modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, February 29, 2004 @ 6:54 pm

Dear Blogger,

I thought this weekend was going to be a great one. I had grandeur plans of a night picnic at the Padang with a group of outgoing friends. What could be more fun than eating, drinking and making merry under the glowing half moon?

As you've guessed it, all that didn't happen. What happened was that some fucking people had to ruin whatever little joviality that can be salvaged because of their personal vendetta against others.

Don't you just hate it when two different groups of your friends can't get along? You have to take on the uncomfortable role of peacemaker between the two parties.

You also have to be extra careful because you're walking on a delicate rope of friendship. If you entertain one side, you have to be sure to spend the same amount of time with the other.

Eventually, no matter how well you handle this tricky situation, you don't win! Both parties will hate you for bringing them together. You end up mentally and emotionally exhausted. It's worse when you're a sensitive soul like me!

I walked from City Hall to Bugis. I just felt like walking. Nobody will notice that you're crying when you're walking. I've walked from East Coast to my home in Tampines before. City Hall to Bugis is nothing.

I could have walked home too last night but something made me took the train at Bugis. I didn't know what that thing is until I received a SMS at Eunos station.

I swear it! It was like some supernatural forces had something to do with it! Din asked me if I was alright. Was that coincidence or what?

At times when I'm troubled or vulnerable, I do things that I only know how. So I came running back to Din.

I immediately immersed myself in his protective embrace. All night, that's just what we did. He gave me the strength and protection that I needed. I gave him the attention he was craving for.

If the other guys were upset, I don't see any reason why they should. I've already stated at the very beginning that my heart belongs to someone else. I never wanted a serious relationship because I haven't gotten out of one.

I guess it's the "When Harry Met Sally" syndrome. There's no such thing as being close friends between a man and a woman. That's crap isn't it?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 27, 2004 @ 12:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

My friend forwarded me about characteristics based on horoscopes. I thought it was cool.

AQUARIUS WOMAN

If you are in love with a woman in this zodiac be prepared to be very happy or be very sorry. She is a very busy person with her own matters similar to a guy in this zodiac. She is able to live by herself without any guy in her life, a very strong person indeed.

Not because she does not have a dream guy, but if she can not find such person, so what. Because she thinks she could do anything that a man can do. She is a leader, a real confident type.

She likes to do things by herself, such as serving herself, opening the door herself. Because she thinks waiting for a helping hand is a waste of time, and she is not patient enough to wait around for that. If she starts to ask you out, do not think she starts to flirt with you, but because she thinks it is a waste of time to wait for you to be the one who asked.

She likes a COOL guy who sometimes act like he is ignoring her, so he has a chance to show him his own confidence. She likes to guess her man's reaction, but at the same time she likes to have many men wanting her. She is a daring type who could just do things differently from other people in her same society. She dares to fight for what she thinks belongs to her.

Even if she acts confident she mostly feels lonely and alone. If she breaks up with someone, she won't show any emotion even deep down inside pain and agony. Not for long she will come back to be the cheery and merry person again, because she looks at the world positively and has "Faith" in the word "Love".

She has more men friends than women friends, so do not be a jealous type if you date her. She could be slightly jealous, but she hates jealous guy. She loves "Freedom" so before and after marriage , her freedom has to be the same. She likes you to trust her, even if she does not trust you anyhow.

She likes to be the one who is "Right", so if you argue with her, let her win if it is not a big deal for you in that subject. She is a straight forward type, so if she does not love you anymore, she will just tell you straight to your face. Her love and relationship are always real, so if she say "It's over" be prepared to leave, she is not testing you.

She is not a vulnerable type, so do not have to worry about her, she will survive by herself. If she is with you when you get sick, she will certainly take care and look after you, even look after you mean "small loan". Do not have secret with her, she hates it and really can piss her badly. When she is sad , be understanding. When she is happy, be happy with her, she likes that.

