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who am i

Name: modgurl
Location: Singapore

New mom. New woman. Born in Singapore. Raised in the World Wide Web.
Monday, April 14, 2003 @ 5:35 pm

Dear Blogger,

he has read the letter. Why was I surprised then? Didn't I want him to read it? I've just spoken to him on the phone. I asked him if we could meet to talk. But he sounded reluctant. I was a little hurt. I am still hurt. But what reaction did I expect when I've cheated on him?!

I was a very stupid girl. Most people would say that I was inexperienced. Din was my 1st love and I threw it all away. Why did I do that? I don't know. I still couldn't find the answer. I didn't betray him with just 1 guy, but 2! One of which was purely just for fun, the other... well... I don't know.

I feel so remorsed. So tormented. So full of hatred and self-loathing. I've disappointed myself. I don't know what I've become. I don't know myself anymore. 3 attempts at suicide. For what?! Nobody cares if I died. I am non-existent even when I'm breathing and living beside them. People may say that I'm just hungry for attention. Perhaps I am. That makes me even more pathetic. I am a pathetic soul.

I just want to be on my own. I want to wander around the world on my own. Yet, I want to be the centre of attention too. I want to be cared for and noticed. What am I doing??? Why do I do this to myself? I was never this helpless. I was strong and independent. There was nothing that could break my spirit. One guy came into my life and I'm a weakling. Is that what love does to you? If it does, then I hate love. One moment of pure bliss, an eternity of pain.

Will I ever recover? I don't know. All I know is that it won't be soon. It may take years, decades or even centuries (if I lived that long). I've always dreamed of being a self-assured woman, a woman who can have anything she wants. But deep down, I know that these women are lonely too. It's always lonely when you're successful. Man is tempted by the devil to be envious of one another. That's why a strong person can never be happy. Nobody wants to be with a strong person.

Shall I be weak then? What good will it do? The weak will not survive in this harsh world. Even heaven isn't what the Qoran said it will be. I'm sure there's conflict in there too.

Sigh... What am I doing to myself???


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