modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, January 31, 2004 @ 11:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

I watched Irreversible this afternoon. It's a French film with the infamous almost 10 minute rape scene. I find it a disturbing film and I'm disturbed not because of the excessive violence but because of the graphic rape depicted in the film.

I'm always angered by anything that's violent to women. What have women as a whole done to deserve such beastly treatment from men??? Have we not suffered enough from the hands of men since the days of Eve???

In the movie, the rape victim played by Monica Bellucci was almost naked in public. Her party dress was so flimsy and revealing that I was almost turned on by her. That's what voluptious women do to me.

Anyway, just because a woman shows confidence to wear something like that in public, it doesn't mean that it's the right for every man to take her forcibly.

Admiration is no longer admiration when a woman says no. And don't give that excuse that when a woman says no, it means yes. That is so male thinking. Believe me when I say that when we do want it, we will let you know.

I really don't understand rapists and women abusers. What's going on in their minds? Did they have a fucked up childhood? Were they bullied as child? If so, should society sympathise them?

Whatever their mental history is, I think all rapists and women abusers should be publicily flogged, castrated with a blunt knife, rammed their arses with a piping hot rod and finally leave them to rot half-buried in red ants' nests.

That's what the Malaysian government should do those animals who raped and murdered the 9 year old girl. 9 BLOODY YEARS OLD!!! She probably didn't what a vagina means!

How could anyone do such a thing?!!! I guess if these animals had daughters, they would still commit such horrendous crimes on them.

The worse case of child sex abuse did not happen in the Western countries. It did not even happen in Malaysia. It happened right here in Singapore.

In 2002, a woman was charged with jail and caning for assisting her lover to rape HER own daughter repeatedly for a several years. A mother doing this to her own flesh and blood. Does she deserve to be called a mother? NO! Even animals don't do that. She gets jail and caning under taxpayers' expense no less!

What does her daughter get? A permanent scar on her fragile trust and confidence. She will blame herself for what has happened because she thinks that her mother won't love her if she didn't follow orders.

My GOD!!! Everyday I read reports like these and everytime I do, my faith in men reduces a little. If they can't control their libido, then they don't deserve a penis. One of these days, the tables are going to turn and men can't run anywhere. There is no law agaist women raping men. Not in Singapore at least.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:29 am

Dear Blogger,

My fish is dying. Actually, it isn't my fish. It's daddy's fish. The fish has been looking sickly for weeks and I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless.

It's been swimming on its sides and it looks like it has trouble breathing. On one side of its body, it has turned foamy. I don't know what that means but it looks really bad. Its eyes have turned bloody red. What do I do??? It saddens me to see it like that.

When I'm sad, I feel a longing to be held like a baby. I miss Din. I miss him terribly. He may not be the best boyfriend in the world but I miss him nevertheless.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, January 30, 2004 @ 5:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

It has been such a busy day that I've barely time to breathe. I'm just so tired and I need fresh air. That's the bad thing about Singapore. So its a clean and green city but many of its buildings are heavily air-conditioned. We're practically breathing stale air!

I had a late night/early morning phone conversation with Guy A. You know, after awhile, he's not as annoying as I thought. He's kind of funny. I like funny guys.

The thing is, I think he's going way too fast. I don't want that! I just want us to be buddies. I can't be in a relationship right now. I don't think I'm even out of the "other" relationship yet! So, how do I tell this guy (gently!) to slow down???

Sincerely,
modgirl.

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Thursday, January 29, 2004 @ 1:13 am

Dear Blogger,

Other girls get flowers from their boyfriends on their birthday. I get nothing. I know I should believe strongly that its the thought that counts but I think that only works with someone you're not personally involved with.

I had dinner with my friends. Yeah, the dinner that I had to plan for and invite everyone I know to attend. The ones who attended are from my youth team. Everyone else seems to not bother at all. Even the ones I had feelings for.

What do I expect??? My birthdays have always been shitty. Last year, Din stood me up. The previous year, I spent a bomb organising my own birthday party in an East Coast chalet. It's pathetic to how I had to even remind my own family members of my birthday.

I guess I'm the only one who gives a damn about my birthday and my loved ones' birthdays. What's so bad about making a fuss out of your birthday anyway??? Is it so horrible to grow a year older???

If that person don't give a damn about your birthday, then I don't see why I should be associated with him. You can be sure that I'm never going to see Din, Guy A, Guy B nor Guy C even, ever again.

Such a waste of time getting myself all dolled up today. I feel so silly. Why the hell did I do that for???

I'm trying very hard to think positively. I'm trying very hard to see the half full instead of the half empty glass of milk. But disappointment is taking over me. For two years in a row, some insensitive dick made me cry on my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!

