modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004 @ 10:02 am

Dear Blogger,

I almost forgot! It's C's birthday today!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY C!!! Even though you lied to me, we still had too many good times to make me really hate you for long.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:23 am

Dear Blogger,

Things are not really working out between me and D. Oh well. Just his luck then.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, June 29, 2004 @ 11:25 am

Dear Blogger,

I met this guy last Saturday at the Music by the Beach event at Sentosa. Actually, that's not right. He met me at the event! That's more accurate. He's... nice and full of youthful energy. That's something I don't come across everyday.

He's actually the drummer of the band which performed at the event. I swear I didn't do anything to catch anyone's attention! I was just sitting there on my own chilling to the latin tunes. He just approached me a few hours later and we got acquainted.

We met again last night. He asked me over to his other band's jamming session. That was cool. I've never been to a jam session. We then moved to some pub in Boat Quat. The Actor's musical pub or something like that. It has a reputation for being a gay's club. That was cool too. I've never been to anywhere remotely gay before till last night.

We were there so that the band could continue jamming. I'm musically deaf so I don't really know if the band's good. But they played decently I think. Overall, it was quite an experience. Everyone was friendly and again, I was the baby. I seem to be hanging with older folks these days don't I?

Anyway, this guy, ermm... what shall I call him? How about D? Guy D it shall be then. His name doesn't begin with D though, so don't bother guessing. Anyway, D was trying to get close but I wasn't comfortable enough yet. But I kind of liked him for his energy. It's refreshing I think. He just... needs to take things slow a little.

He's not really handsome. What am I talking about??? None of the guys I know are handsome in the conventional sense! Pleasant-looking is a much better word. I think he has that kind of aura that makes people like him. He's simply likable!

We didn't really talk much last night. Well... he talked a lot but nothing that's informative. I was tired anyway. He asked me when will I see him again. I don't know. I want to get to know him but I don't want this to be another senseless affair. I don't even know if he's married or soon to be married! God knows I don't want to make THAT mistake again!

He asked if we could chill again tonight. I'm still thinking about it. Besides, even if we did meet tonight, I don't know what we will be doing. You know I don't like to do things without a purpose. We could go for dinner but then what? Or we could watch a movie? But I don't know if he'd like that. I don't want it to be a date. I don't want to give him any ideas. I just want to go with the flow.

Gosh! It's been ages since I've thought about all these stuff. That's what happens when you're in an on-off relationship for 3 years.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, June 28, 2004 @ 11:27 am

Dear Blogger,

Nearly Unnoticed - Reese

She is lonely
Even though you can't tell
She is reaching out
For what, she doesn't know
She will continue to sit in silence
And hope that someone may stumble across
Her and all of her emptiness
But they only hope that they do it in time
Otherwise she will have drifted too far
And she may let go
Of whatever grasp of the world she has
As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone
Nearly unnoticed

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:29 am

Dear Blogger,

I broke up with him again last night. I'm so sick of saying that! I would like to remain separated for awhile but who am I kidding ya? He knows and I guess everyone knows that this separation won't be long. I'm really pathetic.

I was at Palawan Beach last Saturday for Music by the Beach. It's a free gig organised by the island. That night, The Groove was playing. It's a 7-piece band that plays latin music. It was alright, except that I came alone and I was early.

The crowd started streaming in after 7pm and one by one looked at me like I'm some weirdo. I guess you'd look at me like that too seeing that I was sitting alone on the straw mat meant for 4 persons and drinking... hmm... I don't really know what I drank!

The couples started dancing salsa and I was one of the few who sat there pretending to have fun. But God knows that I wasn't enjoying myself. I even cried sporadically! For Heaven's sake! It's salsa beat and I was crying! What the hell is wrong with me???

Even after the drummer approached me and introduced himself, I was still feeling like shit! He was trying to be nice and I appreciated that. Hey! I gave him permission to call me didn't I??? But you know something's missing.

What's a pretty girl doing alone in an event like this??? She has a smile that can melt some hearts. Yet, she's sad and alone. Is there something wrong with her? Where's her boyfriend? Does she have a boyfriend? Why doesn't she have a boyfriend?

Last night, I cried in my sleep again. Not because of him, but because I missed my baby. The whole memory of the surgery just came flooding back. I just don't understand how other girls could do this repeatedly. I felt so empty.

