modgurl's
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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003 @ 9:29 am

Dear Blogger,

My tribute to 2003... by Erasure.

I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you're making me work so hard
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

And if I should falter
Would you open your arms out to me
We can make love not war
And live at peace with our hearts
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover
Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you're making me work so hard
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:26 am

Dear Blogger,

I wonder, why live? Why torture yourself? Why be miserable? Questions with no answers. I'm just a piece of flesh to most people.

I'm sitting in the toilet, in case my tears go out of control. For no reason, tears just flowed when I was at my desk. I was angry again. I just wanted to quit everything.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 29, 2003 @ 10:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I just booked a car today. It's nothing fancy nor expensive. It's a basic sedan. A simple car to get me from one place to another.

I'm not sure if I'll get it soon because I bought it at non-guaranteed COE. I have 6 chances of bidding, twice a month. I hope I nail it in January. That'll be a great birthday gift.

COE, one of the banes of Singapore society. We sell one the world's most expensive cars. I don't think that's an achievement we should be proud of.

Hmmm... From the way things are going, I doubt I'll be able to drive to school. Oh shit! School! I have to fork out another $1500 for the fees. I have to wait for the next pay day. That'll be another round of HR to go through. Man... I don't need this by now. I just want to go to school.

Life is valued by dollars and cents doesn't it? I have to be careful of every little penny I spend from now on. Thank God I've lost my desire to get married.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:35 am

Dear Blogger,

I've been taking to online porn lately. I guess it's a form of escapism. Most would find it odd, but I don't get turned on by it. Don't ask me why.

My preference is Japanese porn. It's not as weird as its counterpart. It still manages to retain its "kawaii" (cute) factor, which I find adorable.

The Japanese likes orgies though. I have not fantasized about sharing my body with several guys (and girls) yet. Where's the turn-on factor in that???

I've seen other girl's vaginas. Yet, I've not seen mine. I'll bet it's ugly. I know it comes in several shapes. Some are really ugly. I wonder why guys find it attractive.

Then again, the vagina is not as ugly as a penis. I don't find myself attracted to it. Don't get me wrong. I love to fondle a hard one, as long as I don't have to see it.

It's recommended by the doctor that healthy sex is good for your health. Sometimes even masturbation is good, just to keep the hormones active.

I've never masturbated. Couldn't bring myself to touch myself. Hard to believe isn't it?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 25, 2003 @ 10:45 pm

Dear Blogger,

I just WISH someone would take me away from here. Really! My dad's at it again. Really shitty. I'm so not bothered by anything that comes out of his mouth already.

Now, I'm unfilial. Big deal! Now, I'm worthless. Big deal! Now, I'm a mistake. Big deal! All because of money.

He doesn't realise, does he? That no matter how much I help him financially, he will still consider me unfilial or worthless. I will always be the piece of shit unlike his eldest sister's daughter, who gives her mother her bonus every year. Yeah right!

I never told him to borrow money from his siblings. I never told him to open up that stall. I never told him to subscribe to this and that. I never told him to pawn my mum's jewellery. So, why does he make it sound like it was all my fault?!

Whatever I work for, the money has mostly NOT gone to me. It has always gone to the people I love. So what the FUCK does he want from me?!!!

He can lecture all he want. He can call me anything all he want. I don't bloody care. I'm not going to let his demeaning words get the better of me. I've had enough of that. Nobody belittles me but myself.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 22, 2003 @ 1:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm at home with diarrhoea and nausea. I feel so lethargic. So I called the office and told my boss I'm not going to work today. It's probably the seafood I had in Batam. Whatever! As long as it gives me more time to sleep.

I spent the weekend in Batam, for R&R. Expenses fully paid. OK, so it was just transport, accomodation and food. Still, who's going to complain if your R&R was at the Holiday Inn, Waterfront???

We had our last conversational English lesson on Saturday afternoon. Coincidentally, the topic was food and restaurant. It was so apt to end the module with a feast. I think everyone enjoyed the lesson. It was fun to bring the restaurant to the office. We've decided earlier that it's pointless to bring the class to the restaurant because Batam isn't exactly an English-speaking island.

We finally reached the Holiday Inn at about 6pm local time. The journey was a test of my stomach durability. It was already a challenged just surviving the ferry trip. Now, the journey to the hotel brings us up and down the mountains.

The roads weren't exactly Singapore standards. So, you could imagine the torture for those born with no butts. Even me, who was blessed with ample butt flesh felt the desire for a shock-absorbant seat.

