modgurl's
blog*spot
posts are personal. open-mindedness is essential.
who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Sunday, June 29, 2003 @ 8:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's Sunday morning. We are leaving KL. It has been a laidback trip. None of those hurried trips that leaves you frustrated at the end of the trip.

I've gotten most of what I came here for. I bought several fabric materials to be made into baju kurung. I bought some for my mum and my sis too.

I didn't get Rocky's jacket because there was none that appealed to me.

I didn't get anything for Din either. Firstly, I didn't know what to get him. Secondly, he doesn't seem to appreciate the gifts I've given him. Sometime's I don't know if he appreciates me at all.

He said something to me on Friday night that really hurt me. I told him that I'm going clubbing on that night. He really disapproved of it. He added sarcastically that I can do whatever I want and if I felt like drinking, he reminded me to think twice.

It wasn't what he that upset me. It was how he said it. He knows very well that I don't drink and what's wrong with going to a club?

He has been like this since the China Jump incident. Me and my girlfriends went there for a girl's night out. There was a fight outside the club and he took the call. I wasn't involved in the fight but the fact that I was in the club where a fight had happened took him real hard.

I guessed he felt very protective and he took it upon himself that it is his responsibility that nothing bad would happen to me.

Well, nothing bad had happened, did it? Something could have happened, if I wanted to.

Last Friday, I met OranJe. He's a Yahoo companion who found me by searching for Singaporean female in the Yahoo directory.

I knew how he looked like because he sent me his picture once. You should never trust pictures. They make a person better or worse looking than they really are.

He wasn't worse looking. I think he looked cute, in a geeky kind of way. He's very skinny but it works for him. He must be into R&B because he was dressed in baggy clothes.

He took us to Spiral, an R&B club, but not before he drove us to Orange club (twice!) and Bangsar. It was 12am but the club was still empty. Hmm... where was everyone anyway??? I don't remember Friday night to be this quiet.

Anyway, the club started to fill up as soon as it hits 1am. I was bored by then and a little frustrated. Not because of the lack of crowds but because of Din's sarcasm earlier. My upset has turned into hurt and eventually anger. It might seem minor but it just clicked something in me. Who the fuck did he think he was?! After all I've done to him.

When I get upset, I do stupid things. Usually with other guys. OranJe was such a gentleman. I felt really, really stupid to even ask him about it. Damn I was a shit! No wonder guys think I'm easy. But I really wanted to kiss him. I did. He was so cute and his laidback ways were such a turn-on. Gosh! What a fool I made myself to be.

Nothing much happened on Saturday. We spent most of the time sleeping. At least I did. I just felt so tired. I guess it was all those intense emotions in me that was wearing me down. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened the night before. Nothing happened of course but I still felt like shit. He didn't call but I don't blame him.

Well, I'm finally back at home. I had a restless nap earlier. I still feel like shit. There was no "Welcome Home" party. There was no "I miss you" from anyone. I asked Din if he wanted to meet me today. His reply was "I'm busy doing my things". That was the last straw.

What the fuck am I doing to myself?! I've let a guy reduced me to a weeping buffoon! I'm not going to do this anymore. It's NOT HEALTHY!!! He can SHOVE his dick up his ARSE for all I care!

Busy?! Busy to be with me?! I can be busy too. Yeah! I'll be busy. I'll be so busy that the world will forget that I do fucking exist! Just watch me. I am SO MUCH better than this. And those fucking bitches and jerks out there can go fuck themselves too. I've had enough of their nonsense. They want me out? I'm out!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:30 pm

Dear Blogger,

Some men are simply obnoxious. They think that just because they have dicks the size of peanuts, women, wait no, GIRLS, want a piece of them.

When a woman asks a guy out for a movie, does that mean that she is trying to seduce him? How about when a woman shows the slightest interest in his online conversation? Is that seduction?

Oh please! Don't make me throw up. I've said this a thousand times. I may be a flirt but I'm not a casual sex person. Unlike SOME people.

SOME people have nothing better to do. They must lead a really boring life. These people are in techie's terms, bugs, which needs to be wiped out from the face of the earth.

What is their problem? Jealousy perhaps? How the fuck would I know what these people have against me? I'm up to my bloody neck with my own problems.

Let's set the record straight ok. I have no desire, even in my moments of desperation, to fuck anyone in KS. Never have I felt any emotional attraction with any of those people in there. Physical attraction yes but its only human to feel that.

I have my body, mind and soul set on Din. Some people may say its stupid to be faithful to a guy but I'm don't fuck around. As some people might say, you can't have rice every day. Well, I like my rice just the way it is.

I believe in retribution. I believe in divine intervention. I believe in myself. I believe that those who has wronged me will get what they deserved twice over. Not from me of course. God works in mysterious ways.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, June 26, 2003 @ 10:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

What a start to the holidays. Both of us never bothered to check our tickets beforehand. So, stupid me, we missed our bus by 2 bloody and 1/2 hours!!!

Now we are taking the economic class instead of the superior class. We paid for superior class fare. I'm just so disappointed in myself. I've never missed an appointment. This is a sign for sure. A sign of something bad.

