modgurl's
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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, September 29, 2003 @ 9:16 am

Dear Blogger,

I had the whole day to myself yesterday. We needs days like these to do some recollection or reflection. I didn't do much thinking though.

I woke up early to return the car. I went swimming after that. I only managed to do 2 laps. I couldn't do more because I was irritated by the crowd in the pool. After half and hour, I left.

When I got home, I slept again till noon. Watched the second half of Monster Inc on Disney Channel. I cooked myself some sausages and cheese while watching the Monster Inc. Not healthy food I know but I love cheese.

Dieting was thrown out the window last weekend. It's a wonder why I even bother to workout at the Gym every day if I were to indulge myself in such guilty treats over the weekend.

I feel heavy. I was afraid to step on the scale this morning. My breathing has become heavy. People kept saying that exercise and a healthy diet are good for you, but I wonder. It hasn't helped much. I've not lost much weight lately. In fact, I think I'm gaining weight even!

I watched Daredevil in the afternoon. I rented the DVD online. It was a really disappointing movie. It's got the comic feel to it right but the storyline was a let down. It just doesn't make sense. I know it's a comic and it's not supposed to make sense but then again, Spiderman was almost logical.

I used to enjoy watching Ben Affleck, pre-Jennifer Lopez days. I loved him in Armageddon. Ermm... that's the only movie from him that I really liked. I've not watched Pearl Harbour because I don't really like war movies, and movies about WWII are too overplayed already.

You know what I feel like having right now? A bloody good coffee. There isn't any here. There are coffee but not really good ones. I don't know why my head is throbbing. This is not a good start to a brand new week.

I woke up at 6 just like I said I would. I had a heavy balanced breakfast which was good really. My eyes are watery and no, I'm not crying. I've been yawning non-stop since I got into the train. But I couldn't doze off. I slept early last night so what's the problem???

See?! I've lost my train of thoughts already. This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to get work done today??? I think I'd better get some shut up first before the meeting at 10. Should I go and get coffee? I wish the hospital would open up Starbucks or CB at least. That would be almost heaven. Although, that means I will be spending more. Hmmm...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 25, 2003 @ 12:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

I had a wonderful time yesterday with Din. He was all smiles and laughter and it made me feel good. But he managed to spoil it all by not fulfilling his promise last night.

He said he would meet me again at night and we'd go to the beach to relax. He didn't call or message and I slept the night away thinking how stupid I was to let him get the better of me all the time.

I've got nobody to talk to now. I guess I'm not meant to have any friends. Friends come and go and they're only there for you when they want something from you. I'm losing faith in friendship.

I've bought some durian puffs earlier. They're the infamous durian puffs from Goodwood Park Hotel. Once in a few months, the staff from the hotel come to the workplace to sell durian desserts. The puffs aren't really cheap but they're worth every penny.

I didn't want to buy them but I couldn't resist. I shall take it as a treat after what I've gone through this month. I'm contemplating a full body massage too. I don't know if I can afford it though.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2003 @ 5:23 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm an outcast.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:24 am

Dear Blogger,

It's been 2 days since I came back from Port Dickson but my body is still aching. Aching less but still aching. I don't know why it's aching so bad. Afterall, it's not like I've not done physical labour before. Could it be the long hour drive? It's been reported that sitting for too long may cause some pain in your body. I can't remember the name of the pain but it's commonly reported in flights.

The trip to Port Dickson was OK. There was sporadic boredom. Then again, everything seems to be boring to me these days. I wish I knew why.

We had a get together at Lau Pa Sat on Friday night. It wasn't a big gathering like before but I prefer it this way. My food came an hour late. By then, my appetite was already gone. What happened to the quality service nowadays? Or was that just an illusion?

I kept looking out for passing police cars that night. Din was working night shift then. I was hoping to see him before I head off for the trip. I think if I did see him on Friday, the trip would have turned out better.

