modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Thursday, July 31, 2003 @ 12:44 pm

Dear Blogger,

I have a headache. I'm thinking about my studies. I have a feeling that I have to forgo this because I can't afford to pay the tuition fees. Even when I wanted to apply for a study loan, I realised that I don't meet the basic requirements. Even if I can, who can I ask for guarantors who meet the criteria? There isn't anyone I know.

Who is generous enough to lend me $58,000 for 3 years of full-time course in Sidney??? I don't know of such person.

It feels like 2000 again. That's how it started. My depression. I wanted so badly to go to UK to study, but the disappointment really cut me deep. I blamed myself for everything. Not smart enough. Not ambitious enough. Not this, not that. I didn't wake up and I think I still have not woken up. I'm comatose.

I'm sad. I'm wounded. If anyone can help me in any way, please contact me. I really need all the help I can get. I really, really want to study again.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:08 am

Dear Blogger,

He sure knows how to win me back. He pleaded and pleaded until the wee hours of the morning asking if he could see me. I told him yeah sure. Just wait for me downstairs and watch a helmet does a superman from the 3rd storey. That's what he was interested in anyway right?

Finally he sent me an sms which just cracked my icy interior. How does he do that???

We chatted and joked and fooled around outside, at the staircase. I swear to God, if HSA or CID were to conduct DNA investigation on that staircase, they will find PLENTY of his evidence there. Hey, when you have to do it, you just have to do it!

He was very amused when I presented him the glow-in-dark condoms and the light-up red devil condom. Damn! I should have showed him the handcuffs too and cuffed his hand to the staircase. Hehe. That would be quite a sight.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, July 30, 2003 @ 10:14 pm

Dear Blogger,

I finally passed that damn driving test. I got 16 demerit points but all those points basically say that I was too slow. Yeah right! The last tester said I was too fast. Now, this tester said I was too slow?! Make up your mind will you?! If only he knew what a speed demon I could be.

It's supposed to be a happy occassion right? Afterall, one obstacle already conquered. I should be out partying or dancing naked under the moonlight (OK, no moon tonight) or doing something with friends, family, BOYFRIEND! So where the hell is everyone?! I'm here at home, on MY own, stuffing myself with carrot cake. Where's my congratulatory party??? Where's my buffet???

That motherfucker did it again. He promised to meet me today. PROMISED!!! I waited. 10:30am. 11:30am. 12:30pm?! Where was he??? AT HOME! GETTING THE BIKE!!! What?! Suddenly SBS or TIBS close shop??? Comfort on strike??? SMRT didn't pay its electricity bills???

What is wrong with you people?! No bike no car can't take public transport??? For Devil's sake! We have one of the world's most advanced public transport system and you can't get your arse to sit in one???

I had already reached home when he sms saying "Dear, I'm already here. Where are you sayang?". Sayang my ARSE!!! Men don't keep women waiting. It's not in the rule book!

I fell asleep after lunch. There goes my diet again. Something must have happened while I was sleeping. I felt like I should be nicer to him. What the fuck???

I got up, got dressed and headed off to my student's place. In the cab, I hatched this plan to surprise him. I was going to end lesson early, rush off to Lavender, get him that fucking Arai Ram II helmet and jump on him at his place. Surprise!!!

At the helmet shop, I followed my instinct, called him instead and guess what? He's at BLOODY work!!! Oh no. I should rephrase that. In his words, he was "at HQ, assisting the investigators in an investigation". Boy, did I give him a piece of my mind.

One of these days, I will succumb the urge to write to the Minister of Home Affairs. I'm going to ask him if he knows what his second liners are doing down at the stations. Oh fuck! How the fuck am I to contribute to the birth population of Singapore if he's working MY ought-to-be husband-to-be to near death?! I can't conceive 5 kids on my own you know.

It's so ironic. One minute the government campaigns for more family time, the next, there's all this hoo-haa about security. I can't have quality time with my soon-to-be-ex-darling-if-this-carry-on-for-much-longer if HE DOES NOT HAVE TIME!!!

I don't mind one bit if he works 24/7 IF the police force is PAYING him to work 24/7. He doesn't get OT pay. He got called up on his off days. That's equivalent to slavery isn't it?! Suddenly no one wants to be a police officer anymore??? HELLO!!! There's so many interested candidates out there. Open your bloody eyes people!!!

Gosh! It takes a woman to do things right. Since he's too busy to meet me (I can count the number of days we've met up this year), I will just keep that $515 helmet with me. Who knows? I may sign up for the Class 2B course anyway.

Have a fucking SWELL birthday SAYANG!!! Hope the FORCE remembers you when your old and senile. If they give you a gold watch, it shows how much they appreciate your contribution.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, July 28, 2003 @ 10:08 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm sick today. OK, so what's new? No, I mean I'm physically sick today.

I went to the Staff Clinic after breakfast at MacDonald's. For the first time, I couldn't finish my porridge. It was eventually deposited into the toilet bowl, together with the hot milo I was drinking. Believe me. The sight was nightmarish.

The doctor said I may have eaten something which didn't go well with my stomach. That's why I kept throwing up. Just hear her talking makes me want to throw up.

I was on half day leave actually but with this MC I saved half a day of annual leave. Still, it came at an unfortunate time. I have deadlines that sound more and more like ticking timebombs every single minute. But when you're sick, you're sick right?