I'm shaking uncontrollably. That's how angry I am feeling right now. Happy fucking birthday moddie! That's all I have to say.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2004 @ 9:34 am

Dear Blogger,

I take it back. He did message me. An hour late. He fell asleep while waiting for the clock to strike 12. I received a lot of sms wishing me a happy birthday till 6 in the morning. Then there's Guy B who called me TWICE between 3 to 4am. Don't these people sleep??? I wanted to wake up early but obviously I didn't. I did manage to shave and pamper myself. Spent almost 45 minutes putting on make-up. DAMN I look gorgeous!!! Fuck all others! I AM BEAUTIFUL!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:10 am

Dear Blogger,

I wish myself a happy birthday. But I'm not happy. I've tears in my eyes. He didn't call me or message me. Men! Fuck him!

Sincerely,
modgirl.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2004 @ 10:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really hate it when people start judging you based on religion. I hate their sermons. I hate their pretentious act of righteousnous. I hate their bullshit.

I also hate it when guys see me as a sex object rather than a person. Sex changes everything. I hate sex.

Guys are hypocrites. I don't care if you guys go up in arms against that statement but I'll say it again. GUYS ARE HYPOCRITES!!! They don't give a fuck if their girlfriends are virgins or screwers. But they always want virgins for wives!

What you want to do tonight dear? Fuck! What would you like for a birthday present dear? Fuck! Where do you want to go dear? Fuck! Shit man! There's more to life than fucking you know!

Just because I'm not demure or ladylike, it doesn't mean I'm a slut! Sure I admire Samantha from Sex and the City for her ball-busting guts but I'm not going to fuck half the male population in Singapore!

I'm so angry with myself. I let myself be in this mess. I deserve to be treated like shit.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:08 am

Dear Blogger,

I asked Din why he likes me. He said I'm cute. Cute? Cute are for babies. I'm not a baby. So what is it about me that's cute? Everything. I swear to God this guy is either smart or needs very much to improve on his vocabulary.

There's this other guy I've been seeing, Guy A. He said he liked my white, fleshy, milky skin. I think he was referring to my buttocks. Some of the other guys I've been seeing liked that part about me too. I can't figure out why. Does having fair skin really make a lot of difference?

I have to be careful not to give these guys the wrong idea. I don't want to find myself accidentally in another relationship! I've got to slow Guy A down because he's been telling his friends that I'm his! When the hell did this happen?!

Well... I do like him but not too much. He's a soft-spoken person and he drinks. A lot! I don't mind the occassional tipsy or two but if you're going to drink every night in a club then it's quite a turn-off actually.

The question I have to ask myself every day is WHAT THE HELL AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO?!!! I'm going to hurt someone. I just know it!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, January 26, 2004 @ 7:13 pm

Dear Blogger,

Amazing! The result of the first ever moddie's poll is 50-50. 50% of the voters think that blogging is shit. Then, there's the other 50% who don't care. Oh well... I expected worse.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:47 am

Dear Blogger,

The train is moving so agonisingly slow. I'm going to miss the ferry for sure. I was already late yesterday so I hate to take a cab down to HarbourFront. I had to because I was holding the tickets! I paid $14 cab charge and I was still late!

I think cabs should be given exceptional rights to go past the speed limit. What's the point of flagging a cab when you're still going to end up late???

The weather has been really cold for the past few days. Raining and raining non-stop. I should be at home asleep! I haven't had much sleep for a few days. I've been going back and forth from one end of the island to another. I've been making several taxi drivers rich with my trips.

What have I been doing? Oh man! I didn't even know I was capable of doing the things I did! I've been out most nights and I haven't slept in my bed for days! By now, my energy level has dipped very low and it's not going to be long that I will experience another burn out.

I should take things slow already. In a way I'm glad the long Chinese New Year holidays are over. I've lost my focus for awhile in the last few days and it's about time I refocus on my goals again this year.

My immediate concern is my school fees. SP is going to send the invoice to HR for sure. I haven't talked to my boss about it but I just need a bit more time. It's just a few months away till I complete the course.

Next is the stupid accident thing. I've swept it under the carpet for awhile but I know I've to face it sooner or later. Din isn't much help in this. It's always me who has to do the thinking.

I'm really tired now and I could feel a writer's block coming. Ciao!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, January 22, 2004 @ 5:24 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've been having some of the craziest times of my life in just within a space of one week! But, I'm enjoying it all! So much so that I don't care what has been said or written about me. It's a shout out after all!