You will not get bored with this type of girl. Someone who is close to her will know that deep down beneath that confident and cold hearted person, she is just as fragile as any woman. She is a fun and talkative person and she likes to tease you. Do not let she talk alone, if you do she will leave.

She has many type of jobs because she beliefs what a man can do, I can do. If you want her to work for you, forget it. When she is in love, she will just leave her job in the day time just to come to see you, but not for long she will go back to work seriously again. Prepare to live and love with a "Working Woman" then you will be OK.

If she mad, find a shelter for the "Hurricane" is here! Her bad temper will last very shortly though. She is not a revenge type and will not think of "pay Back" time. Most people might think of her as "One of a guy", but in fact she is a 100% woman. She is easily hurt, so be nice with her. If she really loves you, then you are lucky because she is an honest, truthful and will never bored you. Understand that sometimes she will be over confident
and sometimes like to have power or act bossy.


Tell me if most of it is true! I think so too. *grinz*

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 11:29 am

Dear Blogger,

He's upset with me. He didn't reply my messages. He's upset because I didn't want to meet him today and this morning even! Can you believe this guy?! I have to be at work early today because I have a meeting at 9am. But he insisted that I come over to his place first!

I can't just not take my work seriously because suddenly at his insistence, I have to be at his beck and call. For God's sake! He can't even support me if I'm out of work. He can't even support himself! And his job is even more stable than mine!

Still he calls me unreasonable. UNREASONABLE?! You know I'm just too tired to even bother with him. I have too much things in my mind as he's not even helping.

I'll just wait and see how far this goes. I've tried to work out solutions for both of us but he's not interested. I'm constantly fire-fighting with him. I'm burnt out!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 26, 2004 @ 9:23 am

Dear Blogger,

If I had a headache today, I wouldn't show it. But I did! The headache started last night when I was told about my school fees. A few hours earlier I had signed a cheque for the first installment payment to NTUC Income. What else could it be for if not for that damn car damages??? Now I have to look somewhere else for money to pay for my school fees.

On top of that, I had to try to ignore my dad everytime I go home. It's becoming a dread to go home. Where else could I go then???

2nd home? 3rd home? I don't think so. The last thing I need is mortal debt. You can never trust people these days. There's no such thing as giving without expecting any return. Even if its not monetary return, there will always be some other forms of return.

Din has been practically begging me to spend quality time with him tonight. I declined. It's weird. I've been dying to be with him all these time, yet when he asked me too, I said no. He just doesn't understand why! He must have really been from the most isolated part of Mars!

I guess I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. My brain says that it's not fair of him to just ignore me most of the time and expect me to drop everything just because he wants me.

But the fucking thing is that my heart feels so bad about it. Whatever I do, I will still feel like shit. I can never win!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2004 @ 7:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

I can't focus on my lecture. He had messaged me earlier that he needed me. He had a tiff with his mum you see. Just like me, he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents. The maternal instinct in me just want to run over to him and hold him dearly. He is my baby after all. My poor poor baby.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 23, 2004 @ 8:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I went for R&R last weekend in a Batam resort. R&R. Rest & Relax. Ironically, I don't feel rested and relaxed. I feel even more high-strung than before! My head aches. My tummy aches. My throat aches. I was popping pills like nobody's business.

I woke up late even though I slept early last night. No dreams no nothing. I must have been really, really shagged. I was not so much physically tired, but I was mentally exhausted. Brain dead! Burn out!

I could always blame it on the late nights. I could also blame Din. But, what's the point? I think it's about time I spend some time on myself. Suddenly I miss those moments when I would walk alone to God knows where and spend countless hours at the viewing mall just looking at planes.

I wouldn't say that I didn't enjoy myself these last few weeks. I did! Things are so much simpler when you don't take life seriously. Even though you still get crap and backlash, but who cares?! I was really enjoying myself. I had fun being with my guys.

