posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, May 31, 2004 @ 9:13 am

Dear Blogger,

I had one of those warp dreams. It's weird! One minute I was playing rugby and helping this amateur team win a league or something. The other minute, I was with Guy C and Din! And they're both friends!

It was probably the effect of watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I really liked that movie, as much as I liked "Lost in Translation". Unfortunately, I didn't quite favour the date I was with. He's an old friend, although we haven't kept in touch for 6 years. Now I remember why.

I thought I remembered him as someone interesting and intelligent to talk to. I just forgot that he's one of those people who talk intelligently but never get to the point directly.

I was woken up by thunder last night. I thought it was going to rain but it didn't. I was waiting for it to rain but it never happened. I dozed off and dreamt something surreal. Can't remember what it was though.

I made a bet with myself and I told Guy C this, that I was going to stay celibate for 60 DAYS!!! *gasp* Can I do it? Of course I can! I just have to put my mind to it that's all. I haven't thought of the prize though. Self-satisfaction???


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Saturday, May 29, 2004 @ 9:57 pm

Dear Blogger,

The Beyond Babies seminar by AWARE at Nanyang Girls' High School was... a BORE! There's nothing new about the issues being discussed.

Most of the participants have accents. As usual, I feel left out. I feel like a misfit everywhere these days.

Anyway, babies are babies. They're not investments and they should not even be considered as investments. For god's sake man! You don't put a price on someone's head!

I don't really know what's the focus of the focus group. It goes as far as having a unique society to making employers change its work practices.

I was trying to be open-minded to their debates but I thought it was just a waste of time. We should not be told when and how to have babies. That's it!

Four to five hours of debates and that was what they were blabbering about. Geez! Women! We have to make a mountain out of molehill.

One point that nobody raised is the values of marriage. All this talk about babies and government policies and quality of life but nobody mentioned anything about marriage.

There was this lady from Berita Harian covering this event. She raised a point on the confidence level of young couples but the group didn't cover it.

I was looking for friends to chill tonight but none was available. I'm really sick of asking people and getting rejected. It's the fastest way to make me depressed.

What does being a friend mean these days? You're a friend only when you want something? Aren't you using people on the pretense of friendship? It seems so these days. Nobody's honest and loyal these days. We are just a bunch of lying, conniving motherfuckers.


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Friday, May 28, 2004 @ 1:40 pm

Dear Blogger,

Depression Checklist

It's normal to feel some of the following symptoms from time to time, but experiencing several or more for more than two or three weeks may indicate the presence of depression or another depressive illness. Remember, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain that can only be diagnosed by a medical professional. This checklist is provided as a tool to help you talk with your doctor about your concerns and develop an action plan for treatment.

Please note: Other illnesses and certain medications can cause symptoms that mimic the symptoms of depression. A complete medical examination should be performed to rule out the presence of other medical conditions.

I feel sad.
I feel like crying a lot.
I’m bored.
I feel alone.
I don't really feel sad, just "empty".
I don't have confidence in myself.
I don't like myself.
I often feel scared, but I don't know why.
I feel mad, like I could just explode!
I feel guilty
I can't concentrate.
I have a hard time remembering things.
I don't want to make decisions - its too much work.
I feel like I'm in a fog.
I’m so tired, no matter how much I sleep.
I’m frustrated with everything and everybody.
I don’t have fun anymore.
I feel helpless.
I’m always getting into trouble.
I’m restless and jittery. I can’t sit still
I feel nervous.
I feel disorganized, like my head is spinning.
I feel self-conscious.
I can’t think straight. My brain doesn’t seem to work.
I feel ugly.
I don’t feel like talking anymore – I just don’t have anything to say.
I feel my life has no direction.
I feel life isn’t worth living.
I consume alcohol/take drugs regularly.
My whole body feels slowed down – my speech, my walk, and my movements.
I don’t want to go out with friends anymore.
I don’t feel like taking care of my appearance.
Occasionally, my heart pounds, I can’t catch my breath, and I feel tingly. My vision feels strange and I feel I might pass out. The feeling passes in seconds, but I’m afraid it will happen again.
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it.
I feel "different" from everyone else.
I smile, but inside I'm miserable.
I have difficulty falling asleep or I awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then I can't get back to sleep.
My appetite has diminished - food tastes so bland.
My appetite has increased - I feel I could eat all the time.
My weight has increased/decreased.
I have headaches.
I have stomachaches.
My arms and legs hurt.
I feel nauseous.
I'm dizzy.
Sometimes my vision seems blurred or slow
I'm clumsy.
My neck hurts.


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@ 1:38 pm

Dear Blogger,

Symptoms and Danger Signs

Warning Signs of Suicide

Talking about suicide.
Statements about hopelessness, helplessness, or worthlessness.
Preoccupation with death.
Suddenly happier, calmer.
Loss of interest in things one cares about.
Visiting or calling people one cares about.
Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
Giving things away.
A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or psychiatrist.

Symptoms of Major Depression

Not all people with depression will show all symptoms or have them to the same degree. If a person has four or more symptoms, for more than two weeks, consult a medical doctor or psychiatrist. While the symptoms specified for all groups below generally characterize major depression, there are other disorders with similar characteristics including: unipolar depression, bipolar illness, anxiety disorder, or attention deficit disorder with or without hyperactivity. Remember that only a medical doctor can diagnose depression.

In Adults

Persistent sad or "empty" mood.
Feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless, pessimistic and/or guilty.
Substance abuse.
Fatigue or loss of interest in ordinary activities, including sex.
Disturbances in eating and sleeping patterns.
Irritability, increased crying, anxiety or panic attacks.
Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions.
Thoughts of suicide; suicide plans or attempts.
Persistent physical symptoms or pains that do not respond to treatment.

In Infants

It’s important to understand what constitutes normal development in infants, children and adolescents vs. what may be signs of a depressive illness. You may not see a drastic change in a child/adolescent's behavior or mood if they were born with a depressive illness. It may be part of their make-up having been present from day one.