We went to Mount Faber after that. It was a big mistake. I had forgotten completely that Mount Faber was a hot spot for couples. I felt so uneasy as soon as I stepped out of the car and I should have expected what was about to greet me later.

The first sight of a couple kissing and holding each other completely threw me off the good mood balance. It was moody all the way after that. I was just counting down to the first tears. The tap was turned on in 20 minutes. I tried to turn it off but I couldn't control myself.

I walked back to the car leaving everyone behind. Inside the car, with the radio on, I just sat with Niagara Falls flowing down my face. At that moment, I felt like the loneliest person in the world.

I cried again while sleeping on Rocky's couch. I was alone in the living room. Everyone else had the bedrooms. That was because I came single not as a couple. I couldn't sleep till 4am. I had to wake up at 5am. So you could imagine the state I was in while driving down the Malaysian highway.

Anyway, Din was too busy to talk to me so I messaged a confidant and just poured my heart out. I don't know if he understood what I was blurting out to him but it felt better knowing that someone out there was "listening" to me even if he didn't understand any of it at all.

Port Dickson was quite a disappointment actually. I had pictured a beach paradise but it looked just like a longer version of Changi Beach. It was very hot though. Blistering. I was mentally exhausted when we reached the resort.

The pool in the resort looked so tantalising cool but it was murky. I got into my hot pink 2 piece and jumped rite into the pool. Swimming never felt so good. I was not bothered by the curious stares. I was foreign afterall. Stare all they want.

After the swim, there was a telematch. We were divided into groups. My group was called Pornstar. Zul came up with it, obviously inspired by Rocky's helmet. Pin and Rocky were in the same group, Fireball. Someone in there was probably a Pokemon fan.

We were 2nd in the tug-o-war match. I pulled my calf muscle and there was a nasty bruise on my right arm. We sucked at volleyball after that, losing all our matches. But we were champion overall because of the puzzle round, which was last in the telematch. Hard work paid off.

Everyone was clearly exhausted on the way back home because there was less noise in the car. I drove slower too. 140hm/h maximum. I was driving at 160km/h the day before.

I hit the sack at about 9pm and boy was my body paralysed the morning after. I sorely wanted to take MC but I remembered I had to returned the car. So I went to work but I didn't work at all. My brain just refused to do any work.

So THAT is why I was hoping to do SOME work today. I've laxed too long already. Holiday period is over. Time to get work done!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 18, 2003 @ 9:17 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm supposed to be in a meeting now but I've just received news that it's postponed. Don't you just hate that? I hate last minute changes. Just because the chairperson of the meeting is the CFO, it doesn't mean that she can just change everyone's schedule at the 11th hour.

I dragged myself out of bed today just so that I can be early to work and be prepared for the meeting. It was scheduled at 9 bloody am by the way.

I don't know why I feel so sleepy. I slept early. I think I had good rest. Even though I came home at about 2am. I was supposed to be back by 12am but we both fell asleep. Yup. Me and Din.

I hung out with him last night. We didn't do anything unusual. But just lying there with his arms around me makes me feel so safe.

The sex has improved. I guess we missed each other so much. Also, I guess I've forgotten how enjoyable sex could be. I took it seriously before and I was always conscious about how the intercourse would affect our relationship. Last night, I didn't feel any of it. It just felt like the most natural thing to do.

He was gentle and there was something in his actions that had been missing for the past year. Love. It wasn't just sex anymore. It felt deeper than just sex.

We just laid there holding each other. Him in me. My legs wrapping him tight. His head against my head. We breathing as one. It was so magical. I haven't felt that in years!

Is it true that guy's change after they turn 25? I'm still not sure but it seemed like it. I don't want to get all mushy for nothing. Afterall, I've learnt not to expect things from people. I know this won't last forever but I hope it lasts long.

He thinks I nag at him too much. I think he ignores me too much. It's funny isn't it? I don't think I nag often. I'm just opiniated. Furthermore, I'm not asking him to give me his daily itinerary sheet. I just want to know if he's alive that's all.