Some are goofballs and on the wilder side, which appeals to the bad girl in me. Some are conversationalists which attracts the intellectual side of me. But the part I love best about these guys is that they're not taking this alliance seriously. I hope.

I don't want that. I never wanted that. I've had enough of a serious relationship in my hands. I don't need another one. I know that if I was in the other shoe, I wouldn't like what my partner is doing. But there's always a reason why people do things!

Do you think that I will be doing all these if Din isn't so busy with whatever he's doing? I'm not even in his priority list! Yet, I'm his girl! I'm still his girl! Those are not my words. They're his!

I think he doesn't know what he wants. He just wants everything. I cease to reason and understand him anymore because when I do, it ends up in a quarrel. I hated that! I always feel bad even if it wasn't my fault.

Gosh time passes so slowly today! I spent the whole day answering questions from MOH auditors. It really drained most of my brain juice away. I didn't even have the chance to check email! And now that I'm in class, it's only 8:30 even though I felt that I've been in this classroom for 3 hours!

I hate to go home these days. I don't care what my dad does to that place anymore. It's not even a home anymore! Every night when I do come home, it's always about money like I'm some kind of an ATM with unlimited supply of cash. I have enough financial problems in my hands right now. I don't need to carry their financial burden on my shoulders.

Was it my fault that he was charged 24 points for speeding and was summoned to the court??? Was it my fault that he crashed his taxi??? I played no part in those damn it! Why does he always have to force me to be responsible for his STUPID actions?! Just because I have a stable job, it doesn't mean I'm being paid millions. He's not asking me for hundreds. He's asking me for thousands! What makes he think that I have that kind of money???

He has 3 sons but does he push them??? Of course not! His sons failed their tests and exams when they were in school ages ago but does he punish them??? Of course not! Does he grill their girlfriends when they brought those girls over? Of course not!

How could I not have high standards for myself? How could I not have high expectations for myself AND others? It's not like I was born to be a BITCH. I grew up to be one!

I don't fucking care anymore. 2004 is about me, myself and I. I'm determined to enjoy myself this year. I've already bought a car afterall, one of the objectives done this year. And I've done so without anybody's financial help. I'll become financially stable again, without anybody's financial help as well. So, nobody is ever going to bring me down because they have no right to.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 21, 2004 @ 12:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

Singapore is a really small place. Too small. The Singapore Tourism Board can say whatever they want to say but there's nothing much to do or go or see in Singapore after 10pm.

Most shopping malls and shops close by 11pm. So you can't go window-shopping. You can eat but if you're not fond of eating at night, then that's out. Even if you like to eat, where can you go? Newton? Lau Pa Sat? Boring.

Then there's the clubs. You've been to one, you've been to all of them. Mohd Sultan is always packed with kids. Zouk is always packed with mid-class fashionably-dressed people. Centro? Not been there yet but probably the same too.

You can play pool or billiard but most halls are open till 3am. You'd enjoy it if you can shoot well. Not me. I hate to lose. I get very moody after a game.

You can get yourself drunk but I don't drink. Besides, I don't need alcoholic influence to get myself in a drunken state. I hate the smell anyway. It's such a turn-off when a drunkard breathes down your neck.

You can always go green. There's the parks and the beaches. So what do you do there? If you're with someone special, you can do "stuff". But if you're with a friend, you can't do "stuff". It'll be a comical disaster!

Sit down and chit chat? Talk about what? After awhile, that seemingly interesting conversation will lose its steam. So what's next? The awkward silence is what's next. Hate that awkward silence!

These are the thoughts that ran across my mind last night. Nevertheless, I had a blast of a time! Great company is hard to find these days. Wish I could do it again till sunrise. Just like that movie, Before Sunrise! Won't it be even more fun if it's with a stranger??? Then, it'll be like that movie, Lost in Translation!

Well, I'll have time to do all that. Life is too short man. I saw this quote once on TV: "The purpose of life... is to live with purpose." I guess I've found my purpose. My purpose in life is to make sense of this world and my place in it. In other words, LIVE LIFE!

