modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Saturday, November 29, 2003 @ 11:15 am

Dear Blogger,

I find myself not being interested in almost everything. In fact, I find myself not caring for most things.

I don't care if I don't go Hari Raya visiting like most deluded "Malay Muslims" do.

I don't care if I'm suddenly out of the society radar.

I don't care if nobody loves me anymore.

I don't care what those losers call me.

I don't care about the stares I get because I no longer wear the "tudung".

I don't care if people think I'm a butch or a lesbian because of my new very short haircut.

I don't care if I'll never get married and never have kids of my own.

I don't care if I'm not on the pill anymore because I'm giving up sex altogether.

I don't care if I don't have a successful future.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 28, 2003 @ 8:56 am

Dear Blogger,

I asked my stylist to cut my hair very, very short. She looked aghast. I don't know why she looked aghast. Why does anyone have to look shocked when I want my hair cut short? It's as if I've committed blasphemy!

I'm still pissed at the crap I'm getting from some people. I've already said that the last thing I needed to hear is an "I told you so" speech. I hated that!

I made the report to NTUC this morning. Finally. It was an ordeal which I will no doubt forget in no time. Hated the place. Hated the people too.

I was fasting today till 4pm. I had to break my fast because my headache was getting worse. I don't get headache's often. Today my head just kept spinning and spinning.

I decided to turn in early. I wasn't in the mood to be social and surrounded by people who try to help you.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2003 @ 3:17 pm

Dear Blogger,

Why does everyone think that by yelling and telling me "I told you so" will make things better for me??? Did it ever occur in their unused brain that I've already done that to myself endless times???

Why is it that people think that the best way to communicate with a depressed and suicidal person is to nag at her? Is that what they were taught or that they are clueless to dealing with a person like that?

I may not be a divorcee or I may not have 2 kids in my ex-other half's custody but I do have my own problems, which I'm having a hard time dealing and understanding.

Don't they realise that the more they do that to me, the worse I become. I fall deeper into the black hole. On normal days, I'm already a sensitive person. Imagine what it's like when I'm not normal.

I need a comforting voice. I need a soothing touch. I guess it's not Asian culture or perhaps Malay culture to treat depression like any other sickness. Life is so shitty when everyone assumes that you're stupid. Well, I guess I might as well BE stupid.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 2:38 pm

Dear Blogger,

A day after the accident, I'm still in a daze. I didn't come home last night. The pressure at home was getting on to me. I couldn't take it anymore.

So I got dressed, went out the door, despite the puzzled stares of guests, and headed towards the nearest Starbucks.

I bought a grande Caramel Frappuccino. Signed up to be a member of the Starbucks family and now I'm waiting for one of the managers to call.

I took the train down to Kallang. I walked to my 2nd home. I don't know why I went there. I just let my feet do the walking. My brain took a back seat.

Din joined me later. Perhaps it was a mistake to let him join me. Perhaps I was better off alone. He left in the morning, leaving me here on my own. I couldn't cry for him anymore. The tears seem to have dried up.

I have all my pills with me. A deadly cocktail of pills. I haven't taken any yet. I'm tempted. How scandalous would it be for the police to find my cold body, naked, on the bed? Stuff from the movies.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2003 @ 2:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was in a car accident last night. I couldn't remember what happened that led to the accident. I really couldn't.

I remembered driving home from Din's place. It was 3am. I took the route that passes Bedok Reservoir park. Usually, I take the Upper Changi Road route. I thought this new route would be shorter.

I remembered driving along SAFRA. After that, I couldn't remember anything. It was as if I had a blackout. What happened then, I heard some glasses smashing and my glasses was thrown off. I saw Shell. I saw people. All I could think of was my glasses. I couldn't see without my glasses. Then, I realised that I had crashed into another car.

The other driver was Malay. He thought I was Chinese. He thought I was drunk. I had lost my senses and my ability to speak. Everywhere I looked seemed like a dream. It wasn't so clear. There were all these men talking at once. I didn't know what they were talking about.