6 weeks to our anniversary. He has forgotten about it. I should not be surprised. Men forget this kind of things. He had forgotten my birthday afterall. Just so happened that our anniversary falls on the first few days of Ramadan. So no hanky panky stuff!

I've always said this. No matter how many men I've gone out with or befriend with, there's no other man who can make me feel safe and secure like he does. Perhaps, he is The One. If he's not, then what makes the person The One?

One of the great mysteries of life...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2003 @ 9:27 am

Dear Blogger,

I love my new bed. Why? Because I can't seem to want to wake up every morning. I've not had this good a sleep since Din and I had really good sex ages ago in which I slept all night without getting up all frustrated by his awful snoring.

Despite what has happened the past week, deranged woman aside, I feel relaxed and alive. I feel inspired to live life to the fullest. I think I'm going to participate in a volunteer programme which a former school-mate had sent me. Why not? It's not like my time was taken up by anything useful.

The idea is to keep myself occupied so that my mind won't wander off to questions about him. Afterall, I'm still young right? There's more to life than just him.

I'm taking half day leave on Friday so that I can pack for the road trip this weekend. I've already prepared a mental check list. Meeting my friends in the evening for merry-making. Remind me to edit that durian trip video. It's the 4th time I'm doing it already. Geez!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 15, 2003 @ 5:38 pm

Dear Blogger,

Empty vessels make the most noise. Or shall I say, big butts are equal to big heads. Hahaha. A personal joke.

It's amazing what a scorn woman is willing to do to get her revenge, if that's what she calls it. Reason and logic is thrown out the window. I pity these women. No wonder we're the weaker sex.

I'm not ashamed to say that we are the weaker sex. Why fool yourself into thinking otherwise? The only way to overcome it is to accept it.

Another foolish thing to do is to threat other people with non-substantial claims. It's one thing to show your bravery. It's another to highlight your stupidity.

"Keep your friends close and your enemy closer"

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, September 14, 2003 @ 10:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

Nothing beats harrassement by a sexually-deprived madwoman than retail therapy. I went to IKEA on Saturday after being inspired by its new catalogue. I got myself some new bedsheets, storage boxes and the usual trinkets.

I just love IKEA. The items don't change much but there's something about the products' simplicity and loud colours that is just so inspiring. How inspiring? Well, I redecorated my room today. Whoa!

I just love the new bedsheets. They're just so brightly coloured and so chirpy. I need that in my life. Not that I'm complaining about my life now. But it doesn't hurt to have more colours in my life.

Then I went to Kinokuniya at Ngee Ann City. I love books but I don't buy them. I find it a waste to buy books because I only read them once. Compared to Borders, I prefer the latter. Kinokuniya is just too formal for my taste.

My friend wanted to buy some books. It's not often that you hang out with a guy who reads books. Most guys don't even step into a bookstore, let alone a library. Even if you can see these guys in Borders or Kinokuniya, 90% of the time, they can be found in the magazine section.

It was already about 9pm when he got his purchases. He's working day shift the next day, so we couldn't do much. I was quite apprehensive about ending the day so early. We're talking about Saturday here. I don't stay home on Saturday nights. I don't go home till it's Sunday!

Anyway, it's not the length of time that's important. It's how we make use of the limited time we have that matters. I like being with my friend. I enjoyed every moment of it, even when I was not in the mood for anything.

Before anyone jump into any conclusion, he's just a friend. Like a best friend. We can never be anything more than that. I just don't feel "it" with him.

I can't describe in words what "it" means but its the feeling you get when, by divine intervention perhaps, you know that he's the one for you. Just like how I felt for Din. I guess that's why I'm still with him.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, September 12, 2003 @ 10:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

There was once a girl named Emelia, who had most apparently lacked tender, loving care. So she seeked tender, loving care from her friends, who coincidentally lacked tender, loving care too.