Unresponsive when talked to or touched, never smile or cry, or may cry often being difficult to soothe.
Failure to gain weight (not due to other medical illness).
Unmotivated in play.
Restless, oversensitive to noise or touch.
Problems with eating or sleeping.
Digestive disorders (constipation/diarrhea).

In Children

In children, depressive illnesses/anxiety may be disguised as, or presented as, school phobia or school avoidance, social phobia or social avoidance, excessive separation anxiety, running away, obsessions, compulsions, or everyday rituals, such as having to go to bed at the exact time each night for fear something bad may happen. Chronic illnesses may be present also since depression weakens the immune system.

Persistent unhappiness, negativity, complaining, chronic boredom, no initiative.
Uncontrollable anger with aggressive or destructive behavior, possibly hitting themselves or others, kicking, or self-biting, head banging. Harming animals.
Continual disobedience.
Easily frustrated, frequent crying, low self-esteem, overly sensitive.
Inability to pay attention, remember, or make decisions, easily distracted, mind goes blank.
Energy fluctuations from lethargic to frenzied activity, with periods of normalcy.
Eating or sleeping problems.
Bedwetting, constipation, diarrhea. Impulsiveness, accident-prone.
Chronic worry & fear, clingy, panic attacks.
Extreme self-consciousness.
Slowed speech & body movements.
Disorganized speech - hard to follow when telling you a story, etc.
Physical symptoms such as dizziness, headaches, stomachaches, arms or legs ache, nail-biting, pulling out hair or eyelashes. (ruling out other medical causes)
Suicidal talk or attempts.

In Adolescents

Depressive illnesses/anxiety may be disguised as, or presented as, eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia, drug/alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, risk-taking behavior such as reckless driving, unprotected sex, carelessness when walking across busy streets, or on bridges or cliffs. There may be social isolation, running away, constant disobedience, getting into trouble with the law, physical or sexual assaults against others, obnoxious behavior, failure to care about appearance/hygiene, no sense of self or of values/morals, difficulty cultivating relationships, inability to establish/stick with occupational/educational goals.

Physical symptoms such as dizziness, headaches, stomachaches, neck aches, arms or legs hurt due to muscle tension, digestive disorders. (ruling out other medical causes)
Persistent unhappiness, negativity, irritability.
Uncontrollable anger or outbursts of rage.
Overly self-critical, unwarranted guilt, low self-esteem. Inability to concentrate, think straight, remember, or make decisions, possibly resulting in refusal to study in school or an inability (due to depression or attention deficit disorder) to do schoolwork.
Slowed or hesitant speech or body movements, or restlessness (anxiety).
Loss of interest in once pleasurable activities.
Low energy, chronic fatigue, sluggishness.
Change in appetite, noticeable weight loss or weight gain, or abnormal eating patterns.
Chronic worry, excessive fear.
Preoccupation with death themes in literature, music, drawings, speaking of death repeatedly, fascination with guns/knives.
Suicidal thoughts, plans, or attempts.

In the Elderly

Many people feel that it is normal for elderly persons to be depressed. This is a dangerous misconception. If you suspect an older adult is suffering from a depressive illness, a thorough medical examination should be given as soon as possible.

Unusual complaints of aches and pains (back, stomach, arms, legs, head, chest), fatigue, slowed movements and speech, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, weight increase or decrease, blurred vision, dizziness, heart racing, anxiety.
Inability to concentrate, remember or think straight (sometimes mistaken for dementia). An overall sadness or apathy, withdrawal; inability to find pleasure in anything.
Irritability, mood swings or constant complaining; nothing seems to make the person happy.
Talk of worthlessness, not being needed anymore, excessive and unwarranted guilt.
Frequent doctor visits without relief in symptoms; all tests come out negative.
Alcoholism, which can mask an underlying depression.

Symptoms of Mania:

Decreased need for sleep.
Restless, agitated, can't sit still. Increased energy, or an inability to slow down.
Racing, disorganized thoughts, easily distracted.
Rapid, increased talking or laughing
Grandiose ideas, increased creativity.
Overly excited, euphoric, giddy, exhilarated.
Excessive irritability, on edge.
Increased sex drive, possibly resulting in affairs, inappropriate sexual behaviors.
Poor judgment, impulsiveness, spending sprees
Embarrassing social behavior
Paranoia, delusions, hallucinations


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@ 8:41 am

Dear Blogger,

Good news on a freaking Friday morning. My car will be ready NEXT WEEK!!! Yey!!! Gosh I miss it so much!


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Thursday, May 27, 2004 @ 10:06 am

Dear Blogger,

I need a smoke. It's either that or I need a strong sleeping pill to knock me out good. I'm not feeling very well and my heart hurts. I'm crying again.

If You Don't Know Me By Now - Simply Red

If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me

All the things that we've been through
You should understand me like I understand you
Now girl I know the difference between right and wrong
I ain't gonna do nothing to break up our happy home
Oh don't get so excited when I come home a little late at night
Cos we only act like children when we argue fuss and fight

If you don't know me by now (If you don't know me)
You will never never never know me (No you won't)
If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me

We've all got our own funny moods
I've got mine, woman you've got yours too
Just trust in me like I trust in you
As long as we've been together it should be so easy to do
Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye
What good is a love affair when you can't see eye to eye, oh

If you don't know me by now (If you don't know me)
You will never never never know me (No you won't)
If you don't know me by now (You will never never never know me)
You will never never never know me (ooh)


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@ 9:41 am

Dear Blogger,

How do you stay break up? It's a hard question to answer isn't it? You can always say that you're breaking up with someone, but how do you stay break up? My problem is that, I'm always running back to him. When the circumstances are not in my favour, I break down and I run back to him. There isn't anyone else for me to run to is there? I'm afraid to be lonely. That's just it.


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@ 8:47 am

Dear Blogger,

There was this ad in the papers today about the DBS Woman's Card. What interest me was the message that it was trying to give us women.

