modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Friday, July 30, 2004 @ 11:29 am

Dear Blogger,

I know I just posted but I'm really, really bored. It's my last day of work but I've nothing to do! What the hell am I doing here in the office anyway? It's a complete waste of time. Let's walk down memory lane a bit...

November 2000. I came here as a temp staff. I was bored. I just wanted to do something out of the house so I applied for any job that I could possibly do. This job was meant to be a time-killer till I can afford to or at least have the opportunity to go to university.

I was converted to a full-time staff a few weeks later. I started out as a clerk, tracing medical records for doctors. Much like library work. Other people would have baulked at the idea of a poly grad working as a clerk. But like I said, this was just a time killer.

A few months later, I was promoted to Operations Assistant, a designation more suitable for my qualifications. I was given my own desk, PC, phone and other stuff and I was doing special projects. I was happier because I had full access to a PC and an internet connection. Anyone who knows me would know that if you put me in front of a PC with an internet connection, I would not move at all till it's time to go home. I'm such an internet junkie am I?

I was happy where I was. Being an Operations Assistant, I wasn't given high expectations, which was really good for me. Can't stand people giving me high expectations. I don't need to be told time and time again how much potential I have and how I'm not fulfilling it to the max. HELLO! I know that already!

I was promoted to Executive in 2003. The honeymoon's over. Expectations, expectations, expectations. Hated that! Plus, my personal life was a mess. Can't remember how many times I came to work with red, swollen eyes. Can't remember how many times I was sobbing at my desk. It was easy for the management to say, "Leave you personal life outside the office". They forgot that I wasn't born with a penis.

My female boss called me an intelligent and creative force. But like all intelligent and creative forces, I have a problem dealing with my intelligence and creative juices. And we can be extreme creatures. No shit! Gee! Like where have I heard all that before??? Oh yah! From my psychiatrist.

I remember this young Malay chap whom I would flirt shamelessly but he's a Scorpio so our status just stayed at flirting. He made my stay here bearable though. There aren't that many single and available guys here so a guy like him is a commodity and he's flirting with me! Of course now, I think he's halfway to the altar already, to some teacher I heard. The last time we chatted (late last year), he said that he still kept the email I sent him. I'm not talking about just any email. It was The Email. Aaarrrgggghhhhh!!! That was really embarrassing.

After he left, work got a little boring. I became more cyber than before. Meeting people online daily was the norm for me. Anything to get myself out of the mundane working life.

I had my ups and downs here but in overall, working in this organisation wasn't too bad. I get to look and sometimes play with the adorable babies. That's just priceless to me.

Fast forward to 2004. My official last day of work is 31st July 2004 but I've not worked for months already. I think I'm burnt out. Made friends and enemies. The motherfucker IT Administrator who seems to have a problem with my transformation from tudung-clad loser to modern woman is still here. Idiot!

Sincerely,
modgurl.


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@ 10:20 am

Dear Blogger,

It was like he knew I had a very shitty day. He messaged me out of the blue using his friend's mobile. I was already in tears when I received his messages.

I was supposed to chill at Lola last night but everyone else forgotten to update me! So I arrived there, parked my car at a ridiculous $5 per entry and just walked from Fullerton to Boat Quay and back. It was a chilly, rainy day so it was really a sad sight to see a young woman walking in the rain for no reason other than to kill time.

I scolded him for not informing me about leaving. I scolded him for not being there for me. I scolded him for making me cry. Yet, he found all that amusing. I was alone, crying and drenched in the middle of the night somewhere in town and he finds all that amusing???

Anyway, he's out there at Pulau Brani for in-camp training for, get this, a fucking 3 months!!! What the hell are they training for at some jungle island for 3 months??? Is this what my taxes are going into??? Thank god for D! I don't know if I can take 3 months of celibacy.

Talking about D... he's really busy these days rehearsing for Revenge of the Dim Sum Dollies. I hope he remembers to TRY and get me free passes to the musical. The perks of hanging with artistes. Haha!

