modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Friday, August 29, 2003 @ 9:40 am

Dear Blogger,

I went to bed without dinner again. No one cooked. It's been almost a week already.

I haven't been eating much. Sometimes I skip meals. It's not that I do it on purpose. Sometimes, I'm hungry but I cannot decide what to eat. So I ended up not eating. And when I do eat, I never finished the meal. A mouthful and it's enough for me.

I'm crying again. I thought that phase was over. I went to MacDonald's to buy myself a strawberry sundae. I thought ice cream would cheer me up. The strawberry sundae became salty with tears.

Is it wrong for me to ask for a bit of comfort from someone? Is that selfish?

I woke up in the middle of the night because I felt cold. I felt lonely all of a sudden. I hugged my baby bear, the one that he gave me as a surprise. It's my only comfort now. I've been holding it close when I go to sleep nowadays.

I woke up to a very quiet house. It used to be bustling with activities. Now it felt deserted. I heated my breakfast. It was nasi lemak, not my favourite. I ate the fried chicken and fish and a little rice. That's all.

I went out of the house at 8:15am. I was already late but that didn't bother me. As usual, no one looked at me on the streets, in the bus, in the train, in the queue. It was as if they knew my secrets.

My handphone rang once this morning. It was just a forwarded message. I deleted it. It didn't mean anything to me.

My stereo earpiece only worked on one side, the right side. The annoying Morning Madness crew was blaring in my right ear. I concentrated on the book I was reading. The Virgin Suicides. This was the second time I borrowed this book. I never got around to reading it the first time round. The first chapter itself talked about the glorious suicide of the first sister, Cecilia.

I shouldn't be reading these kind of books. Those that glorifies suicide. It might give me ideas.

It's cold in the office. Perfect temperature for sleeping. Oops! Excuse me. I'm yawning. Will coffee help? It hadn't in the past.

I'm going swimming after work. It's been awhile since I've gone swimming. I had my new swim piece on underneath this balloon skirt and pink cardigan. I will be on my own tonight. Swimming alone.

My eyes cannot open. I'm fighting the urge to keep them close permanently. The table top looked so tantalising. I just want to lay my head there and drift away.

So long...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 28, 2003 @ 9:27 am

Dear Blogger,

I have been described as foolish, radical, plain stupid, bold, and many other things. But most often its just plain stupid. I wonder why.

I don't regret. At least I try not to. There are very few things that I regret doing. Opening myself up for the world to see is not one of those things. I see it as a self-study. I learn more about myself when I write about it than when it's bottled up inside me. It's just like overcoming the shyness of standing naked in front of the mirror and just analysing your body there. When you're comfortable with your naked body, that is a huge stepping stone to being comfortable about yourself.

Well, I'm not going to say much.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2003 @ 9:22 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm still not saying anything.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 25, 2003 @ 8:51 am

Dear Blogger,

I have nothing to say. I have lots to say but I'm not saying.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, August 22, 2003 @ 5:12 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've removed the guestbook because some people out there have abused it. I was never a fan of guestbooks anyway.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:31 am

Dear Blogger,

Suddenly I'm getting a lot of flak for blogging. I have no problems about publishing my life for everyone to read. So why do they??? It just shows how narrow their mindset are.

If you don't like reading about me, then don't read. I've explained this countless times on why I chose to write intimate details about myself and publishing them.

I guess these people only read the controversial ones. They've not understood the meanings behind those words.

I'm not going to cease writing. Not even toning down the subjects of my writings.

As I've said before, I don't care anymore what people say. In the past, when people's "opinions" matter to me, it almost killed me. If I have to be alone in this world, then so be it.

By the way, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think I'm beautiful and sexy. Why shouldn't I be? It's about time that I think that way about myself. Should I keep describing myself as fat and ugly???

I have never asked you guys to come in here and forced you to read these entries. You came in here on your own. It was your choice. If you have to judge me based on these entries, do remember to look in the mirror first.

I am not perfect. Neither are you. We all have mistakes and we all have our glories. I chose to highlight my mistakes here.

You call yourself open-minded. But what does open-mindedness mean? Does it mean just being liberal about sex? I guess most people have that definition, but I don't. It's never just about sex for me.

Jack Nicholson famously said that you can't handle the truth. How true. I have the guts to "air my dirty linen" but some people viciously disapprove. I never asked for your approval anyway.

Yes, Din fucked me but I let him. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Yes, I regret that things didn't work out between us. No because doing it with him made me more confident and opened up my eyes to the bad, bad world we're living in.

I was naive. I always thought good about the world, even if I criticise it so much. However, being nice is a survival killer in this day and age. I can never do no right.

But I won't let these people get me down. I've fallen so low already that there's no other way but up. I'm a survivor. Even if I die tomorrow, I will have the satisfaction that the only enemy that got me was me, not them.