My boss was already asking about the Specialist Diploma cert which I was supposed to receive by now. Yeah sure. IF I had completed the second semester that is! Why didn't I complete it? Ask Din.

I'm in deep shit aren't I? I've already contacted the school to how I can complete this course. The HOD said I've to wait till next January because that's when the second semester modules will be conducted. Shit! Oh! Have I mention that the hospital sponsored this for this course? Yeah. I'm in a really deep shit.

I'm so sleepy. I've been sleeping as soon as I reached home slightly before noon. I had to wake up to go for driving practice. I almost slept while I was driving! I still can't understand why I'm not legally allowed to drive. I should be considering I'm a really safe driver (ignore the sleeping part).

Wednesday is my last chance to finally nail that damn practical test. Doesn't anyone up there love me???

Cut the crap already. It's been a lousy day. It's a shitty day basically. Well, that's not right. It'll be a really shitty day once the diarrheoa kicks in. And that will be soon.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:43 am

Dear Blogger,

I just love retail therapy. Even more so when I have the money to go on such therapy. Me and my friend went on a shopping spree at Causeway Point yesterday. At least I did. I don't know how much I've spent in all. I'm very sure I've busted my spending budget.

Here's what I've bought:
1. Low hipster bootleg denim pants that shows off my arse if I sit down.
2. 2 pairs of bikini set that will sure set some of the guys' hormones on overdrive.
3. 2 pairs of baju kurung that make me look like a datin's daughter.
4. Silk nightgown and 3 pairs of bra and panty set from a lingerie shop.
5. Some aromatherapy oils from Body Shop.
6. A pair of personalised handphone accessories with Din and my name on it.
7. Devil soft toy with horny tail. *LOL*

Hmmm... I think that's it. I know I spent more but can't remember on what exactly right now.

Din loves the lingerie I bought. I showed him via webcam last night. Nope. That's not the word. I modelled it for him. Yeah that's it! He was in such a good mood. I almost forgot that he does have good moods. He was chatty and cracking jokes. We stayed up till 2 plus a.m. chatting online on Yahoo Messenger. It's just... not him.

Is this what happens to guys who are about to turn 25??? He even says he loves me! I've been praying for days like this and when it finally happens, I have suspicions about it. Geez! Women!

Check out my bikini top on the right! (Ignore the damn bloody annoying tan lines. Pointless applying sun block every few hours. I still get burnt.)

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, July 24, 2003 @ 9:40 am

Dear Blogger,

My dad asked me for money again. I hate it when he does that. I have my own needs too. I planned to use whatever thousands of dollars I have for my studies. I can't do that now can I? There's always someone who wants a piece of it. And me being such an awfully nice person, I can't say no. Even if I can say no, my conscience won't let me rest in peace for days. So you see. I'm not a bad person. In fact, I'm a generous person.

My dad is geared up to set up his own food stall. He is in the final stages of setting up the stall. It's at Changi Village by the way. Yeah yeah. Where the notorious nasi lemak fans congregate. I'm not a big fan of nasi lemak. I'm a hainanese chicken rice person. My dad isn't going to serve nasi lemak. He's probably going to sell normal rice dishes, noodles and satay (everning menu). Hmmm... probably. That isn't a good solid plan is it? His last update was that his opening and ribbon cutting ceremony was tentatively set on National Day. Yeah right!

Din has finally returned my PS2. I've been asking for it for almost half a year already. But last night, he was so persistent on returning it to me. I told him to just return it to me on Saturday because my schedule was already packed last night. He refused to. I told him I had tuition at 10:30pm on HTML and he got upset. When I told him my student was a guy, not even a boy, he went off the roof!

Was that jealousy or distrust? Gosh! He can be very unreasonable at times. I admit it's a fact that you can never trust guys especially when you're alone with one. But when the intentions are honest and pure, how could anything go wrong? For example, my honest to goodness intention next year is to study. Does it mean I'm going to shag my professor too??? Well... if he's single and available and pleasant looking. I don't mind. Hey! Stop that! I'm not going to do such a thing OK.

He's been bugging me for an Arai Ram II helmet which cost a jaw-dropping $500!!! If he really wants a bloody good solid helmet, I'll give him a hard hat. He's been lobbying it as his most wanted birthday present. It's next Tuesday by the way. He wants it so badly that he's giving me all these questionable undying attention. He calls me. He sms me. He talks to me. That's right. He has conversations with me. All for a silly bike helmet???

But I'm not complaining. It's morally wrong I know. Most men don't know the meaning of ethics anyway. Haha.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2003 @ 4:26 pm

Dear Blogger,

What is wrong with my love life? Nothing! There's nothing wrong with it. I would like to assure everyone that I'm fine. Thanks for the comments in the guestbook. I'm fine ok. The problem is not me. It's guys! They are the problem. Not me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 3:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

Most guys are shit! Just because they didn't get what they wanted, they treat you like a pest. Well... what can I say? It's their loss. FUCK OFF!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:58 am

Dear Blogger,

I've run out of brain juice. I feel so drained out. I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning and the past mornings for that matter. I feel tired by lunchtime. Where has my energy gone to anyway???

I know I've been working out a lot. Running, stair-climbing, swimming, etc. But isn't regular exercise supposed to give you MORE energy instead of depleting it???