I made my way to Jalan Kayu for supper. I've got nothing else to do and I didn't want to go home too early. I spent time getting myself dressed up and you expect me to be home early??? Think again!

My friends and I had bloody red tulang. Heavy dish for supper isn't it? It wasn't really good though. The sauce was thick and sweet. The meat or whatever that was left on the bone were really tough. But I was frustrated. So I ate and ate. Not as much as my girlfriend though. She can eat and eat and eat! Goodness!!!

I have been eating more frequently but I haven't eaten much. My bulimia is back in full force. Must be all that pent-up frustration. Last night, I could have been dreaming here, but I was sure that I threw up blood. Should I panic now? Errr... I'm not feeling anything.

Sincerely,
modgurl.


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Thursday, July 29, 2004 @ 10:15 am

Dear Blogger,

Today is Din's birthday but he's not here is he? I can't even contact him to wish him a happy birthday. That sucks!

Oh yah! Today is also the day that I've officially renounce my probation driver status. Yey! But I'm not going to remove the P-plate on my car. I've grown fond of it. I think I'll just let it stay stuck there for decoration purposes.

I've just bought 4kg worth of cakes from Prima Deli for the staff in my department. I have 90 over staff in the department and I can't just leave this goddamn department without at least giving them a token of my appreciation. An expensive token of appreciation no less! But what's $100 worth of flour and sugar compared to 4 years of working experience?

I won't get my final pay cheque till next week and I'm already down to my last dollars. Shit man! What am I going to do??? I really need to get myself a part-time/temp job. I may stop working for school but bills are still coming in you know.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 2:13 am

Dear Blogger,

Things have started to stable a bit. I still think of Din of course but it's no big deal. I've cleared up most of my work, which is good. Financial wise, I'm still looking for solutions. I've applied to several job ads. I've even written to the companies which I want to work in. No replies so far except for one: National Library Board.

I didn't get the post of Library Officer because the interviewers thought I was looking for a full-time job. Didn't they read my requirements clearly??? There were 6 interviewers by the way. 6 women interviewers for the post of a Library Officer. You would think that this is a high-paying job but it's not. A Library Officer is not a Librarian. Traditionally, to be a Librarian, you need at least a Masters qualification. In Singapore however, I think you can be called a Librarian even if you have a Bachelor.

I also attended a tea session cum forum for women "from all walks of life". Apparently, from what I've seen, the women are a priviledged lot it seems. Not really "from all walks of life" is it? And where are my race folks??? I felt that I was representing three groups! The young woman in her 20s, the Malay woman and a student.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, July 26, 2004 @ 6:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's a Monday. Some people love Mondays, some people hate Mondays. I, am stuck in the middle. I slept well last night so maybe that's why today doesn't seem so bad.

I've actually gotten my reports done. I've procrastinated for weeks already! I don't know what I've been thinking all these while. Wait a minute! Why should I feel bad about it? It's OK to go crazy once in awhile. It helps me to be sane! I think Singaporeans in general worry too much. Most don't know how to relax and when they do relax, they feel guilty about it.

Anyway, I still think of Din but it was of good thoughts. He may be gone but it doesn't mean that I should think bad about him all the time. He has some good points about him. I'm determined to think of those only. If he calls, he calls. If he doesn't, then too bad for him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, July 25, 2004 @ 11:43 am

Dear Blogger,

No matter how many friends I meet, no matter how many lovers I have, I still miss him. He is out of Singapore for several weeks. I don't know for what. How do I know this? His cousin told me. I have to know these things not from Din himself, but from other people. It's a fucked up relationship we were having.

Everyone keep saying that I deserve someone better and one day, I will meet someone better. I'm sorry folks. Till that day comes, I'm bloody suffering now. You guys can say anything you want to comfort me, but I'm fucking suffering right now!

It was a Saturday night. Did you know what time I slept? 10:30pm on a Saturday night. That's pathetic isn't it? I didn't sleep because I was tired. I slept because I was bored and no one was available to chill with me!