I don't want to argue with these people. It's a waste of my grey cells. I'd rather spend it on making and bringing more love to those who deserve it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 21, 2003 @ 11:03 am

Dear Blogger,

Hahahahahahahahahaha~ Sorry I can't stop laughing. That's a good one VenusiA. Hahahahahahahahaha~

Thanks for that insight and sparing a bit of energy to sign my guestbook. Gee... I'm tarnishing whose image? What image? What does a scarf-wearing person reflect? Piety? Oh please. Spare me the sermon.

But you're right about one thing. I never said I was not a hypocrite. In fact, I remembered saying something about everyone is a hypocrite one way or another. So why do you think I hate myself so much?

My lifestyle is not an exemplary one. I'm not a saint. I'm not blind and deaf to the effects of my actions either. I've never asked anyone to make the choice for me. So I'm completely responsible for my own actions. So don't tell me that I'm tarnishing anyone's image. I don't answer to or for them.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:31 am

Dear Blogger,

He finally sms me last night but it was more a command than an enquiry. He asked what was I doing. That's it. No hellos, no I miss yous, no sorries. I didn't bother to reply him. He's beginning to annoy me. But I'm not going to let him spoil my day.

I'm ashamed to say this, but I've been flirting with a guy via sms. The saint part of me says I should stop this nonsense before anything bad happens. The sinner part of me says get down with him already!

We've just been on one date that's all. In fact, it wasn't even a date. It was just a movie. Nothing happened. I mean, nothing happened emotionally anyway.

So flirting is ok right? I know I'm a natural flirt. I can't help myself. Sometimes I do it without even realising it! As long as this sms thing didn't leap into real life, I guess it's harmless fun.

My dad's stall opens today. He asked for more money last night. Damn it! I don't have any more money! He has taken all of it. What more does he want from me? It's not like I'm not giving him support. I'm glad he has finally realised his dream but he just can't do this to me you know. This is mental and emotional abuse!

The weekend is almost here. I don't have any plans yet. My "friends" seem to be occupied somehow. It's funny isn't it? Friends, boyfriends, etc come and go. What happened to friends are forever shit? I hate it when my weekend is spent doing nothing. It's just so frustrating.

I have decided that I don't do love anymore. What and where is love anyway? I don't think there's such a thing as love. I'm referring to boy-girl love by the way. I think there's only lust.

Biologically and psychologically, men seeks to reproduce. This ensures survival of the human race. I have no problem with that. It's when they start to play with my feelings, my emotions then that is where I've a problem with it.

If it's just mechanical, then it's no issue. The guy states his intentions to reproduce, we find a comfortable place, I spread my legs, he fills me up with his seeds, I get pregnant and finally another contribution to the human society. Easy right?

But things are never easy. It's all because of emotion. There's more to sex than just sex. Even guys, who will never admit it, falls slave to his emotions when he's on a womanhunt. You think those one-night stands are wham, bam, game over action??? Of course not! I just don't understand how anyone would fuck someone else without feeling anything.

Sometimes I think I was a man in my previous life. And I've a woman now as punishment. Perhaps I was cruel to women then or I didn't understand them. I think I'm better off with a dick between my legs. Why not? Some men here don't make full use of it anyway. I think I have more balls than these guys do.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm right about certain things.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, August 20, 2003 @ 12:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

The bloody network was down for a few days due to some virus that's causing havoc to the Internet. What's up with this people?! Don't they have anything better to do than create some virus and causing major inconveniences to us innocent users?! What is their point anyway? Is there a point to all these in the first place? Geez! Idiots!

I have reached a point in my life that I don't bloody care what anyone says about me anymore. Not my parents, not Din (dickhead!), not my friends, not anyone. I'm not even chatting online anymore. Too much politics and backstabbers in there. Some people just can't be nice. They get shit on if they're nice.

It's already Wednesday and no word from that dickhead. It's fine by me. I'm too busy to entertain these kind of people. I've always said, if you're nice to me, then I'm nice to you. If you respect me, then you gain my respect. It's a two-way street.

I'm thinking of talking to my aunts and uncles, from my mum's side about helping me to apply the study loan for me. Thinking about it is fine and dandy. It's the actual execution that's a little painful. I've got to psyche myself up to do this if I'm ever going to go to Sydney next year. Time is running out. Focus girl!

I'm also thinking about going out with other guys, on dates. Yeah yeah. I don't really believe in dates but I think it's about time anyway. But, guys are not interested in going out on dates with me. They're only interested in making out with me. I don't want to do that. I just want things to be simple right now. Boy ask girl on a date, movie perhaps. Boy and girl get along very well. Boy ask girl if they'd want to go steady. Blah blah blah. It seemed so secondary school isn't it?

Gosh! I feel so amateurish about all these dating business. It's been a really, really long time since I've been on a date. It's a terrifying experience isn't it? But when it's good, it's really good. It makes you feel like you're floating on clouds. Hehe. Ok, I'm dreaming.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 18, 2003 @ 9:10 am

Dear Blogger,

I spent the whole day editing a video but it didn't turn out right. I just realised that at 6 bloody am today. It's very, very frustrating considering that I slept at 3 in the morning doing that shit.