Rocky, being a clown that he is, made the situation worse by laughing at us. At me really. I hate that. It just made me feel more disappointed and insecure in myself. Of course, he didn't realise that.

We board the bus at 12pm. We reached KL at 6pm but there was a traffic jam. So we only alighted at the bus terminal at about 6:30pm. It was a boring road trip. Nothing much to see or do. So much land but not much development.

We took an LRT to Dang Wangi. That's the nearest station to Concorde Hotel. The sight of the building just brought back memories of me and Din. We stayed there when we spent our anniversary in KL. At the time, we booked the superior executive suite. This time round, my friend booked just the standard suite.

Gosh! I miss him already. I wonder what he's doing now. I know he's still working. He sent me a virtual kiss but I so longed for a bring-me-to-my-knees kind of kiss. He owes me that after that premature ejaculation fiasco.

But I can't do that after 40 days and 40 nights are up. Starting on Monday, Rocky and I will be fasting for 40 days and 40 nights. Not fasting against food but fasting against lust! Inspired by that Josh Hartnett comedy of the same title. The loser of this challenge will treat the winner a steamboat dine-in. I will win for sure. Definitely.

The rules of the game are simple. No kissing, no hugging, no fondling and definitely no sex. Easy right?

Right now, I'm at a Bukit Bintang cyber cafe. It's pretty quiet here. Many tourists. The place is a little cheesy though. Not much decor but the service is good. Typical Malaysians. My girlfriend is beside me chatting. Typical!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:50 am

Dear Blogger,

its 1 bloody 50 a.m. and I can't sleep. I've packed my things but I've a feeling I've forgotten something. Why do I always have to feel like this when I'm going away???

I won't be able to write till I return. Don't worry. I will still write about what's going on in my pathetic life but you have to wait till Monday to read about it.

Well... happy holidays moddie!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2003 @ 9:19 am

Dear Blogger,

Maybe I was over-reacting yesterday. He didn't do it on purpose I'm sure. I don't have a dick so I don't know how that thing functions. I know of some guys who just "let go" while on 1st base.

He was really into it yesterday so it wasn't too bad. He just wanted to extend the tension that's all. Poor guy.

Besides the premature ejaculation, I just wished he would stop smoking. Do you know how awful it is to kiss a guy who smokes??? I came in smelling like Issey Miyake. I came out smelling of Marlboro Light. It's not even Menthol Light. Urgh!

Even if he can't quit, at least be considerate. If he knows he's going to stuff his tongue down my throat, don't smoke prior to that. 24 hours at least!

The bloody cheque still hasn't arrived and my bonus won't be deposited till the end of the month. Looks like I've to cut down on shopping in my weekend itinerary. What the hell is taking the bank so long??? They take our money in less than 10 minutes but they take ages to return the money to us. I hate bankers!

My insurance premium is overdue. I had given the money to the household thinking that the damn cheque will arrive on time. Shit! What the hell am I going to do? I hate overdue payments.

Alright! I'm not going to think too much about it. I shouldn't be afraid of money. I should let it go. That's what the "Being Happy" book said anyway. I'm just going to enjoy my holidays. Yeah! Have a good time. Hook up with a guy (joke!). Shopping! Kaacchhiiiiiingggg!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, June 24, 2003 @ 4:07 pm

Dear Blogger,

Last shag, 21 days. Nope. Last shag, 1 hour ago. Actually I wouldn't call it a shag. He left me hanging. The bastard!

3 weeks of celibacy and this is what I get. He didn't even give me an oral. He wanted to extend the foreplay but he bloody came. He CAME!!! What the fuck?!

I was totally dumbstruck. Where the fuck is my orgasm?! I didn't even have a chance to sweat.

Gosh!!! Looks like I've to tolerate another 3 bloody weeks of sexual deprivation. Damn! Damn! Damn!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, June 23, 2003 @ 9:10 pm

Dear Blogger,

He's watching me. Not Din but God. He's making sure that I don't do anything stupid.

How would you explain the "cancelled appointments" I've had to endure for the past few weeks?

First Din had to go on security coverage for 2 bloody weeks. Then, whenever he had what looked like his rightful chance to come home, he got detained.

Now this! I was so fed up with Din's lack of commitment in me that I was willing to make out with almost anyone.

I thought I had a date tonight but he too had a last minute "something to do".

What??? Suddenly no one wants to fuck me?! When I am in no fucking mood to lock lips with anyone men from God knows where begged me to go out with them.

Where are your friends when you need them? I am totally bored, fed up and sexually frustrated. But who cares right? Hey, I'm Miss Invinsible! See me strip!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:54 am

Dear Blogger,

He stood me up again last night. This is the 3rd time this week! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I mean I know he's not going to show up. So why did I tell myself otherwise?

He didn't even apologise. I'm sure it wasn't his fault. His job held him back again but he could have apologised. That would have been polite.

