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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003 @ 9:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I was still a virgin. Would it be better or worse?

I still remember it like it was yesterday (cliche I know). The piercing pain still rings in my mind but the sinful pleasure after that makes up for it. It was very awkward. We both didn't know what to do but we both learnt what felt good and what didn't.

He was my first and he IS my only. I've not slept with another man even if I was close to doing so with one. I strongly believe that I should keep it that way.

It was at his place in the late morning. His mum was not around. We had the place all to ourselves. We were supposed to watch a movie. At least, I was anyway. I waited for him to get dressed but he laid in his bed instead. I thought he was just being lazy.

He pulled me to the bed. We kissed. I loved it when he kisses me. It makes my heart melt like hot butter. He was dressed only in his boxers. I like boxers. He looked at me in the eyes. He was trying to read my thoughts.

I was on top of him, looking at him. Then, my mind just took a back seat and my body took control. I remembered taking off my tank top. I was not wearing a bra. I don't like bras anyway. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. I couldn't read his expression.

He touched my breasts and felt them. All these while, his eyes were still locked to my eyes. I laid beside him after that. Both of us half-naked, not touching each other.

He asked me if would I like to take my clothes off. I asked him back, would he like to take my clothes off. And he did. I looked at the ceiling. I was embarrassed. I didn't know what he was thinking but I guessed he was embarrassed too. I told him it wasn't fair that I was lying there stark naked and he wasn't. He removed his boxers and I swear to God, he was ready!

I didn't dare look at his lower half of the body. I had never seen a real man naked before. Those men in the porn sites didn't count. For an awkward while, we laid there staring at the ceiling.

Me: Have you seen a naked woman before?
Din: Yes.
Me: I see. (Pause). Have you been with a naked woman before?
Din: No.
Me: Have you tasted it before?
Din: Tasted what?
Me: Tasted it... there.
Din: Nope.
Me: Would you like to taste it?

He got up, looked at me for awhile and then his fingers were rubbing me. Oh God! I closed my eyes. I kept thinking what am I doing. What the hell am I doing?!

He spread my legs and as soon as his lips touch mine, I had a knee-jerk reaction. I couldn't breathe properly. What was happening to me?! I was making strange noises and the more I made those noises, the better I felt. When he was done, he laid beside me again.

Me: (Breathless). How'd you know how to do that?
Din: I don't know.
Din: How do you feel?
Me: Strange. How do you feel?
Din: Good.
(Longer pause)
Me: Dear... make me a woman.

He looked at me. We both knew what we wanted. I spread my legs. He knelt in between me. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. And I said... I trust you. Those were the 3 words that changed everything. Not I love you but I trust you.

How can I explain to anyone that at that point in time, it felt so right. I know he felt it too. Our hearts were beating as one. How could that be wrong? The doors of my heart had finally opened and he took it away. I didn't fight him. I let him stole my heart.

If that wasn't love, then... what is?


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