I have this nagging feeling that I did it on purpose. I mean, I purposely pushed myself till the wee hours of the morning editing that movie. I was already upset wasn't I? I was determined not to think of him so I focused my energy on doing something else. If only I could focus on something else for a whole week.

There was an article on sex and lifestyle in the papers today. A sex therapist explained the importance of a healthy lifestyle and sex. She said if you're tired all the time, you won't have the energy and time for sex. And this affects a relationship. It makes sense. Singaporean are working too hard to earn the cash but we've forgotten how to live the good life.

I'm sure our grandparents work hard too but they have more interesting stories to tell us. So what's up with us now??? Have we become too success-oriented and materialistic? We are always chasing for that big house, big car, big paycheck. It's so sick!

I wonder what he's working for. He works hard but he works foolishly. Who would have thought that the third party in our relationship is work eh? It's partially his fault too. He has forgotten me.

I'm giving it a week to get myself together again. I need time to rest my mind and spirit. This transition period is always the hardest. It didn't work before and I have no desire to repeat that mistake again. I should be ready to go on dates again after that, but I'm going to take it slow and easy. No hanky panky on the first date.

Gosh! I've forgotten how to go on dates. I've forgotten what it feels like. What the hell are you supposed to do on dates anyway? Spend a few hours with a guy and pretend that you enjoy his company? Then how do you reject someone? I hate rejection. I always feel bad if I have to reject someone. Damn conscience!

I'm braless today. It feels good to go braless again. I imagined my breasts are crying out "YES! YES! YES!" right now. Who came out with bras anyway??? Probably a man. Typical! Always finding ways to bind us and make us women suffer. Right now, I don't care if my breasts are small and not perky. They're not sagging but they're not succulently shaped either. But who fucking cares. They're 110% natural.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, August 17, 2003 @ 8:27 pm

Dear Blogger,

Tell me that this is not the right time to dump him already. He fucking STOOD ME up last night! That is one too many times already. I'm giving him one week to come to his senses. If not, hasta la vista baby!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, August 16, 2003 @ 9:29 am

Dear Blogger,

Just when I'm about to give up on him, he just pulled me right back in. I can't believe that guy! He's just so... irresistable! Damn it!!!

We made out in his bedroom while his mother's asleep in the other room. Boy, it felt like the old days. He was holding me, cuddling me. It felt so good and so nostalgic. I guess that's because he hardly do that anymore. He even agree to go out with me this afternoon!

Yes! That's right! I must admit I was quite taken aback when he said OK to spending time with me in town, on the streets and not in a hotel room. For a minute there, I thought I was dreaming.

OK, I'm not going to celebrate just yet. It's still morning. He might stood me up again. He has a tendency to do that.

Sometimes I wish he has more balls to stand up to his mum or his superiors or practically just about anyone. He doesn't like confrontation. He prefers to just sit in the corner and let everyone else does the dirty work.

In our god knows how many years relationship, I can't remember not one incident in which he took a stand on something. I'm the decision maker in this relationship. I'm Margaret and he's Daniel or whatever Maggie Thatcher's hubby's name was.

We did something new last night. I was having my period so we couldn't do the usual stuff. Besides, I wasn't in the mood for it. But boys being boys, when they want it, they WANT it. They won't take no for an answer.

My tits still hurt occassionally because he bit too hard on them. But I asked him to, so I'm to blame for it. It itches too! Maybe it's the bra. I'm not a bra person. I don't like to wear bras because they make me breasts itch. Perhaps I'm allergic to the bra's material. Besides, I feel freer when I go bra-less. No restrictions at all.

Anyway, back to that new thing. I simply don't understand how other girls could actually swallow that thing. Just the taste of it is enough to make me spit it out. And the thought of having Din Jrs doing laps in my mouth is not pretty.

I know he would like to see me swallow it. By the way, do you literally have to swallow it? I mean just look at the term blowjob. You don't actually blow that damn thing do you? Anyway, I did try to swallow it but my throat automatically brought down the gates and shut the entry doors.

I let the gooey fluid create waves in my mouth for awhile. You know what it tastes like??? It tastes like overconcentrated cream of mushroom soup! I don't know if that's what it's supposed to taste like. I mean, others smell chlorox, I smell barley. So I don't know. Urgh!

Enough sex talk. I didn't eat much yesterday. Even at Zam Zam, I only ate I think about 1/4 of the sardine murtabak I had ordered. My appetite seemed to have gone MIA yesterday. But that's good. I'm losing weight.

Gosh! I can't stop yawning! I'm gonna go to the "inspiration room" for awhile and get a few seconds of shut eye. Ciao!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, August 15, 2003 @ 2:50 pm

Dear Blogger,

After all the things I've done for him, this is the thanks I get. At times like this, I just wish that I had really broken up with him. This is my chance. Break up with him now!

AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 14, 2003 @ 9:49 am

Dear Blogger,

It's Heaven's way of having a laugh isn't it when as soon as you're on your way to work, in a cab, bus or train, it started to rain, HEAVILY! If I had gone out 5 minutes later, I don't think I'll be at work today. Most probably, I'll be in bed, catching sleep.