I'm living it!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 19, 2004 @ 9:08 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm so tired of defending myself so I'm just going to let and ignore whatever these people want to say. Afterall, this isn't the first time they've expressed themselves.

I didn't start this site for them. I started writing because this is a positive form of expression for myself.

I'm still sick. I haven't fully recovered from this nose allergy. I looked so pale today that I scared myself while looking in the mirror. I haven't been eating well either. My food ends up in the toilet bowl.

Din is busy settling his financial problems so I'm not top on his priority list right now. What I don't understand is why doesn't he talk to me about it? I could have helped him, like I always do.

He's going to be very occupied for awhile. That leaves me with plenty of emotional time. Ideally I would like to fill this time with work and school. But even machines need a break.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 18, 2004 @ 9:10 am

Dear Blogger,

excerpts from some immature minds...

haha: cmon guys..leave her be..u're gonna make her cry...
gal: wow...i'll spit ur parents face too for letting a piece of ts face too for letting a piece of shit like u into dis earth... like u into dis earth...
wakaka: Miss Piggy mulut bau babi. Miss Modie mulut bau konek.
BigguY: Mod...i didn'nt noe u got balls....scary man...just like ur elephant thighs n buffallo butt....maybe u sld try Extreme Makeovers...they can make u beautiful like Miss Piggy
wow: being a loser is one thing,but being an ugly s.l.u.t loser is another.And Modie fits it all.I spit on your parents knowing they conceived a s.l.u.t

What do I make of these??? Nothing. I believe in retribution.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 17, 2004 @ 9:33 am

Dear Blogger,

There's something about love that makes people go crazy. Your emotions become extreme because of it. You become extremely happy. You become extremely sad. You become extremely angry. You become extremely confused. So on and so on...

My love for Din has been tumultuous for the past 3 years. Yet, I've not stopped loving him. I hate him, yes. I'm bored with him, yes. I love him? Yes.

You fall in love. So how do you fall OUT of love? I always thought that it's easier to fall out of love than to fall in love. I guess there are many ways to do that. You can always start seeing other people and pretend that you are attracted to those people.

But love isn't mathematics is it? There's no formula to love. You can't replace a variable with another variable to get the same answer. Even if you fall in love with someone else, it will never be the same "love" you've had with your previous love is it?

OK, so what's this sudden fascination with love? I don't know. Maybe it's the after-sex effect. After-good-love sex. Holding him so close to me never felt so good. I laid for hours in his arms and he held me so protectively. I've never felt so safe before. In all that moment, I felt at ease with myself as if all my problems just disappeared.

It sounds like a cliche but how else am I going to say it??? Only those who truly have been in love would know how I feel. Criticise me all you want but I know you've been there and done that.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 16, 2004 @ 11:02 am

Dear Blogger,

Why is it that when someone has become director of something or chief something, her attitude has to change? Is the air up there different somehow?

I ran around the whole building earlier to send out urgent documents to HODs just so that they will have enough time to do whatever they have to do and won't delay my work.

I was already at OT, my second last stop, when I saw my last recipient was already at OT. So what's wrong if I just hand her HER documents there??? Well, Miss High and Almighty prefer it delivered to her office, which is at the other tower!

I could have fainted there and then. I'm still sick yet, I'm working. Why? Because nobody's covering my work that's why!

I am supergurl! I am wonder woman! Everyone forgets that behind the fancy suits, there's a human. A young girl no less!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:04 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm feeling much better actually even though my voice hasn't really recovered. Slept the whole day yesterday. Won't say it was an unproductive day though. Hmmm... strangely, I don't know what else to write. Writer's block I guess. CiaO!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, February 14, 2004 @ 9:01 am

Dear Blogger,

I had a great time last night. No, I didn't blow Guy A. I didn't even meet him last night. His handphone just committed suicide. Which is just fine.