Furthermore, it was raining. It had been raining the whole day. The van wasn't air-conditioned. So, the ventilation was very poor. I swear if I had to stay in that van for another 30 minutes, I'm going to throw up for sure.

But it was all worth it when we reached the hotel. It was designed in a resort-style. We stayed in an apartment with 2 bedrooms. I thought it was a cosy space for the 11 of us. Nice! The girls get the bedrooms of course. The men, have no choice but to be gentlemen, so they got the couch.

Dinner, or supper (depending what your usual dinner time is) was seafood at Golden Prawn (Pond?) restaurant. It was a kelong-style restaurant which faces the sea. Really breathtaking! We ordered chilli and black pepper crabs, fried calamari, fried prawns (or pop-prawns as one of the guys called it), fried stingray, kangkung, chap chai and gong gong (asian version of escargot). It's a pity the tiger prawns were sold out. We ate to our hearts' content and it was even more satisfactory when dinner was paid for. *Big grin*

After dinner, we tried to look for night entertainment. Not much we can do because it was still raining. Three of us girls went to the inhouse club/bar. But I think we went in too early because there was no crowd and the live band was still tuning their instruments.

The crowd came in only at 2am. We've been there for almost 2 hours already. I was trying to enjoy the music but it's really hard and pitiful to watch the band perform with no audience in place. My last few sticks to ciggies helped to curb my boredom a little.

Then, surprisingly, I caught the bassist looking at me for a long time. I didn't know what to think about that. So, I just smiled and moved on. When the band was having its break, he came over to our seat and introduced himself. I couldn't remember his name but he was kind of cute. We chatted for awhile but I didn't know much about him. Then I had this insane idea to give him my contact details. I doubt he'll call anyway.

By the time we went back to our room, it was already about 3am. The others were playing UNO on the bed. I washed up and was surprised to see my 2 party animals already asleep. Geez! I couldn't sleep till a quarter before 4. Probably the effect of the Long Island tea.

Next day, nothing much to do again because it was still raining. We couldn't have our massage because the spa was fully booked. So, like typical Singaporeans, we went shopping at Nagoya.

I bought myself more packs of ciggies and some shirts. I just couldn't resist cheap stuff. Am I a shopaholic or what??? The only bane in this shopping experience is why the hell must the waistline of the bottoms be so bloody small??? An XL size suspiciously looked like a size 28. I'm a size 30 damn it! 32 if I had to consider my hip size.

I was dead tired by the time I reached home. Which is good because I didn't want to listen or confront my dad on why I refused to attend my cousin's wedding yesterday. I'm not even close to my cousin so why the fuck should I go??? Besides, if I went, I'll get more shit from my relatives. Forget it!

This isn't about respecting my aunt. It's about being smart. She wasn't exactly a caring aunt either. Anyway, I won't mind a bit if they don't come to my wedding. If I do get married that is. I know my dad is going to make a big deal out of this. So what? I'm used to his nonsense already.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, December 19, 2003 @ 9:11 am

Dear Blogger,

I felt so angry suddenly. It's like all the past stupidity came back to me with a vengeance.

I was angry with Din. I was angry with my dad. I was angry with my family. I was angry with my friends. I was angry with the government. Above it all, I was angry with myself.

I was angry with these people for the following reasons:

Din
• For not treating me like a girlfriend.
• For not spending more time with me.
• For not giving me the attention and affection that I crave.
• For repeatedly withdrawing my money, which I regularly save every month in our joint account, without my permission and knowledge.
• For making me feel horribly helpless everytime he turns on his charms.

Dad
• For feeding me with lies ever since I could understand what he was talking about.
• For belittling me everytime he has a chance to.
• For making me believe that I was all those terrible things he called me.
• For not giving me the support and encouragement when I needed them.
• For beating me up till I get bruises and rubber hose or belt marks on my body when I was younger.
• For hitting my head with a thick book (Shakespeare's collection of tragedies) because my PSLE aggregate score was not enough for RGS.
• For all the emotional and mental abuse inflicted on me since i was little.

Family
• For not being a family at all; We are strangers living under the same roof.

Friends
• For not understanding the complexities of what I'm going through.
• For not being there when I needed them.

Government
• For not approving the study loan that I so badly needed to further my studies.
• For imposing so many taxes and fees to so many things.
• For making owning a car an Einstein-like confusing matter.