I'm thinking about quitting my job, but I've to be practical about it. The job isn't what it used to be anymore. It used to be fun. Now, it's... work. It's really a drag coming to work 5 days a week. Everyday, I feel like there's an extra lead magically placed on my shoulders. Just having to drag myself out of bed uses up lots of energy.

I think the job will be more bearable if there's someone else like me in the office. There used to be but he went on to another job 2 years ago. It was also about the time when I met Din.

Anyway, he was fun company. A pain in my arse sometimes but fun. But he's a scorpio, so no chances there. He's boyish, charming and annoying. Exciting for flings, but a misery for a relationship, even if its a short one. We didn't have either mind you.

I had this really bizarre dream about crashing into Aaron Aziz's place. Of all people, Aaron Aziz??? I'm not even a fan! Pubescent girls may go gaga over him, but not me. I prefer my man MANly. He's a pretty face and nothing more.

The previous night's dream was even better. Fully inspired by the car chase scene in Bad Boys 2. But damn! There was no Will Smith in my dream. I was driving a really HOT car, chasing after some baddie, down the highway. I think it almost gave me an orgasm driving fast and furious.

Hmmm... I think I'd really have an orgasm if I really do drive a Ferrari like Will Smith's. Of course, in real life, I'm a safe driver. I don't weave in and out of cars unnecessarily. I check my blind spots often. I'm a good traffic user.

It's a full moon week and I haven't had an "Ohhh baby I think I've died and gone to heaven" fuck. Everyone is so busy these days and its affecting our sexual life. I don't need to fuck every night, I don't even to but I would love to feel loved and pampered every night. Is that so hard?

Call me every night and whisper me sweet nothings. SMS me cutesy pictures or messages. Tell me that I'm special. Tease me till I'm wet. These are not hard to do are they?

Sometimes I think men are really daft and ignorant. They think they are better lovers but they are too arrogant to ask a woman how she'd want to be loved or fucked.

For example, if he'd ask me what would get me into the mood, my answer is, comfort. Just make me comfortable and I enjoy being in your presence, then you're going to get lucky. I don't mean getting ourselves a bed and expect sparks to fly. It should be more than just sex. There should be a chemistry between us.

It's always the little things that you do that makes the most difference. I remembered a time when I was feeling so frustrated and distant, Din unwittingly stroke my hair like I'm a kitten. That's a comforting gesture and it really made me warm up to him a bit.

Sometimes, when he's driving, out of habit, I'd stroke the base of his head, slightly above his neck. I'd do so without thinking. I'd have to keep my hands to myself though if its some other guy that's driving. That's why I keep my hands folded or clasped together if I'm in the passenger seat.

By the way, fucking in car is a no no. It's too back-breaking.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2003 @ 7:20 am

Dear Blogger,

I must be out of my mind. The sun isn't up yet and I'm already in the office. My mind and body aren't awake yet but I'm in the office.

I slept for 2.5 hours only. Gosh! I must be nuts! I couldn't go back to sleep. I closed my eyes but I couldn't doze off. My eyes are wide awake!

I hope this is just a one-time thing. I don't want to do this everyday. This is crazy! I need 8 hours of sleep. Even when in school, when midnight studying and "live" football matches at 3 bloody am were the norm, I still had at least 4 hours of sleep. 2.5 hours???

The office is so quiet. I think the whole building is quiet. This is so unreal. It feels like twilight zone. Can you hear it? That annoying music in the background?

What the hell did I do last night? I watched a movie that's all. I remembered rain after the movie but I was somewhere in Adam Road sipping tea. It was bloody heavy rain and I remembered saying to myself, I should be in bed.

I couldn't drive properly home. I couldn't see very well. It was dark and it was raining. Double bogey. Thank goodness there were hardly any cars at that hour.

Shit! What the hell am I doing in the office at this hour?! Is the sun up yet??? Is there a cheap hotel nearby where I could sneak a few hours of nap? Oh heaven... it's only 7:16am.

Somebody call 999 or 993 or whatever the ambulance number is. I've finally lost it!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2003 @ 9:21 am

Dear Blogger,

Do you know what I hate most sometimes? It's coming home to a house that's no longer a home.

Often, I am tempted to just pack my bags and go. I almost rented an apartment once. I was almost tempted to run away again last night.

Sydney is slipping away from me. Time is running out and I don't know what to do. My head hurts just thinking about it.

What if I run away now? Will anybody care at all? Where will I go? How will I survive? Life is not like television or the movies. The reel life is so distorted. I guess that's why these medium have survived. They play on our fantasies. Even the "reality" shows are a bunch of fantasies.

I think I'm slowly getting sucked into my fantasies. Sometimes, the lines between real and fiction have become blurred. The images in my head seemed so much more real that in real life itself.

I know this symptom. It's schizophrenia. I'm turning into a schizo aren't I? I'm not content to being just a bulimic, I have to be a schizo too?