"For driving to your girlfriend's at 3am in pyjamas, because she needed to talk. For allowing your heart to break, but not your spirit. For resisting the urge to torment men with the question, 'Do I look fat?'. For being able to walk into a restaurant and order a table for one. For accepting you'll be the one looking after your parents. For being the woman, without needing to be like a man. For women who've earned it."

I don't know what "needing to be like a man" means but I find that disturbing. I'm not sure why. Is DBS trying to say that us women do not need men? Or is it trying to tell us that we don't have to become like a man to succeed?

Why would any woman try to be a man to succeed??? If men are so perfect, we wouldn't be complaining so much about them. And we don't need men anymore? I think we do. Well, at least I do.

Not so much as to support me financially. Men I know couldn't do that. They think of themselves too much. I need men to give me the love and emotional support that women can't give to another women.

I've said this time and time again. I want to be a mother, a wife and a woman. The government should reward me for saying that out loud. To be a mother and a wife, I need a man. OK, I can be a mother without a man by my side. There's always IVF.

I still respect marriage as a whole. It doesn't look promising as I grow older but I still respect it. I guess years of being brainwashed about the goodness of marriage has influenced me. But it's secondary. I want to be a mother most. I'm not sure why but I know I'll be good at it.


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Wednesday, May 26, 2004 @ 2:02 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was looking for a quick fix on hickeys and I found these...

How to Give a Hickey
Hickey Facts and Information

Everybody always talks about hickeys in junior high and high school, but how do these mysterious red welts on peoples necks appear?

What Is a Hickey?
A hickey is actually broken blood vessels beneath the skin. It's sort of like a bruise, if you got hit with a baseball and the impact broke the blood vessels. But instead of being caused by a foul ball, it's caused by the other person's mouth.

How Do You Give a Hickey?
What you do is put your mouth against the side of their neck, in a kissing shape. You leave your mouth slightly open in the middle, like you're saying the letter "O". Now you suck in! You suck the skin into your mouth, in essence hurting it, and causing the blood vessels to break. This turns that circular area bright red. It doesn't take long, maybe 30 seconds.

If you really aren't good at suction, you can nibble with your teeth. But that is really a last resort, because now you're not giving them a hickey. Now you're just gnawing their skin to make it red.

Yes, giving a hickey hurts the person you're doing it to. You're breaking their blood vessels! But to some, a hickey is a temporary mark of love. Sort of like a red tattoo that fades naturally after a few days. It says "This girl (or guy) trusted me enough to let me damage their throat, one of the most sensitive parts of the human body".

Who Gives a hickey, the Boy or the Girl?
That's like asking who kisses who! Hickeys aren't a male or female thing. They're an "I was Here!" thing, sort of like a mark of pride. So either the girl or the guy can give it to each other. It's sort of a primitive way of saying "This boy is mine!" or "This girl belongs to me!"

Where does the Hickey Go?
Hickeys are marks of possession, so most people put them on the neck where they're nice and visible. Also, a hickey is caused by lips breaking blood vessels and that's easy to do on the sensitive neck. It's less easy to do, say, on the sole of someone's foot. Plus, nobody would see it there. Sure, you could put a hickey on someone's upper inner thigh, but unless they were wearing a swimsuit, nobody would see it. You might as well draw a smily face with magic marker :)

How Long does a Hickey Last?
A hickey is a bruise. Just like any other bruise you get on your body, it will fade when your body heals. There's no set rate. Some people heal quickly, some people heal slowly. It all depends on your own body. You must have been bruised before in your life! So you know how long bruises tend to last ...

How do I Hide my Hickey?
A hickey is put there to show up! It's a mark of I-Was-Here. Why else did you get a hickey on your neck? But let's assume that some wild hickey attacker got to you and now you have to hide the evidence. Again, it's a bruise. It won't just vanish with warm water or cold water or lukewarm water. You can get make-up concealer and try that, to cover it while it fades away naturally. Wear turtlenecks or scarves. If you tend to be a really slow healer, take vitamins and eat healthy food so your body has half a chance of healing up well. Stand in dark corners :)

It will NOT work to put water, ice, eye drops, or aspirin on your hickey. This is a bruise. Blood vessels are broken, they need to mend.

What if I Don't Want a Hickey on Me / Don't Want to Give a Hickey?
In fact I know MANY people who hate hickeys and would never want to give or receive one. To them, it is deliberately causing a partner pain and anguish, and physically harming them. Why would you ever want to do that to someone you cared about? It's just as bad as hitting them with your open palm and then admiring the welt you left. If you personally do NOT want to give or receive a hickey, that is your right. Never let anybody pressure you into doing something you feel uncomfortable with. A true partner would always value your feelings, and would not try to push you into something you didn't want to do.

Sigh... What am I going to do with all these stuff on my neck??? Really hideous man!


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@ 8:54 am

Dear Blogger,

It was just an infatuation. Thank GOD for that! It would be quite messy if it wasn't. It's amazing what you can learn by spending a night with someone. I'm not saying that it was a horrible experience. I'm just saying that a few hours spent with someone on some days don't necessarily mean that you're destined to be together. It's those few hours of intimacy that makes or breaks a budding relationship.

It was fun being with him but then again, every other guy is fun to be with. He's not Din afterall. I know it's not fair to compare all guys with Din but I can't help but feel his absence when I'm with them.

Din has a way of kissing me that makes me weak in the knees. Din indulges my playful act by trying to pin me down and making me behave in bed. He doesn't care if it takes all night long for him to do that. Din makes my ears tingle just by breathing into them. Din's body fits into mine like a perfect match. None of the guys I've met have managed to do all that.

Still, he has flaws. He doesn't look me lovingly in the eye anymore. I loved looking at him when he looks at me like that. It is said that the eyes are the window to your soul and when he looked at me like that, it seemed like his soul was trying to be with mine. We don't talk like we used to. He lets me do all the talking now. He wakes up grumbling for no reason now and it makes me sad because I don't know if I didn't satisfy him or what.

I wish he doesn't have to work so hard. I wish to be the apple of his eye again. I wish I don't have to think so much of him.