Did he know how disappointed I was in him last night? Did he hear me cry in bed? I told him I was tired of being disappointed by him. I stopped short of telling him that it wasn't fault. It was partially his fault you know. He should have known that he will be held back. It had happened several times. So how could last night be any different?

Now I'm contradicting myself. If I knew that things will be as it is, then why do I feel so upset about it? Perhaps because I expected too much? What do I know? I'm just a woman. I don't understand myself, especially when it concerns matters of the heart.

I can't wait for Thursday. The long weekend trip off the island will be good for me. Just waiting for the cheque to come in though. Bloody hell! When is the bank going to send it to me?!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, June 22, 2003 @ 9:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

I was thinking about the state of my relationship. What would make him happy? I've asked him that several times but often, he'd give me vague answers.

I was thinking had I pushed him into something that he didn't want to do or be? I might have. He told me once that he thinks he's not good enough for me. Sadly, I think he's right. Poor bugger. It was all my fault. I wanted him to be the perfect boyfriend but nobody is perfect. Neither am I.

I just want him to be happy. Even if that means a change in lifestyle. I've been a good girl all year haven't I? I know sometimes I can be a pain in the arse but I didn't do that intentionally. Honest! Seriously, I should respect his privacy. He did ask for me to give him a year to think things over. I should give him that credit.

What was past is past. I couldn't get the glory days back. Those days of being together 24/7 are never going to happen again. I missed it though. Everytime I knock off from work, I'd imagine that he'll be waiting for me at the foyer. Or on some nights, I'd wait for his phonecall.

Sigh. I shouldn't be selfish. Nobody can make this relationship work except us. He knows I'd give the world to him if that's what he wanted. Would he do the same I wonder. Sometimes I forget that he's just a man.

I'm really proud of him. He works so hard trying to prove himself. I guess this is what you call unconditional love.

I know I think too much sometimes. Wait. Not sometimes but often. I just can't help it. I'm trying to not think too much these days. Really I'm trying! I'm such an insecure prick aren't I?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:26 am

Dear Blogger,

It was a bloody hot Saturday. The sun was really piercing at my skin. I swear that this must be the hottest June as far as I can remember. What happened to the rain??? I don't like to go out on a hot weather like this. It makes my skin sticky and my body smells. I don't have body odour though. Not that I know of anyway.

I went to work as usual. Yeah right. Who works on a Saturday anyway? I had all these good intentions of clearing up my work, but I ended up chatting and surfing for fonts. I planned to update my flash intro you see. Haven't found the right font though. How do I know if I've found it? Well, my body will tell me.

I met my sister at the library. Saturdays seem to be a library day for us. Now now. I'm not a geek. I just like to read that's all. Reading is good for you by the way. I can't afford to buy new books all the time and besides, today is Harry Porter day. The major bookstores are crowded with Kiasu people. Thank goodness NLB isn't like those institution libraries where the only reason people go there is to enjoy the air-con and sleep.

I felt like eating sushi today but believe or not, there isn't one sushi restaurant in Tampines at all. I thought I remembered one but it made way for an Indonesian restaurant. I didn't want to go to Eastpoint because the price there is a little ridiculous. And I didn't want to go to the airport. Not with my sister anyway. So we ended up eating Chinese Muslim food at nearby telepark.

I could have sworn I saw Emelia's relative. I'm not too sure. Big lips. Big butt. Boring little face that's permanently scowling. Well, she did look like her. That's how Emelia will look like in say, 5 years time?

Anyway, it was a boring Saturday. I didn't have any plans. I'm not meeting the guys. I didn't feel like it. It's just me and my sister today. That's cool. I needed a little rest anyway. And so is my ATM card.

The fact that Din and I wanted to meet each other tonight didn't bother me at all. I knew he wasn't coming. He's still stuck at HQ. I'm getting used to his empty promises. He's a man after all. Men and promises don't go well together.

In fact, I'm getting used to his absence. We just don't go out together anymore. It sounds like marriage doesn't it? Hehe. But hey, at least the sex is still good. Would have given him a blowjob if he turned up though. I still can't figure out the fascination with blowjobs. Obviously, it's not one of my favourite things to do. I'm not a mouth person.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, June 20, 2003 @ 2:11 pm

Dear Blogger,

It must be the hormones again. I'm extremely perky today. I mean really, really perky. Sarah Jessica Parker perky. Urgh!!! I scare myself sometimes.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 8:50 am

Dear Blogger,

Meditating is not easy. I've been meditating before I sleep for a few weeks now. It was very hard in the beginning because my brain just won't shut up.

I'm getting to the hang of it though. I think I've managed to bring down my brain wavelength a little.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, June 19, 2003 @ 1:56 pm

Dear Blogger,

No good-looking guys here at Tanglin. Still, their blue uniform is driving me nuts!

I have a thing for men in uniforms, especially pilots in the airforce. It's the legacy of Top Gun. How could anyone not have at some point not go ga-ga over Maverick or Iceman???

There is just something about men in uniforms. I guess the uniforms make them look smarter and dare I say heroic?

Weird enough, when I met Din, he was wearing his blue uniform. I found him pleasant to look at but not attractive enough to fall for him. It wasn't a case of love at first sight for us.