I called Din. I told him I was in an accident. His first words were "Where?". Not "Are you alright?" or "Are you hurt?". I waited for him at the sidewalk. I didn't know what to do. I was completely lost in my own world.

He came. He looked at the car. He looked at me. There was no concern on his face. There was only worry about the car. Then, I just broke down. I couldn't stop it. I just cried and cried like a little girl.

Nobody came and offered a shoulder of comfort. Not even him. He just told me repeatedly to stop crying. I CAN'T STOP CRYING!!! If I could, I would have. Why can't he understand that?!

I was so mad at him at one point, I almost exploded. It took a great deal of effort to restrain myself.

At that point, I wished I had died in the car. I wished that my head had smashed against the window or something. I would rather be dead than live with all this.

There was so much consequences that I really didn't know what to do. First of all, I was driving illegally. I can drive legally but the car I was driving wasn't mine. It was a rented car and I'm not supposed to drive it. Secondly, the damages was so huge. I don't know if I can affort to pay for it. Thirdly, I don't know if I can get over this.

I had ruined Hari Raya for everyone. My family expected a car this morning. I couldn't deliver.

Nobody will ever get to see how beautiful I would have looked in my new baju kurung. Nobody will ever see me drive again.

My confidence was badly shaken. I may not be physically hurt but there's a scar in my mind that will stay forever.

I called my brother. He came and looked at the damages. I left my things with him. I walked home. It wasn't very far.

I went to my doctor. It was along the way. There were no other patients around. I didn't know why I went to him. I guess I expected some medication to calm me down. I told him what happened. The best medicine he gave was a listening ear and a pat on my hand. It was a simple gesture but that was the nicest thing anyone had done that night. He prescribed some sleeping pills and something to lower my high blood pressure.

He told me not to worry because accidents happen all the time. He said that important thing was that I was unhurt. He added that I should count my blessings that I was alive.

Blessing??? What's so blessed about being alive and having to face the consequences?! I would rather DIE!

This is my punishment for all the sins I've done. HE is punishing me. I don't know if I could carry on with living. Everything is a blur right now. I've received SMSes the whole morning asking me if I'm OK. I will never be OK. Never.

If I ever do something stupid, I'm sorry. But there's a reason for my stupidity. It's hard for other people to understand what I'm going through but I forgive them. I never said I was an easy person to understand.

I'm sorry.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 24, 2003 @ 10:03 am

Dear Blogger,

I know I'm going to get a lot of flak for writing this. But I don't care. I think the Malay society (I don't even dare to say Malay-Muslim) is killing itself.

They are living in an age where Malay women should remain soft-spoken and be housewifey material. Despite the change in fashion and income, Malay men are still hypocrites.

The Malay society in whole has not changed much. They refused to accept criticisms in their own society and because of this, they have not progressed much.

Me being outspoken as I am, is the black sheep of the Malay society. I'm regarded as too Westernised and my ideas are radical.

The common Malay men and women are too daft to realise their own mistakes. Yet, they are jealous of those in the other races for being too advanced, too smart and too rich.

Who's fault is it? You can't say it's the government although they always blame the government. For god's sake! Open your bloody eyes and ears. It's not the Chinese or the Indians who are stepping all over us. It's us Malays who are stepping over ourselves!

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't born a Malay. I think I'm more Chinese than Malay. I'm even ASHAMED to be Malay. We are given as much opportunities as others, so why are we doing this to ourselves?

Sincerely,
modgirl.

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@ 9:12 am

Dear Blogger,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI!!!

I don't do all that forgiveness crappy stuff. What's the point? You make such a fuss seeking forgiveness to everyone, then you make the same bloody mistake the same day.

The way I see it, seeking forgiveness on Hari Raya morning has become more of a formality. It shouldn't! You should mean what you say.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 21, 2003 @ 12:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

Last night was simply wonderful. I have no words to describe last night's events. He was wonderful. I felt beautiful. Gosh... the night was simply magic.