I can't be with D because I have been with D for the last 4 nights! That's too much! The more I spend time with him, the more I miss Din. Don't get me wrong. D is a great guy but there are some things he cannot give me and those are the things which I wanted most! Even in times of passion, he doesn't thrill me like how Din does it for me.

How do I not think of Din? Yes I can avoid thinking of him but I can't avoid it forever. The pressure is too much for me to handle. It will come out like a volcano eruption!

I wish I was stronger. I wish I can be more self-assured. But I am so tired of trying to be stronger. I am human for crying out loud! I'm a mush behind the steel. It is said that love makes you stronger. I say love has made me weaker.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, July 23, 2004 @ 4:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

It has been a very frustrating week. I have not done any work at all and I've been on sick leave for 2 days now. I'm not sick but does laziness count as sick? I am in no fucking to work at all. I just want to chill and be a slacker till school starts.

On Wednesday night, I went to an advertising event at Fort Canning. Pretty cool stuff. Enjoyed Royston Tan's "Cut" and last years best ads, which were mostly not shown here. I don't get it. So much creativity and inspirational work but they're not shown in this rigid island of Singapore. And the government is spending money to develop Singapore as a cultural hub. Yeah right!

As I was leaving Fort Canning, I came across an old flame. I don't give a fuck what he does now but the least he could do was not to look too guilty about whatever he has done.

My girlfriend and I went to China Jump for Ladies Night. We met our friends there and it's all downhill from there. The music was great. The drinks were not too great. The crowd was a little snobbish and I ended up crying in a dark corner like an angry old woman. My friends tried to comfort me. Putting their arms around me. Saying words like its an SOP or something. I appreciate that but that's not what I wanted at that time. I wanted Din. I wanted my papabear.

I was drunk with tears that I couldn't really remember what happened next. I knew I reached home safely (amazingly!) at 2am. I must have slept in my car somewhere because I couldn't possibly drive home in one piece at that mental state.

I didn't want to go to work on Thursday so I claimed MC but I didn't actually have an MC. It was too late to go to the doctor anyway. I'll think of something to tell the office on Monday. Fuck them all. I'm left with a fucking week before I finally say goodbye to the working world anyway.

I spent the day napping and chatting. I'm always in front of the pc, sick or not. I made a date with a girlfriend to chill at Lola but it was sometime around midnight. D called and I asked him out for dinner. It dragged on to me hanging at his club till 1am. Poor Lola.

It's really fun being with him. His youthfulness and sunny personality is very infectious. It's hard to believe sometimes that he's past 30 already. What the hell does he see in me? Maybe he doesn't but let me indulge in my fantasy for awhile ya.

I think I'll see him tonight too. OK I confess. I want him tonight. Can't help it! I need my weekly doses. Well at least, a kiss will do fine.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004 @ 3:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am so upset at how things have turned out that fury is slowly taking over me. If I'm not careful, I'd pass out with high blood pressure or something. I tried not to think too much and I'm not! But what have I done to deserve this?!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:38 am

Dear Blogger,

I feel miserable. I hate to say this but I miss him. I feel so lost without him. It's not fair! Why do I have to feel this way when he doesnt?! It's not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

He still hasn't called me or left me a message. He has forgotten me. He's probably seeing some other bitch now. Why do I care anyway??? I hate this! I hate this! I HATE THIS!!!

Oh god! I'm going mental. Should I call him? No! I think I should just give in. Why suffer right? No! If I keep doing this, he'll never learn. He will forever take me for granted. AARRGGGHHHHHH!!! I'm going out of my mind!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, July 20, 2004 @ 3:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had lunch at the foodcourt alone as usual. I hate to eat alone but I've no choice. When I'm alone, I think too much. When I think too much, I'll just upset myself.

Working in a maternity hospital doesn't help my fragile mental state at all. I can't look at expecting mothers and babies for obvious reasons. I almost cried in my bowl of yong tau foo just now! I almost cried not because I was sad. I was feeling lonely and empty. Will I ever feel happy?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:46 am

Dear Blogger,

I just found out that a Gmail account is hot stuff! If I'd known earlier, I'd sell my invitations on eBay or something. I'm left with 3 invites now but I think there's no way I'm going to use it up now.

