modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Friday, October 31, 2003 @ 4:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel like killing myself. I just feel like either slashing my wrists or jumping down my block.

I feel like life has no meaning already. I just can't feel or see the meaning anymore.

FUCK man!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:06 am

Dear Blogger,

It's the 5th day of Ramadan. I have been a really good girl. No hanky panky business. No nonsense coming from me. The only sore point in my good record is that I've not gone for the Terawih prayers yet.

I've not had a chance to break fast at home. I couldn't! By the time I reach home, I broke my fast either in the bus or in the office.

Sometimes, I don't know what I've done at work. On some days, I managed to accomplish one task in 14 hours. On some days, several tasks. Then there are those days which I've not accomplished anything.

3 days after our 2nd anniversary, I've not heard anything from him. Neither have I bothered to make myself heard. If he wants something, he knows where to find me. Just give it a few more days. He'll miss me.

I went to the Geylang Serai bazaar last night. I know it's early but I felt like going there. There's nothing unique about the bazaar this year. It's the same every year. But you can't help notice the ample floor space available this year. Apparently, there are not many traders this year.

I saw this really cool cushion cover at one of the stalls. I wanted to buy them but at $8.90 per piece, it's too steep for me. It's silk and and oriental designs. They would like great in my room and in the office.

I also came face to face with Aaron Aziz, the local small-screen heartthrob. He was with his wife at Tanjong Katong Complex. It's amazing to see how a minor celebraty can invite such vile among us commoners. He even managed to get the crowd to make way for him as he walked! Simply amazing.

I almost bumped into Daniel Ong last night. He was with his girlfriend. He was almost unrecognisable. I didn't know he could grow a goatee.

Thank god this year I don't have to worry about clothes. My baju kurung is ready for collection in JB. Besides, I doubt I'll be doing any house visits this year. Just like last year's. Hari Raya is never the same again when you have and invisible boyfriend.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2003 @ 1:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's our anniversary today. We've turned 2 years old. I think he's forgotten about it. I'm not surprised. Or it could be that he's not bothered about it. That's sad.

I don't expect flowers or chocolates or diamond rings. A simple happy anniversary note is good enough for me. I have received none.

Oh God. Please don't cry. Please don't cry. You expected this didn't you?

On our last anniversary, we went to KL. We had an OK time. That was the last time I saw him before he was abducted by aliens.

Maybe guys change after the 1st anniversary. Maybe all that romance and the cat and mouse game wears off after the 1st anniversary.

The 1st year is when the fun is. If you've managed to still be stuck to each other after the 1st year, you've succeeded.

So the 2nd year, you don't have to do much because you're practically married to each other already.

Men. How stupid can they be? And I'm even more stupid to hang on to him. By the way, I don't need anyone to remind me of my stupidity. I'm aware of it.

But I love that bastard. What can I say? Love is blind, deaf and mute.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 27, 2003 @ 9:50 am

Dear Blogger,

Today is the first day of Ramadan, so I really have to be a good girl. That sounds like a joke doesn't it? But I really have to. Serious!

Last night, I had a really good time with Din. The sex was OK. Nothing to shout about but I did have a good time.

I don't know if he's comfortable with me smoking. He sure didn't say much about it. He knows I'm smoking now but I guess he let me because he's smoking too. Besides, I don't smoke a pack a day. Just a stick.

I let him do all the talking. I didn't want to bring up any issues which might make both of us regret ourselves. Also, the anti-depressants did subdue me somehow. I'm beginning to learn that silence can be advantageous.

On Saturday, I went for my company's D&D. Din didn't join me. He had to work. That was his excuse anyway. I was too used to his excuses to feel any anger.

I brought my girlfriend along. I still had 1 more guest ticket. Originally, I bought 2 guest tickets, for 2 guests obviously. But these 2 guests fell out so I was stuck with $120 worth of tickets.

The D&D was OK. I seem to be saying OK a lot these days, don't I? The MC for the night was hilarious. Better than last year's. But the programme highlights lack the punch of last year's.

We headed off to Chijmes after that. I didn't want to join in the crowd at China Jump. So we sat outside and ordered a drink.

Something was missing on Saturday night. It was the crowd. Where was the crowd??? It sure didn't feel like Saturday night. My theory was that the kids are cramming for their exams.

I'm not a clubber. I never was. But sometimes you just need to chill.

Another thing I find annoying about clubs is that you hear tales about how that is the place to hook up with the opposite sex. Oddly enough, you don't experience that here. At least I don't. It must be the Singaporean male lack of initiave.

I got to go. I have lots of work to do. Work work work...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 23, 2003 @ 8:54 am

Dear Blogger,

I heard this song on the radio on my way to the hospital this morning. I love this song. This is one of my favourite Elvis' song.

Always on My Mind

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind


Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2003 @ 10:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm crying again. I don't know why I'm crying but I'm crying. Make it stop. Please.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm feeling lonely again. The sight of those young couples in public really bothers me. I wanted to be like them. I wanted the old times back. I hate it now!

Is there anyone out there coz it's getting harder and harder to breathe ~ Maroon 5. How quaint that this song was playing in my ear when I was feeling suffocated just now.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

I saw it in his face last night. He's unhappy. But I don't know what he's unhappy about. Is it me? Is it us? It reminds me of this song, "You've lost that loving feeling". Somehow, the tune just rang in my head when I looked at him last night. I missed the old Din. I really do.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being pulled at all sides. One side wants me to go away. Another side wants me to stay. Then, there's the other side which wants me go AND stay. I just don't know what to do.