We joked, we teased, we laughed.

We made slow, affectionate love in the bathtub, on the bed, on the bike.

We kissed. We fondled. We licked the chocolate off our bodies.

We moaned. We groaned. We sweat.

We slept in each others arms. Our legs holding on to each other's bodies.

He snored. I didn't care. I was lost in his embrace. How I wished time would just stood still for that moment.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, November 20, 2003 @ 10:42 am

Dear Blogger,

Din is acting weird again. He called me 3 nights ago. He called me 2 nights ago. He called me yesterday (in the office no less!). I haven't received any calls or messages from him today. It's most likely that he's asleep.

OK, so what's so weird about him calling me? He NEVER called before!!! And his messages were like, "Hi dear, how are you?", "Good night love you", etc etc etc. He even messaged me when he was working!

Last night, he asked me what I was doing, even though he knew that I was having a meeting with my youth group. I told him about the meeting earlier in the afternoon. I didn't tell that it was going to be held at Swensen's though.

Anyway, it was already about 10pm when he asked me that. Then, he went all worried and concerned and said that it was getting late and he didn't like it if his girl is out late. I swear to God my first reaction to that message was of a joke.

If this is his idea of a surprise, well... it's working. I will never understand those born with a penis. They're hot one minute, cold the next. To think that it was us women who invented PMS. Geez!

For the past 2 weeks, I've been havign after-office hours meetings. It gets really tiring because by the time I get to my bed, it would be past midnight already.

Then, there's the early morning breakfast I have to tolerate. OK, maybe tolerate isn't the appropriate word to use. Besides, at 4:30 in the morning, it's the only time I get to share a decent meal with my family.

Ironically, I can't seem to remember much on what I've done at work. It seemed like I've not done any work at all. It's like time stood still in the office. Nothing happened in the office. Still, I'm dog-tired after that! Go figure.

Maybe it's the end of the year thingy. People don't usually "work" at the end of the year. Everyone's feeling partyie and holidayie.

Saw an ad on a foam party at Sentosa today. Tempted to go but it all vanished when the party was happening this weekend. Shucks! I had already pictured myself going there half-naked and just frolicking with soapy bubbles. Darn!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 17, 2003 @ 12:26 am

Dear Blogger,

I received a wedding invitation this afternoon. It was from a former schoolmate of mine. Her sister is getting married. I don't understand how I could be invited because I don't even know her sister. Besides, I HATE weddings. They are depressing events to go to for a love-challenged person like me.

I was at the Bazaar Geylang last Friday with my friends and my sister. The crowds are getting bigger but that doesn't mean more sales for the vendors.

Along the way looking for a parking lot, I saw a new Hotel 81 branch along Joo Chiat. It's called Sakura and as the name suggested, it's japaness-themed. The interior decor looked nice. I made a mental note to patronise this hotel one of these days.

I met my err... ex-scandal/crush... hmmm... I don't know what to call him, on Friday night. He came over to my place to return my installer. I must admit, I was kind of nervous to see him again. Nervous because I don't want to give him any signs of encouragement or opportunity to repeat history. I don't want to go back there again. He looked nice though in his scrambler look. He looked younger. We didn't stay for a chit chat. I didn't want to but I did apologise to him after via SMS. I really must be careful of my moves when I'm feeling vulnerable.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day in Batam with my youth group. I managed to buy some packets gf spicy potato chips. It cost $15 for 1 kg of the same chips in Singapore. It cost me $5 for the ones I've bought.

After reaching Singapore at about 8pm, my youth group and I went to Bazaar Geylang, again! It's even worse than on Friday night. My oxygen supply nearly got cut when I walked into the Bazaar. Bodies within chest distance left, right, front and back. I really do hate crowds. The air at 1.6m is not fresh at all. I shall not even go to the body odour. PHEEWWWWWW!!!