I don't know what's the big deal about Gmail anyway. It has a big storage space. Yeah but so what? People must pick up the habit of deleting their rubbish mails. They're not doing that!

Alternatively, you can blog frequently. That's how I got invited to Gmail! Google owns Blogger anyway. Pretty cool huh?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, July 19, 2004 @ 5:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am so fucking bored, bloated and sleepy. Don't feel like working anymore. SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:24 am

Dear Blogger,

I went to the World Beats 2004 gig at CHIJMES last evening. Even though, everyone else stood me up, I didn't regret going there one bit.

Bushmen were playing and although I didn't really like raggae, I loved live performances more. They were a very energetic band and kept playing non-stop for 45 minutes per set. I lost count on how many sets they played.

The band was made up of Mats but it's cool to see them play other type of music besides rock. They were not bad looking either. The bassist was especially cute. Boyish but cute. I think it was the ski cap and red shirt he wore that caught my attention. He was too skinny for me though. I'd imagine that if I ever get the chance to hug him, it won't be satisfactory.

D wanted to make a formal introduction for me but I was too shy so I let it go. Anyway he was just teasing me. We hanged after that till 3 am and I had a great time. I almost forgot that he was married. Almost ya!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, July 18, 2004 @ 12:22 pm

Dear Blogger,

The Jap food at Sushi Tei was OK. A little costly and there weren't that much variety to tingle my taste buds but it was OK. Had fun playing with a friend's 2 year old girl. She was so adorable. Then again, all kids that age are adorable. Sigh... I could have my own but I shall not dwell on it.

I followed the girls to Music Underground which was a club owned by Europa I think. It would have been a cool place to go to, 10 YEARS AGO!!! The place was so Cheena! The music was euro-trash and retro. Totally not me at all.

One of the girls stole a jug of beer thinking that the patron had left. Gosh that was a hilarious moment! And a very uncomfortable one if I might add.

There was a drunk guy who totally made a fool of himself. While others laughed at him, I felt sad for him. When we came, he was already at his upteenth time of a glass of beer. I could see that he was drowning his sorrows. I just wanted to tell him that things will be OK.

I was bored and tired after awhile. I could have met D at Fort Canning (there's a wedding there) but I didn't. I'm not very fond of weddings for obvious reasons. Furthermore, I was feeling a tad conscious of what's happening between us.

I always thought that when you're a good person, you'll get some goodness in return. I don't think I've gotten that. Sure I've met some really cool people these days but they can't give me what I want. D can charm my panties off all he wants but he's not the person I want to be with wholeheartedly. I couldn't anyway.

What have I done to Din that made him change? I could never find the answers to that. I don't think he knows it too. I've become a cynic in love. Anyone who tells me that he likes or worse, LOVES, me just the way I am is full of crap. Nobody could love me that way.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, July 17, 2004 @ 11:27 am

Dear Blogger,
 
I seriously have had enough of Din! Do you know where he was last night? He was staying overnight at his cousin's place! No. That wasn't why I was so upset with him. I was upset because he didn't tell me about it! Here I was, hoping that we'd spend some time together and he didn't even say he can't. He just let me anticipate his movements!
 
I called his mobile and his cousin picked up the call. He told me that Din was at his place and that he was bunking there. He asked me who I was. Who the fuck did he think I was?! I told him I was Din's soon-to-be-ex girlfriend. I sent a message to Din saying we are so fucking over.
 
He totally ruined the night for me. We haven't seen each other for more than a week and he can't even make an effort to do so??? What kind of a relationship is this?! If he want's me to be his fucking buddy, then TELL me! Don't leave me hanging like this!
 
I deleted his contacts and I went to BRIX. Bad choice. Not my type of scene at all. Too many caucasians and indians who incidentally are African American wannabes. Give me a break man! And what is it with caucasian men??? They're always picking up the small, skinny ladies. I was left with the older men who were old enough to be my GrandDad! Eeeewwwwww!!!
 