Another reason I could think of why I'm crazy over him could be that, I don't really know anyone who's working in the uniform group full-time. NS men don't count. So he was like a new thing for me.

4 more days to his return *big wide grin*.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 11:45 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm thinking of babies again. I kept having this image of myself with a heavily bloated tummy. But what I like about that image is the look of satisfaction on my face. Keep on dreaming girl.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2003 @ 4:59 pm

Dear Blogger,

as I sat at the taxi stand outside my office, eating my 50 cent vanilla ice cream cone, I had the sudden urge to make babies.

There were all these signs telling me I'm ready for motherhood. I saw babies strolled past me. A taxi with a picture of babies on its doors stopped right in front of me. How can those not be signs from above?

The problem is, I don't know if I'm ready for marrigehood. It'll be nice to settle down. I'm so tired of sneaking into hotel rooms or making out at the staircase. Worse of all, my conscience is exhausting me. I want to be legally, religiously and morally wed. Not just for the sex of course, but I think by being legally, religiously and morally bound, I will feel secure.

It's really tiring playing dating games. I'm not good at it. Contrary to popular belief, I don't get asked out on dates every week. If I'm lucky, someone will ask me out once in a month.

I just want this game to be over. Of course I want to marry the man I love. I don't want to wake up every morning with someone I can't barely look at. Unless he's rich. I'll let him have as many mistresses as he wants. I digress.

He'll be coming home in 5 days. I'm counting down to that day. This time round, I'll make sure he's cuffed to the bedpost. I'm gonna blow him till he cum for sure. Wicked!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 2:15 pm

Dear Blogger,

Damn it!!! Why are guys such jerks sometimes?! He practically yelled at me for worrying too much! It's not like I WANT to worry about him. I can't help it.

And since we're on this subject, I can't help thinking too much either. People keep telling me, "Don't think too much", "Relax", "Leave your worries at home" etc etc etc. It's not like I have a valve in there to turn off thinking whenever I want to. Oh man... If I can just plant my brain on someone else for a few minutes, then they'll know how I feel.

I just can't help thinking and if I think too deep, then too bad. I can't shut it off! Once I tried to not think at all, I ended up thinking more. I think everytime. I probably think even when I'm 6 feet underground!

What do I think about? I don't know. Stuff I guess. Anything which my senses capture, I'll be thinking about it. It doesn't help that for the past few months, the bulk of my thoughts are on HIM! Some men are so ungrateful.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:13 am

Dear Blogger,

I'm worried about him. He hasn't contacted me in days. At first I thought he was just plain ignoring me but then I've a feeling he's not. Then I thought his battery was flat. I called and there was ringing. I know he's on security coverage for 2 weeks, but that doesn't mean you can't contact anyone outside the police force right? I hope he's alright.

I'm not even going to let my mind tell me that he's in an accident. OH GOD! I hope he's not in an accident. He's accident prone you know. He didn't tell me the last time he was in a bike accident. What the hell am I thinking?! STOP IT!!! He's fine! I know he is.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 @ 9:18 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I was still a virgin. Would it be better or worse?

I still remember it like it was yesterday (cliche I know). The piercing pain still rings in my mind but the sinful pleasure after that makes up for it. It was very awkward. We both didn't know what to do but we both learnt what felt good and what didn't.

He was my first and he IS my only. I've not slept with another man even if I was close to doing so with one. I strongly believe that I should keep it that way.

It was at his place in the late morning. His mum was not around. We had the place all to ourselves. We were supposed to watch a movie. At least, I was anyway. I waited for him to get dressed but he laid in his bed instead. I thought he was just being lazy.

He pulled me to the bed. We kissed. I loved it when he kisses me. It makes my heart melt like hot butter. He was dressed only in his boxers. I like boxers. He looked at me in the eyes. He was trying to read my thoughts.

I was on top of him, looking at him. Then, my mind just took a back seat and my body took control. I remembered taking off my tank top. I was not wearing a bra. I don't like bras anyway. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. I couldn't read his expression.

He touched my breasts and felt them. All these while, his eyes were still locked to my eyes. I laid beside him after that. Both of us half-naked, not touching each other.

He asked me if would I like to take my clothes off. I asked him back, would he like to take my clothes off. And he did. I looked at the ceiling. I was embarrassed. I didn't know what he was thinking but I guessed he was embarrassed too. I told him it wasn't fair that I was lying there stark naked and he wasn't. He removed his boxers and I swear to God, he was ready!

I didn't dare look at his lower half of the body. I had never seen a real man naked before. Those men in the porn sites didn't count. For an awkward while, we laid there staring at the ceiling.

Me: Have you seen a naked woman before?
Din: Yes.
Me: I see. (Pause). Have you been with a naked woman before?
Din: No.
(Pause)
Me: Have you tasted it before?
Din: Tasted what?
Me: Tasted it... there.
Din: Nope.
(Pause)
Me: Would you like to taste it?
(Pause)

He got up, looked at me for awhile and then his fingers were rubbing me. Oh God! I closed my eyes. I kept thinking what am I doing. What the hell am I doing?!