As I was riding pillion last night, a guy called me. I answered it because I already had my earpiece attached. I guess I must have said it out loud because he heard me saying to this guy that I was with a friend. A friend. Not my boyfriend but a friend. I don't know what he was thinking then but I could see that he was hurt. He knew I was talking to a guy. It's just that I don't know who this guy was!

Will I find happiness? People say that you can find happiness within you. If only they could see what's inside me. It's a tornado of emotions in there. I wouldn't want to go in there. It's pretty scary stuff.

Lately, I've gone back to my imaginary friend. You'd think only kids would do that. This imaginary friend of mine is rich, handsome and a gentleman. He's also a daredevil. We are fond of each other. Too fond. Almost sexually sometimes. He's always there for me when I'm not well. He takes me to places which I can only dream of. Then again, we're talking about my imagination here. Gosh I wish he exists.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 20, 2003 @ 9:43 am

Dear Blogger,

I went to Batam on Saturday for an English lesson. I wasn't teaching but assisting in the lesson. I wasn't in a good mood because I've been bored out of my wits since Friday. Also, Din was in Melaka with his pals.

He told me that he was in Melaka when he was already in Melaka. Doesn't he have any respect for me at all??? I can't believe he didn't tell me beforehand that he made plans to go away with his work buddies. Furthermore, he didn't even tell me when he was coming home. How could any girlfriend not become upset with this kind of behaviour???

Anyway, I went to the office on Saturday to clear up some things. It was my off day by the way. I went to the Harbourfront by NEL. I've not grown fond of NEL. Maybe because I'm used to the SMRT. Besides, I don't take the NEL often. I've no reason to.

I met my team members at the boarding lounge. I was on time. However, we missed the ferry because one of the members turned up late. We missed it by one bloody minute. Yeah. One bloody minute.

So, we had to wait another hour at the boarding lounge. This isn't the airport. At least, at Changi, there were shops or facilities to keep us occupied. At the Harbourfront, the transit needs drastic improvement.

I was tempted to buy some crackers and chocolates at the one and only duty-free store in there. But I couldn't make up my mind whether I should be spending money. Afterall, I busted my budget big time. I was hungry. I haven't eaten anything since Friday. So, the crackers and chocolates were very tempting.

The English lesson was OK. A little boring though. Or it could be just me. I couldn't seem to shake myself out of this boredom. I just wanted to be back in Singapore even though I had no plans and no boyfriend. I couldn't even call the other guys because I shouldn't. Anyway, I didn't feel like making out with anyone.

So, I messaged my girlfriend if she wanted to chill at Clarke Quay. I don't know why I suggested that place. I don't drink and that's a place where you should be drinking. I wanted to smoke in public. I had my unopened Menthol Light hardpack in my bag but no lighter in sight. Actually, that wasn't mine. It's his.

I got to Clarke Quay at about 8pm. Touched up a bit. There's no way I'm going there with my scarf on. I didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb. I wanted to remain inconspicuous. Met my girlfriend at 9pm. Had dinner at one of the roadside stalls there, which ironically, was owned by a Caucasion. I was ashamed to admit that I was open-mouthedly gawking at the owner because he was taking our orders. That had never happened to me. You hardly see the owner of an eatery going hands-down on the operations, let alone a Caucasion. What is the world coming to?

I had Singapore noodles, which tasted good. Then again, I hadn't had anything for more than 24 hours. I still wanted pasta though. So, I had lasagna a few hours later at the Coffee Connection. The coffee was bitter and strong, but good. I know I'd still fall asleep later. Caffeine doesn't work for me anymore.

My girlfriend and I were talking about men, as usual. There was this particular married acquaintance of ours who were in really deep, boiling soup. Apparently, his wife read his SMS from a devoted "girlfriend" of his in the middle of the night. Sometimes, the best crooks were caught by the silliest mistakes.

Even in a troubled situation like this, he was trying to hook me up! What nerve! Thank God, I wasn't up for it. Some people just don't learn from their mistakes.

Why are men so insensitive? OK, I don't want to make sweeping statements so I shall rephrase that. Why are the men in my life so insensitive? Have I been a bad girl? I think not, even though I'm tempted to.

He wanted me to meet him last night. He said he was coming home about 10pm. I told him, by then, I'd be too tired to go anywhere, let alone have sex! He did call me last night. I think he was already home by then. I didn't expect him to call. I was almost in dreamland when he called. The drug was already taking me over and I think he could hear that in my voice. I couldn't remember what I said to him but I remember his saying that I should go to sleep.

I was woken up a few hours later. I so badly wanted him to hold me. I messaged him about it but there was no reply. So I assumed he was already asleep. Too bad.

Sometimes, I wondered why does growing up have to be so difficult. No wonder adults keep saying how they wish they were kids again. If only it was that easy.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, October 17, 2003 @ 6:02 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's a really boring day today. No dates. No action. Nothing. It's a Friday and I've no plans. It SUCKS man! Big time! I hate days like these. I don't expect anyone to ask me out because hardly anyone ever ask me out on a date. Even since I was single and available. I guess I'm not the type to be asked out on a date. I've always been the one doing the asking. Really pathetic.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 16, 2003 @ 8:39 pm

Dear Blogger,

I don't know what's wrong with me this week. I'm coming on to guys whom I shouldn't be in the first place.