One of her friends was named Tauqbaby, or most commonly known now as Meteora. She is a big-boned girl. Not lacking in attention-seeking features, yet she was constantly craving for attention. She has had 4 lovers so I'm sure she'll have more.

Then, there was Fizza. Poor girl. She suffered from delusional syndrome. She thinks that every other human being with breasts, besides hers of course, has eyes for her fiance. Unfortunately for her, her fiance isn't exactly Colin Farrell or even the lesser known Gurmit Singh.

Besides, the girls, there were the guys. Mangkuk, a confirmed life-long bachelor, had a diplomatic view of life. I'm sure he had his fair share of fan clubs, but why did he think that I would be a member of those fan clubs? Sorry dear. I like intelligent men but not too much.

Ed. Ahhhh... Eddy. We had fun times together. Well, all I can say is, it takes two hands to clap. I thank him for being there for me when I needed the emotional support. He's a nice boy. He just... fell into the wrong crowd.

Emelia tried to say hi to me this afternoon but oops! Bad reception. I really should complain to Singtel about their widely-publicised coverage. She did leave a message in my pager though. I couldn't decipher it. So, I got a police friend of mine to help me with the message. He said that he could write it down in a report for me, but I said that was not necessary. I'm sure she just wanted to say hi.

Just to be sure that I got her message, she left messages in my yahoo. How thoughtful of her. Still, there was a problem with my yahoo. Some of the words were too alien-like for me to understand. So, I forwarded the messages to people whom I think would be able to help. Again, I think she just wanted to say hi. A thoughtful girl, wasn't she?

The moral of the story is... What moral? There's no morality in this world anymore! Life has become too boring for some people so they conjure up some "entertainment" to amuse themselves, at the expense of others.

My conscience is clear. I've said this so many times before. I may have sinned but I've never forgotten Him. I don't drink, I don't take drugs. I remember my prayers. I don't quote the Quran or the Hadis in my conversation or my argument because I don't think I qualify to. I'm not a religious scholar, let alone an Ustazah, so why should I justify my argument with the words of my Prophet or Allah which I do not have a full understanding of?

My only vice is that I couldn't resist lust. Even then, my lustful desires were answered by my boyfriend not their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands or fathers. If you ask me what my problem is, then I shall redirect that question back to you.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:25 pm

Dear Blogger,

Do you know how some pests tend to come back to you even though you thought you've eliminated them? Well, they're back. I don't know why they come back. Do they even have a purpose at all? They're such a nuisance aren't they? I don't think even the other chatters find their antics amusing. Oh well, some people are desperate for attention.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 11, 2003 @ 9:44 am

Dear Blogger,

What is wrong with me? Why do I get treated like shit? I've been nothing but nice to people and I've been a really good girl. So why this treatment?

Is this what happens when you're nice to people? You get stepped all over. What happened to morality? Or am I tripping in an ideal world?

All I asked for is a little bit of attention. That's all. I give so much of myself to others. Can't I get the same in return?

For once, I would like to be happy. Just once. If it's possible to find happiness in within me, so why haven't I found it?

I'm giving up on depending on others for my well-being. It just doesn't seem fair that I'm giving but never receiving. People say I'm selfish but I think they are even more selfish.

What is the point of living when everyone around you is no longer what they seem to be? What is the point? The world is dying anyway. Man causes its own downfall. How ironic. It's the most superior in the living kingdom for its ability to think, yet it's its own enemy.

Maybe I should just go away. I don't know where but just get out of here. I'll bet nobody will notice my absence. No one gives a damn anyway.

I have no respect for myself. So I'm not expecting others to respect me. That's fair enough. I hate myself, for what I've done and what I'm going to do.

But I can't kill myself. Death is just an introduction to a whole new set of problems. I move on as a punishment for my sins. Nobody knows that. Nobody knows how much I punish myself, since the time I opened my eyes in the morning, to the time I closed my eyes at night. I'm just supergirl to them.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 10, 2003 @ 9:11 am

Dear Blogger,

SARS is back again. It was confirmed this morning that a researcher had contracted SARS from god knows where. No need to panic though. It's an isolated case. I guess we just have to live with it.