I just came back from all night partying and man I'm tired! Yet, I still feel elated. I think it's because of the thrill of getting to know new faces. I shouldn't do this often though. It's not really acceptable for a young, Malay girl to be out on the streets in the middle of the night in the company of mostly men. But what the fuck?! I'm not committing any crime nor am I spending other people's money.

I didn't get the Helpline volunteer post but that's OK. Seriously! I'm OK with it. I was even gracious enough to reply to AWARE that it was great to even be interviewed by women who really believed in a cause.

Din is doing fine. We've been chilling together weekly. His company has been real nice actually. I mean, he will still forget my birthday next week but you know what, it won't bother me much. He still loves me nevertheless. How do I know that? He doesn't say it but his actions gave it away.

He's still the over-protective boy that he is. He's never really supportive of what I do, even if it's a good cause. But, it's cool. I'm giving him the breathing space he needs and he does the same to me. Of course, he doesn't know that I've been socialising again. I don't think telling him that will be a very good idea.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. Go out again? Hmmm... where? I just want to do something slow and relaxing today. No, I'm not going to fuck anyone. It'll be great to be with good company just chit-chatting away. It's a cliche, but I feel like I'm taking the time to smell the roses. I'm contend.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2004 @ 5:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

More good news! My COE bid was successful! First-time bid!!! YEY!!!!! COE has been down for awhile. Still, for a minute there I thought I wouldn't get it. I got it at about $24,000. Quite cool huh? Now, the only thing left to do is wait for the car to come in. That'll be in April or May.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, January 19, 2004 @ 8:50 pm

Dear Blogger,

I can't help myself so I'm just going to do it...

BigDick - hmmm... I've always believed that any man who claims that he has a big dick, has a very minute penis actually. He's one of those people who's in denial about his err... lack of "talents". My advice: lots and lots of soap.

nsync - u want my brother's socks? They're football socks and I believe they've been in his sports bag for a year now.

siol-lah - grow up!

MODDIE'S nightmare - this isn't 2003 anymore. If I do ever breakdown, I'll make sure I'll send you the visitation rights to IMH.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

I wanted it. I really, really wanted it. But I couldn't. And I shouldn't! Be strong. But at what price??? Sometimes I just hate being a nice person. Nice people always get shit thrown at their faces.

Sincerely,
modgirl.

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@ 10:34 am

Dear Blogger,

I had an enjoyable weekend. Bored at times, especially on Sunday. I was out the whole day on Saturday, literally! Met some new faces. Good or bad, I don't know.

I didn't want to go out on Sunday but I had already made an appointment to listen to a presentation. Fortunately, the presenter was OK-looking so I had quite a blast irritating the hell out of him. I think he enjoyed himself as well. I was too tired after that to do anything else.

Ever since I introduced the TagBoard, I've had some very interesting posts from people I may or may not know. The favourite topics of the moment are religion and fats. I didn't know there are people out there who are so concerned about the fats in my body. And to think that weights and looks are no longer issues for me.

I guess many people have self-esteem issues. When I felt ugly at some point in my life, most people advised that it's who I am that matters and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Now that I think I'm beautiful, the same set of people think I'm too full of myself. It's no wonder that psychiatrists and psychologists are having a field day analysing people.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, January 17, 2004 @ 9:41 am

Dear Blogger,

Why do I have a feeling I know who these mature people are? Heck! Who cares! I said last night that I felt like crying, but you know what? I'm laughing at it right now.

Here's something from "My Nightmare" (the least she could do is be more original). It's in the guestbook by the way.

"You're an insecured person.You boast of your supposed sexual conquest because you think you have a relationship. But it only exists in your head. You're a self-disillusioned pathetic slut and a pretentious shit. You're not even close to beautiful, you fat smelly ape."

As if I've not heard THAT before. Come on lah people. You have a brain don't you? Be creative! Oh well... I'm not for tit-for-tat.

A-n-y-w-a-y... I met my poly mate last night. It's always good to see someone from your history. I felt like a schoolgirl again. Oh how I missed those days.

Oh by the way! Thanks Biatch for dropping in to my webbie. Glad you find my entries entertaining. Popped over to your bloggie (massdiva.blogspot.com). Hmmm... Black. Niceeee! Tattoo. I prefer smaller feminine designs. I didn't sleep with your guy friends did I? I don't think so. Because unlike other girls, I stick to one regular partner. Even if that partner is Din. Also, looks are subjective. You find me ugly. Some people find me attractive. But I find myself BEAUTIFUL. Likewise, you find yourself attractive. I think you're acceptable in society. Cheers!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, January 16, 2004 @ 9:55 am

Dear Blogger,

Why does the tudung issue always crop up? I just don't get it! I wasn't born with a tudung and I chose to wear it at one time. So why can't I CHOOSE NOT to wear it now? Wassup with some people's obsession with the tudung??? Why should we associate the tudung with Islam? It's just a piece of clothing that's all. Islam should be in within you, not by something that you wear.