There's this guy whom I've been hitting on for the past 2 weeks. The SMS we've sent each other is truly scandalous. I've met him through the youth group which I've recently joined. He's quit the group by the way.

So what's wrong about that? He's married. I can't believe I'm hitting on a married guy! What the hell is wrong with me?!

He's kinda cute. He's in his late 20s. Too bad his married though. He's a father too. He has a young daughter. I assumed his daughter is still very young.

I couldn't stop thinking about him these last few days. I've even told him blatantly that I want to have a go with him. Sexually.

I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm such a good girl so why am I doing this? To a married person some more. I don't want to be the cause of a marital breakdown.

I should stop this now. I shall not contact him anymore. This is ridiculous. Well, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

If only Din had been more attentive to my needs. Then I won't be doing this kind of nonsense.

I told him I hated him. At that point in time, I really meant it. I hated him for making me feel so worthless and so unwanted.

I'm neither beautiful nor a charmer. Nobody would look at me that way. I'm just too plain to be noticed. Sometimes I hate to be me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:18 am

Dear Blogger,

My date on Tuesday proved to be a disappointment. Why? I tell you why. He showed up late. He didn't even bother to be well-dressed. And he has the nerve to ask for some money from me! After 30min of cordial introduction, I left and headed home. That's it!

But you know what? I think he told his friends that we headed off to some hotel and fucked our brains off. Yeah right! For all I know, he might have a really small dick. That's such a turn-off.

I'd be nice to anyone who's nice to me but don't ever cross me. I can be very scary if you lie about me. I remember everything that's worth remembering. So don't ever underestimate me.

That's said and done, I didn't do much yesterday. Guess what time I slept? 8pm! I had a puff before I went to Z land. Gosh! That felt good. I know it's bad for my health. Then again, all this mental pressure is bad for my health too. It's not like I can quit smoking. I'm not even addicted to it.

I don't feel horny today. I guess that phase had passed over. God has a funny way of delivering His messages. In the past few days, He had shown some signs warning me that what I was about to do was WRONG! I thank Him for that. You see. I knew He's always there for me even though I've not been a really good believer in Him.

I'm bloody hungry. I didn't have dinner last night. I threw up yesterday's lunch and there wasn't much to eat at yesterday's Quality Carnival. Singaporeans go crazy over free stuff, especially food. Even though the buffet was meant for the Quality Carnival's participants, you could see other staff joining the queue. They think they have a share in it just because they work in the same building!

When I was waiting at the clinic this morning, my mind drifted off to Din's dick. Hehe. I guess I missed him. I refused to meet him yesterday. As usual, he asked me to come over for lunch but I wasn't in the mood for some quickie action. I wanted romance. He just couldn't understand that concept!

I wish he'd understand that sex is NOT equal to love. Obviously sex with him is different than with other guys. I know that for sure even though I haven't done it with other guys. Still, I want our time spent not just having sex but doing other stuff, just like in the old days.

We'd go out after work. Go check out some stuff or watch movies. Things like what other couples normally do. I really miss that. I don't care about the sex. It's the companionship that I miss most. We'd talk hours on the phone till late at night. We'd tease each other silly. Call me a silly romantic but that's what I want and if he's smart, that's what motivates a good "performance" in me.

I'm hungry. Not just for food. But for attention. I think I deserve some attention, don't you? I've been a really good girl so I deserve something in return.

It'll be our 2nd anniversary soon. I doubt he will remember it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2003 @ 6:13 pm

Dear Blogger,

My neck and shoulders are aching like mad. Is it my sitting posture? Or is my desk setting not ergonimically-friendly? Hmmm... Can I claim workmen compensation for my strain neck and shoulders?

I agreed to let a friend of mine help me wif my aching neck and shoulders. But the reason my conscience have not stopped nagging at me is that he's married. And I know he wants to do more than just the neck and shoulders. I just couldn't do it even though I was bored with the lack of sexual activities.

I think I'm just too nice a person. What's wrong with me?! I'm good so why do I want to be bad??? Maybe because I'm rebellious in nature. It's all HIS fault! If he hadn't been too busy for me, I wouldn't be in this state.

I was going to meet another guy last night. For some hanky panky business. But he had other urgent matters. Phew! I think that's God's way of telling me that it's NOT RIGHT! We've arranged to meet tonight. When will I ever learn??? *shaking head*

Din's off for football practice, leaving me virtually aching for some company tonight. That's why I agreed to meet this guy. He's not married (thank God!) but he's a player. I've just realised that I've never done any of this nonsense before.

I mean my last dangerous liason wasn't exactly a no strings attached thing. We were fond of each other but we knew that we'd only hurt each other if we carried on with the affair. So, the setting was different.

Should I go through with it? The bad girl in me want to just to prove that there's life beyond that bugger. But the good girl believes in faith. I can already picture the good girl and the bad girl bickering on my shoulders. Very cartoony.

We'll just see how it goes. There might be no sex involved (I hope!). If I like the guy, good for him. If not, too bad then.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 13, 2003 @ 9:27 am

Dear Blogger,

When I got home last night at about 8pm, I was really, really tired and really, really bored. It's amazing. While I was away, I wanted to go home. Now that I'm home, I just want to stay away from home.

I guess I hate the idea of having to see my parents at home. I've been trying to stay away from them more and more. It's not that I can't stand them. It's just that they have nothing for me but more problems.