I also know that I haven't been eating regularly. I've been throwing up more than I eat. It's a bad habit so sue me!

I'm working 14 hours daily. I spent too much time at work than at home. I haven't given myself enough time to pamper myself. Hmmm... I should get laid this weekend. I deserve it.

Meetings, meetings, meetings. Discussions, discussions, discussions. Questions, answers, questions, answers. I just wish that for 5 bloody minutes, my brain would just shut down. Even my damn IBM PC needs to be rebooted every now and then, so why not my brain???

Maybe that Phuket trip sounds like a good idea. But I doubt he will ask me about it after what happened on Monday night. There goes another dissatisfied customer.

I just don't get it. How did I get myself into this? Have I projected myself as too liberal? I mean, just because I'm open to discuss about such things, it doesn't mean I will do it with any Tom, Dick and Harry. Even kissing is hard for me. I can't kiss just anyone. If I can do that, then I deserve to have balls over there!

I haven't talked to my boss about a possible sponsorship. If the hospital can grant me that, then it has my loyalty for as long as I'm required to. I really hate to apply for study loans because firstly, I despise rejection. Secondly, I hate to beg for guarantors. The last time I applied for a study loan, I went into semi-deep depression because I couldn't find any guarantors. Gosh! Just when I need help, no one is there to offer it. Is it so hard to sign your name of that document?! For God's sake! Everyone knows I'm not going to default on the payments. I have more sense of responsibility than that.

I really, really want to go back to school. I deserve it after what I've done here. It's long overdue anyway. I should be in school, working my arse off trying to get As for my tests and exams. It's such a waste to the academic world if I'm not part of it. Damn this screwed up world!!! The people here aren't worth fighting for anymore.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2003 @ 12:38 am

Dear Blogger,

What is it with guys??? Can't they be more patient? I can't make out with just anyone and I definitely can't make out with a snap of the finger. I need time. I need to feel comfortable.

Why can't guys understand that? I am not a cassette tape you know. I can't just play when you say play. You need to build up that momentum. You can't rush me.

It took Din 4 dates to finally get into 1st base. It took the other guy 6 months to lock lips with me last year. Patience do pay off you know.

Oh god! It's deja vu. This was how it all started. Oh no. I told myself I can't do this anymore. It's barely a year and I'm already tongue wrestling with another guy??? Shit!

Bloody hell! What am I going to do? Avoid all guys at all cost?! This is crazy. Wait a minute! I am already crazy. IMH-certified!!!

I'm out of here. I'm too innocent for all these.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, July 20, 2003 @ 9:29 pm

Dear Blogger,

Last night, I received a letter from IDP Australia. It's an Australian universities agency. I've been accepted to University of Sydney!!!

Gosh! I've forgotten I applied for a course there. I haven't thought about going back to school for awhile now. It just felt so unreal.

I told Din about it. He asked the requisite questions. Where is the course? What course? How long is the course? Do I have to go to Sydney? Blah blah blah. He didn't tell me directly but I've a feeling he didn't really share my job. He said he was happy for me that I was accepted. But I think he didn't really like the idea of me going to study overseas for a few years.

I'm not going to analyse his reactions. I've learnt that it will be a waste of my brain cells to do so. I was disappointed of course. I wanted his 110% support on this. I guess I have to do this on my own then.

I have to make my frist payment by October this year. I have to pay about A$9000. I have about half it right now. Who's going to be kind enough to donate me the other half???

As a result, there will no Bali, no car, no short getaways, no expensive dining, no treats and no impulsive shopping for me. All that will take a back seat for now. How the hell am I going to raise money for the tuition fees??? Study loan? The last time I applied for it, I was sorely rejected. Scholarship? Yeah right!

I really want to do this. I can't let money (or the lack of it) prevent me from doing what I want. I've lost that chance before and I'm not going to lose it again. I'm going to do this with or without anyone's support. Of course, I really need all the support I can get, expecially from the people I love. But... There it goes again... The but syndrome.

Wish me well. I can do this!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, July 19, 2003 @ 9:51 am

Dear Blogger,

I am so exhausted! It's raining even. I want to continue sleeping. I reached home at about 1am last night. I didn't want to go home late last night because I was already feeling drained out.

I sort of agreed that I will meet some friends at Raffles Place yesterday. I didn't really want to go but I've sort of promised. They needed me to be present because I own a digital camcorder. What can I say? I'm a bloody nice person. My conscience will create havoc in my mind for several days if I don't show up.

Anyway, I met them at 9:30pm. I saw that they too have just arrived. Hmm... the appointment was at 9pm. They didn't see me of course. No one does.

The plan was, I was to be there to film their recollections and revelations about KS chatroom. There was going to be a KS D&D early next month. So, one of the highlights of the event is a video clip of some of the pioneer chatters talking about the chatroom. I think these people watched too many award shows.

It's all fine and dandy IF they had planned and prepared themselves. What I've noticed about most people, especially Malays is that they have all these grand ideas, which is great really. BUT these ideas are never put on paper and worked on in a structured manner. No wonder we are seen as the weaker race. The Indians, who are an even smaller minority had surpassed us in terms of achievements.

I'm a task-oriented person, even if my approach is somewhat manic to some people. I like to see structure. I like to see organisation. I like to see preparedness. In other words, I don't like my time wasted.