I watched Lost in Translation last night. It's a great movie. Some of the scenes touched a raw nerve though. The female lead character, Charlotte was somehow drifting in her marriage. Much like what I've been doing in this on-off relationship with Din. It's not that her husband was bad but he's busy with his photography work and didn't spend that quality time with her. Sounds familiar?

I know. I've been dwelling on this for far too long. I wish it was that simple. I'm being cheated by his work. I was supposed to meet him last night. It's the usual story. So I guess we're off again.

It's Valentine's. I don't celebrate it but you can't help feel sucked into the whole "love is in the air" thingy. It's amazing. I have all these guys to lavish my attention to but none, yes NONE, seems to be available today. Hmm...

What I'm going to do today? I have that presentation thing this afternoon. After that, I don't know. I'm not in the mood to sleep with anyone. Like I have anyone in the first place. It'll be nice if I could just chill with close guy friends in a bar or pub somewhere. But guys are not interested to just chill. The last thing I need is a guilt-ridden sex.

I better get dressed... I might as well look like a knock-out today.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 13, 2004 @ 9:11 am

Dear Blogger,

All morning I can't help craving for... I can't believe I'm actually craving for this... *guLp*... his dick! Guy A's dick! He's got such succulent dick! Can I say that? Can I associate succelent with dicks???

I normally don't like blow jobs but doing it on him is like sucking on an ice lolly. It's not too long nor too short. It's not too big nor too skinny. It's just... nice!

I must be really sick. I think I'd better make that appointment with my psychiatrist.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:45 am

Dear Blogger,

The Black Box is sucking the oxygen right out of my lungs. I can't breathe. I thought I was free but it's still there. It has always been there. It's always hiding somewhere, ready to pounce on every opportunity it can find. It can smell weakness, no matter how small. Save me! No don't save me! Oh I can't think!!! I can't even scream! I want to go! I want to stay! I want to die! I want to live! I'm tormented...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 12, 2004 @ 10:42 am

Dear Blogger,

I don't know who to call. I don't know who to turn to. I don't know who can be trusted. I don't know! I don't know! I DON'T KNOW!!!

I just... want to crouch in a corner and cry. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:55 am

Dear Blogger,

I've made another taxi driver happy again with my midnight trip to Jurong. Don't ask me why I do such things.

Sex with Guy A was... different. Nothing fanciful but it was a different experience no less. He was interesting in the beginning but I've become bored with it.

I think I've lost the thrill. I didn't mean to sleep with him in the first place. It was supposed to end with 3rd base, just like all the other guys.

He was never long-term material. He doesn't have any concrete goal in life. He's always drinking everytime I call him, which is every night. He spends his money on liquor. He job hops.

I can't live with someone like that. I need stability. For now, he's just my extra-curricular activity.

It's always when I'm in the arms of another man that I miss Din the most. It's not that I don't want to let go. It's just that... I can't explain it.

It's easy for people to say leave him. God knows how often i've tried to do that. Perhaps divine intervention has a part in this mess.

Standing here at Boon Lay station, I began to envy the uni kids. I really wanted to go back to school full-time. I deserve to! But... there's always a but isn't there? But, I can't afford it.

Financial wealth has never been with my family. I don't know how many times I've been disappointed because of money. I first suffered from depression because my parents couldn't afford to send me to UK for further studies. That was when my view of the world and reality took a dramatic turn from positivity to negativity.

I guess it will always be the men in my life who will hurt me deep. My dad. Din. The Alphabet Guys.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2004 @ 9:59 am

Dear Blogger,

Have I mentioned that Din just got promoted? It's about time! That promotion is long overdue. I'm so proud of him. I really am.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:19 am

Dear Blogger,

I was still sick but I had to go to work. Ironically, I was more productive when I was sick. I wasn't in the mood to be sociable that's why.

I was feeling tired but that's probably because of the medication. My voice too was at its minimal. It was raspy and it hurts when I tried to speak. It was a good thing because I had an excuse not to answer the phone the whole day.