AWARE is organising a seminar-cum focus group this Saturday. It's a subject close to my heart: BABIES. It's free and I'll be there, as a volunteer. See the poster here.


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Tuesday, May 25, 2004 @ 5:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

I called Cycle & Carriage again. I've got no choice but to wait for a MONTH for my baby to be fixed. A MONTH! 30 FUCKING DAYS!!!

It's the stupid front door. It has to be replaced but they didn't have any stock. So they had to air-freight it from Korea. That's the best they can do. See! I'm a reasonable person. Who said I'm not reasonable! If they said it's the best they can do, then fine! I can accept that.

Better than asking me to wait 2 months for it right? 2 months?! I'll burn the workshop before I'll wait 2 months.

Din finally messaged me. OK I admit. I told him to fuck off first. He replied that he was busy looking for lost police equipment and that he was thinking of me all the time. Yeah right. I wonder who's the idiot here...


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@ 1:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

I just called Cycle & Carriage about my baby. I just want to burst into tears!!! UUUWWWWAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

It's still not bloody ready! And worse! They can't do anything until the stock comes in and that's in 4 to 5 fucking weeks! What the fuck?! I don't bloody care if they have to rip off the parts from a brand new car! I don't want to fucking wait 4 to 5 weeks! Damn!

I'll call them again this afternoon because I think I made the guy on the other line peed in his pants.


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@ 8:52 am

Dear Blogger,

My mum called me in the morning while I was on my way to work. She never called me before. I knew it was going to be bad news. Why does it have to be early in the morning?

She wanted money. I don't have any! Yeah true today is pay day but most of it will be gone when I pay all the outstanding bills today.

I have been in the red for so many months now but who knows about it??? I'm the girl with the endless supply of gold bars stashed somewhere. Ridiculous!

Great!!! Now I feel so useless! I hate being a nice person all the time! Why do I have to have such strong conscience? It's MAD!

I haven't heard from Din since Saturday but I don't care. I don't bloody care at all! He deserves it anyway. Why do I always have to be the one to ring him up?

It may sound petty but it's not. It's one thing to crave attention from your boyfriend. It's another to be totally neglected by your boyfriend. We don't have much of a future do we?


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Monday, May 24, 2004 @ 11:24 am

Dear Blogger,

This song keeps playing in my head. Driving me nuts!

Liz Phair - Extraordinary

You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho


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@ 9:04 am

Dear Blogger,

I think women make up most of the voters last week. Men prefer not wearing anything??? Are you sure? Don't they realise that they look really ugly naked? Ishk! Different people have different preferences I guess. I still stick to boxers. Briefs are a no-no!


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@ 8:59 am

Dear Blogger,

I wonder what the people standing in front of me in the train are thinking. Are they thinking about work? Their family? Money? Love? Are they as confused as I am? Why aren't they smiling?

I think Singaporeans in nature are not a friendly lot. There aren't enough smiles going around! They should actually. It can be tiring I know but... Oh I don't know. I'm just saying this because the poster above my desk says so.


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Sunday, May 23, 2004 @ 11:58 pm

Dear Blogger,

It has been a very confusing weekend. I didn't plan to be such. I kept thinking what am I doing with my life. I try to rebuild it but it crumbles back into a million more pieces.

It's cruel when you can't have something that you want. It's even more cruel when you only realise that you want it when you can't have it.

I think I'm in love. I hope not! I hope that it's just an infatuation. I haven't felt so wanting like this ever since I broke up with Din on New Year's eve!

But he's getting married. I despise him for deceiving me. Yet, I adore him. There's not many guys out there who can hold an interesting conversation with me for hours.

The only other person who can drive me this crazy is Din. Oh just wake up girl! He's getting married in 11 days and that should be the end of it!

I am so very tired of all this bullshit. I think everyone else is tired of listening to my bullshit. "Move on!" they say. I tried to didn't I but I was deceived. How am I to bounce back from that???

I want to be a child again. Everything seemed so simpler then. I am an adult but I don't feel like an adult. I have been in this transition phase for 4 years already!

I am so fucking drifting!


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Friday, May 21, 2004 @ 9:03 am

Dear Blogger,

Life's kind of dull without my baby. I know I've been going on and on about it for days now but you can't help but comment about the stark difference between with and without a car. When usually it would take me just 30 minutes to get home from work, now it takes more than double the time to do so! When you're in a car, you just complain about the number of cars on the road. When you're OUT there, gosh! You have to ask yourself, where do all these people come from???

I know it's dumb. It's not like I've been doing anything smart these days anyway right? Sometimes I think it's good to just leave the intellect at home. It can be quite a burden to be smart all the time. All that responsibility and guilt is driving me off the wall!

I met this guy for lunch yesterday. He's a few years younger than me. I think he's awfully smitten by me. I feel like Mrs Robinson all of a sudden. I think he appeals to the maternal side of me. We're just a few years apart by age, but mentally, I think I'm like a decade older than him.

Maybe that's why I prefer older men. Not OLDER men but 30 year old max. Even then, not all of them can communicate in the same frequency. There's this one guy who I thought was delightful to be with, but he's getting married next month. I guess fate can be cruel sometimes.


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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 @ 10:49 am

Dear Blogger,

It felt so weird taking the public transport this morning. I really, really miss my baby. I wonder how she's doing in the workshop...


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Tuesday, May 18, 2004 @ 6:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

Last night was good and bad. Good because... oh man! Where do I begin??? It was all so exciting and so dangerous. And bad because my baby hit a metal divider this morning when I was on my way home. Her right side was quite bad, really hideous. Damn heartache!

I haven't told Din about it though. He'd most probably want details and I don't think it's wise to give him details. Besides, he's working, which I must add, he wasn't supposed to. It's his fucking off day! Why is he working today?!

Oh well. Somethings are meant to happen. This accident was inevitable. At least this time round, no other car was involved. I managed to claim from insurance. I only had to pay $500 for the damages. It's still a lot of money though. It's back to the public transport for me for a week or two. Sigh...