Another bane about Malay culture is their reaction to assertiveness. I was already tired. My tolerance level for procrastination and irrelevant nonsense is on an already low level. To get things going, I tried to be in control of the situation. I guess everyone took that as arrogance and bossiness. Well... FUCK it man!

To give them credit, in overall, it wasn't so bad. Everyone had some fun I guess. Before anyone starts thinking that I was being such a SHIT by behaving like this, I would like to reiterate that I don't like my time wasted. I came with a purpose and I expect compliance and results. If the purpose of last night's event is to just chill and smoke dope, then I'll do it. But the purpose last night was to get everyone's memories of KS on film.

So what if I'm a bitch about it? Everyone needs a bitch in their group. Otherwise, things won't get done. As Margaret Thatcher once said, "If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman".

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, July 18, 2003 @ 1:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

Due to popular requests, I've added a guestbook on the site. I'm not a big fan of guestbooks, but what the hell?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 11:46 am

Dear Blogger,

If you notice, Din's picture is here again. It briefly disappeared for awhile. Gee... I wonder why...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:57 am

Dear Blogger,

Rock told me over supper that he's getting engaged late this year. I was already having a hard time swallowing the deep fried fish and chips and he told me this.

Rock? Engaged? Hmmm... I didn't ask to whom or to what. He can propose to a cow for all I care. I'll be happy for him all the same.

I had a quarrel with Din about me going to Bali. I didn't start it. He did! All I did was asked him if he was sure he couldn't get his leave approved. I told him that my travelling partner had backed out because his leave was not approved.

He went into jealousy mode when he realised that my travelling partner was a he. I was so ticked off by it that I went into angry lecture mode. I told him why would he care anymore with whom I was travelling with. Besides, I asked him first if he wanted to join me and he said no. I even told him about his surprise birthday present. Well, it's no longer a surprise is it?

Looking at a stranger's point of view, I think me and Din have a very weird and complicated relationship. I think we are the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of Singapore, except that we're not married and divorced. Somehow, despite our differences, we're still stuck on each other. I just don't get it. Life's great mysteries.

That reminds me. Girls reporting to their boyfriends on their every move are common right? What about guys reporting to their girlfriends??? That's just hilarious I think. OK OK! I was guilty of it occassionally but I didn't realise how funny the situation is until I saw it happened to ma main man ROCKY!!! *LOL*!!! Who would expect eh? Hehehehe...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, July 17, 2003 @ 12:43 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm feeling sad again. I feel like crying again, but I couldn't. And I guess, I woudn't. My tear reservoir has probably dried up by now. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of feeling sorry for others. I'm sick of giving in to others so that they'll be happy.

I want... I suddenly don't know what I want. I'm drifting.

I want to be in love again but that will be asking for trouble. I want to be in control again, but that is asking for radical changes. I want this, I want that and then, there's the buts.

I'm sleepy and I'm cold. It's just one of those days. I'm not angry anymore. Hey! I'm NOT ANGRY anymore. It's been thrown out into the toiletbowl everytime i eat something. I told you I'm bulimic.

I need to go for a walk.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2003 @ 4:46 pm

Dear Blogger,

Was I stupid to keep it to myself? It! The outrage of modesty thingy. I mean I was really stupid to go out with him in the first place. I know how men think. Their defence is always that the girl asked for it.

There was some truth in it. Still... Oh, I don't know. It's not really a priority right now I guess. Or perhaps I'm used to it already. Wait! That's worse isn't it?

A friend's father just passed away. My condolences to him. I'm not a funeral person. I've not been to anyone's funeral or wake since my grandmother (father's mum) passed away almost 10 years ago. Even then, I was forced to go.

You see, I have a love-hate relationship with death. I often see myself dead in some situation. I'd have this image in my mind of the scenario of my death. I'm sick I know.

Anyway, the main reason why I don't go to funerals is that I can't stand to see hypocrites. If you notice, hyprocrites are aplenty in funerals. Why cry for someone who just died when you have never cried for him when he was alive??? Why pray for someone when you've never done the same when he was up and running???

I'm not cold. I do sense the loss but I don't make a dramatic scene out of it. I think there are other ways to say your final goodbyes to someone other than being present in a wake and let your face flow with fake tears.

Another event I don't go to is weddings. This is for obvious reasons which I will not care to elaborate. I'm not ashamed to say that I wish I had a cream pie in my hand and throw it to the "happy" couple's face everytime I attended a wedding (which, by the way, I was forced to go). I'm jealous, so what? I know for a fact that all those single people in that guest list feel the same way. So why be shy about it?

Besides, the bride or the groom probably have eyes on someone else already. It's interesting to pick out these subtle information. If not the bride or groom, its probably the "mak andam" and the cameraman. It's a common scenario. People cheat on one another.

I'm so full of bitterness aren't I??? Hehehe. Wicked!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

ps. For those who's getting married soon, congratulations. I will try to attend your happy occassion (if I'm invited). Also, I will make an effort to keep the sarcasm to myself. This is of course on a case by case basis.

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@ 1:30 am

Dear Blogger,

There was a big fight at home. No. Not between my parents. But between my brothers. I don't know what caused the fight. I was already asleep. I was awaken by shoutings and screamings.