Nobody was there when I needed someone the most. That's my life for you. I'm not wanted. I'm not needed. I'm nobody.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, June 26, 2004 @ 2:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

Why do people assume my life is so swell??? If it is, then where are all my so-called friends??? Why am I in my office on a Saturday afternoon??? I've just finished crying by the way. Not that anyone cares right? Why did I cry? Gee... I don't know. Maybe I was too overwhelmed by the boredom that has plagued me since God knows when.

It's amazing how people flock to you when you're cash rich. But desert you when you're poor. No wonder I'm so filled with anger and hatred. I tried to love and share my love, but I get more pain. I am very sure that one day I'll just give up everything. I don't know how I'll do it. Slash my wrists perhaps?

I went to BarNone last night. Less than an hour later, I was bored, even though the DJ was playing tunes that rock. People tried to strike up a conversation with me but I was still bored. What is wrong with me??? Why do I feel like this??? I just... don't want to live anymore.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, June 25, 2004 @ 10:15 am

Dear Blogger,

I received my bonus today. But after paying my bills, loans and fines (I chalked up $150 worth of parking fines last month!), I'm left with barely nothing! It did give me some room to breathe though.

The situation at home is getting worse. My dad hasn't paid any utility bills in months and red letters are starting to flood our mailbox. What angers me most is that my brothers are pretending that there's nothing wrong going on and that it's not their problem! This is what happens when my mom spoils these boys rotten!

I have 3 idiotic brothers and they're in NS. So what?! Big deal! They're getting over $400 in allowance from the government (taxpayers' money!) and they can't contribute $50 to the household??? My parents are even paying for their bikes' maintenance! I don't care if they're male and they're in NS but this is simply bloody unfair!

Our cable and broadband access has been suspended a few days but I'm not going to do anything about it. These boys have to learn that they can't take things for granted. I'm telling you. The men/boys in my life are taking everything for granted! Still, my mom pampers them. Geez!!!

I'm not feeling any sibling jealousy here coz I've no reason to be jealous. I'm independent, dependable, smarter and more mature than them. Plus! I'm going to get my bachelor's degree, WITHOUT their help at all. THEY should be jealous of me!

I can't wait to get a place of my own. Somebody just marry me already!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, June 23, 2004 @ 2:22 pm

Dear Blogger,

The idiots at home have done it again. I barely reinstalled Win XP and all the other software and the the damn PC is down again. Too much man! I was about to go online last night and I couldn't! I was so fed-up I just ignored it. Besides, I was tired and sleepy.

Perhaps it was because of the lunchtime snack I had. Not really satisfactory but good stuff nevertherless. It must have been really tiring coz when I returned to the office, everyone asked why I looked so drained out. Hahaha! What can I say??? He's quite a lover.

I am counting down the days to the first day of school. It's all so exciting! Yet, I can't stop thinking what will happen to my car. Damn! I need a job! I've already let go of one baby, I'm not going to let go of another one.

Most people would just say it's just a car, but it's not just a car to me. Just like all the stuff I bought with my OWN money; my notebook, PC, books, etc, they are not just material stuff. They're special and a reminder to how hard I've to work to get them.

Sometimes, people take even food for granted. Wait till they realise that they can't afford to buy any food. That's the problem with people is it? You never know what you have till you've lost them.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004 @ 3:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

Suddenly I feel nostalgic. I missed the carefree feeling of yesteryears. I missed the night-time activities. These days my life revolves around work, home and occassionally Din, who does nothing but tries to get into my panties.

You know what? I don't need a boyfriend. I just need someone who will do stuff with me. Window-shop, chill at libraries, watch movies, appreciate the things that I like, etc. Does that sound like a best friend? Maybe it does. I think that'll make me happy.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, June 21, 2004 @ 9:26 am

Dear Blogger,

I spent the whole Sunday fixing the common pc at home. It was really brain draining. On top of that, I reformatted my notebook and that was another brain draining session.

It puzzles me everytime I reinstall Windows in my pc. Bill Gates takes pride in the fact that his OS is user-friendly and a no-brainer product but if it is so, then why the hell does it take ages to be installed??? And why the hell does it need so much personal data???

One more thing. Can all you no-life hackers out there stop attacking Microsoft products??? I'm really sick and tired of reformatting and reinstalling my hard disk! I support the protest against Bill Gates' domination in the computer market but don't you think all this spyware, virus, trojan stuff is too much??? Put some of that geniuses to good use will ya? Geez!