I didn't tell anyone in my family that I was going to Batam. I just left a note for my sister that I won't be back on Saturday. I didn't even tell Din. He didn't message me at all over the weekend.

Since I don't have access to a PC in Batam, I've jotted down some thoughts in my PDA. Here's what I wrote:

8.15pm
We went into Club Hawaii, a karaoke lounge. It's a sleazy place. Full of dirty, old Chinese men. Smoky, dark and smells awefully of stale sex. You don't see this kind of place anywhere in Singapore. I think this place should be banned!

What makes this place different from other karaoke lounges in Batam is its refundable policy. If the clients are not satisfied with the "services" here, they can make a formal complaint to the manager and they will be refunded.

I can't imagine how these girls can do IT with shrivelled penises. The thought is simply grotesque!

Then again, these women do it for the money. They mainly come from villages, debt-ridden. The pimps lure these women by paying their debts. These women in return will have to work for these pimps until their debts are settled. The good ones can settle it within months while others take years.

We've finally left the horrendous place at 8.50pm. Now we're heading to Queen, a massage parlour.

9.00pm

We were at Queen, a massage parlour. This was also a place where the masseuse moonlights as sex workers.

The place reminded me of a bar in Thailand. I was looking at the girls through a glass. It was like looking at fish in an aquarium. The girls sat behind the glass, not doing anything. The clients picked and chose the girls like they're buying lobsters in the market.

The look on the women's faces might be deceiving because they were always smiling and laughing. I'm sure they're just making the best use of their unfortunate situation.

It was really boring. I was bored just by looking at the girls. The guys that came were nothing to look at.

It's funny because we were supposed to blend in with the scene but we were like a white stain in a dark painting.

We left half an hour later.

9.30pm

The Riorita, another karaoke hangout. But its a pub. No dirty, old Chinese men here. It's a Malay hangout.

Nothing interesting here either. I'm sick of karaokes by now.

Bored. Bored. Bored.

That's what I've managed to write. Overall, the trip was OK. As usual, I felt left out. It's not wholly their fault. I should have made more effort to fit in. Then again, I was depressed and under medication. So I'm a little delicate now.

My first impression of the group is really how perky they all are. They're like innocent kids who've been sheltered from the real world. They know the issues facing the real world but they have not lived it. Yes, some of them looked stressed but mainly because of exams and school work.

I don't know why these kids are complaining about their school work. Don't they realise that school time is the best years of their lives??? The only major stress these kids will ever feel is on exams and homework. That's it!

How I would love to be young again. I want to go back to school. I really do. But I won't get that chance again. It doesn't seem likely anyway.

I'm hungry. I've not eaten breakfast today. I feel so tired and I'm so tempted to crawl back to bed. I almost didn't go to work (again!). I don't know why I feel so tired. Could it be the medication? I've just dozed off for a few seconds. Amazing.

I'd better get something to eat before I faint and cause unneccessary interruption to the department's operations.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, October 11, 2003 @ 10:56 am

Dear Blogger,

I was totally shagged last night. As soon as I got home, I couldn't do anything else but sleep. Hell! I woke up late even! So as you can see, I'm not at work, although I'm supposed to.

I'm going to Batam later. I'll tell you all about it after I come back on Sunday.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 09, 2003 @ 11:19 pm

Dear Blogger,

I told my boss about my depression and eating disorder. I also told her that I'd like to take a whole month off, preferably in December. I need the space to sort out my problems and battle my demons. I'd probably seek professional help too.

She was quite gracious about it. She tried to understand what's causing the depression but she will never understand. No one will. She tried to assure me that I'm a good employee with full of potential. I know she was just trying to make me feel better.

I have a lot of work to do before I go for my break. I have to train a staff to cover my duties while I'm away. My boss will help me identify that lucky staff.

I really want this year to be over. I can't seem to remember much happiness this year. It's all gloom and doom. First, there was the war. Second, there was SARS. Third, my dad quitting his job after almost 15 years. Fourth, my on again off again destructive relationship with Din.

So you see! Whatever achievements or happiness which I might have felt paled in comparison to the disappointments, heartbreaks and headaches I've experienced this year. 2003 is a year not worth remembering.

As I was boarding my feeder bus for home, I saw someone which reminded me of that Jurong Point bastard, whom I shall not named. That bastard assaulted me physically and emotionally in just a few hours! I felt like the most stupidest girl in the world at that moment. Bastard!

Thank goodness the moon (almost full) was so bright and inspiring tonight. I thought I saw a face on the moon. Not a happy face but it looked like it was screaming. Remember those movie posters for Scream? The moon looked just like that girl in the Scream posters. Weird.

I love the moon. It stirs up a lot of emotions in me whenever I look at the moon. Hehe. I'm at my emotional peak when the moon is full, round, huge, glowing and bright. One of these days, I would love to have raw, animalistic sex under the full moon. Perhaps on the roof top. That must have been quite intense.

Tonight was my last tuition lesson. No more tuition till next year. It's good and bad. Good because I'm getting very tired already. Bad because I won't receive extra income anymore. Shit! My funding is depleting and I've to pay my course fees too. Where the fuck is my rich, white knight???

Gosh I'm depressing myself. What is a girl supposed to do?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:24 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm feeling unusually cold today even though it's a very hot day. I've been shivering in the MRT and in the office. I've put on so many layers of clothes as if I was in a temperate country.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 08, 2003 @ 11:34 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was sick today. Sort of. I really didn't want to go to work today. I just couldn't drag myself out of my bed and get dressed for work. I kept telling to get up but I couldn't I just laid there oblivious to the time that's ticking away.