I'm falling deep and fast. Sooner or later, I may not separate fact and fiction. Am I going crazy? What is craziness anyway? If I'm crazy, does it make everyone else sane?

What is sanity? Is living life controlled by unforseen circumstances sane? Is working yourself to death just to pay bills considered sane?

I am alone in my struggles. My shoulders are heavy with burden and expectations. My tears are permanently swelling in my eyes. Is death the answer? It is a tempting answer.

I don't need a fancy death. Usually the quiet ones have the most impact. Sometimes I wonder if I wake up tomorrow. And once I do wake up, I feel a sense of disappointment that I did.

I am drifting. I just let my body take control of my movements. If my legs want to walk, I'll walk. If my arms want to reach out for you, then I will. It's my senses that are not awake. My eyes are blur. My ears are deaf. I am totally oblivious to my surroundings. I'm too lost in my thoughts and misery. I am lost in the wilderness of my imagination.

Sincerely,
modgurl.


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Monday, August 11, 2003 @ 5:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm a curse to all men. I'm a threat to all women. I had better cease communicating with all men, especially those married ones.

Never had I any intention of getting myself physically and emotionally involved with other men. I guess some men, and women think otherwise.

I have deleted all contact details of men in my mobile, save Din's. I think his too will eventually cease to exist in my electronic memory. I've deleted all messages that was sent from married men. All of it.

I will cease to remember that these men exist in the first place. I shall make myself forgotten from their minds. I will no longer exist too.

If this is drastic, then so be it. I think I've caused enough trouble already, intentionally or not. I'm sick of it all. Even when my intentions are pure, they are deemed evil. I can never win.

To all those women and men whose lives I have somehow affected and disrupted, I am not sorry. I have not done anything wrong, so there is no reason for me to apologise. Hate me if you wish, but I've hated and been hated far too long. It doesn't concern me anymore.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:17 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's amazing. He didn't even ask me what's wrong. Is he that daft or he simply doesn't care anymore?

He asked me to come over for lunch but I'm not going to. He insisted so I ignore him. In the past, when I'm quiet, he would ask me if I have a problem. He doesn't ask me that anymore. He doesn't ask me anything at all. Now, it's always "I want this, I want that" and I give it to him like a mother buying toys for her son.

I'm so tired. I'm just so tired.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, August 10, 2003 @ 9:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

I miss my computers. I miss my Internet. I miss my cable tv. I miss my bed, my pillows, my baby bears, my comforter, my rugs, my mess. I miss all the luxuries a kampung does not have.

Last Friday, I went to a kampung in Johor with my girlfriend. It's her fiance's grandparents' place. My parents were going to a kampung as well, but it was in Melaka. It was my aunt's place.

I couldn't decide where to go. Should I go with my girlfriend or should I go with my family. Either way I will lose. One has her fiance to keep her company, the other has a very annoying and blood-boiling relatives to put up with. I think that this will be the last time that I will be on a trip with a couple. I have no desire to be a lamp post again.

The kampung was alright. Typical Malaysian kampung. There were roadworks along the village so electricity and water were cut-off intermittently.

I was already feeling uncomfortable before we reached the place. I felt like an intruder in a family gathering. The countrysiders must have thought I was a circus freak or something. Afterall, I've never been to a kampung before.

I admit that I will never belong to a kampung society. I'm too modern and bourgeois for it. I want my traffic noise and my nightlife. I feel safer somehow.

Plus, the fact that I was an outsider, it just made things worse for me. I missed home terribly. I missed Din but I doubt he even thought of me. Not once, did he call or sms he saying he misses me. Not once! If action speaks louder than words, then he hasn't acted anything at all.

On Saturday night, the moon was already full. I couldn't help feeling lonely. Then I felt suffocated. I felt trapped in a box. I'm shouting, but no one hears me. I called out to people but all they tell me was to take care of myself. Don't they understand?! I want to be taken care of. I deserve to be taken care of!

Then came a revelation. Din and I are addicted to each other. We no longer love each other. At least I know he doesn't love me anymore. We're just together because it's convenient. Dating is hard work. Who wants hard work???

I want to walk away but I run back. I'm losing myself. I'm already killing myself by throwing up forcibly. Where is my hero?! I'm so tired of being supergirl. I want to be rescued.

Sometimes, I wish I hadn't felt how falling in love feels like. It's a dangerous drug. A moment of bliss, a lifetime of pain. That's my belief now.

If I die tomorrow, will anyone remember me? If someone does, how will he remember me by?

I'm just so tired.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, August 08, 2003 @ 1:28 pm

Dear Blogger,

I hate hypocrites. Especially those who thinks they are so religiously up there.

I came to work today in a casual outfit. Really casual outfit. ie. I wasn't wearing a headscarf today. Why? Because I'm on half day leave and I'm travelling to Malaysia this afternoon.

I prefer to be really casual when I'm travelling for practical reasons. You don't attract unwanted attention and if the weather's hot, the lesser you wear, the cooler you feel.