D asked me to Actors' Pub at Boat Quay so I said OK. My mood was still quite bad when I reached the pub. The band was already jamming away. I could hear them from 7-11 which was directly below them. I don't know why, but I felt so naked in that pub. I was probably the youngest patron there.
 
I had told D that I was feeling very shitty today and it was because of "BGR matters". I still can't fucking believe that my now EX-BF prefers to spend the night with his cousin instead of me! I was too furious and too drunk already. I wished I could vent my rage on something. There was nothing of course. Not even a tryst with D. I couldn't do that to him. It was all wrong.
 
I forced myself to stay focus while driving home, which was about 30min to 5am. I reached my doorstep at exactly 5am. I sms D that I was home and thanks for the company. He apologised that he couldn't be with me longer. I said don't be sorry because some things are worth waiting. He said, "You're so cool baby". You're so cool baby??? What the hell does that mean?
 
Men! God know's how their brains function. *rolls eyes*
 
I'm here at work. I woke up at 7:30am. Yes, I managed to sleep AND wake up. I'm bored to death here and it's freaking cold in the office. Probably raining again. When will I see him again? Should I even see him again?
 
Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, July 16, 2004 @ 10:30 am

Dear Blogger,

D invited me to a musical by Tanjong Katong Primary, which he was the musical director of. I brought my girlfriend along because I knew she would like this sort of things.

The musical was good considering that the performers were Primary School students. It's about 3 warring tribes who learnt the importance of unity when the "Wind of Change" threatened to wipe them off the land of Katong. Haha! A bit cheesy if I may say so myself.

I've heard the songs already because D made me listen to the soundtrack before that, so there was no surprises left. He was extremely proud of them because he wrote them. I wish I could share his enthusiasm but I'm just not into it. He was a joy to look at when he talked about his pride and joy though.

D looked good last night too but that was probably because I hadn't had my weekly "dose". Din was still MIA you see. Gosh! He looked good enough to eat. I would love to eat him last night but it was not meant to be. Sometimes, you just have to wait for the right moment.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 @ 5:36 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am so braindead today and all I did was complete one report. One bloody report! Why am I so tired lately??? I had forgotten that there was a newbie party at AWARE today. It'll be good for me to go but I'm just too tired. I don't think an upside down smile will be appreciated today.

Maybe I should just go home and relax on the couch with the tv on. That sounds so much more tempting than shaking hands with a bunch of other women. I'm not a woman person as you can see. Women hate me! I don't know why.

You know what I need? A good dose of quality sex. That should keep my spirits up for the rest of the week. Din still hasn't called. I don't know what number he's using now. I'm not going to call him though. Why should I??? He was asking to be ignored!

I'm not really cut-out for this volunteer business. I haven't reached that stage where I'll find fulfillment in helping others. I guess I'm still pretty much a selfish person.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 @ 9:44 pm

Dear Blogger,

My dad just told me how proud he was of me. That's so weird! Love and affection isn't widely practised in my family. We're not a lovey-dovey family. We don't talk. We yell. So you can imagine how absolutely out of this planet this feels like. Anyway, he said he's going to give me pocket money when I start uni. Hey! I didn't ask for it! He offered!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 4:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had free tickets to a movie but none of my friends can make or they're simply not interested. I don't know. I don't want to waste my energy on getting angry with them. Total waste of time. I don't want to be disappointed too. Too much disappointments already.

I'm really, really shagged. I didn't do much though. Just that my body feels so tired. I'm going to sleep early tonight, again. I don't think D wants to chill tonight either. He's busy with a musical he's doing. He called me last night just like he said he would. He said he's going to call me tonight too. I hope this doesn't mean anything though.

Din's MIA as usual. Heck care!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:27 am

Dear Blogger,

I feel so exhausted and all I want to do right now is SLEEP! I don't get it! I slept early last night but I had problems waking up today. I seriously had to drag myself out of bed and into the shower. After which, I had to control myself againts going back to sleep. Am I sick or something?

