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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, July 03, 2003 @ 8:59 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm filled with a renewed sense of calm today. It's hard to get out of bed as usual and I felt like I needed more sleep. But there was this unusual calmness all over me that's slighly invigorating.

It was like the world is going to drift by peacefully today. No sense of hurriedness. No sense of chaos. No sense of self-sympathy. I was literally floating on my way to work. My eyes seemed to see the surroundings differently. They seemed to be more colourful, more life-like.

Am I going to die? I read somewhere that people who are about to die will experience this sensation. What a morbid thought on such a glorious morning like this. I swear I'm not on drugs. The only drug I had this morning was chocolate milk.

I am on a fasting trip today. I'm going to abstain from food as much as possible. I believed I ate too much in the last few weeks. I had to give something in return.

I threw up last night, after eating a bowl of spicy noodles. It was a self-induced throw up. It felt good and scary at the same. It felt good because I felt like I was throwing up the poisons in me. The poisons that weaken my body and my mind. It felt scary because it felt like deja vu. It started out like this and I was eventually diagnosed with bulimia.

On sober days, I find this behaviour utterly stupid. But sober days are hard and few. It's ironic. I can be so intelligent at times but stupid too. But for me to realise that stupidity is intelligence in itself.

I pity for those who love me. I don't deserve their love. How can anyone love me when I don't even love myself? Patience is a part of love. How can I expect patience from anyone if I'm not patient with myself?

Often, I feel like there are multiple personalities of me. Just like Jekyl and Hyde, but more! There's the Intelligent moddie, the Sweet and Demure moddie, the Tormented moddie and the Ambitious moddie. Who am I right now?

I am just moddie. A complicated being who seeks self-understanding and fulfillment.


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