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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003 @ 9:33 am

Dear Blogger,

I have a bad feeling about today. It was raining as I was on my way to work. It wasn't the peaceful, serene kind of rainy day. It was the "something's bad going to happen" rainy day. I wish I know what it was.

Last night, I went out with a friend of mine. It was supposed to be a belated birthday celebration but I'm afraid there was not much of a celebration.

I bought him a chocolate cake. He's a chocolate nut! As for me, I'm not much of a chocolate lover. I don't have a sweet tooth. We went to the beach. Romantic right? I think he thought so too. But my heart was not into romance at all.

It was very quiet last night. Everything was still. There was no breeze so there weren't waves breaking into the sandy beach. The only noise I could hear was the blaring music from the bars behind me.

It's at quiet moments like these that my mind is the noisiest. If you could see the insides of my brain, it's like an expressway where information zips past you at high speed. All these random thoughts in my head, way too fast for me to gather any meaning at all.

Have I mentioned the moon? Oh what a beauty that was. It was basked in orange glow. Simply breathtaking.

I was not much of a company. Most of the time, I was keeping to myself, deep in thought. It wasn't like I was not listening. My ears were still open but I wasn't much of a conversationalist.

I guessed he was disappointed too. Just like the other guy. I knew what he wanted too but I just couldn't fulfilled it. It just didn't seem right.

I knew what all these guys wanted. I'm the girl they want to make out with. In the car, in the cinema, at the beach. I have become known as such. But I just couldn't. Not anymore. It's not even that I won't but I just couldn't.

Am I sorry for disappointing these guys? Yes and no. I have not decided which. I have a choice don't I? So why should I apologise for my choice? And why do I feel bad with my choices?

I guess I'm just too kind. I don't like to hurt people and I don't like people to hate me. I need love and to be loved.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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