It was already 8:30 when I finally woke up. By then, I've made up my mind to take the day off. I had to go see my GP. I'm not physically sick but I'm sick nevertheless.

I told the doctor I'm depressed. I've been depressed for over a year. I need help. I guess the doctor must have heard this countless times before. That's why he looked not concerned at all. I was a little disappointed. I kind of expected a little worry from him. Well, he's a doctor after all. He has to be professional about it.

He presecribed some anti-depressant pills for 6 weeks. It's a trial to see if medication will help. If not, he'll refer me to a psychiatrist. He gave me the day off to rest.

I used the day to rest but not at home. I could never rest at home. My idea of rest is to escape from reality. So I dragged my friend to JB for some window-shopping.

I bought some books and some scarfs. I couldn't buy much because I was fully aware of my shrinking spending fund. Besides, there wasn't much to shop in JB. It has stuffs but not the stuffs that would interest me.

I love driving. Sometimes. I thought I drove very well today. I didn't stall the car. I didn't roll back on the slopes. I parked very well. But what I loved about driving is the feeling of freedom on the roads. OK. So Singapore roads are quite a pain with its numerous traffic lights. At least, they're disciplined.

I didn't speed. I stayed to my lane. Overtook if necessary. I was a well-behaved driver today. Even on JB roads, I didn't let myself be bullied by the local drivers.

It was when I was coming home and stuck at the Causeway then I felt dread for tomorrow. I wanted to prolong this escape but it was inevitable. I have to face the music.

If I'm relieved of my duties tomorrow then so be it. Whatever happens, so be it. I'm just going to tell the truth. That I'm suffering from depression AND an eating disorder.

I just took my first anti-depressant pill and its effect is slowly taking over me. The doctor warned me that it'll cause drowsiness and that will probably help my sleepless nights.

He said that I wont feel the total effect of the pills soon. That's why he prescribed a 6 week medication. I wanted to tell him that he shouldn't give me drugs because I've a tendency to overdose on drugs. I don't know why I didn't tell him.

I think I want to get to bed now. That's the pill talking. Oh by the way, I've to go get another batch of contraceptive pills. Just ran out of it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, October 07, 2003 @ 3:15 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was under so much stress my mind just went blank. All I could think about was salvation. And the only salvation I could find is him.

20 minutes past 12, I took a cab down to his place. I called him earlier but he didn't answer the phone. I don't know if he was in, asleep or out. I just took my chances. I sent him a message that I was coming over. I didn't expect a reply. I was already in the cab anyway.

He did reply. He asked me what time will I be there. I replied, "right now". He told me that he can't send me back to work because he left his spare helmet at work. Typical of him. It's his fancy way of saying that he's too embarrassed to send me back. It didn't bother me though. Usually it would. Usually I'd question his love for me. Not this time.

It must have been quite a shock for him to see me at his doorstep. Normally, it would take countless amount of begging on his part to get me there. Not this time.

He asked me what's wrong. I couldn't say anything. Nothing was flowing in my brain either. I just smiled. I went to his room. Dark and stale as usual. These people don't understand the importance of sunshine and fresh air. I took off my scarf and my kain. I went to the wash basin to wash my face. I didn't dare look at the mirror. I was afraid that if I did, I wouldn't recognise that reflection staring back at me.

I went back to his room. I took off my baju. I laid my clothes nicely on his chair. I sat on his bed for awhile. He was in the kitchen making some drinks. I laid on his bed, immediately taking in the comfort of his pillows. I closed my eyes and not thought of anything. I could have slept then but I forced myself not to because I still have to get back to work.

I heard the radio. It was playing some rock song. I felt him coming over to the bed. It won't be long for him to lay next to me. I had myself facing the wall, so my back was facing him. He threw the duvet open and I felt the chilly air on my back. He positioned himself beside me and covered ourselves with the duvet. It was cold weather today, yet, I felt chilly.

I felt his lips on the back of my neck. Lingering kisses at an imaginary target. I turned and faced him. I touched his cheek and lips with my finger as if I was a blind woman. He did the same but his finger journeyed all over my body.

I kissed him. A kiss that I called a virgin's kiss. Lips barely touching yet they touched. He knows that the tongue can wait. If he gave it to me now, he knew I would pull back and that would spoil the moment.

We kissed in each other's arms. My tongue against his, childishly playing inside our mouths. He smelled of cigarettes. Sweet but awful nevertheless. I told him so many times not to smoke. Smoking kills. Even if it doesn't, smoking does not help you sexual performance.

I laid in his arms for awhile. Just closing my eyes. I felt so safe then. All problems, whether its work or money or friends, don't seem to exist just for that brief moment.

I let my fingers wander. Down, down, down to where his "life" is. It was almost hard. What it needs is a good licking. I may not be the most experienced in blowjobs, but he sure does like it. I still can't figure out why it's called a blowjob when the last thing you do is to blow it. I prefer to do it slow, letting my tongue taste every inch of it. I've not even had it in my mouth but he was already moaning. That's rare. He hardly moans. So, often, I don't know if he likes it or not.

The devil had already shown its horns when I began sucking it. Occassionally, I'd give him a deep throat. I couldn't do it often because he's really deep. I lingered it as long as a I can until he got really hard. I couldn't resist a hard one. It makes me want to bite it and crunch it. I couldn't do it for real of course. I want babies you know.