I've tried drinking coffee but I'm still stoned. My eyes just can't seem to stay open! I'm really having a hard time here. Can't say I've been having too many late night outs. I'm only out late in the weekends. Perhaps I've got the flu bug.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, July 12, 2004 @ 11:17 am

Dear Blogger,

I think things between me and D got a little steamy after Friday night. It wasn't supposed to happen and I swear I tried every possible means to prevent anything from happening. I even toned down my sex factor and that is NOT an easy thing to do. I mean, a girlfriend of mine said that she got a bit turned on when she sat across me watching me eat ice cream. And I was JUST eating ice cream! Geez!

Anyway, after what? 2 weeks of flirting? D finally managed to kiss me. I couldn't hold it back and he was very insisting. It's the neck. I shouldn't have exposed my neck like that. He thinks that I have a sexy neck. Boy! That's new! I didn't know necks can be sexy. Then again, I didn't know that penises come in all shapes and sizes. *rolls eyes*

He wanted more but I told him no. I just couldn't! If only he wasn't married. Then you know, I wouldn't feel too guilty about it. OK I admit that I didn't really despise the kiss. I did enjoy it, a bit! But no! This is all too wrong.

If it's all wrong, why did I hang out with him again on Saturday night? That's the thing about guys! They don't understand that just because a girl likes to hang out with them, it doesn't mean that she wants to sleep with them. I like music. I like live bands. It's always cool to meet musicians. It's all innocent fun isn't it?

I've got to realise that not everyone thinks like I do. That assumption has always gotten me into trouble. I swear to God I didn't mean for it to happen! But I doubt anyone would believe me. Least of all, Din.

Well, it was his fault too! I wanted to be with him that Saturday night but as usual, work got top priority. I wanted to show him the product of the Brazilian bikini wax I went earlier but he was too busy.

The Brazilian was painfully but only the initial stage. The lady didn't even give me warning! Of course I didn't expect the whole process to be pain-free but she could at least give me some warning. But the whole thing took about 10 minutes, which I was told was very fast. In other salons, the process can take up to 45 minutes!

It feels good though. I know someone likes it very much. Being hairless there can really do wonders to your confidence. I don't know why though. I'll do it again in 3 weeks and I'll be more prepared this time round.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, July 08, 2004 @ 11:42 am

Dear Blogger,

It's a wonderful morning isn't it? Dark clouds, heavy rain... aaahhhhhh... what a morning! Makes me want to snuggle up in bed with my comforter and all my bears.

I had a great time last night. That explains the wonderful tingly feeling today. No sex was involved though! No kiss, no hugs, no fondling. Just good old-fashion companionship.

D asked me if I want to join him at Indochine last night. I was already in bed when he messaged me. I was in bed very early. I thought about his invitation and thought what the hell. I won't be asleep later anyway.

So I got dressed and drove down to Boat Quay. I've never been to Indochine and I must say, it's quite a swanky place. Cool place to chill and see stars. I only had a glass of water. I just missed out on the latte. I didn't want to drink because my stomach was quite empty. Drinking on an empty stomach isn't a very good idea.

I hung out with a bunch of musicians. Older musicians. Old enough to be my dad! But it was all cool. They performed a jazzy set on the stage. D played drums of course. I was besotted with the lady singer. She had a great voice.

After that, we hopped over to a restaurant across the river. I was hungry but I just wanted coffee. It soothed my aching stomach for awhile. The rest of the bunch was halfway to drunkhood already and I could tell because the conversation had gone from sensible to senseless. I was glad to be the only sober member of the group.

I reached home slightly after 3am and went straight to bed. Surprisingly, I still managed to wake up on time today. I'm not even sleepy at all! Still high on the coffee I guess.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, July 07, 2004 @ 5:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am so braindead right now. I was doing reports after reports and I could feel a brain meltdown coming soon. It's Wednesday but I don't have any dates. Everyone else is so busy. Like I care anymore. My stomach hasn't recovered and I feel like throwing up again. It's good that I'm not eating much. My weight is going down gradually but I still haven't reached my target. I think I have to starve for weeks if I'm ever going to reach my target weight.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, July 06, 2004 @ 9:50 am

Dear Blogger,

I don't know what was wrong with me today. I nearly scalded myself when I pressed the nozzle for the boiling water instead of soap. I also thought that today was Wednesday instead of Monday! I'm losing my mind!