Someone said I have a juicy body. What the hell does that mean? It sounded like I'm some suckling pig or something. Should I be flattered or offended?

That's the thing about flattery from guys. You don't know if he means well or it's his penis talking.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 10, 2004 @ 8:46 am

Dear Blogger,

I was sick (again!) yesterday. Went to the office for only half an hour, in a cab no less! Went to my GP and waited for an hour before I was actually seen by the doctor.

I'm still shaky. That's the effect of the medication. He just had to prescribed me medication that may cause drowsiness, didn't he? I hate drugs like these. It makes me feel useless.

He said that my nose may be sensitive. As such, the allergies my nose had picked up caused my body's defence system to weaken temporarily. That's why I fall sick often.

He's kind of true you know. I tend to fall sick after I come back from Batam. That whole island needs a major clean up! Do you know how polluted the place is??? No wonder my nose couldn't take it. Thank GOD I don't have to go there anymore! I can't afford to fall sick often.

At the clinic yesterday, I learnt about erectile dysfunction (ED). Apparently, ED was mainly caused by personal factors like low self-esteem, lack of confidence and stress. Smoking is also a factor.

I told Din about this and he agreed to take a break from smoking. I will temporarily suspend myself from smoking too.

I've told him time and time again that smoking affects his sexual performance. He didn't believe me of course. He said that many guys smoke and it didn't affect their performance i.e. these guys still have kids.

I didn't say that smokers can't have kids. I was just trying to explain to him that he was a much better lover when he wasn't smoking.

It's true you know. His penis seemed to be more sensitive when he was smoke-free than it is now. He used to get a hard-on just by looking at me. Now I have to stimulate him for quite some time before he's ready. I don't have the patience for that.

Maybe I should cut him some slack. I've blamed him for a lot of things and perhaps my lack of faith in him affects his performance. Well, he was asking for it.

I'm a demanding person. I have my standards. I'm not an easy person to be with. I guess for someone to put up with me for almost 3 years deserve some kind of award. Even my parents have given up on me!

I could be wrong. It could just be that love's in the air. It's 4 days to V-day after all. Maybe that's why I'm feeling a little sentimental. Hmm... MENTAL is more like it!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, February 08, 2004 @ 7:03 pm

Dear Blogger,

I must be out of my mind because I spent the early hours of Friday morning calling all the guys I know. I've never called guys just to chit chat! So you can imagine the surprise (I hope it was a pleasant surprise) the guys must have felt to hear me on the phone with them.

So what caused this unexpected burst of feverish calls? Just one thing: GUYS.

Guy B called me up at 2 fucking morning on Saturday for supper. I was already asleep an hour before. I was at two thoughts about going out, especially after I've changed into my sleeping gear.

I don't know why I agreed to meet him and his brother and cousin that night. Their breath already reeked of alcohol when they arrived at my place. I was hesitant to get into the car whose driver was already drunk.

They bought more drinks and we went to Changi Beach. It's a nice place to be at this hour. The breeze was strong and the full moon was bright.

I had my mocha frappuccino while they lap up on the cans of beer. Why doesn't people understand that there are some people who don't drink? What makes them think that people who refuse to drink with them are uncool?

Anyway, we went to some old church in Changi. My sensors were already in high alert because the whole place was dark and deserted. I should have walked out of that place.

But stupid me, I stayed and entertained these drunk and horny idiots. As soon as his brother and cousin went away for some nocturnal fun, Guy B was already all over me. Which was fine, except that I wasn't in the fucking mood to be fucked. I was having my menses for crying out loud!!!

The boys came back but did Guy B care? Of course not! All he cared about was jerking off! There was NO WAY I'm going to make out with anyone in front of an audience.

Things got to a downhill after that. Everyone's pissed. I knew I was never going to be part of their social circle after that. Like I cared in the first place.