After I've done toying with it, I sat there not knowing what to do next. He had this determined look on his face and I almost got afraid. He pinned me down, gently, and hooked my legs up with his arms. He didn't trail down my body with kisses like he normally does. He went straight to my exposed womanhood and gave me one of the best oral I've ever had.

We played with each other's bodies for awhile. I insisted on it. I didn't think I was ready for intercourse. He, on the other hand, is ready ever since I stepped foot into his house. I couldn't stop the inevitable.

He was hard and I like it hard. He didn't force himself in me. He sort of wiggled himself in so that he won't scare me too much. A final push and I screamed. Not too loud to let the neighbours hear but loud enough for him to look at me with concern. I wasn't in pain. I showed him that.

I was on top after that. He likes it when I'm on top. I prefer to be the one lying down, contrary to popular belief. But being on top never fails to bring me satisfaction.

I was under him next. A very comfortable position I must say. He was uncontrollable now. I could feel him about to let go. He can be a jerk most of the times, but he always warn me that he's about to cum. It's his way of asking me should he leave it in or should he pull it out. I want it in. I want to feel complete.

He slumped onto me all of a sudden. I knew he had cum. I could feel it in me. Both of us lying there, holding on to each other like lost children. Then he said something which completely blew me off my balance. He whispered, "I love you". I have nothing to say to that.

I got dressed. He kissed me goodbye and that's how my sex life went. He was never a gentleman. I've learned to live with that. Now I don't know what he is. Are we still together? Questions and more questions. As soon as we're apart, the problems came back and I'm back to the real world.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:29 am

Dear Blogger,

I had my second round of jabs this morning. It bloody hurts man! It didn't hurt before, so why now? I can barely move my left arm. If I had chosen to take it on my right arm, I'd be paralysed then!

To be continued... (Writer's block!)

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, October 06, 2003 @ 9:47 am

Dear Blogger,

My dad is really a pain in the arse. He's doing it again! What kind of father goes all out to ensure that his children suffers from mental breakdown??? If this is his way to break my spirit, well I guess, it's working isn't it? It's ok when bitchy girlfriends or loser boyfriends call you names but when your own father does it, isn't that mental and emotional abuse???

If he wants to curse me into hell, go ahead. But don't lecture me about my responsibilities as a daughter. I've done what I can to help the household. It's not my fault that I don't have a degree. It's not my fault that I wasn't smart enough to win a scholarship. It's not my bloody fault that I don't earn fucking $10,000 per month!

What does he expect me to do?! Rob a bank? Moonlight as a call-girl? Sell my soul to the devil? What the FUCK does he want me to do?!

I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. I'm just a young woman for God's sake! I'm NOT supergirl!!! I can't do everything. I make mistakes too. I get hurt too. Just because he sees me spending often but what am I spending on??? Not on me but on everyone else.

Curse me all you want but don't curse my children or the family which I hope to build. Don't make me hate you.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, October 05, 2003 @ 11:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

I should have been asleep by now. In fact, my head is throbbing. God knows why. But I couldn't sleep. I closed my eyes yet I feel awake.

I know why I couldn't sleep. I missed him. Yes. I missed that bastard. I hated that but there's no denying it.

When I'm in his arms, it feels like there's nothing that can scare me. That is the time when I'm at ease with myself. All conflicts seem to vanish.

That is what I want. A feeling of inner peace. He can give me that. I'm not sure if he's aware that that's what I want and that's what he can give me. All men are daft anyway.

It's pointless to tell them about it even though John Gray says repeatedly that communication is a key ingredient in a relationship. Him and me, we communicate on a different level. He will never understand me.

Very few relationships are first loves. As much as I want to defy that, I know its a losing battle. I'm losing my faith in it. I don't think I will ever recover from it.

Sure, I'll have relationships after that but that's more like resigning yourself to what is available rather than what you really want. Then again, nobody gets what they want. Not all the time anyway.

Just like how I wanted so badly to further my studies. I can't have it because of financial restrictions. Now, I can't even have happiness.

Is he happy? I've always asked myself if I'm happy, but I've never asked him if he's happy. Perhaps, he's not happy too. I've always said that he's like a lost puppy.

He had never known love when he was growing up. His parents divorced when he was young. His father remarried and had 3 daughters. His mother never understood the needs of a young man. I pity him.

Perhaps, all this time, I've mistaken sympathy for love. I've subconsciously taken over the motherly role which he was deprived at such a young age. Maybe that's why I couldn't leave him.

He has always behaved like he doesn't need me, but I know deep down, he does. He doesn't need to tell me. I can tell from his actions. He may not surprise me with flowers or shower me with poetic prose, but his kisses tell me that he loves me.

I've not kissed that many men but those that I've kissed do not come close to the feeling he gives me whenever we lock lips. I can't find the words to explain it.

Sadly, I have to leave him. It's for my own good. And his. Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. I know that he's too big for his own shoes to come running after me. He'll probably see other girls while I weep silently in the bus, or in the shower, or while I'm on my bed.

But I have to do this. As they say, no pain no gain. I'm kidding myself. That doesn't sound convincing at all. But I have to. This is a destructive relationship. One of us will die if we stay. I can't let that happen, can I?

You may see me smile. You may see me laugh. But do you really see me?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 6:05 pm

Dear Blogger,

Life's crap isn't it? I sure think so. I'm bored out of my brains right now but I've nobody to turn to. NOBODY!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 3:35 am

Dear Blogger,

He didn't message or call me last night nor tonight. He's probably in his cave again. I shouldn't have apologised. It would not have made a difference at all.