Gosh! It's almost the last week of June! Time flies so fast when the end is near doesn't it? I haven't tendered my resignation yet. I haven't even written that damn resignation letter yet. There's a lot of items in my to-do list, all overdue. What the hell have I been doing man???

Need to find a part-time job. Need to find a part-time job. Need to find a part-time job...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, June 19, 2004 @ 9:42 am

Dear Blogger,

I drove to JB with a friend of mine after work. I don't know why I chose that time to go there. The roads leading to the causeway are disaster zones! Drivers who were caught in the massive jam were maniacs! Nobody gave a fuck about the traffic lights. They just weave in and out like the roads belong to them.

I'm generally a nice and considerate driver. I give way to other driver if need be. But in this kind of situation, I can't be too nice. Otherwise I'd be stuck in Woodlands till the very next morning. My friend, who's pretty much a racer, was not helping me either. I can't be under stress you know. And him being what he is, was edging me on to fuck the road rules!

I was at Woodlands at 6pm. I finally got on the JB roads at 7:30pm. I got what I wanted (some copied installers!) at some mall I don't think I remember where now. I had my car washed and vacuumed. Can't remember the last time I had my car washed. My friend drove us all the way back to Singapore, even though he doesn't have a driving license. His license was revoked recently but that's a long and confusing story.

I didn't really have much energy to do anything else after that. All that stress on the road had worn me out! And when I was about to go to la-la land, the stupid Starhub MaxOnline called me to render tech support, which I had requested the NIGHT BEFORE!!! It's ridiculous service if you asked me. I'll bet they only returned my calls AFTER I've sent them a complaint letter.

I'll be watching Euro tonight at some friend's place. Din didn't like it as usual. The first thing he asked was, was it a male friend? Duh! Do you know any other female here who watches and supports football??? What is his problem??? I don't have a problem with him sending naughty messages to other girls do I? OK, maybe I do, a little, but I don't make a fuss over it right???

Can someone please knock some sense into him???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, June 18, 2004 @ 1:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just making use of Din and vice versa. I think we are. Let's face it. We don't even go out anymore! But sad to say, I prefer to be stuck in this comfort zone. There's no one out there who comes close for me to even take the plunge! Every guy I meet along the way has deceived me one way or another.

I don't know how far we will go. I'm even afraid to think of what the future holds for us. If only he would work towards shaping his future. Our future. He seems content with the way things are! Oh dear... what am I going to do with this boy?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, June 16, 2004 @ 2:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

I am sooooo sexually frustrated right now. I can't seem to channel all this energy to something else!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 11:00 am

Dear Blogger,

Here's the gist of what's happened in my life since my last update. Reports, reports and more reports. Posts, posts and more posts. But no sex life. It's been 2 weeks! AARRRGGGHHHHHH!!! It's been said that to get your hormones up and running and for a happier life, you have to make some loving with your partner. It's not a myth! That's what my doc even said!

But my partner has been busy. Hey! What's new??? He's always busy. 24/7! Busy! Busy! Busy! Oh well. I'll just have to keep myself busy too then.

I've been on the lookout for potential jobs. I know it isn't easy. Who's going to hire a full-time student anyway??? But I've to keep trying. Going on a job hunt is never easy. It's a warfare!

I am so excited about going back to school. I'm not excited about having to let go of my car though. That's provided if I can't find a job soon.

Gosh! I need to get all this sexual frustration out on someone man! It's driving me nuts!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, June 11, 2004 @ 9:00 am

Dear Blogger,

I haven't been blogging for many days have I? I've been busy trying to clear my work. The shock of being offered a place in SMU is still reeling in my brain. I'll be tendering my resignation soon. I'm going to miss this job nevertheless. I'm going to miss the stable income most.

I've got to start looking for part-time jobs soon. I still have bills to pay you know. You would think that people I know would support me, if not financially, then at least emotionally. Not surprisingly, no one has done that. Oh well, nobody should call me names if I've become an independent bitch.

I've got to get back to work. Many reports to write. Damn!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, June 07, 2004 @ 3:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been accepted at SMU!!! *jumping sky high!!!*

"7 June 2004

Dear XXXXXXXXXX (SXXXXXXXG; XXXXXXXXXX)

This year Singapore Management University had attracted many top quality students with as many as 7700 students competing for 870 places. This means that only one in nine applicants will succeed in securing a place.