He spread my legs and as soon as his lips touch mine, I had a knee-jerk reaction. I couldn't breathe properly. What was happening to me?! I was making strange noises and the more I made those noises, the better I felt. When he was done, he laid beside me again.

Me: (Breathless). How'd you know how to do that?
Din: I don't know.
(Pause)
Din: How do you feel?
Me: Strange. How do you feel?
Din: Good.
(Pause)
(Longer pause)
Me: Dear... make me a woman.

He looked at me. We both knew what we wanted. I spread my legs. He knelt in between me. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. And I said... I trust you. Those were the 3 words that changed everything. Not I love you but I trust you.

How can I explain to anyone that at that point in time, it felt so right. I know he felt it too. Our hearts were beating as one. How could that be wrong? The doors of my heart had finally opened and he took it away. I didn't fight him. I let him stole my heart.

If that wasn't love, then... what is?

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 4:50 pm

Dear Blogger,

I feel very sick. I went to the Staff Clinic but the doctor confirmed that physical I'm fine. Just mentally, I'm drained out. She said that mental exhaustion can make me sick. I'm not imagining that I'm sick though. She was very polite about it. If I were her, I'd just say that I'm CRAZY.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:33 am

Dear Blogger,

I have a bad feeling about today. It was raining as I was on my way to work. It wasn't the peaceful, serene kind of rainy day. It was the "something's bad going to happen" rainy day. I wish I know what it was.

Last night, I went out with a friend of mine. It was supposed to be a belated birthday celebration but I'm afraid there was not much of a celebration.

I bought him a chocolate cake. He's a chocolate nut! As for me, I'm not much of a chocolate lover. I don't have a sweet tooth. We went to the beach. Romantic right? I think he thought so too. But my heart was not into romance at all.

It was very quiet last night. Everything was still. There was no breeze so there weren't waves breaking into the sandy beach. The only noise I could hear was the blaring music from the bars behind me.

It's at quiet moments like these that my mind is the noisiest. If you could see the insides of my brain, it's like an expressway where information zips past you at high speed. All these random thoughts in my head, way too fast for me to gather any meaning at all.

Have I mentioned the moon? Oh what a beauty that was. It was basked in orange glow. Simply breathtaking.

I was not much of a company. Most of the time, I was keeping to myself, deep in thought. It wasn't like I was not listening. My ears were still open but I wasn't much of a conversationalist.

I guessed he was disappointed too. Just like the other guy. I knew what he wanted too but I just couldn't fulfilled it. It just didn't seem right.

I knew what all these guys wanted. I'm the girl they want to make out with. In the car, in the cinema, at the beach. I have become known as such. But I just couldn't. Not anymore. It's not even that I won't but I just couldn't.

Am I sorry for disappointing these guys? Yes and no. I have not decided which. I have a choice don't I? So why should I apologise for my choice? And why do I feel bad with my choices?

I guess I'm just too kind. I don't like to hurt people and I don't like people to hate me. I need love and to be loved.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, June 16, 2003 @ 12:23 am

Dear Blogger,

It has been a full moon for the last 3 nights. What a beautiful moon! It was very round and very clear. It was very, very glowy. Such a mesmerising shine. You could even see the moon man from here.

For the past 3 nights, as I watched amazed at the moon, my heart has felt nothing but sorrow. Sorrow because there was no one to gaze at the gorgeous moon with me. A feeling that leads to loneliness and eventually, sadness.

What a beautiful night, but it was wasted because my love was not here to share it with me. I wonder if he feels the same. But I'm sure he doesn't. How do I let go? I have got to learn to let go. My faith and loyalty are my strengths but I'm afraid they are my weaknesses too.

I watched Matrix Reloaded. Finally. I didn't plan to watch it tonight. I didn't plan to go out at all. BlueCat, a friend I had known this year had out of the blue, asked me out. I had spurned his love once and he hated me for it. I had not spoken and or even tried to contact him. I believed I had caused enough hurt to an innocent being already.

I think he was a little disappointed with me tonight. I didn't trust him. I had myself up in arms and it made me look like an ice queen. I gave him the wrong idea once and I have no desire to do it again. I hope he recovers.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, June 15, 2003 @ 2:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

It's a bloody boring Sunday. What do people do on Sundays anyway? I'm not referring to people who have a cushy jobs, who earns tons of money, who have a nice-looking spouse and who are parents of too-good-to-be true kids. I mean what do people like me, single and available but pathetic to the bones, do on Sundays?

If only I have a car, then I could drive around Singapore. Or if only I have unlimited wealth in my bank account, then I could go shopping or something.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:41 am

Dear Blogger,

I watched Finding Nemo yesterday with some friends. The movie isn't what it was cut out to be. It's the kind of movie TCS 5 should show during Father's Day.

We watched it at Causeway Point because one of my friend's kids live around there. I was kind of tired by the time I met them at the cinema at 6pm. I was out of the house early in the morning remember?

