugby, entrepreneur club, publications... I think that's about it.

My timetable is out and it looks fine. A few hours of lessons each day. Pretty alright. Actually, I'm not really concerned about the academic aspect of school. Most of the time, my mind is occupied with the financial aspect of life. I'm cracking my brain on how to get a brand new notebook for school, which according to my dean, is COMPULSORY. I really can't afford it and I don't think my notebook loan application will be successful. I don't exactly have a good track record when it comes to loans.

I started work at O'Briens today. It was pretty cool. Reminded me of the days when I was working for Delifrance. It doesn't pay much but it keeps the income coming in. I can't depend on my father for allowances. I can't depend on Din to support me. I can't depend on anyone for that matter!

People kept asking me why work when I'm schooling or why school full time. It's as if by asking me all those questions, they're going to support me financially. Do me a favour. Don't ask silly questions when you have no solutions to offer me.

Why school full time? It's SMU for God's sake! How many student population in Singapore actually get to go to SMU??? I don't know what Prof Miller (that's my dean) saw in me but he thinks that I should be in SMU.

Why work? Redundant question.

I've been so busy this week that I've not met D at all. He's been calling me every day and that always cheers me up. Din too has been contacting me almost every night, via sms of course. I have not seen him for... 2 weeks? 3 weeks? 4 weeks? I don't know actually. Come to think of it, I haven't gotten my weekly doses!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, August 06, 2004 @ 5:15 pm

Dear Blogger,

Based on the academic briefing I attended today, I knew that I will still be a misfit. All around me, I saw freshfaced kids. I'm a jaded 24 year old! Guys outnumbered girls 2 to 1. I saw only 3 malay girls and that included me! No malay guys at all.

If this is what I have to go through for the next 3 years, I will be having a very hard time. I know I sound very pessimistic but I can't help it! I feel great that I'll be studying again, in a very tough school at that. But I still have to be real. I can't afford a lot of things right now. I have bills to settle left and right. It's really difficult for me and it's really testing my will.

People don't see the blood and tears I've shed. They only see the "wealth" I seemed to project. I don't know why I project that kind of image. It's probably a family trait. I guess I picked it up from my dad.

I'm in mental distress right now. I guess the pressure to perform has gotten to me. I need Din. Only he can make me feel safe and secure. So ironic isn't it? A guy who could hurt me so much can provide me with such solace. I don't even know what I'm writing about. I'm... breaking...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 05, 2004 @ 12:19 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went to Balaclava last night. There was no Ladies Night at Balaclava but there was no cover charge, so it was OK. It was my first time there although I've been wanting to go there for ages. Just that I didn't have friends who were interested in this stuff till now.

The place not only looked cool, it IS cool. I didn't even know it has a live band! The band played mostly pop tunes but unplugged style. Really nice and laidback. But the crowd weren't a laidback crowd. It was an executive and yuppie crowd. I could have fit right in if only I was wearing a power suit. Of course I didn't. I'm going to be a student again so goodbye to power suits man!

I wore a low-cut pink top which years ago, I labelled it as a "date" outfit. I could do a J-Lo if I wanted to because no matter which ever angle I look at myself, I don't have cleavage! That's how flat I am! Besides, who would really look at me. I'm invisible remember?

Anyway, I had fun at Balaclava. Nice ambience. Happening friends. The bourbon coke was a tad too strong for me though. I was only at my second glass and already the room started spinning. The rest drank beer. I don't drink beer. My tongue hasn't developed the taste of beer yet.

D came over to Balaclava slightly after midnight. He was at the Esplanade rehearsing for the musical, which will open today. There's only one reason why D would want to meet at that hour and I don't think I have to elaborate. I have this suspicion that things are not going to stay simple for long. D is great but things MUST stay simple.

Din wants to see me on Saturday. I don't know man. My brain tells me that I'll just regret it if I see him but after all those nights of lust, my heart wants to be with someone who loves me. Like I told D, what I want he can't give and shouldn't give.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 02, 2004 @ 11:18 am

Dear Blogger,

It was a really horrible, horrible weekend and it was a very horrible, horrible farewell to the working world for me. I simply can't believe it. After 4 years of slaving in that department, it all boils down to what I've achieved in the last 7 days I'll be working there. That's so bullshit!

It got worse. I had one of my awful cramps and I really felt terrible for D. He was so unfortunate to be the one who had to face my tantrums and my sulky mood. It wasn't his fault. I got to spend one whole day with him and I had to have cramps on that fucking day!

It didn't help that everyone in his circle thought I'm just a groupie. I'm not! I'm too smart for that. I'm not with him because he's a musician. I'm with him because he's a great guy and I enjoy his company.

Din would know what to do when I'm like this. He would just hold me till I feel so much better. I called him the other night but he didn't answer. I guess he's still on that island.

It's weird. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into but I was just deceiving myself. Lust is cool but on some days, all I wanted is to be loved. Nobody could give me that except Din. He may be a shitty boyfriend but I know for sure that he really loves me.

It's a brand new week in a brand new month. I'll be starting school soon. Everyone kept saying that things will be better once I'm in school. I'll even meet someone new! I don't know about that. Most guys will be younger than me. I can't be with a younger man. We won't be in the same frequency.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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