In particular, the Bachelor of Science (Information Systems Management) is 7 times oversubscribed i.e. only 1 in 7 applicants gets selected. I am delighted to let you know that you have not only won a coveted place at SMU but the course of your choice as well - the Bachelor of Science (Information Systems Management)! My heartiest congratulations!

As one of the chosen few, you are joining a school that is well known for its cutting edge, breakthrough initiatives: a broad-based curriculum, distinguished faculty, a pedagogy that emphasizes active learning and to think on the feet, interaction, participation, leadership and teamwork. SMU is the first to offer a holistic approach to business IT education in this part of the world.

Students can expect to get the best of both worlds: theoretical foundations from the best qualified academics from top universities and the most up-to-date industry practices and developments from industry experts in leading edge companies. The emphasis on technical skills for design and deployment of business IT systems and the business skills for value, costs and risks of design makes for a powerful combination to drive business IT solutions. A discipline that couldn't be more exciting, creative and fun!

SMU exposes our students in two ways: Internationally, through our international exchange programs with more than 70 universities worldwide and through business mission trips and international case competitions; locally through our famed internship program where students are required to win the hands of their prospective employers through interviews. Our interns excelled and so impressed their employers that many are offered jobs before they graduate!

Coupled with additional opportunities to pursue a double-degree or a second major in any of our four other courses, this should broaden your scope of knowledge and competence. And an edge in your marketability and value upon graduation. A SMU Bachelor of Science (Information Systems Management) degree with a difference!

At SMU, we are dedicated to developing competent professionals, visionary leaders and global entrepreneurs with a strong sense of social and ethical responsibilities. So welcome to a truly exciting and unique learning experience bar none. You can make a difference!

Within the next few days, you shall be receiving a formal letter from your President, Prof Ron Frank and your Dean, Prof Steven Miller.

See you on campus!

XXXX XXX
Director
Office of Undergraduate Admissions
Singapore Management University"


Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:36 pm

Dear Blogger,

I hate to admit this but I'm still female after all. Isn't football a BEAUTIFUL game??? Bring on the men and those balls!!!

Ronaldo is only 19?! No wonder he looks so yummy! And do I love CKs or what??? Only guys like Ljundberg can wear briefs and still look so... grrrr... Men with shaved heads never looked so good!



Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, June 05, 2004 @ 9:47 pm

Dear Blogger,

I have a boyfriend but like no boyfriend. I have friends but like no friends. I have a family but like no family. SO EVERYONE JUST FUCK OFF RIGHT!!! I don't fucking care anymore! Why should I give a fuck about anyone else when no one gives a fuck about me?! I am fucking INVISIBLE!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, June 04, 2004 @ 12:42 pm

Dear Blogger,

These are some pointers about modern aphrodisiacs which I've found in a book.

Lingerie - To be seen and appreciated. Red is what men buy for women, white is for little girls and people with nurse fantasies, black is best. Always buy silk, never polyester or nylon - you want the atmosphere to be charged, but not with static electricity.

Boxers - They pack their own punch. Bikini briefs are great, if you're gay or italian. (Am I right or am I right?)

Cosmetics - Red lips personify glamour, sophistication and passion. Men don't like women to wear too much make-up.

Shoes - Most men are suckers for a stiletto heel. Not without reason that Germaine Greer call them "fuck me heels".

Setting the right scene - The old cliches are true; flowers, firelight, candlelight, soft music and a bottle of chilled wine go a long way towards encouraging passion. (Flowers Din! FLOWERS! He has never given me flowers.)

Kissing - It is the single most deliciously erotic act. The feeling that there's an invisible cord pulling you both together, the warmth of someone's breath against your cheek, the softness of their lips, the melting uncertainty of wondering when, if, how, they are going to lean across and kiss you. (Like Cher said, if you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss.)

Chocolate - It has been scientifically shown to raise levels of seratonin, which controls our moods and to increase feelings of general well-being.

Accent - One man's accent is another woman's passport to pleasure. (Who can resist a man with French accent or even an English accent? Haven't you heard Colin Firth speak???)