Even with my sis as company, I was feeling a little bored and lonely. I tried to make the best of the situation but it's just different. I miss going out with Din.

I didn't feel like going home last night. Because I knew if I do go home, I'll be stressed out again. I know I'm running away from my problems but give me a solution and I'll gladly do it for you. Wait a minute! How have these become MY problems???

Where the hell is my Prince Charming? HELLO! There's a damsel in distress here!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Saturday, June 14, 2003 @ 11:57 am

Dear Blogger,

My dad is being unreasonable again. He just doesn't understand that I'm not made of money. I have some savings in a fixed savings account. So I can't just withdraw that money whenever I liked. Besides, even if I withdraw it now, it doesn't mean I will get the money now. It takes at least another 2 weeks for the bank to send me a cheque.

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like coming home at all. But I don't know where to go. I don't have any friends. My boyfriend is well... I don't know what he is. I just don't know what to do.

I'm not Supergirl you know. I can't do everything. I can't work miracles. Why doesn't people understand that?!

Is there anyone out there who can hear me??? I feel like I'm trapped in a big, black box. I'm afraid I'm breaking down.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, June 13, 2003 @ 4:53 pm

Dear Blogger,

Crying... by Roy Orbison and kd lang. Don't you just love this song? Wonderful song to listen to on a cold and rainy day like today.

I was all right for a while
I could smile for a while
But I saw you last night
You held my hand so tight
As you stopped to say, "Hello"
Oh, you wished me well
You couldn't tell
That I'd been crying over you
Crying over you
When you said, "So long"
Left me standing all alone
Alone and crying, crying
Crying, crying

It's hard to understand
But the touch of your hand
Can start me crying
I thought that I was over you
But it's true, so true
I love you even more
Than I did before
But, darling, what can I do?
For you don't love me
And I'll always be crying over you
Crying over you

Yes, now you're gone
And, from this moment on
I'll be crying, crying
Crying, crying
Yeah, crying, crying
Over you

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 12:37 pm

Dear Blogger,

I received another phone call from another male chatter, Dave. He's a friend of "Joe" and according to him, he knows "Joe" for a few years now. Hmmm...

I told Dave that "Joe" has been harrassing me for weeks now. Kindly inform "Joe" that if he does not stop what he's doing, I will file an official complaint against him. I'm sure Dave did not want to be implicated as well.

I hope that cuts the message across to all you future harrassers out there. Don't mess with me. I'll be nice when you're nice to me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 10:11 am

Dear Blogger,

I really must have disliked that particular someone so much so that I dreamt of her last night. She didn't really popped into my dream but I dreamt that she posted all my thoughts in the chatroom for everyone to see! Now how is that different from what I'm doing now in this website? First of all, I choose what to disclose in my website. Secondly, this website is my baby.

I've always said that it defeats the purpose of my writing this and publishing it online if its not meant to be read by anyone anywhere.

What has she got against me? Only God knows. But I'm not going to let people like her scare me. I scare myself enough already.

Anyway, I also dreamt of Din last night. He was being overly errmmm... romantic? I don't really know how to describe it. He surprised me by taking me to a suite and I knew what he wanted to do. But when we got to the hotel, we met his colleagues, his friends, my friends and all these other people who were NOT supposed to be in my dream in the first place. We didn't get to the fun part. Heck! We didn't even get to our room! Then, I woke up. Geez!!! What was that all about?!

I want to keep on sleeping. I want to do it with him. Even if it's just a dream. I don't care! I want to wake up feeling breathless and tingly all over. Please God I hope tonight I'll dream of the 2nd part.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, June 12, 2003 @ 2:56 pm

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I don't know what's the point of being in a relationship. I'm feeling very down today but there's nobody to give me comfort. Din is too busy for me. He didn't answer my calls or messages. I wanted him to hold me and shower me with sweet kisses. He didn't even respond. I feel so neglected. Why do I still hold on to him? Why do I let myself get hurt like this? I'm crying but there's nobody to see me cry.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 1:49 pm

Dear Blogger,

My dad has lost his job. The taxi company took his taxi away. He's really upset about it. I kind of feel pity for him. I want to help him but there's not much that I can do.

He wants to go into business but let's face it, now is not the time to embark on the unknown. We don't need anymore unstability in our lives right now.

Anyone who's reading this who knows or have a stall for rent at a reasonable price, do contact me. Anyone who feels generous today and wants to help me, you can donate in the Help Moddie fund. Just drop me a mail.

Poor Daddy...

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2003 @ 11:33 am

Dear Blogger,

This is going to be a long, depressing day. Right after my dad's outburst, I had to sit through my boss' appraisal of me for one and half hours.

I have to admit I didn't do well at all the whole of last financial year. What with boyfriend problems, family problems, financial problems, personal expectation problems.

My mind was just not focused! It's not rare that I cry for no reason in front of my pc at work. It was even documented here.

I just have to get my act back together again. I've been too complacent and distracted for far too long.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 9:02 am

Dear Blogger,

My dad is doing it again. I knew something wasn't right when him and me were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast together. That never happened.