The good thing about my youth group is that, there are no romantic implications involved. Sure, there are cute guys in the group but for once, I don't feel the need to flirt with anyone. Maybe all this self-talk about lesbianism really helps!

I wanted to go over to that hotel since I was already in the area. But Din didn't want to. According to him, he had to help his mum with the Hari Raya preparations. I'm so tired of rejection. It's really something which is not needed in life. Well... it's his loss. I'm becoming more and more disinterested in sex and relationships and guys.

With each rejection, I don't see the need why I'm obliged to spend my life serving my time and energy to a gender who obviously does not appreciate it. I don't need to get married, have children or build my own family. Besides, I think being single is the best thing anyone could do to prevent more heartaches and disappointments to our future generation.

I wasn't born in the "right" family, so I missed a lot of opportunities. I didn't get to exercise my fullest potentials because I didn't get a chance at those opportunities. I was bitter. I am still bitter. But I'm living with it. I'm just an ordinary girl with big dreams.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 14, 2003 @ 10:42 am

Dear Blogger,

I have writer's block. I can't seem to write. Therefore, I could not update. Who am I kidding? These are just excuses. Even though I'm not obliged to log in here daily, I still feel like I should update it daily. I should stay true to my journals.

What can I say? Hmmm... Meetings, meetings, meetings. Not work meetings but meetings with my youth group. Can't say I'm tired of it. I'm just bored. I think it's a case of over-exposure.

We're busy preparing for the upcoming fund-raising dinner to be held at Apollo Centre. Don't know where that is. I guess the organising committee couldn't find an available ballroom.

I was in the publicity team meeting last night. I should have just refused to attend. It was such a test of my patience! Halfway through the meeting, I just drifted away.

There's also this girl in the team who really gets on my nerves. I tried to be accomodating but I guess she was born that way. Honest! I really tried! I know I'm not a social butterfly but I really, really tried!

It's Friday and I'm bored. You know how much I hate being bored. I couldn't think of anything to do! Don't know where to go. Don't know what to do. I mean I can do pretty much everything on my own. But I DON'T want to be on my own!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2003 @ 1:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

That psycho is back. Wait! He has never gone away. I don't know who he thinks he is but he's been going around telling everyone that he's my ex. AS IF!!!

Everyone knows, either from me or by reading my blogs religiously, that I DON'T have any ex. I'm still with Din, whether he deserves it or not. So what is HIS problem?!

He's really a pain. He deserves to get his neck twisted like a rubber chicken. Maybe he's sore that he isn't getting any from his wife. Perhaps his wife prefers to give it to someone else. Haha. It's possible you know.

Whatever it is, I believe in retribution. I believe that you get what you deserve twice over! If he was born a Jackass, well, then it's too bad. Here's a thought! He was born with a SMALL PENIS!!! *LOL* No wonder he's such a SHIT!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 10, 2003 @ 4:17 pm

Dear Blogger,

I heard Him. He said He loved me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:50 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm crying again. I really don't know why. The tears just started streaming down my cheeks. I even had an image of Death!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't believe in wishes but sometimes I wish that I could have met someone whom I could talk anything to. I don't want a partner who listens in one ear and lets go of it in another ear. I don't want a partner who goes "hmm" all the time. I want someone who listens to me. Listens.

I don't have many friends who do that. In fact, I don't think I have any. I can't talk to anyone without coming of as a "freaking pretentious shit" as someone had said before.

I can't help it if I think too much and too deep. I can't help it if I feel what others don't feel. I can't help it if I was born a weido. It's not like I have a choice of how I want myself to be. This is not Gattaca.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, November 08, 2003 @ 12:04 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm a beaten soul.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:53 am

Dear Blogger,

Why are men such bastards? Why am I so stupid?! I keep doing the same thing over and over again! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

I asked him if he wanted to go to Bazaar Geylang tonight. I asked him last night but he only replied a few hours ago that he's having dinner with his cousin's family.