They dropped me off at Loyang and I gladly walked home. It must be strange for the sober drivers on the road to see a young woman walking alone at 5 bloody a.m.

I was angry with those idiots but I was more angry with myself. Somehow I knew what the scene was going to be like yet I went along with it.

Guys in general are shit. They are ruled by their penis. What do they expect?! A nozzle at my neck and I'm going to go down on them???

Just because I talk about sex, it doesn't mean that I'm into casual sex! I've only done it with ONE guy and you know who that guy is. OK, maybe I had done it on 2 guys but both times, it wasn't just sex. And no, it wasn't Guy B. He can keep dreaming.

Din was supposed to fetch me today at HarbourFront. Surprise surprise! He didn't show up and he didn't answer my calls.

I have long wondered about his commitment on me. I wonder even more now. We're not even married and already I feel like a neglected wife.

The other guys are just something I'm using to fill up the sore void which Din has left. They're not interested in anything else either. They just want sex, which I'm not giving at this moment.

I don't understand the fascination with sex. Sure I use it to get what I want. I don't understand how anyone can enjoy sex with just anyone. I become remorse even after making out with other guys. Imagine how I'd feel if I had sex with them!

Din couldn't understand the difference between romance and sex. I guess most guys don't. Sure the sex was exciting but after awhile I want to be romanced and feel special. Sex is boring if I don't get those.

What do I have to do to make him realise that if he doesn't walk out of his comfort zone soon, he's going to lose the best thing that has happened to him??? Already I'm seeing other guys. Uncomfortable as I am to be with them, I can't just sit around and wait for him.

I'm growing older dammit! I just turned a fucking 24! This isn't the time for experimentation. I'm way past that. This is the time for me to find my mate so that I can reproduce to carry on the legacy of the human race!

Next year, I'll be 25. I promised myself that if I'm not married or even engaged by the time I'm 25, I'm going to be single all my life. All those men can fuck themselves because I won't be interested after that.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, February 06, 2004 @ 9:02 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm awfully tired. I have too much on my hands right now. School on Mondays and Fridays. Tuition on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wednesdays and the weekends are taken up by the volunteering work. Now, I have to lead a project, nothing major, but its a tough task nevertheless.

I don't mind leading something. Provided, that everyone else in the team realise that they have a role to play. What's the point for forming a team when everyone else expects the leader to do everything???

It's not enough that I have to do everything in my bloody almost non-existent love life. Now, I'm expected to give my all out to this project!

It's easy for everyone else to take time out because he has school assignments or he failed his last module or he's busy with work etc etc etc. I try to take time out. I have barely time for myself!

What do I get out of all these? Satisfaction? Personal achievement? People forget that I'm weak. They only see the strong side in me. Even I myself refuse to see the weaker side of me sometimes. I often pretend that I'm someone else. Someone like those women I admire most. Hillary. Margaret. Lara. Lucy. Cameron. Angelina.

It's a Friday and I'm so fucking tired. Very fucking tired of everything and everyone. It's that damn Black Box again. I can feel it enclosing on me every minute, sucking out the oxygen. I need to get out of here.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, February 05, 2004 @ 9:22 am

Dear Blogger,

I feel so much better today. I woke up, late as usual, feeling a sudden burst of positive energy. If I had the time, I would have redecorated my room this morning. I felt like I just had to get rid of all the clutter in my room. Of course, if I had done that, I wouldn't have gone to work. I shall get around to doing "update" my room soon. Unfortunately, not this weekend. I'm on-call this weekend. Hmmm... sounds like a doctor, isn't it? *grinz*

Men problems aside, I think I just have to live with it. I had a fruitful chat with Din last nite/early morning. That's why I woke up late by the way. He asked me why I was so angry with him these days. My goodness! All the while I've been trying to communicate with him, doesn't he pay any attention at all???

OK, so we're both from totally different planets. We both speak the same language but somehow our brains processed it differently. My brain says love, his brain says sex. My brain says attention, his brain says sex. My brain says quality time, his brain says sex. Get the picture?