My dad's taxi got clamped again. He needed $1000 to free it. It was like seeing his baby locked behind bars. My dad has known nothing but driving his taxi half of his life. It's his bread and butter.

Ever since the Asian crisis in the late 90s, his livelihood has never been the same. There are more taxis but there are lesser taxi-flagging passengers now.

Singapore has a very advanced public transportation system in the world. One of the best I think. Taking the bus and MRT is cheaper than taking the taxi. So you can see why my dad is struggling.

Despite that, we have managed to mantain our brand of comfort. We have several tellys, several PCs, cable and broadband access, air-con system, heating shower system and many others. At first glance, we might seem well-off.

Anyway, my dad has asked for a loan from me many times before. Often, I couldn't give him the loan because I didn't have what he was asking for. I don't earn 30K per annum you know.

And because of this, I am close to getting myselt admitted to IMH. My rejection comes with mental and emotional abuse from him. He can't beat me up anymore because of the Woman's Charter. Besides, being Asian means family law preceeds civil law.

I don't know how long more I can take this. As hard-headed as I am, I have limits too.

I prayed now and then for someone to take me away from this. I thought I have found that someone but he himself has issues. I asked him once if he was the one to save me, he said yes. I guess I am still clinging to that promise. I am pathetic I know.

At times like this, all I need is someone to hold me close and tell me that things will be alright.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2003 @ 7:32 pm

Dear Blogger,

I'm being harrassed. He's a real psycho. He's been bugging me for a few weeks now but lately he's really getting on my nerves. He's been impersonating me in the chatroom and asking guys to call me!!! He only has my office contact number and how do I know that? Because he works in the hospital! The bastard!

What the fuck is his problem?! I refused to chat with him because first of all, he was using a lewd nick and secondly, with a nick like that, obviously he wasn't interested in a clean chat. Since then, he's turned psycho on me.

I told Din about it, minus the chatting part. He doesn't like the fact that I'm chatting online. I told him I won't do it anymore. I told some of the chatroom's operators about him. Yet, no one can do anything about it except me. And all I have to do is to inform the management that I'm being harrassed. That would be easy IF online chatting at work wasn't in the picture. I chose to ignore him for now. He can impersonate me all he wants but the real me is here in this website.

I curse him with SARS! Hmmm... nahhhhh... I curse him that he will walk into a lamp-post and fall into a coma. How about this? I curse him that he banged his nuts on some sharp object and his whole reproductive organ malfunction after that. Cruel eh? But sweet justice.

I seem to be a magnet for psychos and bitches aren't I? I am just like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary but in my case, its There's Something About Mariam! *LOL*

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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@ 2:01 pm

Dear Blogger,

I amaze myself sometimes. Sometimes I do things with the most innocent of intentions and still, it becomes controversial. It's one of the mysteries of life I guess.

For example, this website. When I first started publishing details about my life, it was meant to be an avenue where I could release my frustrations, my anger, my loneliness, etc etc. None of my peers seem to understand what I was trying to say. Even till now. And since some of them have been telling me I'm a really good writer, I should write. The result: modgurl's blogger.

I didn't realise my writings would affect someone else's nerves. Why should they??? It's just a brutally honest look at how I feel about some things and some people. HELLO!!! That's what a journal aka diary is!

My teachers and to some extend my dad, are right. Knowledge is power! I guess I've always underestimated myself. I've focused too much on my appearance rather that what I was blessed with. That is, a thinking brain. Yeah sure. Everyone has a brain. It's the thing that makes your body functions. But does everyone has a thinking brain? Aaahhhhh... that's something to ponder, isn't it?

When my teachers told me at the age of 10, that I was mature for my age, they were not referring to my growing breasts or my increasing womanly curves. They were referring to the perceptive way I look at things. Geez! It took me 13 years to realise that. Duh!

I admit that since young, I know I'm smart and I may even call myself intelligent, but I'm bordering on cockiness here. Why should I sell myself short? I'm smart, so what? People can mistake that for aloofness or even arrogance, BIG DEAL! I worked hard for it afterall.

I got beatings and insults for not remembering the time-table. I got mocked at for barely passing my Malay language. I may not be a President's Scholar (they can't live in the real world anyway) but I'm better than some of the people I know because I keep learning.

I may not have a DD breasts or a tight white arse and I certainly don't weigh 130 pounds but I'm sure I can make it up with the gift I have. If only men are not intimidated by it. No wonder men go ga-ga over dumb girls.

So I'll just notch down the intelligence portion a bit. Anything for my darling. I'm really proud of him. He's so committed to his work. I haven't told him that though. Maybe I should give that fellow a break. Lay him off a little. Be the good, sweet, obedient little girlfriend he has always wanted. Yeah rite! Hehe. Love you sweetheart! Muaaakkkks!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Monday, June 09, 2003 @ 9:21 am

Dear Blogger,

Friendship... It's such an overused and misunderstood word. There was a time when friendship means a lifelong bond. You meet someone who either shares a similar interest or totally opposites of you and you become friends. This bond is forever.