So what's the issue with headscarves anyway??? It's not like I've not been to the office in casual mode before. Does it make me less Muslim if I'm not wearing a headscarf? Does it make me less Muslim if I wear a T-shirt?

What right have these people to judge me anyway? Have they looked at themselves in the mirror lately?

I think people should not judge others before they judge themselves first. I'm a normal, young, single person. I like to have fun too. I go to clubs, I hang out with guys, etc etc. My lifestyle is directed to the left side I admit but it does not make me less Muslim.

I know the basic Islamic principles. I'm not an Islamic scholar and we all know that some Islamic scholars out there are murderers basically no matter what name they call themselves.

I know what's right and what's wrong. I'm conscious of my sins everyday. That fact alone makes me a good Muslim doesn't it? I know there are people who does not even claim they're Muslims.

All these nonsense are a pain in my arse. No wonder Muslims and Malays in nature take too long to progress. They always work on the negative things, rarely on the good things.

Also, if they do have an issue, they never work on the issue right in the face. For example, if you have a problem with my dressing, tell it to my face, not behind my arse.

Gosh! It wasn't like I came to the office in a bikini. I'm wearing a full length skirt and a polo tee. Well, ignore all these losers. Every 5 who have that problem, there's 10 who commented on how beautiful I looked.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, August 07, 2003 @ 1:36 am

Dear Blogger,

My driving skills have improved a little. My parking was good. Managed to do in under a minute. I'm a fast learner.

I know that there's a lot of guys out there who are interested in my sex life. Big deal! I'm not the only one who had sex last night. I got queries all day about it. What most people don't understand is that just because I write about it, it doesn't mean that I like to discuss it.

Writing helps me to make sense of the turmoil in me. It's a cost-saving therapy. Personally, I don't think I'm a great writer. I'm not Fitzgerald or Hemingway. This is secondary school writing. But the point is, I write because it's therapy for me.

I would describe myself as liberal but it doesn't mean that I'm a player. I'm not! Sometimes I get offended by all these advances made by certain people out there. If you want to get to know me as a friend, please do so without hidden agendas. I just hate conniving slime buckets. Be honest!

So, if I'm writing about my sex life, then it means I've problems understanding it. It's not that it's not good. It's GREAT sometimes. Just like last night. But as a single, early 20s Asian female, there's always these questions lingering in my head. Like, what does it all mean? Is this love or just sex? Why hasn't he cum yet? Have I reached orgasm yet? Etc etc etc.

Don't laugh but I don't think I know for sure what an orgasm really is. I don't know if I've had one even! And what the hell is masturbation??? Does it apply to guys only or what?

I know. I think too much. I can't help myself. I'm not a screamer. I'm not really a moaner. I prefer to be lost out there while doing it. I love to be nibbled at. My erogenous zone isn't my cunt, contrary to popular belief. No, I'm not going to disclose my errogenous zones. Where's the fun if it's widely known???

Went to Adam Road Food Centre for supper. It's Murphy's Law. Just when you wanted something, it's not there. I've been craving for tongue soup for days already. Guess what? The stall was closed! !@#$ (censored for PG rating).

The police boys were just coming in for supper too. There's something about men in blue, or men in airforce pilot uniform. It just makes my engine go into second gear.

I've asked Din several times before if he could put on his uniform just for foreplay's sake. He refused of course. He respects his uniform. He's not into dressing up games.

I've always fancied myself doing a Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. You know, the scene with the tie at the dinner table. I still have my school tie. I'll wear my school tie and nothing else. But... he's not into it.

Or me in a white shirt and nothing else. Anyway, he's content in me being in my own skin. I tried to do a striptease once. It didn't work. He doesn't care what I'm wearing as long as it'll be off in minutes.

I'm a boxers person. I think guys look better in boxers. I'm not a bra person. Bra's make my skin itch. For this reason alone, I thank God I'm not a double D.

Oh! Here's anothing thing. Glow-in-the-Dark condoms do not glow in the dark at all. I repeat, they do not glow in the dark at all. Rip off!!!

I'm going to try the strawberry flavoured condom one of these days. What am I supposed to do with it? Am I supposed to blow with it or what? Obviously, my cunt can't taste the strawberry flavour can it???

I'm off to bed now. It has been a very, very long day. But my cold is gone now. Sex IS the best medicine!!! I should do it more often, for health's sake.

OK, my eyes just closed for 5 minutes. PUBLISH THIS ENTRY ALREADY!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, August 06, 2003 @ 11:17 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm still sick. I'm tired. I need more sleep. I want to take the day off but I can't. No one is covering my work and I've deadlines to meet.

Perhaps, meeting Din last night was a bad idea. I should be sleeping 8 hours at home instead of frollicking with him in the bathtub until 2 in the morning.

He just got off from work last night so obviously he wasn't in a chatty mood. He was tired. Yet, he insisted on spending the night with me. So OK, I did encourage him but he insisted on it.

I picked up the car at 12am and drove to his place to fetch him. That was a mistake. I should have just made him go to our place himself. He was even more critical of my driving than my dad was!