Myself
• For being so weak.
• For being so naive.
• For being so nice.
• For being so generous.
• For being an idiot.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 18, 2003 @ 11:20 am

Dear Blogger,

Should I really buy a car? Is it worth it? I've almost decided what car to buy. It's glaringly obvious anyway. I can only afford the KIA Rio 1.3 manual. For a new car that is.

I mean if I see a car as just a form of transport, so yeah, that's the only car I can afford with my meagre wage.

However, if I car is like an accessory to upgrade my unhip life, then why stop at cars? Why not aim to buy a penthouse or a boat or something of that nature?

Or I could save that money for marriage. Marriage isn't cheap you know. People should start looking at marriage as an investment. Perhaps then, the divorce rate will drop.

It makes sense doesn't it? Why spend all that money, time and effort on someone when you'll end up divorced? I think this is just an immature way for guys to sow their seeds on unsuspecting virgins without breaking any civil or religious laws.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:34 am

Dear Blogger,

I don't know why I bother to eat something when I'll just throw it up. It's such a waste of money and money isn't something that I have right now. Sure I'll get my bonus and my pay tomorrow but 90% of it will go to paying for the car and bills.

The year's coming to an end. I didn't go to Bali. I didn't get a pay raise. I didn't go out and get myself a new boyfriend. So what the hell have I been doing all year???

Hmm... I finally got my driver's license but I crashed into a car 4 month's later. On Hari Raya no less!

I got to know a really cool guy but he didn't really like me in that way. He's still hung up on his ex. My on-off relationship with Din didn't help either.

I took up smoking again, with little resistance from everyone. Better cigarettes than alcohol. I was tempted to, at WOMAD. Bought a margarita for a guy I didn't even know and so prophetically said that we will never meet again. Darn! He was kind of cute. I just have to be right don't I?

My bulimia is more regular now. It has become habitual. I know it can be overcome, but do I want to? I think subconsciously, I don't. It's probably one of my weird fetish thingy.

Is there anything that I should be proud of? Hmm... Perhaps, I should be proud of all of them. Though they never ended the way I would like to, still, they're never boring.

People can call me stupid or whatever, but come to think of it, I'm living a much more colourful life than they are. By sort of coming out of the closet (lesbian? bisexual? heterosexual?), I guess I'm on a path of getting to know myself better and be best friends. That I guess is the best therapy I can give myself.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2003 @ 9:05 am

Dear Blogger,

Saddam Hussein has been caught. Why can't they just leave the old man alone? They meaning the US. They've messed up Iraq. Now they want to put an old man in jail.

Personally, I think the US is nothing but a big bully. They are just like the Brits that they were fighting against, centuries ago. They are now as much a colonialist as the Brits were centuries ago. Ironically, they hated the Brits for their colonialism. Go figure!

Something closer to home, I think Din has slowly come to his senses. He hasn't been taking me round the island though, but he's showing that he cares and all. That's enough for me now.

I'm taking it slower now. Breathing more and appreciating the beautiful things in life more. Forgotten how fast people are moving.

There are times in a person's life where you have to pace yourself. Speed isn't everything. Sometime's you just need to sit back, relax and have a good cup of coffee.

I'm doing that now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 11, 2003 @ 12:10 am

Dear Blogger,

another sad song...

Out of Reach - Gabrielle

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, December 09, 2003 @ 8:49 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm surrounded by idiots! My whole life, I've lived with idiots! I hate them. I despise them.I don't belong with them. I am totally out of place. How the hell did I end up with them???

I would like to say that my FATHER lied to me. Then again, that's nothing new. I've never known him to be anything but a liar. His latest lie had cost me $10,000 and my respect of him. Whatever respect I had of him is now wasted. He had given up. He wasn't the man I thought he was. He doesn't deserve my respect.

How could he do this to me?! How could he do this to his own daughter??? He wanted his own business. I supported him financially and what does he do? He closed that damn business barely 3 months in operation! What kind of business sense is that?! Who the hell does he think he is?! He expected to see profits after a few days??? My GOD!!! MEN!

$10,000! Even though it's some dead person's money but I had guarded it for a few years. I bled and I cried just guarding that money. But in one sick moment, it's gone. I hate him even more.

It just goes to show, my family is a bunch of losers. Where was the determination? Where was the perseverance? No wonder I'm such a screw up. I can't afford to be THE breadwinner of the household you know. I have my needs too. Still, I'm a woman. I'm the weaker sex. SHIT!