Friendship does not exist anymore. People take the word friends for granted. What is my definition of friendship?

A friend to me is somebody whom I can trust and whose assistance is not determined by the size of my bank account or a model-like appearance in which I was unfortunately not endowed with.

There was a time when I chose my friends very carefully. I was never a trusting person. I must have picked that up from my childhood experiences with my parents. Even when I took that chosen someone into my circle of trust, I was still very guarded.

Of late, I have let my guard down. I have been too trusting. How did that happen? I don't know. It was possible that I was in desperate need of a listening ear. I was afterall knee-deep involved in a very complicated and tormenting situation.

I had never felt betrayed until now. Not even when Din was with another girl. Nothing hurts more than when people whom you trust betrayed you.

I was never good in this backstabbing business. Apparently women are supposed to be good at it. Bitches perfected it.

I am so naive aren't I? When I thought the world is already polluted by sadistic people, it shows me that there are even more sadistic people out there.

Well, people like these make people like me lose faith in the good things. I have one thing to say to these bitches, who had so graciously found the time to increase the traffic of my website: KISS MY SOFT, AMPLE, WHITE ARSE!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Friday, June 06, 2003 @ 9:25 am

Dear Blogger,

I was early to work today. I feel a little tired but suddenly I have this drive to really work today. Well, anything to get my mind off last night's events.

There was a gathering at Beach Road, organised by one of the ladies. I intended to go because I felt a little sociable yesterday. Also, I knew this girl called Tauq will be there too with one of the guy chatters. She's really a bitch. I knew that she has the hots for this guy. So, another reason for me to be there is to divert his attention away from her and on to me. Wicked!

One of my good friends told me he'll be there too, with another of the bitches. Gosh! That would be interesting and so I thought.

So why am I getting myself involved with these bitches??? I guess I wanted to prove to myself and everyone else there that I'm no push-over. These bitches hate me and its no secret. It's not like some of them are not beautiful or not smart. God knows why they hate me. They think I'm stealing the limelight from them and that I'm stealing the guys from them. AS IF!!!

Hey! I know I'm a flirt but I don't flaunt my assets like these bitches do. I'm easy-going in nature but that doesn't mean I'm THAT easy. I've only fucked one guy and I'm faithful to him. More or less that is.

Anyway, as soon as I stepped into the food centre, I saw the bitchiest of the bitches! One look at her from afar and its enough to make my body turn towards home. She is beyond hatred already. I didn't do anything to her but what she did to me seals it.

As easy-going as I am, she thought I was flirting with her fiance. It didn't help that her fiance is the jovial kind too. She called me a slut behind my back and she rallied all those girls in the chatroom against me. I'd really be a slut if I chose to sleep with her fiance but I'm not going to stoop to her level. As if her fiance is to die for.

Went home and was greeted with a feast. Meditated and went to sleep. I hoped those bitches choked on one of the bones. Wicked!!!

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Thursday, June 05, 2003 @ 11:02 am

Dear Blogger,

Damn I don't feel like working today. I feel like staying at home and snuggle up in bed. I feel so light-headed today. It must be all that love-making yesterday :-)

I feel so in love again. For once in a very long time, I don't feel guilty at all. It wasn't the best but I don't feel guilty. Have I finally accepted the situation I'm in? I don't know. I hope this feeling lasts.

I'm a sucker for love, aren't I? *Love is in the air*

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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Sunday, June 01, 2003 @ 3:17 pm

Dear Blogger,

Gosh! What a weekend! I was out till early in the morning. Something bad could have happened to me on Friday night. Early Saturday morning actually. Thank God, I was thinking with my head instead of my body!

It must be the hot weather. People are getting hornier than ever. They are shedding their clothes to feel cooler. Their hormones are on overdrive because of the many sights of bare skin. It's just crazy!

I met up with my friends on Friday night. I didn't know what I was thinking but I was damn dressed to kill. Yeah! Dressed to kill myself really. I was wearing a knee-length skirt which sillouette my ample curves. The guys sure liked that. Hehe.

We went to play pool after that. I'm not an expert at it but it was fun. Damn it! I was strutting around and flirting like a sex kitten. What the hell was wrong with me?!

A friend of mine, whom I've been flirting shamelessly, drove me home. But not before he made a detour to some deserted car park. I didn't think he was serious about it. Suddenly, my alarms just went off! I told him no of course. It didn't feel right because he's MARRIED!!! Not that it has ever stopped me before but it just didn't feel right at that moment.

He must have felt like shit because I've scorned him. And you know what? I felt bad about it. Somebody please knock some sense in me! Here is this guy who was going to take advantage of me and I felt bad that he didn't?!

Who am I kidding? I did have some sort of physical attraction towards him when I first met him. But he's married. I'm even fond of his wife and 2 kids. I can't just have a fling with him now, can I? It'll be wrong and disrespectful. Oh great! I'm a player with a guilty conscience.

Shit! I can't stop thinking about that night. The thoughts what if... kept playing in my mind. It's just CRAZY! Hold on tight. It's going to be a very wild summer.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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