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Saturday, May 15, 2004 @ 11:59 am

Dear Blogger,

We managed to watch Troy last night but not before he managed to make me moody and very bad-tempered. He has to find some ways to upset me, doesn't he??? It was supposed to be a special night and I wanted it to be a special night. He just had to spoil it.

Firstly, he told me in the afternoon that he was called back to work for a bomb-sniffing course. What the hell was that??? Isn't bomb-sniffing supposedly for the dogs??? What did the government expect these guys to do? Enhance their ability to smell? The only thing they can smell is sex. They can't even smell the stench of their own bodies.

OK, so he did apologise but he did say he could watch the movie with me. It was just later that's all. It didn't really appease me though. After 3 years of heaven and hell with him, I know that once he goes to work, he'd be too tired to do anything else, despite whatever he says.

And I was right! He confirmed with me at 6pm what time the show would be. He suggested a 9pm and asked me to book the tickets. It's just his way of saying that I pay for the tickets first. Gee... what a gracious date he was. Fine!

I managed to book tickets for 9:55pm at GV Marina and the corner seats he preferred so very much. I reminded him of the movie from 7:30pm onwards. We exchanged sms furiously until 8:30pm when he became silent. I thought he was getting ready or something. Fine!

I went to the library for awhile and had a quick dinner. I waited for him at 9pm as he said he would be ready by then. I waited. And I waited. And I waited....

9:05pm... 9:10pm... 9:20pm... No sign of him. Anyone who knows me would know that my patience and my temper were slowly rising to explosive point. By 9:30pm, expletives took over. I called his mobile. No answer. I called his home, his mom said he's not it. I knew she was lying. She doesn't like me anyway. I called his home again and again and he finally picked up.

Guess what? He fell asleep! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?!!! He was ASLEEP!!! I got so mad that I kept horning and horning. I didn't care what time it was and I didn't care if anyone called the police. It was Friday night and nobody should be sleeping that early on a Friday night.

He got into the car 10 minutes later and any decent guy would apologise and practically beg for forgiveness. But no! Not him! He asked me if I was crazy making all that ruckus. I refused to talk to him because I was trying very, very hard to control my temper. I knew that once I opened my mouth, all the *beeps* and the *toots* would come out. And they won't come out soft. Oh no they won't. They would come out fast, loud and furious.

I refused to let him drive either. I was in the fast and furious mood and it felt so good to channel all that anger on the road. I managed to get us to Marina Leisureplex in less than 10 minutes. I think he was silently impressed with me.

I managed to cool off once we got to our seats. Things still weren't OK but there was a truce. For over 3 hours, it seemed like what happened before that didn't happen.

As for the movie, Troy was OK. It was grand but I felt a little disappointed with it. It had the grandeur of Gladiator but it didn't have its spirit. I thought there was too much Brad Pitt. I didn't despise him as much as I despised Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai. Brad was watchable especially in the 2nd half of the movie.

Orlando Bloom... oh my... was very, very disappointing. I expected him to be some sort of a hero but he came across as a silly schoolboy with a more than idealistic idea of love. Everytime the romance scenes between him and Helen came on, I cringed. I just couldn't accept that any guy would do all that for a girl.

So as you might have expected by now, I didn't like Helen at all. She didn't appeal to me. I thought she was very selfish. A lot of people died for her man!

Eric Bana... oh my my my... he's my new hero now. He didn't have the gungho leadership qualities that fellow Aussie Russell Crowe projected in Gladiator but he did OK. It was his thinking man appeal that attracted me to him. Let's face it. You don't come across a thinking man often these days.

He wasn't as good looking as Orlando Bloom or Brad Pitt but in my eyes, he was THE man in the movie. I looked at Din and I wondered, why can't he be like that??? Anyway, Eric will no longer be remembered as that guy in Black Hawk Down or The Hulk. He will be remembered as Hector, Prince of Troy.

There was lots of Brad Pitt in the buff but I don't understand why that was big news. There was a scene of Orlando in the buff too and it didn't salivate me for awhile. I think Hollywood is a hypocrite. Full frontal naked women are accepted in movies but not naked men. Oh well, it just proves a point that naked women are far more pleasant to the eye that naked men. I don't think I'd want to see Brad's little bro either.

Anyway, the movie or the story for that matter was told as such that there were no winners. Only losers. This was a war after all. There are never winners in wars. In the 1st half, I supported Troy not because she had to protect Helen but more so that she had to defend herself from the power-hungry of what's his name king.

At first I thought that Archilles was just another fame and glory idiot but then you began to realise that he was just a victim who had been cleverly seduced about the idea of immortal glory by everyone he knew.

Hector was a dream. He fought well. He thought well. I just wished that there was a love scene between him and his wife. The scene where he fought Archilles one on one was heart-wrenching, because he died and even in death, he was humiliated.

After 3 hours, the movie was basically trying to tell you that women can and will complicate matters. First, we had Helen who single-handedly brought war and destruction to a prosperous country like Troy. On the other hand, we had Perseus (spelling???) who single-handedly "changed" Archilles from a glory-mad warrior to a soft-hearted puss.

Then, there was the message about war of course. But so much has been said about wars and its references to the childish war between America and Iraq.

Would I watch this movie again? Yes, but only if there's nothing else to watch. You can only see too much of Brad's much-publicised torso.

So back to Din. He really irritated me. He still doesn't understand that once you get me upset, DON'T upset me any further. He thinks that I WANT to be angry all time. HELLO!!! Being angry all the time is exhaustive you know!

I sent him home. I didn't kiss him goodnight. I watched him go. I saw him turning back to look at me. Somehow, all that anger turned to guilt and regret. AARRGGGHHH!!!! He always does this me! He always manages to make whatever things that was his fault in the first place to guilt.

Somehow he knew that I would apologise to him later. What is this hold he has over me??? So to make myself feel better, I met Guy C and before your mind wander off, we didn't do anything but had supper. I just needed to release all that negative energy and I wanted to do it on the roads but I didn't want to do it alone. Better to have company to warn me of any possible accidents.