I can be all dressed up like the women in the Muslim countries, but does that make me a Muslim? Who knows what's going on inside the heart of those women all clad in black or whatever colour they wear nowadays. If some people wish to judge a Muslim woman on her attire, then I wish to judge a Muslim man on HIS attire. Nobody cried blasphemy when so-called Muslim men here go out with short-sleeves or sleeveless shirts and shorts. Nobody cried blasphemy when some Muslim men chose not to grow facial hair. These are silly arguments but the whole debate on why I wear tudung on some days and don't wear on other days is pure SILLINESS!

There are bigger issues in life than the tudung. What about faith in Islam? What about the increasing number of Muslim extremists in the world? What about the many worrying deviations to the fundamental teachings of Islam? I'm not a preacher. I'm not a religious scholar. I have never advised or criticised anyone on how or what they should believe. So why the backlash on me???

Perhaps these people are insecure. Perhaps they just want to find someone to blame for their own misfortunes. I don't know. Somehow I think the priorities some people set for themselves are... well... not in order. But who am I to tell them what to do? I am just a young girl in a woman's body trying to make sense of what's going on in her life.

I've made mistakes. Then again, I'm not the only one making mistakes. People often forget that I'm human. I have my thrills and chills. So do others. Don't judge me for what I wear. In fact, don't ever judge me at all. The only one who can judge me is Him. He's my Forgiver and my Punisher and I've said this time and time again, me and me only is responsible for my actions. So don't judge me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, January 15, 2004 @ 1:22 pm

Dear Blogger,

Oh man do I feel extra hungry today! I want something hot and spice. Something cheesy. Something that will just lift my skirt up to my face. Pasta? Tacos? Burritos? Tom Yam? I want all that!

The thing is, I just had 2 slices of butter and kaya sandwich for lunch. I had 1 slice of butter sandwich for breakfast. I don't know why colleague looked so surprised when she saw me eating the sandwiches. It's not like I'm on a diet or anything. Or am I?

I don't know. I mean it's like I've been watching what I eat for as long as I can remember so does that mean I've been on diet for most of my life?

Just this morning, my colleague was so concerned about her body fat but she's already so slim and in the ideal weight category. What more does she want??? Sometimes I think women have set the wrong priorities in life. Then again, I blame MEN for that. Maybe not. Men did prefer curvaceous women in some decades or centuries ago right? Should I blame it on the fashion people?

Women can't be complacent. Otherwise, they'd be lonely or force to turn into lesbians. There's nothing wrong with being lesbians by the way. I like women too. To some extent that is. I mean between a naked woman and a naked man, give me a naked woman anytime!

The thing is, we poor things have to be beautiful all the time just so that men can like us. Hmmm... that doesn't make sense does it? I have my fair share of men problems in my life but by looking at what I've just said, why the hell are we doing this so that men can LIKE us??? Afterall, don't men need us?

Is it in our genetic codes or what? OK, obviously all that flattery by the guys when I put on the makeup boost my ego a little. Then again, why do we women do it???

I wonder what it would be like to be a man for 24hours. I'd really love to get a man's perspective on this. It'll be really cool if I get to experience a hard-on. I wonder what THAT feels like. Hehe!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, January 14, 2004 @ 11:40 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was at AWARE this evening. AWARE, Association of Women Advocacy and Research E? Oh well, I can't remember the full name. It's a women's organization and that's all I need to know.

I was there for an interview to a Helpline post. It's a voluntary post, so no money involved. I thought that this was a good extra-curricular activity for me. Besides, I've always wanted to do women's advocacy.

Gosh! I feel so alive all of a sudden. I'd almost forgotten I had a feminist streak in me. I was quite a feminist in my younger days. When I didn't know what love and heartbreak felt like. When I was naive and idealistic. When I was a virgin. Haha!

Even if my application was rejected, and I know it will because I SUCKED at the interview, I wouldn't let it bother me too much. I can do other things. I don't need to be at AWARE to advocate how women should live their lives.

Maybe I'm getting too ahead of myself. I should look at myself first before I rally the women for the things they deserve. I should basically practise what I preach first.

I'm still thinking whether I should sign up to be a teacher. A few months stint as a tutor do not guarantor me as a good teacher. This could just be a fad thing.