I know that family is important, but so am I. We hardly see each other and when we do see each other, it's always in his room or in some hotel's room. I hate that! I want to be NORMAL!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, November 07, 2003 @ 9:43 am

Dear Blogger,

The moon's full already! I was damned surprised to see it last night. I thought it would be next week. Shit! Not that it's not gorgeous or anything. The moon is always a sight to look at.

When I saw the moon last night, I had this mental image that I'll slowly transform into some kind of a beast. First, my body hairs will grow longer. Then, my ears. Then, a snout. My teeth. My claws or paws or whatever. I think I watched too many monster movies already.

Only weirdos like me will be affected by a full moon. I know I won't be horny this week because I'd already done it a few nights ago. It sucks being horny and having no one to have a go at.

I keep having this image in my mind that I'm being bitten by a vampire. I know it's an erotic image but does it have to be replayed countless times in my head???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, November 06, 2003 @ 12:33 pm

Dear Blogger,

Guess what time I came to work today? 12pm!!! My boss is on leave so I called up my 2nd boss and told him that I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. To be honest, I was just too tired to wake up early. I finally woke up at 10am.

OK OK. I admit. I did have some late night activities. I had to drag myself home at 2am. I finally reached home at 3am. Who was I was with? Who else?

I was really stressed out yesterday, so I didn't feel like going home early. Me and my girlfriend went to Max Brenner's Chocolate Bar after break fast and simply indulge in the oh-so-good milk chocolate drink. That's one hell of a stress-reliever food.

I don't know why I told Din that I'm not coming home tonight. Despite what he's done to me, I feel obliged to let him know of my whereabouts. I mean, in case I don't come back alive, at least there's someone who knows where I was.

When he asked me where I was going, I told him that I want to destress at our 2nd home for awhile. That got him really excited. You should have seen him beg me for companionship. He was really like a lost puppy! Of course I wouldn't let him in that easy. It was so much fun going round in circles with him. Hehe.

The Ring was on telly last night. I've never watched The Ring before. I must say it was quite a good movie, although not much of a plot. And the ending really sucks! I guess the director wanted it to be a cliffhanger for a sequel. Still, it could have been done better. The scene where the freaky Sadako (long hair, white dress) crawled out of the telly was really first rate creepy. That scene is definitely going to be replayed in my head for years.

I'm not going to divulge too much on the sex details last night. It was the same old thing but he was really horny last night. Early in our courtship, the average number of rounds we usually do is four. Now, it's just one. But last night, he wanted to go on all night! Gosh! I was already so tired after the first round, I couldn't imagine doing it for another round. But, he always gets his way. Not that I'm complaining of course.

Oh! I bought him a Calvin Klein boxers too. It looked really nice on him. I love boxers on men. Briefs? No-no! I know I know. I should stop buying him stuff! It's really hard you know. That's what I do when I like someone.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, November 05, 2003 @ 12:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

I really don't feel like working today but here I am in the office crying my eyes out.
What the hell am I doing here? But would I do if I'm not in the office? I really don't know. Where would I go?

I can't idle at a cafe because I'm fasting. I can't smoke either. What can I do then? Cry. That seems to be the only thing I'm capable of doing nowadays. It's tiring and it's making my eyes sore. Has anyone ever been blinded by tears? That only happens in the movies right?

I just... I don't know what I want! AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 11:14 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm starting to regret having sex. I try not to regret it. I try not to regret anything. Regret is not a good friend of mine. It's just like fire. When it's small it's good but when it gets too big, it's a disaster.

Sex changes everything. Why is it that men equates sex as love? I don't quite agree with John Gray when he said that men become vulnerable to their feelings in a moment of lust.

Men and feelings are like bulls and china. They don't go together. Once they do, it's nothing but broken pieces of china. The only feeling men have is a hard-on. They are dictated by their dicks or ding dongs as The Rock so eloquently put it in the Rundown.