He's not really as bad as that. He just... needs to grow up! I can't help it if I'm maturing faster than he does. God knows I do try to slow down but he has to do all the hard work. I can't be mother, lover and girlfriend to him all the time. It's too much work!

It's not that I don't relish these roles. I do! It brings me divine pleasure to shower him with love in no matter what form that may be. You see! I was born to be a mother!

I don't this to just him as a matter of fact. I do this to anyone who gives me right amount of attention and affection. You be nice to me and I'll be doubly nice to you. You treat me well and I'll treat you like a king. In fact, I'm THE nicest person around!

I'm not a cold person. I'm not an ice-queen. You make the right moves and I become as warm as a freshly baked chocolate chip muffin. Now that is me!

Sincerely,
modgirl.

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Wednesday, February 04, 2004 @ 4:21 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was growing to like Guy A. I'm going to miss him. I don't know what I did wrong to him, besides not telling him of my on-off relationship with that other someone of course. Other than that, I can't think of anything why he would be upset with me.

I guess it's a good thing we're not going to see each other anymore. He's beginning to become possesive. Ultra deja-vu! We barely know each other and he's proclaiming that I belong to him.

I don't belong to anyone. I'm not some consumer product that can be owned. I'm a person dammit!

Anyway, it's his loss. I was really growing fond of him. What a waste. Hooray for the potential others then!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, February 03, 2004 @ 5:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to use someone for my own agenda. That's not me. I'm not like them. I don't do these things!

I really wanted to be with Din but he's out with his boys to bloody JB for the whole night! I'm nothing to him am I??? I'm just a piece of meat to him. To all the guys even!

I don't know if I should meet Guy A tonight. I know I'm going to regret it. My furious state won't let me think straight. I'm so messed up! I hate myself!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 2:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

It must be the hormones. I've been dying to fuck him but I CAN'T! Not after I told him last night that I wanted to breakup with him, for real this time!

Sigh... I don't know how many "for real" breakup requests I've made over the past 4 years. We're sort of still together aren't we? I really don't know.

It's always been like this. Just when I said I wanted to leave, I'll want to fuck him the next day. I want to tease, lick, suck, whatever his little (big?) bro till he's out of his mind. *LOL*! I'm crazy.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:48 am

Dear Blogger,

How do I often get myself in this situation??? Am I being punished or something? Why do guys think that it's alright for them to stand up (is that the word?) a girl??? They simply have no regard to my feelings! Worse! I'll feel bad after that! Yes! Me! Feel bad!

Am I being selfish??? Being stupid is more like it. I wish I could just turn the men in my life into some ugly toads or cockroaches. They deserve to!

I can tell myself till the cows come home that I'm better on my own but who am I kidding? I've been in denial for so long that it's wearing me out!

Love is crap isn't it? I've actually forgotten what falling in love feels like. But I do know that the feeling is brief. I would love to fall in love again but it's not the right time yet. I don't know when is the right time. I don't think it will be anytime soon.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, February 02, 2004 @ 11:34 am

Dear Blogger,

I wish I can say confidently that I don't love him anymore. But I can't. Last night, even though we're together, I just didn't feel it. I missed him yes, but when I was with him, I couldn't bring myself to let him touch me.

I don't know what's going on. I guess I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just so confused. I wish everything was simple. Why does life have to be complicated??? I try to make my life as simple as possible but I always end up in deep shit.

I would think that any decent guy would call his girl and ask if she's safely home. But not Din. I would also think that no matter where you are or what weather it is, a decent guy would send his girl home. But not Din. That only works in the first year of courtship.

Why am I making such a fuss on this??? Am I not supposed to be independent??? I don't know. I'm a very complex person. I want freedom, yet I want to be cared for. I want equality yet I want to be pampered. I'm a loser aren't I???

I hope that this mood is just PMS. I hate this feeling!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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