Now I miss Din and my mobile had stayed silent all morning. My brain told me not to contact him for the time being but my heart is saying otherwise. For once, I wish these 2 parts of my body would speak the same language!


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Friday, May 14, 2004 @ 11:15 am

Dear Blogger,

It's Troy night. He promised that we'd go watch it tonight. He had better not disappoint me. I spent a few more minutes getting myself done so he had better NOT disappoint me. I had actually forgotten what it felt like to wear something girly. I even wore makeup today! I think I looked sweet.

Isn't Orlando Bloom a dream? I think he looked so much better with his natural dark curls rather than that blond wig he sported in LOTR. The trailer didn't show much of him though. Too much of Brad Pitt I think. Whatever it is, I'm watching Troy for Orlando Bloom and Eric Bana. Brad Pitt is so late 90s. No offence to Jen A.


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@ 2:14 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm glad that I have you to pour out whatever vile that's plaguing me day in day out. I can't sleep tonight. I've been tossing and turning but I'm still wide awake. There's too much turmoil in me.

A particular guy in my life is getting married. I would have been happy for him if only he didn't lie to me from the time we've met, which was not long. Why court me if he's already promised to someone else? It was all a cruel joke isn't it?

This is why I have never left Din. The world without him is too full of bad people. Just when I thought I should give others a chance, I get raped emotionally and left to live with my scars for life.

I was right to be a cold-hearted bitch. I shouldn't have let my defences down. No more chances given. Nobody deserves it.


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Thursday, May 13, 2004 @ 5:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

They all sound like me, don't they? Does it mean that I've to live with 4 different types of men at one time???


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@ 5:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

I thought this is interesting. The romantic aspects of the 4 temperament types.

The Sensor

The sensor's mate needs to provide limits on accomodating her partner's more sensitive style. A common dilemma involving the sensor happens when chemistry backfires. The very quality that fuels attraction, the promise of an expanded comfort zone, is unfortunately what leads to trouble. What initially seems promising can later become threatening. Opposites do attract but differences can throw your partner out of a state of emotional equilibrium into discomfort. For example, a reserved sensor man finds a woman who is brash, daring and adventurous. The sensor believes these qualities will rub off on him. But unless he feels secure in her love, her nature will, sooner or later, become a threat. He thinks, "She'll meet someone more adventurous and run off with him. She'll get bored with me."

If you're married to a disguised sensor, she may appear withdrawn or edgy at times but it's usually a mask for anxiety. Reassurances and acceptance will have immediate and positive effects. Safety is essential for the sensor to feel intimate and to feel relaxed and secure during lovemaking. When the sensor's needs for love and security are met, he is a terrific partner.

The Focuser

The focuser looks to an exciting partner to provide stimulus and distraction. You may find that focusers are moody or they make too many demands to provide stimulation. They may pull you into lengthy talks about your relationship or marriage - talks that don't lead to solutions or make you feel closer. It's important to set boundaries on how much introspection, how much dissecting, how much worrying you will listen to or join. You need to set limites on how much excitement you're willing to provide in the relationship and how much your focuser partner should be responsible for himself. Most importantly, don't take the focuser's moods personally.

If you're close to a focuser, keep in mind that distraction is the task that releases her from fixation and brooding. If your focuser appears to be bored or sad or sinking into pessimistic frame of mind, you may help to short-circuit that mood by distracting her with news about your friends or a home improvement project. Or you may suggest going for a walk or to a restaurant. Talking about the dark mood is not a solution.

The Discharger

The discharger needs a partner who is able to cope with her intensity, respond to her passion and perhaps comfort her when she feels ashamed after blowing up at someone. What the discharger needs from you is the capacity both to enjoy her aliveness and to accept the occassional irritability and outbursts. You need to inderstand that she's not out of control or impulsive or difficult. She has a biological imperative to discharge (express) the high emotional energy she typically feels.

Understanding and tolerating does not equate with being bullied or emotionally terrorised or abused. You have no obligation to be a constant target for anger. You can and should set limits on how much you're willing to be used as a target. It is the discharger's responsibility - not yours - to cope with the difficult aspects of his temperaments on his own. The disrcharge's corrective task is bening release - that is, brief discharge of his emotional energy, usually alone. You can remind you discharger of this solution; a daily regimen of activities done in an easy and casual manner.

The Seeker

Seekers can be quite attractive as dates. They're usually successful and driven doers. But they can prove to be less than ideal if you want a more committed partnership. Seekers are restless; they're sensation driven, not security driven. Male or female, they can be captivated with youuuu while they're pursuing you. they lose all interest once they're sure of you. Biochemically programmed to prefer infatuationn to mature love, to prefer the physical and sexual sensations to faithful devotion, the seeker can be a real challenge as a mate.

Because of their dynamic nature, male seekers are often the charismatic men that women desire and lust after. They're often a foolish choice for women who want a lasting relationship or marriage. The seeker can the Don Juan or the elusic lover.

There's a reason why the seeker male is so troublesome and disappointing to women. This noncommittal male has a craving for arousal that is quickly satisfied. Just when initial passion becomes comfortable security, he loses interest and moves on. He is not commitment-phobic. More preceisely, he deeply fears the unaroused emotional state that is inevitable for him.

Women who play hard to get with this type of man are actually intuitively savvy - like the fly fisherman wisping the lure right on the surface of the lake, they are tantalising the seeker's threshold of arousal. They rightly sense that they have to keep this kind of man hungry and in pursuit to hold his interest.


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@ 4:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I did some tests found in a book, "Mastering Your Moods" by Dr Melvyn Kinder. I scored the following:

91 - a definite SENSOR
93 - a definite DISCHARGER
106 - a definite FOCUSER
83 - a definite SEEKER

What are those? Well, it simple terms, they are...

The sensor is prone to be extra sensitive to outer stimulation - sometimes wonderfully sensitive, other times overly anxious and fearful.

The focuser is prone to excessive awareness of inner feelings or lack of them. The person can be delicately inwardly focused and aware but is also prone to worry and sadness.

The discharger vents her feelings. She can be spontaneous, expressive and passionate but is also prone to anger and is easily set off by frustrations.