I got up and automatically tried to stop the fight. Punches were thrown between the boys. Thank goodness none hit my face. I had to settle the fight three bloody times!

Apparently the fight broke out when my first brother returned from God knows where. From NS camp I think. He just threw into a fit with my other brothers, shouting and yelling stuff.

It had been a very long time since we had a big fight. Usually, it was between my parents. This time round, it was very intense. I guess it was because it involved young hot blooded men.

From what I understood from the shouting and yelling, this first brother of mine is pissed with the others. He called them good for nothings etc etc etc. HAH!!! Look who's talking. He's riding my money to pick up girls and he didn't realise that. His beloved Aprillia, that was my money. My parents "lent" him my money to pay off the installments and repairs. I didn't even know that till late.

Men. You can never trust them. Even if they're related to you. Now I can't go back to sleep. What shall I do? I fear for the future.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2003 @ 1:50 am

Dear Blogger,

Nobody will believe me when I said I've been molested. Now why is that? Am I that liberal or open-minded to accept outrage of modesty as a part of my easy-going ways???

When I tell people that I was molested, they laughed. That kind of reaction really affects your self-belief. Of course, they don't realise it. Their brains are not advanced enough to think that deep.

I've never told anyone about this. Perhaps because I didn't know I was molested as a child. When you grew up watching a lot of hollywood movies, you tend to think that hugging, kissing and touching is normal. Apparently, it's not. Not when you're uncomfortable with that kind of "affection".

He was my computer lessons teacher. I took up computer lessons since I was 9 years old. It started when I was 13 or 14. I can't really remember. It seemed so distant. He didn't touch me sexually. That would be obvious. Nevertheless, I remembered feeling uncomfortable.

I didn't know what it was. Not until I read about molestation cases which were rampant a few years later. Still, I wasn't 100% sure. Almost 10 years since then, I became sure of it. But by then, nobody would believe me.

Same goes to what happened on Saturday. Nobody believed me. I didn't tell Din. I don't know how he would react to it. I don't even know if I should tell him these things. What shall I do? Keep it under wraps? Do the Asian thing? I've an Asian body but a Westerner mentality. No wonder I need therapy.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, July 14, 2003 @ 9:28 am

Dear Blogger,

The game's over. I threw in the towel but not because I couldn't control it. I could. But something happened on Saturday that really upset me so much that I really wanted Din to hold me, and he did.

On Saturday, an ex-friend asked me out to a movie. No big deal right? It didn't have to be a date right? We agreed to watch the movie at Jurong Point. Fine I thought, even though I live on the other side of the island. After all, it has been ages since I've stepped into Boon Lay and besides, I didn't have anything to do that day.

We finally met at Jurong Point. He said he had to go someplace to collect his things. He asked if I want to come along. I said OK. So we went to some neighbourhood shops in Boon Lay. Of course, I'm being an eastsider, I have no idea where I was exactly. I guess that was my disadvantage.

It never come across my mind that I would have been taken advantaged of. Apparently, the motherfucker had other plans in mind. Instead of wanting to watch a movie, he wanted to "make" a movie with me.

Just because I'm liberal, it doesn't give him the right to jump on me like that. Hey, if he wanted to make out with me why didn't he just ask me. I would have considered it. I mean, he was kind of cute. Idiot! Not me but him. If he had been a little bit more patient, I would gladly made out with him.

That's not the bad thing because I can take care of myself. It's the way he treated me after that that was very insulting. I have never been insulted like that before. He didn't get what he wanted so he snubbed me. He excused himself citing nature called and that was the last I saw him. What kind of man was that to leave a girl on her own in the middle of nowhere?! Wait! That wasn't a man even. A boy has more respect and decency than him. He's a male creature with NO BALLS! That's what he was.

Jasman, you need therapy you know that? And I thought I was the psycho one here.

To assure myself, I called one of his friends. I knew this guy. I even made out with him. We had some bad blood but it was his fault. Anyway, he said we're still friends. I swear to God he said that. I told him about his "friend" and he too snubbed me! What the fuck is going on?! Was he in this as well?! Was this his revenge plan on me?!

That was the last I'm ever going to communicate with these babies with no balls. Thank goodness I've grown stronger.

So, after that, it was all happy hour. Hung out with the guys at some person's birthday party most of us don't even know. Gate-crashed another birthday party at nearby East Coast beach. Played a few rounds of pool after that. It was cool.

Met Din about 2 in the morning. He was riding his uncle's super 4 bike. He seemed at ease with that bike. I knew what he was feeling though. He wished he owned it. He will. He just needs to be careful with his expenses that's all. I was his finance manager before. This guy knows nothing about financial planning.

We went to our place and just did what we came to do. It wasn't something to shout about. I had better sex before. The sex hasn't been good lately because there was no love in it. Even I didn't put any effort into it. But his kiss was still a knees-weaker. I was totally lost in his embrace when he kissed me. Nobody has ever come close to making me feel like that.

Even though the fuck was disappointing, I still enjoyed being with him. He was more open and for the first time in a very long time, I heard his voice more than mine. It was very refreshing to hear him talk more than I did. He was cheeky and charming. It was like meeting and having a chat with that guy on 28th October 2001 at Changi Airport Terminal 2 Viewing Mall. I still don't know if he loves me but it didn't matter. I enjoyed myself.