I watched Underworld last night. I've not watched a midnight movie for ages. It was also my first time watching a movie at Lido. It was designed old style. The theatre was huge. Too huge. The new cinemas are smaller and cozier I think. They don't make cinemas like Lido anymore.

I enjoyed Underworld. I like vampires (fetish!) and the fact that a woman had carried the whole movie was such a draw. Kate Beckinsale was a babe in black leather. She reminded me of Catwoman but without the kitty sex. Kate oozed sex too nevertheless.

Selene is my new hero now. Lara Croft can rest for now. Selene is darker and more serious. Quite a turn-on actually.

Like every hero, Selene survived a dark past. And like every hero, she placed her faith on blind love. That is natural for a woman isn't it? To let love lead her life.

Anyway, the story goes that Selene's family was butchered by the werewolves. She was saved by the all-mighty Victor, chief of the vampires. Victor guided her and turned her into a lean, mean fighting machine but without the emotions.

That's why I admired her. She managed to do her job without letting her emotions control her. I can't do that. I fail often because I allow my emotions to get the better of me.

I wonder what it would be like to live without emotions? No more shit on your face for being nice to other people. No more headaches and heartaches. No more tears. No more feeling of loneliness.

Loneliness. It's coming to me in a vengeance. I was sitting in between 2 boys last night , who are really lousy movie dates by the way, and I felt lonely. God knows how much I wanted somebody's arms to wrap around me and reassured me that the violent scenes are not real. God knows the ache in my heart when I couldn't rest my head on anyone's shoulders.

He's leaving me isn't he? I'm not angry with him. I just feel sad for him. He won't survive in this harsh world. He will never know what happiness will feel like. He will realise that a person like me are like rare diamonds. But that realisation will only took place later, when it's too late.

I will survive. Just like Selene. But whether I'll be happy, I don't know the answer. I will not regret. Regret will only add burden to my weakened heart already. I will just carry on with life while trying not to let emotions intefere.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, October 04, 2003 @ 12:09 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm shagged. Not that I shagged anybody today. Not that I don't want to. He didn't respond to my messages today. I guess he's still upset over what happened yesterday.

It wasn't my fault! You should have seen the way he treated me. It was like I was no better than the girls I've seen parading in Geylang tonight. I think they were treated better than I did.

All I said to him was that I think we should do other things besides IT. I mean I'm sure our relationship means more than that. When I asked him repeatedly why he loves me, his answer was he loves me "for the way I am". What does that mean???

After letting him do what he wanted to do, I just burst into tears. I couldn't control it. He got upset over it. He thinks that I'm crying to blackmail him. Wassup with that?! It's not like I have a tap to turn the tears off you know.

What kind of man lets his girlfriend cry like that without offering any form of comfort??? He even scolded me for crying! Can you believe that?!

The worse thing was that I ended apologising to him for HIS mistakes! Was that STUPID or what???

I went to work, finished half what I had planned to do. Better than nothing I guess. On most days, I don't do anything at all. There must be something about today because I was so damn bored and nobody even took notice of me!

I HATE being ignored! I'm an attention-seeker. I need my attention. I need to be under the spotlight. For the good reasons of course.

Tonight was my first night helping out in a survey for UNIFEM: Prostitution in Singapore. I still don't understand why they're doing it. I think they should focus their awareness on young girls who with or without prostitution had been used by men.

It was tiring. Not so much due to the walking. It's the boredom that's tiring. It's too early to check out our targets. We started out at 7pm. The boys come out to play only after 11pm which was when we had to move off.

The girls are also not appealing enough. Not as attractive as those in Changi. Then again, those "ladies" are too attractive to be real. LOL!

I don't have concrete plans for this weekend yet. I hate it when I've nothing to do over the weekends. I've begged everyone I know if they wanna do something together. No replies so far. Everyone is busy doing something else.

I wanted so much for us to spend some time together but I don't think he wants to see me again. It's hard to be apart and its even harder to be together. You just can't win!

Oh why does love has to be so complicated???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, October 02, 2003 @ 4:00 pm

Dear Blogger,

To think that I've just sung praises for that bastard. Of all people, he has to make me feel like I'm the scum of the Earth. I'm killing myself if I stay on with him. It's time to leave.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:05 am

Dear Blogger,

I have this impulsive feeling to quit my job again. Coming to work nowadays feels like a chore. I've lost my motivation to work and to succeed. I feel like staying in bed all day and not do anything at all.

Is there something wrong with me? This is not normal behaviour you know. I'm even ashamed of myself sometimes. I can't finish up my tasks on time. I come late to work. I leave early from work. I'm just not doing anything right!

Remember that Specialist Diploma course I signed up for last year? I was supposed to graduate this April but I didn't. It was because I couldn't go through with it knowing that I've lost my rock-solid support. I just couldn't bring myself to go all the way up to Dover and sit for the next 4 hours or so trying to listen to the lecturer and coming out of the class even more confused than ever.

I seeked for sponsorship from the hospital when I signed up for the course and I got that sponsorship. I had to sign a Letter of Understanding though. I was not supposed to fail any exams or tests. If I did, I'd have to reimburse the hospital the full charges of the course plus $1,000 administrative fees. I guess I've to pay the hospital now huh?