I've always wanted to be a medical doctor but I don't have the qualities to be a good medical doctor. I was envious of the medical students in the foodcourt this afternoon. It was probably their white lab coats. Oh well... c├ęst la vie.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, January 13, 2004 @ 3:13 pm

Dear Blogger,

Good news! My car loan application has been APPROVED!!! YeeHaaAAaaAAAaaaa!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 3:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

I haven't fully recovered from food poisoning. I don't know what I ate but it wasn't seafood. That's because I didn't have any seafood. The good thing about being in this condition is that I don't have the appetite to eat anything else. I could go without eating from dusk till dawn. Sick, I know.

I'm still feeling tired and sleepy. I didn't go to work yesterday because I couldn't get myself out of bed. I slept till noon but that wasn't enough. I slept some more till it was time for me to go to school. I was already late so I asked my brother to send me to school. How I wished I had my car already.

The application is still with the bank! Sigh... I doubt I'll be able to buy the car. The bank doesn't have faith in me. Then again, it has faith in loan sharks, thieves, rapists etc. But not me! A law-abiding, salaried employee of a public hospital!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, January 08, 2004 @ 10:07 am

Dear Blogger,

I've not been feeling too well for the past few days. Fever, aching body, diarrhoea, nausea... you name it, I have it. At first I thought I had dengue fever, then food poisoning but I doubt it's either. I've not been to see the doctor. I've been busy at work. I should be proud of myself to put work above my health. But I don't. I think it's pathetic!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, January 06, 2004 @ 8:36 am

Dear Blogger,

When you have had too many disappointments in your life, the best thing to do is to do everything yourself. You simply can't depend on others nowadays. Even if it kills me, I will do everything myself.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:34 am

Dear Blogger,

I am so tired and it's only the 5th day of 2004. The whole day I've been busy with UAT. My brain is near meltdown just doing that bloody report. But this isn't the end of my day.

I still have night class to go to. I don't know how I'm going to get through Statistics later. It's such a heavy topic!

Well, I got through it, still awake mind you. I'm cold and hungry. Amazingly, I survived the day. It has been a long day but I have to get used to it.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give myself a treat at the end of the week. I should, shouldn't I? I think I deserve it.

I haven't decided what to do yet this weekend. I do have to go to MOE though, to submit my educational certificates.

I don't know if I really want to go into teaching. It seemed like fun for awhile. It could just be a fad.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, January 03, 2004 @ 10:06 am

Dear Blogger,

I thought I would never again cry in 2004. But that was a thought too soon. How could I be so foolish to think that 2004 will be any different? People don't change, so why should 2004???

Just when I've sung him praises, he has to disappoint me. I could never say enough how STUPID I am. STUPID! STUPID!! STUPID!!!

All I asked for was to be my guarantor for a car loan. You know how badly I wanted a car. How was I fucking supposed to know that you have to be earning 30k annum salaries to own a car?!

Was that a difficult thing to do? Apparently so. The reaction you get from some people was that you're not someone to be trusted at all.

Then you begin to wonder, what friends??? You then realised that you're really alone in this world. Why surround yourself with people who don't trust you??? I don't know.

I have been crying all night as soon as I was told I needed a guarantor. No point looking for one when you knew very well how it will turn out. I had bad experiences with guarantors before. That was why I'm not in not in university right now.

Every day, my faith in the goodness of people is diminishing. You go all out to help others because you were fucking borned nice but what do you get in return? Pain!

Will I survive 2004? Will my sanity finally leave me? It's going to be a fucked up year isn't it? Every second, a piece of me dies in disappointment. It's just a matter of time when you'll find me lifeless in permanent sleep.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, January 02, 2004 @ 8:43 am

Dear Blogger,

There's no better way to start a brand new year than to be with your loved ones. For me, to spend the time with someone you truly love, in a special place, devoid of any disturbances, is the ultimate celebration.

There was no party for me. No crowds. No stupid music. No bad breath teens. No chimney smoking jerks. I didn't want all that. I spent the last afternoon of the year at home with my sister.

I admit I was kind of bored at times. But the quality, quiet moments at home was more worth it than spending the day in Sentosa or where ever.

I got a surprise call from Din, asking me if I wanted to spend the night with him. It invoked memories of new year's eve 2 years ago. Ahhh... Our first night together. Sigh...

I was torn for awhile. I wanted to start the new year free of his hold over me. You know, a brand new woman. A brand new independent woman. I also wanted him. He had afterall shown signs of improvement lately.

I don't know. No man has ever made me this confused. How could he be the one???

Anyway, as always, I could not resist him and I'm not regretting it. Just lying there in his arms was oh so worth it. He held me all night long and I let him.

That's how my 2004 will be for me. No regets.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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