I told Rock when I met him on Saturday night that I will lose on that night itself. He didn't believe me at first. Well, I guess nobody would. Like I said, I would have still be in this bet if the situation was different.

What have I learnt from last weekend's events? I have learnt that I should do what ever that makes me happy. Not for other people but for myself. It's about time that I give myself the attention that it deserves. I have long put myself in second place just so that I could make others happy.

Too bad people. This is the real moddie.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, July 11, 2003 @ 4:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

I guess I'm OK. I expected this for months, didn't I? So, it shouldn't have come across as a shock right? As most people would say to me, life goes on. Yeah. Life do go on. I'm a survivor.

I have nobody to talk to now. Then again, I don't want to talk. I'm fine. I'm OK. Really. This is just a phase. I just have to keep telling myself that.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 4:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm fighting against myself from breaking down. I've managed to do by concentrating furiously at the reports I'm doing. Anyone close enough to me will see my body trembling because I'm fighting the tears.

It's official. Din doesn't think me his girlfriend. His actual words... "Dunno". Yeah. That's his answer. I take it that we are over, for the second time.

STOP IT!!! The tears are coming back but I'm fighting it. Oh God... my head hurts. SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! It's flowing again. FUCK!!!

Sincerely,
modgirl.

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@ 9:34 am

Dear Blogger,

I've been religiously working out at the gym for a whole week already. Still, I'm not losing weight. I'm gaining weight even! It's so FRUSTRATING!!! Am I doing something wrong? I'm even observing my food intake. I have a food diary where I log everything I eat daily. Why the hell am I gaining weight?! It's not like I'm building muscles or anything. I see more flabs than muscles.

How do the stars do it? I know they have personal trainers to help them. Then again, they're still human right? For God's sake, I'm bulimic even! So, we share something in common there don't we? Hmmm... I WILL get down to 140 pounds by August even if it means starvation.

Operation Bali Babe: 1st July to 14th August 2003 (possible postponement to a week after... again)

Mondays to Fridays - Lunch @ the gym
Saturdays - Social workout (Shopping, clubbing, sex etc)
Sundays - Swimming

How can anyone say that I'm living a sedentary lifestyle??? Just look at my schedule. It's jam packed with activities!

I would love to take up kickboxing again. Maybe I should. No. Not maybe. I should! Yeah! I'm going to sign up for it again.

If I can do this and if I can refrain from any sexual activities for this period, I believe I can do anything. I just have to be more disciplined. You can do it girl. I know you can. You're a survivor. Oops! I hear Gloria Gaynor in the background. Hahaha.

I asked him last night, what if I told him that I was pregnant? He was so shocked that he thought I was joking. I wasn't joking but I wasn't pregnant either. I just wanted to see his reaction. I took it that he wasn't too thrilled about offsprings for now. Why would I think that he would react differently? Perhaps secretly, I was hoping that he wanted me to be part of his family? Men. I can never understand them.

I think I was happier before I got involved with men. In the past, I was friends with them but there was no emotional involvement. And I know for sure that I was much, much happier when I was still a virgin. Ok, occassionally I did think what would sex really feel like but reading romance novels helped answer that question to some extent. Maybe that is the problem. I based an ideal sexual experience on a romance novel. We all know that we are never going to make out with Fabio. I'm an idiot!

I'm reading this book "Good in Bed" which is about a woman coming to terms with her large-size status, a broken family, a lesbian mother and an ex-boyfriend whom she regretted breaking up with. It's an eye-opener even if it's just fiction. So fine, I don't have a broken family or a lesbian mother. And I haven't really broken up with Din. But there's similarities.

So this ex-boyfriend writes columns for a men magazine ala FHM. He writes about his former relationship and his new relationship. He said this about his new relationship: E (new girlfriend) will always be second to C (ex-girlfriend). E will always be compared to C.

Then it hit me! I will always be his second girlfriend. I am the girl who will always be compared to his first. He doesn't talk much about his first, except on our first date. Boy! First major dating mistake... NEVER talk about your ex on your first date. All I knew is that he went up to 3rd base with her. Well, that's what he said anyway.

Likewise, he will always be my first. So, I pity the next guy, IF I do really breakup with Din that is. Dear God, no. Please make this relationship last. I'm too lazy to start all over again basically. Do you know how nerve-wrecking it is to go on the first date with a new guy??? Except for Din. At that time, it didn't feel like a date because I had no plans or thoughts or whatsoever about us ever getting involved at all. I'm serious! I told you it wasn't love at first sight.

I'm going to be 24 in 5 months. Then I'll be 25. I should be planning for motherhood by then. Hey, I'm a new-age careerwoman. I want everything. So, can somebody please knock some sense in him and get him to propose to me already?!!! I'm dying to wear a diamond ring on my finger.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, July 09, 2003 @ 3:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

Damn I'm horny right now! It's my time of the month where I'm at my peak. I can't do anything about it. I don't want to lose this bet. Somebody shoot me please!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:06 pm

Dear Blogger,

I knew I loved you before I met you... Was Savage Garden for real?! Do they even know what love is? It's Hate waiting to happen. Anyway, I used to believe that. I used to believe that its possible to be in love in someone even before meeting that someone. I guess I was a sucker for romance.

I'm hungry. I just ate. And I know I'm going to throw up if I eat because I feel guilty about eating. That's what happens when you're fat and society only prefers skinny people.