It's not the money that's the money. Who am I kidding? Money IS a problem! I don't think I've $4,000 in my savings right now. My dad took most of it remember? But that's not the main problem. The problem is I feel like a failure. Not because I couldn't pass the exam but because I couldn't be independant enough to complete the course.

When Din and I had that uncalled-for separation early on in the year, every part of my body felt so limp. I was practically drifting to work, to the shops, around the house, etc. My mind couldn't focus. Words coming out from everyone else's mouths were gibberish. My eyes didn't see faces as I walked, just bodies. Blurred bodies.

Things have gotten better since then. I've moved on a little. I'm out with my friends enjoying life a little. Din has put in a bit more effort in our relationship. The improvement is not really noticeable but it's an improvement none the less. I could say that life is more bearable now. Yet, why am I still drifting? I'm sleepwalking through life.

Just the other day, my Admin Assistant pointed out to me that I didn't log my temperature for the second half of the day. I adamantly remembered that I did. I remembered walking up to her desk, took out the temperature log book and filled in my temperature for the day. I even remembered who hadn't jot down theirs. Also, I remembered the time to be slightly 5 minutes after 5 in the afternoon. How could I be dreaming all that in vivid details??? This has happened for the second time already.

I'm beginning to fear that there's something wrong with my mind. Could it be Alzheimers? Or could it be schizophrenia? I'm not sharp-witted as before. I'm not seeing things clearly or even hearing things well. It makes sense doesn't it?

I could get myself examined by a neurologist or even a psychiatrist but all that cost money. I'm not rich you know even though I may look like it. I'm not afraid of money but that is something which I don't have right now.

And now my dad is making me feel more guilty than before. So all this is affecting my self-esteem and my judgement. I can't do this all on my own. I need help but where is it? No wonder my shoulders feel so heavy often and they're aching for attention. I think my brain is melting. I can feel it sometimes.

These are really bad things to be thinking about early in the morning, but I can't help it. At least, I'm writing about it. I hope to feel better though.

Help!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, October 01, 2003 @ 10:35 am

Dear Blogger,

My dad never fails to spoil the day for me. He has to do it at the beginning of the day and a WEDNESDAY some more! I was already late for work and he wants me to "sit and discuss". Wassup with that?!

He wants to sell the flat and buy a 3-room flat. i.e. downgrade. i.e. he needs money. I've heard this before that's why I was not bothered to "sit and discuss" with him. He knows very well what I think about it. There is no way I'm going to downgrade to a 3-room flat. The purpose of living is to keep improving yourself. In other words, UPGRADE.

He thinks that by selling the 5-room flat, which I've lived for almost all my turbulant years in, we're going to be happy??? I need space. My sister needs space. My brothers need space eventhough they prefer to sleep in the living room than in their own bedroom. There is no way I'm going to give up my room which I've so painstackingly personalised it over the years to some crappy idea of a madman who wants to sell the flat because his food business is failing after 2 months!

That is just not fair! Worse, he blames ME for not helping him! I've helped him financially when he wanted to QUIT driving and open up that food stall. I gave him almost $10,000 of my savings to him for that bloody stall. Where the hell am I going to get another $10,000 in such a short period of time??? The only way is that if any of my uncles or aunties dies suddenly. Hmmm... that wouldn't be such a bad idea and it could be arranged.

Why is he being so selfish??? In fact, why are the men in my life so selfish??? Have I been selfish? Yes, at times. I do admit that. But I think I've given more than what I've taken. He should know very well that running a business isn't easy financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. What? He thinks that just because he feels that running a business in his blood, its going to be easy for him??? There are thousands of Malays out there doing what he does now. The only way to survive and flourish if we do it differently. But noooooooooo. Did he listen to me? Of course not! How would I know about running a business? I'm too young he says.

I'm also too young to be an executive. I'm also too young to understand what marriage is all about. So do they really understand these things? My gosh! Haven't they learned by now never to underestimate me?

Well, I dare him to make that decision. I dare him to sell MY home to fulfill his selfish needs.

Last night, I wrote a letter to Din about how I feel about our relationship. I was too lazy to sms him and besides sms cost money and it can only fit 160 characters. It's nothing new. I've told him about it many times before but since I'm better at writing than oral, the letter kind of release some of the pent-up anger and disappointment in me.

After what happened this morning, I suddenly realised that these two idiots are similar in nature! I've read about this somewhere. About how some women date men who have similar characteristics to their fathers. URGH! That's so freaky!

I've just sent out the letter. He should receive it tomorrow. I have faith in my national postal system. I don't expect him to change. There's no mechanism in his brain to enable him to change for the better. He will perhaps distance himself from me for a few days or he will badger me with redundant questions.

He's my BOYFRIEND for God's sake! If I want to have a no-commitment "relationship", I would have gone for one-night stands or flings. This isn't a fling. It's a R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P! It comes with commitments. For better or for worse. For richer or poorer. When your girlfriend spends most of her time with friends and on her own, that isn't a healthy relationship. It's not even a relationship! It's a sham! Do I have a boyfriend by name only? It had better not be.

I'm going to be 24 soon. I want to get engaged to someone I love. I want to be married when I'm 25. I want to have 5 kids by the time I'm 35. I can't do all this if my BOYFRIEND don't have the balls to make our relationship work towards it.

Oh fuck! I have a loser dad. I have loser brothers. I have a loser boyfriend. Is this what happens to girls who thinks too much and too deep??? Is this my reward for all the hard and nice work I've put in???

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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