The seeker craves sensation and is emotionally satisfied with its quest. He can also be inclined to unhappy cravings and unsettling restlessness and boredom.

Hmmm... since I scored very high in all of them, I'm really quite extreme aren't I?


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@ 9:01 am

Dear Blogger,

Everyday same stories in the news. OK maybe not the same, but similiar. War and more wars. Money and more money. And is it me or are there more wedding features these days? I think that's so cruel, don't you think so?


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Tuesday, May 11, 2004 @ 1:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

Another restless sleep night, another fucked up day and another shitty life to live with. Where the hell is my hero anyway??? Probably fell off his horse and died due to brain injury.

Ladies and gentlemen... the male brain for ya... and it belongs to most of the men in my life.


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Sunday, May 09, 2004 @ 4:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

There's so much anger in me that if I'm a pyro like that girl in Hellboy, this island would be up in flames by now. There's no avenue for me to release. It's bottled up in me like a high pressure container.

People still have the nerve to ask me why I'm so angry and moody all the time. Is it me? Or them? Fuck them all!


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Friday, May 07, 2004 @ 12:09 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm 24 and I feel like I'm wasting my years. I should be happily attached to someone by now but I'm not. Oh dear... I don't know why I'm so preoccupied with commitment and marriage these days. Perhaps I'm growing older. Perhaps my biological clock is ticking LOUDER this time.

Whatever the reason is, I don't think I'm getting any closer to getting what I want. I'm getting too old to start this dating game again. I don't want to go through all that courting again. It's very exhausting you know.

Left and right, people are either engaged or married. One by one, my choices are eliminated. This is Survivor which I don't like at all. Too much emotions involved.

I miss my baby. I caught myself looking at the ultrasound scan today. I miss it so much.


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Wednesday, May 05, 2004 @ 6:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

There was an article about self-mutilation yesterday's New Paper (or was it Monday's?). It's something close to heart because it's all too familiar.

She cuts herself to ease the pain: Teen ends up in hospital twice for mutilating herself
By Genevieve Jiang

COUNTLESS angry scars rake her arms and thighs. And they attest to the many hellish moments she has weathered alone. No, she's not a victim of child abuse, her tormentor is none other than herself.

Lynn, a 16-year-old has been battling the demon of depression since she was a child. In the last two years, she has ended up in hospital twice, for self-mutilation attempts gone wrong.

Institute of Mental Health psychiatrist Dr Ong Say How said that although there is no age limit for those who harm themselves, many are teenage girls. Like Lynn.


She went to hospital herself, when she realised she had cut too deep. The teenager, who doesn't want to be identified, said: 'I have been depressed for so long, I no longer remember what it's like to be happy.'

Her problems started when she was 10. She had witnessed many loud and violent arguments between her parents. 'They would shout a lot and throw things at each other. They had different views on religion and would often fight over that.'

Lynn's stormy relationship with her father, a businessman in his 50s, didn't help. 'He doesn't seem to approve of anything I do. Once, when he found out I had traded in my handphone for a new one, he barged into my room while I was sleeping and shouted at me for wasting money. 'Another time, he called me a prostitute for plucking my eyebrows.' Things started going downhill when she turned 10.


The girl who used to be a school prefect and was often among the top five in class, started to feel depressed and tired often. She would return home from school and burst into tears for no apparent reason. She slowly became increasingly withdrawn and quiet. And because she wasn't close to her parents and two brothers, her journal became her only release. Often, an entry would begin with 'I'm so tired'.

When she entered secondary school, things continued to go downhill. Lynn attends an all-girls school in southern Singapore. The stress of fitting into a new school environment became too much to take. 'I didn't have any friends. I felt stifled. As if the world was closing in on me.'


She said she began to hear voices, and the self-harm started. Lynn cut herself for the first time when she was 13. With a small pen-knife, she slashed her arms several times.

She also had difficulty sleeping at night. When the insomnia became too much to bear, she asked a doctor for sleeping pills. The general practitioner, who noticed the scars on her arms, referred her to a psychiatrist in private practice.

Lynn was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, a mood disorder characterised by alternating manic and depressive episodes. (See other report.)

It affects about 40,000 people here, with up to 10 per cent of sufferers ending their lives in suicide, said Dr Ong.

But seeing a doctor didn't seem to help Lynn. At home, she continued to lock herself up in her room. And her self-mutilation continued every time the pressure and stress of everyday living got to her.

The voices in her head, too, didn't go away. 'They were female voices telling me that I was useless and worthless. They told me I deserved to be hurt.'

Once, in Sec 2, she accidentally cut herself so deep, she couldn't stop bleeding. And last year, armed with a pen-knife, she went to the 10th storey of an HDB block and cut herself at the stairway. Both times, she panicked and rushed to hospital in a cab.

Her mood swings also resulted in erratic and impulsive behaviour. She swallowed pills she found at home. She went on extravagant shopping sprees. And sometimes, she got herself drunk.

Her principal, who declined to be named, told TNP: 'We noticed something was wrong when she was in Secondary 2. She was absent from school for several months at a time. 'And sometimes, for no apparent reason, she would suffer panic attacks. She would find it hard to breathe and needed to be taken out of class to calm down.'

The school advised Lynn's parents to take her to the child guidance clinic at IMH. She was then seeing a doctor in private practice.

The next year, in Sec 3, Lynn was allowed to transfer from the express stream to the normal stream but didn't pass her exams. Lynn is repeating Sec 3 this year.

Her parents took her to IMH early last year. Lynn was hesitant to talk about her family. She also refused to let this reporter speak to any of her family members.

'When I go to the doctor, I always go alone. They have never accompanied me because I don't want them to.


'The only times they were involved was when I was hospitalised for cutting myself. And I hate to see my mother crying. It makes me feel that I let her down.'

Dr Ong confirmed Lynn's story.

These days, Lynn's mood has stabilised with treatment. She has not cut herself for more than a month. For solace, she writes in her journal, or indulges in ballet practice.