Why am I obsessed with my body? Because I need to be appreciated. Not just physically, but in all aspects as well. I thrive in other's appreciation of me. I need to be liked. I can't stand it when people hates me. It's just so negative.

I'm a weird person through and through. I know.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:08 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm just lost. I can't string my words together. I just stopped crying and eating lasagna now (comfort food). There goes my diet.

I'm eating like I haven't eaten in days. That means I'm upset. If I'm really upset, I would not eat in days. That happened when Din and I broke up n New Year's eve.

A psychologist once diagnosed me as bulimia because of emotional eating. I'm not suprised. Once in a while, I find my face in a toilet bowl throwing up food which I've just eaten. It's not the food. It's me.

I'm upset because my dad asked me for money again. This time it's different. He was practically begging and it hurts me to hear him do that. Even when he's going on and on on the phone, I just couldn't stand it.

My brain was working full time but not hard enough to shut out my heart. He wanted to borrow $5000 from me. It's not a small sum definitely. It's for a stall that he intended to take over. I didn't trust the seller. I wanted to meet him personally. I know I couldn't. That will be insulting my dad's judgement.

It's difficult when you try to be professional with your family. I've always believed that you should never mix business with pleasure. Likewise, emotions should be put aside when conducting business.

I'm crying but there is no one here. No one to talk to. No one to hold. I fail to imagine how salty my pillow must have tasted like by now. Where is everyone I hold so dear??? Why aren't they here for me?

I wish I was in Bali right now. I wish I could just pack my bags and go. Just drop everything. Forget everything. Let go.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, July 08, 2003 @ 9:20 am

Dear Blogger,

I stayed up quite late last night trying to figure out how to edit a digital video. I can't seem to get the damn software right! There was no manual or guide even.

I just bought a Sony digital camcorder. I've always wanted one. This new toy is so cool because it can capture still images too. It's really fun to play with it but it really frustrated me last night when I tried to edit the video. I guess I've to buy a "How-to" book about digital video editing then.

Last Sunday, me and my friends had a surprise celebration for my sister at Swensen's. It was her belated birthday. She was totally dumbstrucked when presented with the ice cream and lighted candles. She was speechless. It wasn't the reaction I had expected from her though.

Prior to that, my sister and I had watched Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throtle. It wasn't as good as the first one but who care's about that when you can see Cameron, Drew and Lucy having fun on screen. Gosh, I wish I have their enthusiam and gung-ho attitude. Of course, I'm never going to do a striptease act in a bar like they did but it would sure be a good fantasy.

Am I a lesbian? Or do I just have lesbian tendencies? I was very attracted to those three ladies, especially Cameron. But that doesn't mean I'm a lesbian right? I can't wait for Tombraider 2. Now that's another babe I wouldn't mind having a quickie with. What am I saying?! A quickie?!!! I can't be a lesbian at this age. I'm too old. And besides, I want to get married and have 5 kids. Maybe I'm bisexual. Hmmm...

Anyway, after dropping my sister off at home after Swensen's, I went to a little happy hour session at a friend's place. No. I don't drink and there was no alcoholic beverages involved. The only drink available was diluted orange juice. This happy hour session involved karaoke and a barrel-load of nonsense.

What is it with Malay people and karaoke??? I'm not a fan of it obviously for the main reason that I can't sing. I'm a bathroom singer. I can't even wiggle my bottom at a dancy tune. I have no coordination at all. One of these days, I'm going to sign up in a dance class. Latin dance perhaps?

Din wants it. It's that time of the month. He gets like this in the early week of the month. I'm not going to give it to him. He just have to realise that he cannot treat me like this. He can't just decide to be nice to me when he wants it and then ignores me for the rest of the days. It's not right! He was really pissed off when I said no. Well, serves him right then. I'm not going to back down like I always did before. Besides, I'm still in this bet. That helps.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, July 07, 2003 @ 9:32 am

Dear Blogger,

Just a quick update. Actually I have a lot to write about but not now. I've deadlines up to my neck!

I'm freezing in the office God knows why. It's bloody hot outside. I've had my breakfast but I feel like having a goody, hot chicken porridge. Haven't decided yet because I'm on a diet. I want to lose a bit more weight so that I will look better in a bikini. Yup! Me in a bikini, strolling along Kuta beach.

To be continued later.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, July 04, 2003 @ 10:55 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm bored to almost death. Somebody save me please!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:37 am

Dear Blogger,

Such a cool weather today. The kind of weather which I should be cuddled up in bed! I should be in my room right now, not in the office. I was late anyway.

My shoulders are aching again. Barely a week since I had a weekend break, my shoulders are aching again. Have I worked too hard lately? I don't think so. Am I not sitting correctly? I don't think so. At the way I'm sitting right now, I can put any officer or etiquette teacher to shame.

The weekend ahead seemed so short. It won't be one of those nothing to do, bored to death, stuck at home kind of weekends. But I wish it was. It's funny how when you have it, you don't want it.

I'll be out the whole day tomorrow and on Sunday too. I'm just going to chill with some friends whom I've not seen in ages. Guys naturally. I don't have many girlfriends. On Sunday, I'm going to watch Charlie's Angels with my sister then hang out at Swensen's, savouring on ice cream cake.