Full moon tonight. Sigh... You know what this means. I will feel lonelier than ever. I still don't understand why commit to someone when you can't make yourself available to BE with that someone?

I can't say that he was never there for me. It's just that he was never there WITH me. Do you know how odd it is to go to functions, official or non-official, with a partner who is NOT your boyfriend?

Asians being as they are don't like to see these kind of things. It's worse when you're a Singaporean Malay. Tongues are sure to wag in record time.

Tell me what do I have to do. No, I'm not going to dump him. That is not an option which I wish to consider at all. I don't know what's wrong with him. I don't know if he's just plain immature or he's scared. Considering he came from a broken family, he has valid reason to be scared.

Here I am walking on dangerous grounds. Din's lack of affection and attention has caused me to seek these necessities in someone else. I know what you're going to say. I'm going to repeat the same mistake all over again.

Give me some credit here. I'm careful not to toe that line. I'm practising more restraint now. I'm more disciplined now. The only thing I'm guilty of is confiding my personal problems with another guy. I don't know for sure if that's cheating but Din deserved it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, September 08, 2003 @ 9:17 am

Dear Blogger,

It's a brand new week again. Boy was last week fast or what? I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning, as usual, but nothing bad has happened so far.

I had a blast last weekend. Played pool on Friday night, movie on Saturday and the Big Walk on Sunday morning. It was tiring. I barely had 4 hours of sleep since Thursday. But, it was worth it.

I suddenly realised that I'm not writing like I used to. Perhaps the rage that was prevailant in me in the past was gone. I'm happier I guess. Without the rage, the creativity is missing.

That's good isn't it? I'll still write but it won't be as controversial as before. I don't care if nobody is going to read it. I didn't start writing for an audience.

Damn! I've a meeting in a few minutes. Ciao!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, September 04, 2003 @ 4:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

once again I'm a total let down. I let myself be tempted by the devil. But it was goooooood!

I told him so many times that I didn't want to do it anymore. I just wanted to do the right thing. I told him that again.

He said he loved me. So I asked him to prove it. He knew what I meant. Then he confessed something which I would never, ever expect to come from him.

He said that he has been saving some money so that he can do the right thing. He has been thinking and planning for it.

I just could not believe it. I asked him why don't we get engaged. He didn't think that would be a good idea. He doesn't see the purpose of engagement.

Well, I do. Engagement to me means that I'm his for sure and there will be no more doubts of whether I'm single and not available or single and available.

I didn't tell him that. I still could not say a word. I should not get myself too excited. He has stood me up before. So why should this be any different?

Will God answer my prayers now that I've sinned again? I don't think so.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, September 03, 2003 @ 10:47 pm

Dear Blogger,

I just realised that I have not updated my blogs for a few days already. Hmmm... let's see... what had happened lately?

I went to WOMAD on Saturday. A friend asked me and I agreed to go because he said that he could get me a free pass. Little did I know that "free" pass was a reused ticket. If he wanted so much to get in, I could have paid $35 for a ticket. Anyway, he was already drunk before we got to Fort Canning.

I left him alone while he "mingled" and got himself drunk silly with Heineken. I'm not into the drink and be merry crowd. I don't drink.

I went to get myself a plate of cheese nachos. 2 guys walked up to the booth wanting to snacks and a drink. One of the guys wanted to buy a margarita. He didn't have money with him. I offered to buy him a drink. He said no thanks. I asked you sure? He didn't answer. I said it's once in a lifetime chance. He asked why. I answered because I wouldn't see you again after tonight. BAM! I am so proud of myself sometimes.

We chatted for awhile. I got his name and where he lives. But I don't have his numbers. Damn!

After that, well... nothing happened that's worth mentioning.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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