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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, April 14, 2003 @ 10:20 pm

Dear Blogger,

I've sent him the last message. That will be the last time I shall contact him. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. It's just too painful. I have to move on. I hope he will be happy.

He messaged me furiously after that. Why did he do that? I told him not to contact me anymore. Doesn't he understand that I just want to move on? I cannot live like this. I'm already feeling like shit and all he can think of was shagging me! If he sincerely cares for me then he should prove it to me. He should remember the good old days.

Oh yes. The good old days. I met him online, briefly. I called him after I logged off, briefly. We had a phone conversation that lasted till the early hours of morning on the same night. I met him the next day, by surprise, at his station. I can never forget the look on his face. It was very hilarious. I didn't know then that I would ever fall head over heels for him.

We had our first official date the next day. We went to the airport. I love that place. It was a place meant for an intellectual date. I had the most comfortable conversation with a guy ever. He didn't come on to me too hard and I like that. The whole affair was just comfortable.

After that, we did what most young couples in love did. We went out together. We had breakfast, lunch and dinner together (as much as possible). We called each other almost every hour. We teased each other silly. Those were the honeymoon period.

Then, after 2 weeks, we had sex. We were both virgins before. At least I know I was. I'm not too sure about him. How do you tell if a guy is a virgin or not??? It's not like they bleed or anything. After that, things seem to be on fast gear. We were moving too fast. We didn't have time for a proper conversation. All we did when we were together was sex, sex and more sex. It got very routine and tiresome. I longed for those innocent moments.

In the beginning, I loved the way he called me "sayang". It sounded so sincere. Of late, it became something of a convenience. He has never called me by my name. Never. So, "sayang" and "dear" don't mean a thing anymore.

I loved the way he showered me with attention. All those late night calls, even when he was working. It made me feel loved and protected. Security. That's what I wanted. Then, the late night calls became a nuisance. All he ever asked were "where are you" and "what are you doing". I felt trapped.

I tried explaining this to him. But it seems that we were not in the same frequency. He just couldn't understand that I need my space sometimes. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. He seemed to me to have become very possesive. I couldn't handle that.

Perhaps that's why I did all those stupid things. Yes. It was stupid. I threw away what I treasured most. I couldn't forgive myself for that. How could I? There was someone who truly cared for me and I just dumped it. And I have the nerve to blame him for not giving me enough attention?! How stupid was that?!

It's possible that I'm not meant to be in a relationship. I should just be on my own, like I am now. I should live alone and die alone. It's better to be lonely on my own than be lonely with someone else.

I did love him. I do love him. It will take an extraodinary man to make me fall for him just like that. He must have been special. He is special!

I love you Din. You will always be special to me. I am moving on, but your memories are stored in a special place in my heart. Who knows one day, we will be fated to be together again. I don't believe in fate much, but I will just let nature take its course. If you are the one, God will show it to me.

Sincerely,
modgurl.

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