One minute I was too fast. The next minute, I was too slow. When I was fast, he asked to slow down. When I was slow, he asked to speed up. Geez!!! Once a policeman, ALWAYS a policeman, even when you're out of the uniform.

He dares to criticise me when his driving skills are even more reckless than mine. Of course, his excuse was that he was taught to drive that way and its critical in his job that he drives that way. Men! Hypocrites all.

He didn't realise it but he had already spoiled whatever lusty feelings I have last night in the first 5 minutes of his entrance in the car. Man, I should have dropped him at Upper Changi Road. Let him walk back home alone.

As always, he knows what buttons to push and how to push them. Damn! I love it (hate it later) whenever he does that. I just lose my sense of control when he does that. It's like I'm under a spell of something. It's definitely not Love Potioin No. 9 because he needs to do something about his fragrance fast. And it's definitely not Chlorets or Smint because his lungs are like a nicotine factory and its affecting his breath.

So what is it about him that turns me into jelly? His looks? Hmm... I won't answer that. His charm? Occassionally. His "skills"? There's room for improvement. So what else is there???

In the bathtub, for the first time in a long, long time, I heard him moan. Boy! That was arousing. It was like boinking a different person. Whoa! Who is this fella in the bathtub with me??? Give it to me baby. Faster and harder baby. Yeah!

I know I had great sex when I could not hear him snore while I was sleeping. I didn't toss and turn. I didn't dream about anything. Do I dare say that I was sleeping like a baby???

We had another round of it. This time, it was longer. Too long I think. I've warned smokers so many times before. Smoking kills the sperm. That's why Din couldn't reach IT even after an hour of "aerobic" activitities. Keep on smoking and eventually I have to seek the Sperm Clinic help.

To be continued... my eyes cannot opne already.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, August 05, 2003 @ 9:32 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm not feeling very well. I'm down with a cold but I'm down with it only when I'm at work. It's odd isn't it? No, I'm not faking it. It was so bad yesterday that I was tempted to call in sick. But I couldn't. I have reports overdue and I can't delay them any further.

I thought I could get an MC today but I thought what for? I don't want to spend the whole day at home. Besides, everyone else is at work. If Din isn't working today, then I would have seriously considered it.

I could go for a drive but where's the fun in driving alone on Singapore roads on a weekday??? Plus, I've to pay ERP.

Ahhhhchoooooo!!! *sniff sniff*... Bless me. It's all in the mind baby.

Gosh my eyes are feeling lazy again. The pull of gravity is just too strong for my eyes. I'm dreaming of my bed. I'm dreaming of my pillow. I'm dreaming of my horny red devil baby.

Last night, I saw that the moon is almost out. That means, it's going to be full moon next week. Gee... I can't wait for my hormones to go on rampage again. *rolls eyes*.

Even with the half moon, I am already half horny. I'll bet you, all it takes for me to go all the way is just a flick of the tongue on my neck. That's it. What can I say? I'm a neck person.

That explains the fetish on vampires. Ooohhh... just thinking about it makes my tits wake up. Which bloodsucking devil would I want to be a victim of? Hmmm... It has to be Gary Oldman. Have you seen him in Bram Stoker's Dracula??? He can have my neck anytime baby.

Din knows it and he plays it well. That conniving fat but charming imp! He wanted me to come over to his place for lunch but I was sick and too busy to do so. Besides, I didn't have a car yesterday. Well, let him ache for me for a while more. If I have to wait for him, then he has to learn to wait for me. I've said before, I'm not a cassette tape that plays when you press play.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, August 04, 2003 @ 12:36 am

Dear Blogger,

what a weekend! I was on the road the whole day yesterday and today. My butt is getting used to the driver seat.

I rented a car yesterday. I was given a Nissan Sunny EXSaloon. I was pretty intimidated by it because it looked so huge. And also, the last idiot who drove it parked it head first. That would not be a problem if the carpark has wide open spaces. Well, this carpark is in the basement of a mall and this particular parking lot is bloody near the entrance/exit of the carpark. So, you can imagine the amount of traffic I have to endure.

The first 5 minutes of my legal driving experience was a heart attack in the making. While trying to reverse the car out of the lot, I almost hit the car parked on my left. I've forgotten about the car. And I seriously heard a horrifying bump when I hit it. I checked and both cars were unharmed.

Then, came the exit out of the carpark. I've forgotten to look for the exit ticket or something similar. The carpark is cashcard based. So idiot me, I thought I had to use my cashcard to get out of there. It puzzled me because logically it didn't make sense. So, I pressed the button for help. I could see a long at the back and the driver behind was shaking his head. Hey! Relax will ya! I'm on my maiden drive here!

The drive down the expressway was cool. It was nerve-wrecking and my heart was still beating fast because of the earlier incidents. I guess it was nerve-wrecking because I was in the car alone. There was nobody to talk to. Nobody to give directions. The only thing I had on to distract my anxiety was the radio.

