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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, June 29, 2003 @ 8:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's Sunday morning. We are leaving KL. It has been a laidback trip. None of those hurried trips that leaves you frustrated at the end of the trip.

I've gotten most of what I came here for. I bought several fabric materials to be made into baju kurung. I bought some for my mum and my sis too.

I didn't get Rocky's jacket because there was none that appealed to me.

I didn't get anything for Din either. Firstly, I didn't know what to get him. Secondly, he doesn't seem to appreciate the gifts I've given him. Sometime's I don't know if he appreciates me at all.

He said something to me on Friday night that really hurt me. I told him that I'm going clubbing on that night. He really disapproved of it. He added sarcastically that I can do whatever I want and if I felt like drinking, he reminded me to think twice.

It wasn't what he that upset me. It was how he said it. He knows very well that I don't drink and what's wrong with going to a club?

He has been like this since the China Jump incident. Me and my girlfriends went there for a girl's night out. There was a fight outside the club and he took the call. I wasn't involved in the fight but the fact that I was in the club where a fight had happened took him real hard.

I guessed he felt very protective and he took it upon himself that it is his responsibility that nothing bad would happen to me.

Well, nothing bad had happened, did it? Something could have happened, if I wanted to.

Last Friday, I met OranJe. He's a Yahoo companion who found me by searching for Singaporean female in the Yahoo directory.

I knew how he looked like because he sent me his picture once. You should never trust pictures. They make a person better or worse looking than they really are.

He wasn't worse looking. I think he looked cute, in a geeky kind of way. He's very skinny but it works for him. He must be into R&B because he was dressed in baggy clothes.

He took us to Spiral, an R&B club, but not before he drove us to Orange club (twice!) and Bangsar. It was 12am but the club was still empty. Hmm... where was everyone anyway??? I don't remember Friday night to be this quiet.

Anyway, the club started to fill up as soon as it hits 1am. I was bored by then and a little frustrated. Not because of the lack of crowds but because of Din's sarcasm earlier. My upset has turned into hurt and eventually anger. It might seem minor but it just clicked something in me. Who the fuck did he think he was?! After all I've done to him.

When I get upset, I do stupid things. Usually with other guys. OranJe was such a gentleman. I felt really, really stupid to even ask him about it. Damn I was a shit! No wonder guys think I'm easy. But I really wanted to kiss him. I did. He was so cute and his laidback ways were such a turn-on. Gosh! What a fool I made myself to be.

Nothing much happened on Saturday. We spent most of the time sleeping. At least I did. I just felt so tired. I guess it was all those intense emotions in me that was wearing me down. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened the night before. Nothing happened of course but I still felt like shit. He didn't call but I don't blame him.

Well, I'm finally back at home. I had a restless nap earlier. I still feel like shit. There was no "Welcome Home" party. There was no "I miss you" from anyone. I asked Din if he wanted to meet me today. His reply was "I'm busy doing my things". That was the last straw.

What the fuck am I doing to myself?! I've let a guy reduced me to a weeping buffoon! I'm not going to do this anymore. It's NOT HEALTHY!!! He can SHOVE his dick up his ARSE for all I care!

Busy?! Busy to be with me?! I can be busy too. Yeah! I'll be busy. I'll be so busy that the world will forget that I do fucking exist! Just watch me. I am SO MUCH better than this. And those fucking bitches and jerks out there can go fuck themselves too. I've had enough of their nonsense. They want me out? I'm out!


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