It would be heaven to spend some quiet, quality time with a special someone this weekend. Alas, that special someone is becoming non-existent somehow. We're not breaking up. We're not together either. I don't know what we are. I'm just drifting.

I'm a driftwood, drifting underwater, breaking into pieces. Travis sang that. It was my anthem in 2000, a year before I officially became an adult. I still love that song. It's so poignant.

To date, I've received several correspondences from web surfers all over the world about my blog spot. Thanks for the compliments and the criticisms (few though) guys! I really appreciate it. I didn't think anyone would read my secondary school writing but apparently, I was wrong. Do keep the mails coming in. I'd love to get to know who's reading my blogs. It's just like school days, doesn't it? I was an avid letter writer once. I used to write to pen pals from all over the world. Those were romantic times.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, July 03, 2003 @ 8:59 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm filled with a renewed sense of calm today. It's hard to get out of bed as usual and I felt like I needed more sleep. But there was this unusual calmness all over me that's slighly invigorating.

It was like the world is going to drift by peacefully today. No sense of hurriedness. No sense of chaos. No sense of self-sympathy. I was literally floating on my way to work. My eyes seemed to see the surroundings differently. They seemed to be more colourful, more life-like.

Am I going to die? I read somewhere that people who are about to die will experience this sensation. What a morbid thought on such a glorious morning like this. I swear I'm not on drugs. The only drug I had this morning was chocolate milk.

I am on a fasting trip today. I'm going to abstain from food as much as possible. I believed I ate too much in the last few weeks. I had to give something in return.

I threw up last night, after eating a bowl of spicy noodles. It was a self-induced throw up. It felt good and scary at the same. It felt good because I felt like I was throwing up the poisons in me. The poisons that weaken my body and my mind. It felt scary because it felt like deja vu. It started out like this and I was eventually diagnosed with bulimia.

On sober days, I find this behaviour utterly stupid. But sober days are hard and few. It's ironic. I can be so intelligent at times but stupid too. But for me to realise that stupidity is intelligence in itself.

I pity for those who love me. I don't deserve their love. How can anyone love me when I don't even love myself? Patience is a part of love. How can I expect patience from anyone if I'm not patient with myself?

Often, I feel like there are multiple personalities of me. Just like Jekyl and Hyde, but more! There's the Intelligent moddie, the Sweet and Demure moddie, the Tormented moddie and the Ambitious moddie. Who am I right now?

I am just moddie. A complicated being who seeks self-understanding and fulfillment.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, July 02, 2003 @ 9:08 am

Dear Blogger,

I didn't cry last night. I guess I was too tired to do so. It was a long day afterall. Plus, I bought a new pair of shoes. That usually helps. I always say, when you're down, there's nothing to perk you up like retail therapy.

I've got to be careful though. I'm spending way too much already. It's not like I don't have a budget planned. I do! But I just don't have the mental discipline to stick to it. Damn it! What happened to my discipline. I used to be so disciplined.

It's just like my diet. I used to weigh a comfortable 130 pounds. Of course, at that time, 2 hours of PE every week did help a lot. Now, I'm stuck at a miserable 140 pounds. Don't get me wrong. I'm quite comfortable with my body as it is, but it could be better.

It's already Wednesday. Boy! How time flies. If I just take one day at a time, I know I'll accomplish a lot of things. I just need a bit of mental discipline. That's it. I can do this. I know I can. I just have to put my mind to it.

And I know I can pass that bloody driving test this time. Yes I can! I can bloody drive already. I am just not legally allowed to. Hell!!! There are worse drivers out there so why are they allowed to drive??? Was my failure a punishment for my uncontrollable lust??? Well, it sure seemed like it. In the past, I had sex a week before the test. And I failed all those tests. This time, I'm not going to do anything remotely sexual. Anyway, I can't. I can't lose to Rocky. Not till 8th August.

It's my sister's birthday today. Sadly, I don't have any presents for her. Her birthday celebrations will just have to be postponed to this weekend. My schedule today doesn't allow it.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, July 01, 2003 @ 9:43 am

Dear Blogger,

Something is wrong with me. I think I'm sick. Since Sunday night, I've been crying myself to sleep. I don't know what happened. I just burst into tears for no reason. And my sensitivities are bordering on the edge.

What is wrong with me??? I don't seem to have anymore control of myself. I can't focus on anything. It's affecting my work and my life. I need help. But what kind of help?

Din must have known that I was not well. He messaged me asking where I was and what I was doing. I didn't reply. He asked me again and seemed to plead asking if I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I didn't reply. He called. I let my phone ring for awhile. I was very surprised that he called. He hardly calls me anymore. It seemed so weird just hearing the ringtone assigned to him and seeing his name flashing in my caller ID.

I answered his call. Told him I was tired and I was going to sleep. He sounded chirpy but there was a slight disappointment at hearing my voice. I don't know if he had heard my sobbing. I doubt he did. I asked him what did he want. He said he called because I didn't reply his messages. That was unusual.

I didn't tell him about what happened. I knew even if I tell him, he's not going to do anything about it. He doesn't like negativity. What is it with guys and crying girls? Don't they realise that what we need is for them to show a little bit of concern. At least I do. If only he'd come over and hold me, I know I'd be better. But there was no one, is there?

Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a box. Do you know what that feels like? I need to get out of here. A weekend trip is not enough.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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