I was a strong opponent of pre-marital sex. What happened? I guess I became disillusioned. When anyone asks me if I like sex, I answered no. I don't like sex. I like the BEFORE and AFTER sex. Sex gets boring after awhile. It has lost its mystic.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, November 04, 2003 @ 9:17 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm sitting on the cold, tiled floor of the viewing mall. I love the airport. I used to come here a lot. Of course I avoid it during the exam seasons. Students come here to study. But they don't really study. They only make a lot of noise.

I walked from the hospital to the MRT station. It's about 20 minutes walk, depending on how fast you walk. I didn't know how long I walked. I didn't feel anything. I didn't see anything either. My legs just went on auto mode.

I try not to cry in the train. I allowed my tears to flow while I was walking. Nobody could see you. But in the train people can see you. They have nothing else to see BUT you.

My phone rang a distinctive SWAT theme song 3 times. I didn't answer it. I knew who it was. He doesn't deserve to talk to me.

I threw up the mash potato and fried chicken I just had. I wasn't hungry anyway. I don't know why I waste my money on food when I'm not hungry. I end up throwing up.

I wish I could be in one of those planes. I don't care where it goes. I just want to be anywhere but here.

As I looked in the mirror in my room, I saw a very ugly person looking back at me. I am ugly. I was not moulded in the conventional beauty frame. I lied to myself when I think of myself as desirable. I'm not. I'm not desirable at all. I doubt there's any guys out there who fantasizes about me. I am best stayed invisible. I'm a wallflower destined to blend with the wall.

I kissed my teddybear goodnight. He's the only reliable companion I have right now. It's ironic because he was given to me by none other than that unreliable SOB. All I asked for is a little attention and affection from the man I love. Is that too much to ask for?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, November 03, 2003 @ 4:48 pm

Dear Blogger,

For ONCE, I'd like us to be a normal couple. Am I too hideous to be seen in public with him? Am I such an embarrassment to him? What?!

I asked him countless times to have dinner with me. No response! Why the fuck am I still with him?! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Yeah I have my mood swings. Yeah I have my tantrums. But do I deserve this? Dear God, just take me away from this misery. My patience is wearing thin. Very thin. If I ever were to regain my sanity, I have to go away. Just take me away from here.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:50 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm sick today. OK. I know I'm sick EVERY day but I'm down with a cold today. I don't know how or from whom I caught it from but I'm down.

I thought I could get an MC but I didn't have a fever. I didn't want to waste my money on consultation fees so now I'm at work, feeling miserable. I'm damn sure I'm going to infect the whole office with this cold.

I slept quite late last night. I knew I shouldn't have that tall cappuccino last night but it's been awhile since I had caffeine in my system.

I couldn't sleep but I couldn't find anyone to talk to. So I ended up crying. Hey, what's new?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, November 02, 2003 @ 3:12 pm

Dear Blogger,

I did nothing but sleep this weekend. I guess I needed the sleep. Of course, I woke up with a splitting headache but that's temporary.

I spoke to this guy, a police officer too, early in the mornings. He's not like any other guys I've known. He's what I called a bad lot. I got a taste of his bad side this morning when his words were filled with vulgarities.

That's such a turn off I think. Too bad. I thought we could get along just fine. Unlikely now.

That's not the worse thing. The way he treats women is really repulsive. No respect at all. I can't be with a man who doesn't respect women.

Din wanted it last night. I wanted it too but I couldn't. I don't know why I couldn't. I'm confused. He's confused. I pity him. I wanted him badly but something is stopping me.

I asked him what if I became pregnant. He got panicky. One of these days, I will find myself in that situation. Under no circumstances will I go for an abortion. I will be a single mother, no matter how ostracised that status is. I just can't live with a man who is not happy.

When will I ever be happy? When will be saviour come? I feel like I'm running against time. I'm only 23 but i cry whenever I see babies! I'm going crazy.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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