I couldn't stop thinking of D but that was because Din didn't respond to my calls. I was thinking that since everyone thinks that I'm a slut, I might as well live up to that reputation. I haven't done anything good in my life have I?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, July 04, 2004 @ 9:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been throwing up and having diarrhoea all weekend but that didn't stop me from meeting friends, lovers, etc till the wee hours of morning.

It started Saturday morning as I was on my way to work. I felt very, very nauseous right after eating nasi lemak for breakfast. I thought it can't be that because the effect was way too fast.

Since I was already on my way to work, I might as well stay in the office. I thought by going to the doctor and get an MC, it'll be a waste of money and time. Besides, I didn't really have much to do at work on a Saturday, so I slept on my desk most of the time. I made sure I let everyone in the office know that I was sick and I've been vomiting the whole morning.

I went straight home after that and slept the whole afternoon. I still wasn't feeling too good. I was to meet my friends at Centro at midnight but I had to leave early, by 7:30pm in fact, because I had to pass a friend his stuff back.

So what was a girl to do from 7:30pm to midnight? Call all her friends if they want to meet of course. There must be something wrong with the friends I have. None was available! Awfully ridiculous.

D messaged me saying that his band is playing at a private and asked me if I want to join him. I hesitated for a long time. He's a married man after all. And private parties aren't my thing. Furthermore, it's in a posh private apartment. Definitely not my thing.

But since no one else bothered to give me the time and day for me, I thought, what was I to lose anyway? So I drove over to the party but I stayed outside at the garden. It was a really nice place to chill. The full moon was in clear view. There was a man-made waterfall nearby. It was a bit warm though but the beauty and sound of nature made up for it.

The garden was right next to the unit where the party was. So I could here the band playing. It was playing some jazzy tunes. It really added to the atmosphere. Pretty groovy.

I wondered what kind of party it was. Only some rich expats could afford to hire a band for a small private party. I didn't want to go in. I didn't want the unnecessary attention. Besides, I came alone. That will sure bring in attention.

I messaged D that I was to leave soon but the music was great. He called me a few minutes later asking where I was, so I told him. He met me at the garden and we chatted for awhile. He was in a very mischievious and bullying mood but I didn't reciprocate. I was sick and a little tired after all.

Another piece of nugget from D. He's a father of 2 boys! Wow! Why didn't that surprise me at all? But seriously, I enjoyed his company. I couldn't help but be attracted to him. That didn't mean I've forgotten myself though. Nothing happened. We just chatted and joked with each other. He was necking me though but I told him that I find the close proximity very uncomfortable. He respected that but that didn't stop him from annoying the hell out of me. Hahaha!

He had to return to his band and so I left. I was already late for my friends were already waiting for me at Centro. Did you know parking at Fullerton is fucking $5 per entry on Saturday nights??? So bloody expensive!

There was guest DJs at Centro that night but the music was heavy trance. Really pounding beats. I had to retreat to Lola because the crowds were getting on to me. Lola is what I called a chill place. It's meant for people to chill. There were many transvestites on that night though. They were dressed to kill, literally. And somebody please tell them that G-strings are meant to be hidden not shown off! Gosh! If they want to be sexy, don't dress like a slut.

I didn't know how I managed to drive myself home on Sunday morning. I felt very, very quesy and I counted down the time before I finally threw up. But I didn't throw up! Damn! I practically crawled my way to bed from the multi-storey carpark, which was like 10min walk!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, July 02, 2004 @ 9:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

I found out last night that D is married. I seemed to be a magnet for married men these days don't I? Why can't married men just stay married? Why can't they leave a single and available girl, who's on a lookout for a potential mate, alone?

I went to Devil's Bar with some friends last night. It was ladies night but I came early. It's one of those rojak clubs which has everything for everyone. Live band, dance floor, sports bar, lounge, etc. It's not my crowd though. The crowd's a bit older for me. I didn't even chat up any nice guys!