I remembered praying so hard that I don't have to encounter any slopes at all and I can park the car without hitting any other cars. I've always wondered we were taught parking with poles when in real life, there are no poles to guide us while we are parking. Whatever the driving intructors reasoning are, the least they could do is to teach us how to park without poles!

I picked up my girlfriend at about 3:30pm. We were heading to Royal Plaza for high tea. Again I was intimidated. This time, about parking in Orchard Road. Where the hell am I going to park in Orchard Road on a weekend???

I tried to park at Pacific Plaza but the carpark was full. That was ok if the FUCKING carpark ISN'T on a STEEP SLOPE!!! Worse! I had to reverse to aloow the car in front of me to get out of the carpark. Reverse on a slope?! I was driving a manual car for God's sake!!!

Then, my worse daymare was brought to life. I had to do a U-turn, but this U-turn was on a short but STEEP slope off Scotts Road. Oh God! I had my biting point ready but the damn car couldn't move! Several times, it stalled and already there was a queue behind me. There was a lot of shouting in the car but I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't figure why the damn car couldn't move. Guess what? I was set on second gear. Yeah yeah. Laugh all you want. But I bet you had a similar experience when you first started out.

High tea was cool. It was very relaxed. I ate till I couldn't eat anymore. There is something about buffet that makes people eat and eat even though you're full. The high tea buffet was more like a dinner buffet. I fear to think what the dinner buffet would actually be like.

We headed off to Far East Plaza, on foot. Bought some stuff. Typical shopaholic. Went to a newly opened adult novelty shop there. Nothing extraodinary in there. The shop is like a carbon copy of all the adult novelty shop I've been in Singapore. I think all these shops get their supplies from the same supplier. There were good laughs. I was tempted to buy some erotic outfit but I thought who is going to see it? I mean, Din is too busy to care anyway.

We chilled at Clarke Quay's Elephant Bar and Grill after that. I don't drink of course but nobody said that you have to have alcoholic beverages in pubs or clubs. River view, people watching, loud music... Ahhhhh~ that's life.

Lastly, we played pool at East Coast. We both sucked at it, but who cares. We're just there to shoot some pool that's all.

All night, my parking skills had not improved at all. Once, I parked so close to a car, I must have looked like an idiot by other drivers. It took me an average of 5 minutes to get the car in its proper lot.

The next bane in my driving experience is road blocks. What are the odds of you getting into a road block, twice?! It just had to be me doesn't it? But nothing happened. The police guys let me through. I guess they just let pretty lady drivers through. Haha. I wouldn't mind being pulled over. They're young and cute. I would have asked for their contacts.

I think the best thrill I experienced last night was driving down TPE/SLE at 140km/h. There were few cars, no traffic lights, no obstacles. Just me and a bare road. I've always believed that I'm a speed demon at heart.

I went to a car showroom at Ubi this afternoon. I asked my parents along. I especially wanted my dad to accompany me because in my mind, I thought he would ask the right questions. He was hopeless! And a pain! He commented everything about my driving skills until I hate to grit my teeth to control my temper.

He was so insisting on me buying a Nissan Sunny that I regretted ever asking him along. My agenda this afternoon was to look at cars and just go window shopping. I have already said I was interested in the new Lancer GLX but he just ignored me. He zoomed in on a Nissan, which is so not me! I'm young and reckless. I don't want a family car. I want a fast and furious car. Even when I suggested a cheaper alternative, he just snubbed me.

I didn't purchase any car today. I didn't intend to. He suggested that I just save whatever money I have and wait for next year. What he was trying to tell me was to save the money for his needs.

And I was right. He asked me for money again. You can't have money and you can't have no money. You just can't win.

I called my girlfriend and we chilled at a coffee shop in Sembawang. When you have a car, you can afford to have coffee at faraway places.

I almost got a ticket for parking without a coupon. The bloody parking person interrupted my tranquility. I had to run and get my car out of the spot before he comes and park it somewhere else.

That was really eventful, wasn't it? I'm so worn out. It was supposed to be get-together weekend but it ended spent with just me and my girlfriend. The others were too sick, too lazy, too indecisive and too not bothered to join us. But that's OK. No biggie.

Remind me to get Rock a bondage set. It sure feels like he was in bondage lately. I'm sure his girlfriend doesn't mind too. Playing bondage is fun and erotic sometimes but onces you've played it often, it becomes routine and mundane.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, August 01, 2003 @ 9:11 am

Dear Blogger,

I must have really wanted to own a car until I even dreamt about it last night. I dreamt that I was cruising in my car all over Singapore. I don't know what car I was driving but who cares??? I'm legally allowed to drive now!

But how do I go about buying a car??? Should I get a spanking brand new one or a less expensive 2nd hand one? It's odd because almost none of my guy friends know anything about buying cars.

My 1st choice car: Mitsubishi Lancer 1.6 Manual GLXi, preferrably 2000 and above.

I don't know about engines. I don't know about OMVs. I don't know about all those technical mambo jambo. So somebody please help me out!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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