'The only time I feel free is when I'm writing or dancing. It's the only time I feel I can forget who I really am and become someone else.'

Most self-harmers are teenage girls

AS many as one out of every 17 young people in the UK are estimated to display some form of self-harm behaviour, said Dr Ong Say How.

So far, no local studies have been done, but Dr Ong estimates that Singapore figures are probably slightly lower. Dr Ong, an associate consultant with the child guidance clinic at the Institute of Mental Health, said most self-harmers here are teenage girls. In fact, the ratio of girls to boys is 7 to 1.

Said Dr Ong: 'Self-harming provides a quick release of tension for these people who are experiencing a lot of emotional pain. Such behaviour can be caused by various reasons, including the inability to cope with certain stresses, mood disorders, or disturbances in one's life such as abuse or a chaotic and dysfunctional family.'

Dr Ong said self-harming behaviour can also be observed in some patients suffering from depression, post traumatic stress, bipolar mood disorder, and even autism.

'Sometimes, self-harming can be a method for these people to remind themselves that they can feel and are still very much alive. For others, it gives them a state of euphoria.'

Treatment varies from medication to cognitive behavioural therapy, which includes relaxation methods and problem solving skills.

Dr Ong is the author of Living With Self-harm Behaviours, which is part of a series of 10 books released by the IMH on mental illness. The books, addressing topics such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and learning difficulties, are available at all Times bookshops, IMH, and the child guidance clinic.


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@ 8:55 am

Dear Blogger,

I feel sad all of a sudden. I guess I haven't gotten over it. Most people would say "Move on!" but whom am I kidding? I still haven't moved on from my past disappointments so how do I move on from this one so soon???

People ask me how I am and I say I'm fine. What else can I say? Would they want me to pour out whatever emotional conflicts I have to them? I think not. They don't want to be stuck in that position where they have to play a comfort giver. They don't want to go on a guilt-trip.

People say that I'm colder now and my smiles are rare. That's not surprising is it after what I've gone through. I think everyone should rejoice now that I've lost my spirit. That's what everyone wants isn't it? To bring me down? Well, you've won.

Gosh I'm tired of being strong all the time. It's everyone else's war but I'm the target practice. Why? Because I'm convenient. I've long held my head up high even when I became a punching bag.

Was it my fault? Was it his fault? Was it their fault? Whose fault was it?


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Monday, May 03, 2004 @ 9:33 am

Dear Blogger,

I've decided to remove all forms fo communication in this site. If people are going to abuse me all the time, then let them tell it to my face rather than hide behind some idiotic nicknames.


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@ 9:27 am

Dear Blogger,

Who are these people??? Do I owe them anything?? I think not. Why are they so hell-bent on condemning me as if their lives are so fucking perfect??? I've long ignored them and I will continue to ignore them. Oh grow up people! You should know by now that if I have an itch to scratch, I'd do it with everyone knowing about it. I don't go around gossiping like SOME WOMEN or men do.

On a lighter note, Din has been nice to me even though I'm still quite put off with the amount of work he has to do. After Nicoll Highway, he was off to Ayer Rajah. I'm trying very hard to understand but sometimes, you just have to relook at your priorities.

Oh well. I too can play that game. I'm filling my calendar with activities now. Not social activities. I've had enough of those. More useful stuff to keep me forget that SOME people are real shit.



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Sunday, May 02, 2004 @ 2:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

My life has been one hell of a roller-coaster ride these past few weeks. My emotions have been extremes to say the least. I was ecstatic. I was furious. I was depressed. I was a lunatic. I can always blame it on the hormones... but yeah! I blame it on the hormones.

I don't remember much about the operation. I had to be at the hospital by 7am and as soon as I walked into the hospital, the few staff there looked at me like I'm some lunatic. Perhaps it was because I came alone. Perhaps it was because it was 6:45am.

Is it weird to go for an operation alone? It's not like I have a choice do I??? Everyone was too busy for me.

Blood pressure checked. Surgical gown put on. I was wheeled to the operating theatre at 7:30am. Why do hospital walls have to be white??? It's just like in the movies isn't it? You see blurry faces but you remember the whiteness of the hospital walls and ceilings.

While I was waiting for my doctor, I laid on the surgical table and realised that no matter how successful I am or how popular I am, I'm still alone. Nobody cared about me. Hot tears just flowed all of a sudden. I couldn't help it.

The anaesthetic came, a Dr Wong. He inserted a needle in a vein at my left hand. I was filled with a kind of excitement at that moment. Maybe it was because I've a thing for needles or because I was going to embark on my first surgical operation.

At the same time, I felt a huge amount of disappointment and loss. It was all too confusing. I remembered hearing my doctor's voice saying not to worry. I remembered someone calling my name. I remembered breathing in pure oxygen. That was quite a high.

Then I remembered driving! It was dark and I knew I was driving because I had my hands on the steering wheel. I don't remember the roads though. Were there roads??? I don't remember seeing other cars either. I drove faster and faster until I got scared. It was like the adrenalin was too much for me.

Then I heard my doctor called me. It was no longer dark. It was very bright. I don't remember anything else though. My doctor said it was over. So did the nurse.

I drifted in and out of consciousness. I remembered the room moving and more voices. My face became wet. I started to sob and all of a sudden, it was Niagara Falls. I've never cried like this since... New Year's eve 2002.

The worse thing of all, there was no one there to comfort me. Din wasn't there. Baby bear wasn't there. The nurses were at a loss on what to do. So they just left me alone. But I don't want to be left alone! I wanted to be cuddled like a child!!!

I must have cried for a long time because one of the Filipina nurses asked about my swollen eyes. I was allowed to stay at one of the wards till I was ready to go back.

I slept on and off and everytime, I woke up with tears. I don't know which hurts most, the loss of my baby or the loneliness. I felt that the whole world had let me down. I knew that I will never be the same again. The disappointment was too great for me to just brush off.

Love? What's that? Friends? Huh? Family? Yeah right! Don't bother to ask me how I am. Don't bother to pretend to care. I've hurt enough.


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