Some of the staff there were cute though but they seemed too engrossed with themselves. I got bored after awhile. There's only so much you can do there.

As usual, when I'm bored, I send smses to guys whom I'd like to meet. Last night wasn't my night I guess. No one I had in mind was available! Two's married. One's having supper somewhere up north. Another replied me after midnight. I had already left the club by then.

No prizes guessing who I ended up with last night. Honest to God, he was the very last person I contacted. I haven't contacted him for 3 days. I didn't want to considering I had told him that I wanted to move on. Besides, he sent me a message first.

I intended the meeting to be a fuck and leave session, but I'm too goody-two-shoes for that. I couldn't do IT with him. I simply couldn't! I couldn't even bring myself to kiss him!

It's just that everything felt so wrong. I didn't want this! I didn't want another fucking session. I told him before that I didn't want just a sexual relationship. So why the hell did I ask him out???

I got up and got dressed. He looked confused. I told him I wanted to go home. He got upset. I had expected that. He chain-smoked. He was obviously upset. I sat down, afraid to do anything. He said he knew why I couldn't do it and I was confused. I didn't think he knew the exact reasons why.

He got dressed and paced about. I didn't dare to look at him. He sat down and smoked again. Then he held my hand and pulled me closer. I sat on his lap, like I used to a long time ago.

We looked at each other but all I could see was just some guy whom I had a serious relationship with. He was no longer the man I loved. He was just some man.

Then he said sorry. Sorry??? What for? There was something sincere about that sorry and that took me back a little. Then he called me something which I had not heard in years. All the past memories just came flashing back. I forced myself to keep smiling thinking that if I did that, the tears tap would remain shut.

It didn't remain shut but I tried to hide the tears from him, keeping the smile stuck to my face. He hugged me but I wanted to push away. He was too strong for me and I was too weak, so I started sobbing on his shoulders.

I told myself I had to stop this nonsense so I managed to push myself away from him. He was a bit taken aback. I sat by the bed while he stood up for another puff. I couldn't remember what was going through in my mind at that moment. It was like everything just went blank!

When he finished smoking, he laid on the bed. I thought he just getting his composure together but I heard sobs coming from him. There's something heartbreaking when a man cries. All my maternal instincts just wanted to hold him and comfort him but something stopped me. I was fighting my emotions! I didn't know what to do! So I just sat there quietly.

It felt like an eternity before he finally stopped crying. He got up and said he's ready to go now. I got up too but I was torn. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to stay either. I couldn't move. He asked me gently what did I want to do. I couldn't answer.

He held me again and a whole barrage of tears just came flooding. He didn't say anything but just held me. He led me to the bed and laid me there. I was sobbing like a child.

He talked to me in whispers. He said that he knew I was seeing someone else and that person really liked me a lot. I shook my head but I couldn't tell him that there was no one else. I seemed to have my voice. That's not the reason. The reason is you!

I told him in between sobs that he doesn't love me anymore and that we shouldn't even be here. I've told him repeatedly why I have to move on.

He looked at me and smiled. He said I was a foolish girl. He said he still loves me very much and he loves me just the way I am. He knew that he's not been spending much time with me but it's not because he stopped loving me.

I was too lost in my thoughts to believe him. I got up to leave again but he stopped me. He said there's something else that I didn't want to tell. He was right. I didn't want to tell him what's been bothering me. Even if I wanted to, he wouldn't want to.

He coaxed me out of it and I told him about how the loss of the baby still haunts me. I couldn't control myself and I broke down. He held me tight and said soothing words but I couldn't hear him. It was as if all those years of frustration just flowed down furiously from my eyes.

When I've finally calmed myself, I was exhausted. I couldn't even stand up. He laid me on the bed and let me sleep. He lied close beside me and I cuddled up to him, afraid that he won't be there when I woke up. But he was still there.

How could I hate him? How could I not come back to him when all the other guys I meet are jerks? I'm probably back to square one now but please let me stay in this comfort zone for a little bit longer.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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