I HATE THEM ALL!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 08, 2003 @ 8:52 am

Dear Blogger,

I attended a Knowledge Management workshop at Temasek Polytechnic. Nostalgic moments. I miss school. I had fond memories as a student here. Seeing some of my lecturers here really was a delightful moment for me.

Walking along the corridor... looking in envy at the students... Gosh! I wish I could turn back time. I would think those were innocent times for me. I was idealistic, I was naive, but I was happy.

I had my nails done at Holland Village. It was the first time I had a manicure and pedicure. I hated it. I liked the massage though. I just hated the colours. I'm going to have the paints removed once I get back.

I'm so obsessed with buying a car that I've sacrified some expenses just to save money. There's not much to sacrifice though because I'm broke.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, December 05, 2003 @ 9:20 am

Dear Blogger,

I've been doing so well lately. I've not thought about US. I've not thought about IT. I've not thought about anything to do with BGR. I was becoming the woman whom I've always aspired to be.

I think the government is wrong. Who needs love and romance anyway??? They shouldn't spend so much money on promoting coupledom and familyhood. If they want babies, then just say so! All it needs is a man and a woman. Marriage not needed.

Why the need for more turmoil in your life? Who needs all that shit? I don't. I definitely don't. In fact, I'm so sick of it!

I know I've only had one relationship but that is more than enough for me. It's a case of "Once bitten, twice shy".

When I got home, I just wanted to cry. But I couldn't! It was as if I've no more tears in me. What I'm afraid of is that if I don't release it now, all that tension will blow up horribly one day. I don't want another nervous breakdown. Do you know how brain-draining that is???

I don't know what I've become. Everything is a mess! I wish I was in my teens again. No boyfriends, no money, just books. But I was happier. I felt richer somehow.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, December 04, 2003 @ 9:09 am

Dear Blogger,

This car thing has really occupied my mind. Not the accident, but the car that I hope to own. I've been studiously analysing the Classifieds and I've forked out whatever money I had left on a motoring magazine.

I'm dead broke. I'm left with only $20 on my spending account. $20!!! My next pay day won't arrive until 2 weeks later. Will there be a year-end bonus? I don't know.

I really need that bonus to pay off the damages. I've not received any quotation from any workshop. Maybe it was posted to Din's address. If it did, Din hasn't said anything.

In fact, he has been quietly withdrawing money from our account, which I have been religiously depositing every month! His deceit has caused the account to be left with only $4!!!

I know I should have closed that account ages ago. Or at least take away the ATM card. It sounds stupid but that's a test of his trustworthiness. He sure failed miserably.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, December 03, 2003 @ 1:23 am

Dear Blogger,

It's finally over. The fund-raising dinner that is. Everyone in the team is obviously relieved that it's over. We've raised over $3000. Don't know if that's sufficient though. None of my representatives came. I'm not surprised. They're not interested if it's not F.O.C.

I'm so tired and exhausted. My back's acting up again. Yet, I'm kind of fired up. To what, I don't know. I've been really proud of myself lately. I've been channelling my anger on my work and surprisingly, things got done! My reports were done on time. I'm clearing my in-tray. The best thing of all is that I'm knocking off at exactly 5:30pm (plus minus 10 minutes).

I've not worn my tudung for a few days now. People has given me unwanted glances but I don't care. Some of the staff are not talking but I don't care. I may look more aloof now but I don't care, as long as I get work done.

As you can see above, I want a car. I know I just had a car accident but it made me more determined to OWN a car. I guess it's because I know I couldn't rent from NTUC anymore. I don't care. Buying a car is not as easy as buying clothes. Why can't it be easy as buying clothes??? Why does it have to be so user-UNfriendly? Oh I get it! It's a man's thing!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, December 01, 2003 @ 8:46 am

Dear Blogger,

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I guess I've cried too much already. I couldn't help thinking that I should have died that night. I doubt anyone would be too concerned about me.

I know that I won't get it easy in the afterlife. I'll definitely be thrown into hell. I guess I'm destined for eternal suffering.

I'm no angel nor saint. I've never claimed to be. I know where I stand. I've talked to Him before. He wasn't too pleased. I don't blame Him.

I'm a weak person. Why does most people think that I'm strong??? If I'm strong, I wouldn't be like this. Oh yeah! I could hear everyone telling me that I CHOOSE to be like this. They're not in my shoes.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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