Power - It is a major turn-on and some women find a man in uniform irresistable. (Ahhhhh... Especially MIBs - Men In Blues)

Escape - Hotels were invented for two things: sex and room service.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, June 03, 2004 @ 1:44 pm

Dear Blogger,

My colleagues are a bunch of idiots! We're in a meeting where the IT-savvy and the IT-sotongs are trying to make sense of one another. A 5-minute meeting dragged into a 1-hour meeting. I wish the floor would just open and swallow me up!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:22 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm not sure what Vesak Day is about I'm sure it's about remembering something. For us non-Buddhists, it's just another worth-waiting for public holiday. Some people I know are not even in Singapore now. They're having an extra long holiday. Sigh... how I envy them.

It wasn't too bad for me. I got to spend "quality time" with Din. I haven't seen him for so long I've almost forgotten how he looks like! It was OK for awhile. We laugh, we joked, we fucked, we slept... yeah it was OK.

Then, my curiosity got the better of me. While he was sound asleep (he was snoring), I played with his new handphone. I sort of stumbled across his messages. This is the part that's confusing.

I don't know why it upset me so much but apparently, he HAS been a busy boy. His sent folder was full of messages which you wouldn't send to JUST any friend.

Why did I say it was confusing? Well, he's doing things which I have been doing for years! So why the hell did I get upset over it? I have done even worse things than he has so I don't know.

I woke him up and we talked. He talked actually. He kept saying that he didn't say anything when I went out with my guy friends. All he did was sent naughty smses to his girl friends.

Perhaps I was too tired to argue or perhaps I knew I wasn't innocent either, but I just let him rant on and on. He's a present day person while I am a future person. He simply refused to think about the future and prefer to live in the present. I can't do that.

I need to know what the hell am I getting out of all this. I want him to set goals. I want him to tell me that things will be rough but we'll work it out. I want him to tell me stuff like that instead of telling me things which I already know.

Despite all that, I couldn't bring myself to walk out that door. He couldn't either. Then the air just cleared itself as if none of that has ever happened. It seemed surreal.

Our relationship is not unique but I'm having a difficult time trying to understand this man. If he'd be more open, I'd be more acceptable to his closer than close alliances with other girls. I'm still the one with the vagina you know, so naturally I'd be jealous. You can't blame me for that.

Look at it this way. If he'd asked me about my guy friends, I'd tell him. Whatever details he wants, I'd tell him. But since, he had never bothered to ask, so was it my fault that he thinks that I'm being too friendly with these guys???

So both of us are not perfect. To think back, I'm kind of proud of ourselves. We didn't yell or scream at each others' ears. We sat and talked (he talked) like 2 civilised human beings. We didn't apologise but we sort of made out. I totally practised self-restraint. That's an achievement in itself.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, June 01, 2004 @ 3:16 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm fucking bored today. How many times have I said that? I'm really, really bored today. Where IS everyone??? Din's working tonight. C is sick. Poor C. Must be all that wedding jitters. Hmm... who else? All the other guys are awful company. Their definition of fun is so narrowed.

What about the girls? They have their own plans, with their own guys. Why do I still put up with this bunch??? Oh I don't know and I'm not going to kill any more grey cells by thinking of all the possible reasons.

Damn I miss my car!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 11:37 am

Dear Blogger,

Do people actually make out on the first date??? 43% voted that they would make out on the first date. Then again, come to think of it, that 43% can just be 1 person. There's a flaw in the poll but it's not politics so vote as many times you want!

Back to the issue here. Make out? First date? Isn't that too fast? I know Singaporeans like things fast and furious but to make out on the first date??? What happened to "sit down and get to know each other" stuff? Does this apply to blind dates too? Oh man! I can't imagine making out with anyone on a blind date! EeewwwwWWWwww!!!

Let's face it! What are the chances that you're going to meet an Orlando Bloom-lookalike on a blind date??? I'm not saying that guys on blind dates are repulsive. Most I know are presentable. Just that most fall short of my expectations.

No matter how much I tell myself no expectations when going on blind dates, you just can't help but to expect something right? Obviously, you expect him NOT to be a slob right? Or even a megalomaniac.

Anyway, after serious consideration, I decided to abolish (???) the idea of celibacy, much to the jubilation of the guys out there. Din was clearly ecstatic. He took that as an invitation to have a little "quality time" with me last night. I just said whatever and he ended up sleeping at work.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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